Grieving loss of BF and baby. Would appreciate some help thanks

sbm_s

My ex boyfriend broke up with me in May after two and a half years and I am still a mixed bag of emotions. He ended it as he didn’t feel the same, and I got the whole “I love you but not in love with you” speil. We were best friends and were very close and I miss not being able to tell him everything. We spent a lot of time together went everywhere together talked numerous times a day. I was very close to his family and stayed with them 3-5 nights a week. But he has left me in a world of pain.

My mum died September 12 months, she was my best friend and we were very close. A month later I discovered I was pregnant (not planned) but I was never as happy and it felt like it was a gift from my mum. But my bf didn’t want the baby as he felt we were not ready both emotionally financially etc. He coerced me into terminating. I told him I didn’t want to but he said I would become a single mother if I didn’t as he couldn’t be in a relationship with me if I pursued. At the time, I lived with my dad and didn’t get on very well with him. We made a deal and he promised me we would start a family in three years when we were more financially stable, that he wouldn’t leave me and we would move in together. Four months after this he walks away and Im still coming to terms with it all.

We had a large argument in March where I became really upset as it was 6 months since my mum passed. I became so emotional I called him excessively when he was out with his friends and text him persistently accusing him of not caring as he didn’t answer when I rang. We had other rows aswell mainly initiated by me which I realise now but back then I was grieving hard about the pregnancy. I went to doctors for fertility about the future as I fear the abortion will have left me with scars, he even told me we could go to a consultant days before ending it.

On reflection, I admit I probably pushed him away with the silly arguments, I feel now that I took him for granted. Part of me misses him so much and would give anything to have him back in my life. The other half is grieving so much for the baby and the way he treated me at that time that I want to block him and everyone associated with him and sever every single tie to him.

I am going to counselling which is good I don’t know how I would cope without her. But I still have a massive hole. Its like I carry around this secret every day and force a smile while I scream inside. Im surrounded by friends and work colleagues who are pregnant and its so hard. What makes it even worse is feeling I went through all of this for him and now he wouldn’t even bid me the time of day and is probably shacked up with some other girl somewhere and is happier without me.
Would appreciate advice/guidance thanks

Neyite

Oh you've really gone through the mill, you poor thing.

Counselling as you are doing is probably the best way forward, as your situation is complex and has complex feelings to be explored.

You don't need me to tell you that he behaved despicably. In time that anger will fade but right now it probably really hurts that he walks away unscathed while you try to pick up the pieces of your life. Trust me, it will really set you back if you hear about his life on the grapevine so blocking him on all forms of contact and social media and make sure any mutual friends know you don't want to hear a thing about him can only help you.

With regard to the pregnancy, I'm so sorry for your loss. You made the only decision you could at the time and in that situation. Hindsight can sometimes cloud that a little. With time the loss becomes a little easier to live with. I found that marking that brief existence and mourning /grieving for it helped a lot. I've Christmas tree decorations for mine. Other women do things like planting a tree, or even buying and naming a star in memorial. I'm not going to get into trite platitudes about future babies, because I know they don't help. You need to grieve for this one. So allow yourself to do that.

You've got a triple whammy of bereavement you are dealing with here - your mother, the baby and the demise of your relationship. To experience even one of them is very tough so you should be proud that you are still standing even if you feel a bit wobbly right now.

LolaJJ

Hey OP,

You're going through a rough patch. Break-ups are never easy, being broken up with though, is slightly easier. At least you know this is outside of your control.

Yes, you may have self-destructed a little, pushed him and tested him....but maybe the outcome is a result of him failing those tests. Maybe you need someone who can adapt with you, take the weight of your emotions when you can't and perhaps understand your pain.

The one thing I've learned in all my years in and out of love is that when something is right, it's very difficult to break it....there's a lack of willingness on both sides to push boundaries and an understanding on both sides if they are pushed....

I'm not saying your wrong to miss him, you can't help that, you're going to miss him. But maybe try and focus on the fact that maybe you guys weren't as compatible as you once believed and this outcome was always inevitable. Be kind to yourself and good luck x

sbm_s

It was this time last year when I discovered I was pregnant so I think the memories of all is what is triggering all this emotion. The pain he has caused me is immense. I am going to remove him from social media etc as I feel its what I need to do for me. All I think of is the baby and the way he just left me. Yes we had problems but he never voiced his concerns or gave us a chance at the time he just walked and to think I made such a sacrifice for someone who now wont even answer a phone call from me makes me hate myself.

The pregnancy made me happy at the time but I fell for his bulls**t because of the fear of loosing him and his family. My mum had just passed 2 months at this stage I didnt want to loose any more people around me. He took advantage of this though but its only now I see that.

I have the scan photos and I have gotten a teddy as a symbol to remember it. It is so tough seeing friends and work colleagues enjoy their pregnancies while trying to hold back all the emotions or regret and guilt I am left with. And I hate him for what he has done. He has left me with such deep scars. But how he can live with knowing what he made me do just weeks after burying my mum tells another story

Neyite

Anniversaries, especially the first few can be tough. And it can sometimes feel like you are seeing pregnant women or babies everywhere. That's perfectly normal. And does get easier with time.

Katgurl

Oh my god you poor thing, your story has brought memories flooding back for me. I had an unplanned pregnancy with a boyfriend I was absolutely wild about. I knew he wouldn't want it so I lied and said I wanted an abortion and went through with arranging it all before I could draw breath. The night before I bawled crying and told him I didn't want to do it. He told me no matter what happened we'd be ok and in four years we would have a planned baby. I went through with it and the guilt ate me up. I regretted it so much and like you, pushed him away. Then I found myself with no baby and no boyfriend.

However as a previous poster said, if he was right then we would have weathered that storm. I was devastated and he wanted his pretty, fun, happy girlfriend. When things got tough, he walked.

Listen its a tough time for you so you need to take really good care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, avoid people who don't. Take a break from social media. Go to counseling. Exercise. Go to bed early. Take it easy on the alcohol. Know that life is full of hihs and lows and you are currently in a low but it will pass.

By the way I met an amazing man later in life and we have a baby together. She was planned and so loved and I never have to worry did he want her or does he resent me.

You will get there. Mind yourself.

sbm_s

Katgurl wrote: »

Oh my god you poor thing, your story has brought memories flooding back for me. I had an unplanned pregnancy with a boyfriend I was absolutely wild about. I knew he wouldn't want it so I lied and said I wanted an abortion and went through with arranging it all before I could draw breath. The night before I bawled crying and told him I didn't want to do it. He told me no matter what happened we'd be ok and in four years we would have a planned baby. I went through with it and the guilt ate me up. I regretted it so much and like you, pushed him away. Then I found myself with no baby and no boyfriend.

However as a previous poster said, if he was right then we would have weathered that storm. I was devastated and he wanted his pretty, fun, happy girlfriend. When things got tough, he walked.

Listen its a tough time for you so you need to take really good care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good, avoid people who don't. Take a break from social media. Go to counseling. Exercise. Go to bed early. Take it easy on the alcohol. Know that life is full of hihs and lows and you are currently in a low but it will pass.

By the way I met an amazing man later in life and we have a baby together. She was planned and so loved and I never have to worry did he want her or does he resent me.

You will get there. Mind yourself.

Has your ex ever gotten in touch with you over the years or did you speak much after the break up?