Dealing with partner's stress

Censorsh!t

My boyfriend and I have been together around 8 months now. Everything was for the most part, really perfect, and I felt we were quite equal with regards to how we felt/ how much effort we were putting in.

Around two months ago he got offered an opportunity which meant he would be working more on his own initiative in a much more independent role ((so obviously more risk, responsibility, etc), and he went for it because this is what he's always wanted.

The only problem is, the last two months he has been extremely distant, and sometimes quite short with me. I have made most of the effort to meet up, and when we do, it is usually drinking with his friends or just watching tv in his house, which doesn't really appeal to me, but I do it so I can spend time with him.

I completely understand that he is going through a lot, but I feel he has almost completely shut off from the relationship. About 2 weeks ago I asked him could we talk about things, and he cancelled saying he was too busy (he instead went drinking with his friends), and he never asked about it since, which, being honest, made my feelings, opinions, etc seem completely invalid and unimportant. The other day was a very special occasion for me, and I overheard him saying he was leaving early because work the next day. That's all fine, but the previous night, and the night after, he stayed out a lot later. I really wouldn't mind these things, except that he then seems to contradict himself and it feels like he's avoiding me.

I have tried talking to him about how I feel, and he basically says I'll have to suck it up for the next few weeks until things calm down.

I truly love him, but this is all really exhausting. I know I need to be there for him, and to let him go through this, but I don't want to be disrespected and made to feel worthless. I feel very vulnerable at the moment, as if its an extremely one-sided relationship, with all the effort on my side, and all the power on his.

Am I being unreasonable here, and do I need to just suck it up, or am I in some way justified in feeling upset about all of this?

Xterminator

Hi OP

i expect you will see a slew of 'dump him' responses, as that often appears to be the default answer!!

But i would say, this issue is highlighting something about your partner, and that you are seeing a side that is there, but you haven't noticed before. i wouldnt say dump him straight away, but i would advise you re-evaluate how you feel about him, and you relationship. You said you love him, and i am assuming he has been a good partner for the 6-7 months leading up to this. but its not working for you and his actions and stress levels are affecting you.

And you are 100% justified in being upset.

The question is how long do you put up with this new side of him, and what do you do about it?
It could be that he is not intentionally ignoring you, and that his going out with mates is his coping mechanism. You know him better than anyone else on PI. do you think he has lost some interest or is it thoughtless and careless but not deliberate? when you are together is it still good?

If i were you id consider telling him you are unhappy and that if things continue this way you cannot see the relationship lasting. If he doesnt change you would have to be prepared to follow through on that. But before you issue any warning/ ultimatum you would really need to be prepared for him to say fine, lets break up.

tara73

I agree with the poster above. You are not together that long and you are now experiencing a 'negative' side of your bf.

My guess is you are the one who's doing most of the contacting at the moment? My advice would be to stop contacting him atm. I think it's backfiring at you with his bad mood, means he feels also under pressure from you additionally to his job pressure. Wait and see what he's doing if you stop contacting him. Maybe he'll be quicker back to you than you think.

But I can completely relate to your feelings of being hurt and he is indeed behaving completely immaturely as he's not taking your feelings seriously and is refusing to talk to you.

As the relationship is so new, I would not recommend dumping him right now but wait and see how he reacts when you leave him to himself for a while. Maybe it's what he needs, appreciates it and changes his stubborness with it. You are still very much in the 'get to know phase' with each other.

If he's continuing to behave like this, you still have all the time to decide whether it's acceptable for you or you feel like ending it.

Censorsh!t

Thank you for the replies; I was really unsure if I was justified in feeling this way or not.


I am really hoping that things will start to calm down in the next two weeks as he settles in, and I'm hoping things go back to normal then.

I think it may be a good idea for me to take a step back and stop contacting him unless he contacts me, and then reevaluate how things are. While I'm so tempted to talk to him about it, I'm scared I'll get the same responses, and also feel that I'm pressuring him.

I don't think his thoughtlessness is deliberate, I think he's just at a point where he doesn't want to/can't think of anyone else but himself. Unfortunately that really comes across as him losing interest, especially when he seems to have time for other people, and I hope that's not it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

He is showing you how he deals with stress. Unfortunately, this is not going to be the only time in his life that he gets stressed. Are you going to be put in a little box every time something crops up that stresses him out? Hardly feasible is it? I'd be setting boundaries now about what behaviour you will/won't tolerate.

That you feel you can't talk to him without him copping an attitude and the fact he still makes time for friends to the detriment of you would be red flags for me.

It saddens me to see just how often people tolerate poor/sh*t behaviour. Usually at the cost of their own mental and emotional happiness.

Talk to him again, if he's still behaving as if he's the only one with a bit of stress in his life and you need to put up or shut up, I'd be looking long and hard at whether he's a suitable boyfriend.

Addle

I don't know OP.
Fair enough that he's stressed, but why only take it out on you?
It doesn't stop him from meeting his friends for drinks.

Censorsh!t

hmmmm18 wrote: »

Hi OP,

He is showing you how he deals with stress. Unfortunately, this is not going to be the only time in his life that he gets stressed. Are you going to be put in a little box every time something crops up that stresses him out? Hardly feasible is it? I'd be setting boundaries now about what behaviour you will/won't tolerate.

That you feel you can't talk to him without him copping an attitude and the fact he still makes time for friends to the detriment of you would be red flags for me.

It saddens me to see just how often people tolerate poor/sh*t behaviour. Usually at the cost of their own mental and emotional happiness.

Talk to him again, if he's still behaving as if he's the only one with a bit of stress in his life and you need to put up or shut up, I'd be looking long and hard at whether he's a suitable boyfriend.

Thank you.

I know I must set boundaries here, and it does really hurt that I am getting the brunt of his stress, while he can still go out and let off some steam.

I am unsure of when is the right time to bring this up. I am scared that both our emotions will be running high if it is in the next week when things are still very stressful, or if I should wait until things calm down a bit (which I hope they will) and we can talk this through with a bit more perspective. Obviously if things don't calm down, I don't think I will really have a choice but to bring it up.

LegacyUser

Censorsh!t wrote: »

Thank you.

I know I must set boundaries here, and it does really hurt that I am getting the brunt of his stress, while he can still go out and let off some steam.

I am unsure of when is the right time to bring this up. I am scared that both our emotions will be running high if it is in the next week when things are still very stressful, or if I should wait until things calm down a bit (which I hope they will) and we can talk this through with a bit more perspective. Obviously if things don't calm down, I don't think I will really have a choice but to bring it up.

You can wait for this to calm down if you think that's better. But, as you say, if they don't then that conversation needs to happen regardless. It's important to remember he is very likely not taking his stress out on his friends, for the simple reason they wouldn't allow him to. You don't need to allow it either. It's not fair to you.

Ghekko

tara73 wrote: »

My guess is you are the one who's doing most of the contacting at the moment? My advice would be to stop contacting him atm. I think it's backfiring at you with his bad mood, means he feels also under pressure from you additionally to his job pressure. Wait and see what he's doing if you stop contacting him. Maybe he'll be quicker back to you than you think.

As the relationship is so new, I would not recommend dumping him right now but wait and see how he reacts when you leave him to himself for a while. Maybe it's what he needs, appreciates it and changes his stubborness with it. You are still very much in the 'get to know phase' with each other.

If he's continuing to behave like this, you still have all the time to decide whether it's acceptable for you or you feel like ending it.

I agree with the above. Give him lots of space and see if he makes any effort. Go out with your friends, don't sit in waiting for him to contact you. If he wants to be with you he needs to treat you a whole lot better than he currently is.