Paranoid ...yay or nay?

topwrite17

Hi guys, some advice needed. Preempting this by saying if you think I'm being paranoid feel free to say, just looking for fresh eyes I guess. So I'm gay and have I've been with my girlfriend for a couple of years now. When we first got together she constantly compared me to her straight best friend, e.g. when she was introducing to people she'd often refer to my height and be like yeah she's taller than "X". Her best friend would often have snide digs at me and my gf has never really stood up to me with her. One night a while back we were in the friends house having a drink. My gf was very drunk and was sitting on the best friends knee and she started to bite her. When her friend told her to stop she was like "Jesus X, you're so ****ing straight" and continued trying to bite her, til her friend pushed her off. She literally lives for the friend's approval. Whether it's good news or bad news the friend is the first person she rings, even before she'd ring me. She's the first person she checks for messages for in the mornings. I've asked her after the whole biting thing about their friendship and she brushed it off and kind of made out that I was silly for even asking and maybe I am. I don't doubt she loves me and in every other way we have a great relationship. I just don't want to spend my life being second best to the straight friend she can't ever have. Do you think I am being paranoid or have I reason to be anxious?

Seth Brundle

Being gay is irrelevant to this. She sounds like she has feelings for her friend.
If my OH did this to anyone, friend or not, we'd be having a serious potentially breakup discussion (same if I did it).
It shows a complete lack of respect for you.

sbm_s

I would say you have reason. Me personally would not be happy with this behaviour.

topwrite17

I don't even know how to bring it up with her again. Last time I brought it up I got the whole Me and X have been friends for years and been through so much together (which is true, X came into my gf life at a.very difficult time for her) and made me feel like I was a little bit paranoid. If I bring it up again it's going to be more of the same I'm sure. As I said maybe I am being paranoid, and I don't want to be that either

tara73

I don't think it's about being paranoid or not. It's about what is acceptable for you and what not. And listening to your gut feeling.

I agree, it will not make much sense do discuss it with her further as she's labelling you with being controlling or whatever (paranoid).

You need to ask yourself if you want to be treated like this in a relationship. You are second best to her other friend and I think you are very right in saying if the other girl would be on the same page, she would be together with her and not with you.

You really want to accept this and live with it? It's humiliating and you'll loose your self worth more and more.

So my advice is to get out of it.

sbm_s

I agree with Tara. This behaviour will only continue as she clearly has a crush on this friend. You need to decide on your boundaries, voice them to her and stick to them. Put the foot down be assertive, not aggressive. Just let her know how you feel and if she doesn't accept that, grow up and cop on then walk away.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think you're paranoid at all. If a straight woman came on here and said her boyfriend had a close female friend sitting on his knee and bit her, what do you think people would say? Or that he rang her first when he got good news, checked for her messages first thing in the morning and seemed to live for her approval? It looks to me like your girlfriend is settling and that if her pal changed her sexual orientation in the morning, she'd be gone like a shot. At best she has boundary issues but I think that's being generous. She can't be physically unfaithful to you but she's certainly giving the emotional side of it a good shot.

topwrite17

I don't doubt that she loves me, everyone always comments on how obvious it is that she loves me, its just something that isnt sitting with me

Ursus Horribilis

The words of the late Princess Diana (there were 3 of us in the marriage) come to mind. You've been told you gf's relationship with her friend is inappropriate. It's up to you what you choose to do from here.

SusieBlue

Yeah it isn't even about being paranoid.
You are uncomfortable with her behaviour and its upsetting you. She can either alter that behaviour to respect your feelings, or she can choose not to. But she cannot use "you're paranoid" as a defense to her overstepping the boundary with her friend.
Tbh she isn't being very respectful of her friend either, it doesn't sound like she's all that comfortable with the biting and other excessive behaviours either.

You need to decide if this is something you can tolerate long term, because she clearly see this as your issue and isn't going to change.
I personally would be appalled and very upset if my partner carried on the way yours is, regardless of sexuality.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you happy in the relationship? Right now, as things stand, are you happy to continue in exactly the same way forever more? Because honestly, it doesn't sound like your gf is going to change her behaviour, after all she's already told you she's not doing anything wrong, and it's your problem.

If you are not happy, and you know nothing is going to change, then why would you bring it up with her again? It's not going to help matters. If you're not happy in the relationship, then you just tell her that. Tell her you're not happy. Tell her there are things about her behaviour that make you and your relationship feel very disrespected and you understand she doesn't see things the same way so you can't see a solution. Wish her well, and off you go. It doesnt matter if everyone tells you how obvious it is that she loves you (which is a strange thing for multiple people to mention to you! Maybe they also see her inappropriate behaviour and are trying to make you feel better?)

Her friend being straight is irrelevant. Your gf fancies her. And openly flirts with her in front of you.

Not on.

Edit: I also think even though the friend is in no way attracted to your gf, she does enjoy the attention she gets from her. And enjoys letting you know you're second fiddle. Why on earth would anyone need to sit on her best friend's lap? Why would any friend be happy with a grown woman sitting on their lap, especially when their partner is in the room?

Childish carry on from the pair of them.