Struggling with letting go

Eimee90

Hi everyone,

I lost a family member last week who meant the world to me. I've never lost someone before and I am finding a few things hard to deal with and I think I'm over-thinking things. In the funeral home, my family member did not look like themself. I saw them all the time, everyday - but it was really upsetting. Their mouth was completely different and I could see what the hospital had done to make them look proper for the removal but they just didn't look like the person I loved so much.

Secondly, I feel really sad, I keep hoping heaven is real, because now I realise I won't see them again or the people I love and it hurts so much.

Struggling with letting go is normal & fine and is part of grieving process.

So too overthinking things.

My mum passed away in 2004 and said something very loving and nice to me that 14 years on plays on my mind a bit.

A friend passed away tragically and unexpectedly a few years ago, I was abroad and didn't know. Missed funeral etc.... plenty over thinking done on that one too.

It's tough, it's painful. Allow yourself to grieve..... talk to someone maybe....you will get through it but it's a huge blow.

Ghekko

So sorry for your loss. It's very early days for you so understandable that you are upset.

With regard to your relative looking different once laid out, that is very common. The lips may have needed to be glued/stitched, so as not to open, and this will alter the look of their face. My own aunt looked so different that when I went to see her alone at first I left the room and asked the undertaker was she in another room - he said no, she's in there. I went back in and once I was up close of course I could see it was her then but the first look was a bit of a shock. The same happened with mum but I knew it might happen so wasn't as shocked - slightly disappointed but what can you do. My dad looked grand as did my mother in law so I suppose it just depends on what they have to do with the body. I advise to look at lots of photos of when they were alive and well and the image of them laid out will fade in time.

I too believe there is a heaven. My first born died years ago and I do believe I'll see him and all my deceased relatives again. I'm not overly religious but, for me, it's easier to believe that than the alternative.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself be upset. It's all part of grieving and we are all different in how we cope with loss. You may find you cry at the most inopportune moments when a memory is triggered but that's ok. I went for a hospital appointment a couple of months after mum died and the receptionist was going through my details and had mum as my 2nd contact person (husband being 1st) and I burst into tears. Poor woman got the whole low down on what had happened to mum but she was very nice about it.

wiggle16

I'm very sorry to hear that OP.

I know it's very hard to deal with when you see it, but the person's face looking unfamiliar or unnatural is quite common when they are laid out.

As part of embalming, the mouth may be physically held shut and this can lead to it looking like an unnatural expression. The person's remains will become dehydrated, which tightens the skin and this adds to the overall impression of "not looking like themselves". The muscles in the face will also be completely relaxed and so they will sag in a way that you would not have seen while the person was alive, even while they were asleep. The extent to which they were able to embalm the person's remains also depends on how they passed away and this will affect their appearance.

I know myself it's hard and can be upsetting to put all that in the context of seeing your loved one, but I hope that having an understanding of why people often look different when they are laid out might help you to deal with the shock of it. The effect is very disconcerting, I know, but the undertakers/morticians will have done their best. Sometimes it just doesn't look right no matter what they do.

Ghekko's advice to just keep looking through photos is very good advice, that image will fade over time and you'll remember them only as they were in life.

I'm sorry I don't have much other advice for you, I just think understanding why it happens might help you get your head around it.

Look after yourself and take your time, OP xx

Christian75

I can relate to that, having lost three family members this year.

Your faith, whatever it is, can help you get through these difficult times as well as some counseling if you really feel you can't cope it alone.

It is at these times we all ponder the questions we usually don't dare to think about too much and realize that life appears to be finite and then, what's after? It is a reassuring thought to know that you will see them again.

There are definitely ways one can cope with the loss itself, it should not leave an indelible mark in one's life and one should not carry the burden of loss for years, turning every joy one could enjoy in life into ashes. It helps to ask for help, everyone needs it in such times, even I did and I consider myself very strong in this regard.

Wishing you all the best.