I'm really struggling to see a point to life

fojasnbfos

I'm 21, I've dropped out of college, I got a good Leaving but of 435, but as it stands I don't want to do anything other than Medicine, and even that's probably just a pipe dream.
I've realised that I've spent months bouncing from one notion to the next - Air Traffic Control, Software Developer, Plumber.. just about anything..
I've realised that Medicine is what I want to do and anything else would be settling - but I'll probably have to settle.

Even to study abroad in Europe - 11,000 tuition for 6 years, I can't afford that.
And even if I could, what's to say I'd be able for it? I'm smart, I could get in, but I haven't applied myself yet.

My best plan is to go get a job in a local factory - or wherever will take me.. work for 2+ years and perfect my application in that time, go to medical school in Poland or Estonia, Italy - wherever I can get in, work my ass go for top of the class, try and compete with everyone else for a Neurosurgical specialisation..

That's like shooting an arrow after rubbing peppers and glass into your eyes, hopping on one foot on the rest of the broken glass shooting a target the size of a ducks nostril on one specific mallard, but they won't tell you which.

So if not medicine then what?

What's the point anyway?

I just see a lot of negatives in the world from Bone Cancer in children, to Loot boxes selling an addiction to kids.
Ads selling addictions to anyone and everyone.
Heart strings advertising, buy this, buy that, 'news' article that are paid for as an ad.
Everything is for the sake of greed.
Or just cruel - Glioblastoma, could start with a headache and end with a death sentence in a couple of weeks, because usually if there's a symptom it's too late.

Pink for Breast Cancer in the NFL - $11.25 from every $100 went to charity, and of the money that goes to charities a small percentage goes to research.
Charities are excuses for tax exemptions, some are genuine but more are plastering dying kids on cartons to give them .20% of the money.

The average earnings hasn't risen to match the price of inflation, we work longer hours to buy things that were cheaper years ago.

Everything is at a cost, nothing gold can stay because someones called it theirs, paid you to mine it and sold it back to you at a profit, or stuck a sparky rock on it and inflated the price by a couple of hundred percent.


Yes you an upstanding citizen in the US of A gives money to a homeless person, who goes off to buy Fentanyl, a drug he started taking because he was prescribed it for back pain.

The world is full of clickbait videos, tumours of society getting famous, fake news and opinion journalism or just something they found on Reddit.

Nothing matters, it's either deemed 'matter's by society or otherwise.. do what you want but not if it negatively affects others is a good start..
If I don't feel like I'm significantly contributing to the better of the world and the people in it, then why bother at all? - if to significantly contribute by my definition is what I deem to matter.

Sure, I'd go work in a factory on temp with the intention of saving up for medical school.
But for the sake of earning a living with no greater intentions? Or to have some drinking money?
Or what about studying business so I could get a job in marketing and go to work at BetFair and sell gambling to the gullible.

I understand why a parent has a 'point' in life, their kid.
But me as someones child? As it stands they're worse off for having me, I've wasted their money for 2 years of college, the fees, the living expenses and just the money I outright wasted on jagerbombs at 1 in the morning not know where the hell I was.

Beyond that the emotional stress, failing, being unhappy, dropping out of college, jumping from one quick fix idea to the next just to have a way out.. no one will tell you that's a great feeling.
I know they love me irregardless and I love them dearly.. and because of that I feel the obligation to pay them back every cent plus interest.. they won't take it but they'll take a holiday, a new car, or adding to their retirement pot.

The older brother of the girl I brought to my grad just graduated as a Orthopaedic surgeon.. God that made me feel terrible - what have I amounted to?
Sure he's older than me but he's played county, he's got a great leaving, he got on great in his Hpat, he got into college.. by my age he was 3 years into his degree.. I'm not even 3 weeks out of mine.
People work at different paces, things happen at different times, sure.
But if you start a game of football at 2 in the afternoon you can play until the sun goes down, if you start at 9 at night, you might be look to see the ball for awhile before you have to call it quits.

I know I'm pessimistic, but that's not across the board.. I'm optimistic that there are good people, there is real music, there's good foods and laughs to come, there's big events, there's people who love me, I'm not deluded, or at least I don't know it, but as far as I can see it the grand scheme of things is bleak, get it while it's good and if it's not that good.....

I'm just voicing the ugly little voice in my head, I just don't know how to ignore it.. or how I can work to chip away at it..

I have three people I look up to - My dad, my doctor and Henry Marsh.

My dad is a great individual, we're alike in every other sense.
My doctor is the same doctor who gave me my vaccinations as an infant. He's a huge part of why I want to become a doctor, he's the most kind hearted, good natured and caring person I've ever met.
He also saved my dads life by spotting his cancer very early.
Henry Marsh, he's a Neurosurgeon and he wrote 'Do No Harm' my favourite book.
He has spent many years and a lot of money pioneering neurosurgery in Ukraine after the collapse of the Soviet Union. He has done it all out of his own pocket, from bringing over drill bits from the UK to sterilise them so they can be used in Ukraine.. setting up a clinic and helping so many people out of the goodness of his heart.

There's a lot of good in the world and in it there's a number of 'points' to life.. for me, very few of them lie outside of a world with a medical degree..
2+ years of factory work and as much over time as I can find, extremely competitive entry, 6 years of intense study, numerous loans, and many more years of study, exams and expenses.
Without it I don't see much of a point, I don't think people want to hear that from a potential doctor.. but that's how I feel, maybe that says something.

It'll also probably negatively affect me in college, I need to focus on work, the application process, college.. and primarily apply myself, just to focus on the positives and the actions I'm taking to be one of the positives.
I haven't done that in the past, granted I was learning how to sell cigarettes in a marketing module and so I detested it but there were modules I just found difficult to put in the time for and I need to work on that because there will be more of them.
It's an uphill battle.. and I don't know if I really see a point in anything else, and that's probably not a good thing..
Everyone else just seems so happy doing whatever they're doing, or they change and they find their thing.
I've spent my time bouncing ideas around as to what I could do, learn programming to do x, y and z.. when I should just start with seeing how I like programming..

I'm just looking for some insight.. I don't want to put in all this time and all this effort if it's for all the wrong reasons, because that's a terrible foundation.
I don't think I'm doing it for the wrong reasons but I still know my mindset is not the norm for this situation.. it's also not a common situation.
I need advice on how to stick to things, how to really understand who I am and what I want and if I think I know how to know if that's for the right reasons..
I want to chip away at that ugly little voice.

Brae100

Don't become a doctor. Your bedside manner would be lacking. If you are clever you will have no shortage of opportunities. Look at IT.

MontyC

fojasnbfos wrote:

Sure, I'd go work in a factory on temp with the intention of saving up for medical school. But for the sake of earning a living with no greater intentions? Or to have some drinking money? Or what about studying business so I could get a job in marketing and go to work at BetFair and sell gambling to the gullible.

You are clearly a smart individual with an idea of sound moral stature and sometimes, that's all it takes to get to where you want to be. I'd class myself a a drifter, never really knew wat I wanted in life or how to get it but I will tell you this..... Life has a strange way of working out. What's for you won't pass you by and if you put in the hard work for something that you want, then more often than not, what you do along that journey will make a difference to you and the people around you. I wish you the best of luck in the future and hope that the fog clears for you to find your path..

Mr. Incognito

Hi there

No offence but that post does not come across like the work of a well balanced individual.

I think you may need to speak to someone about this. You mention your Dad. Maybe he would be a good person to bounce stategy off instead of the internet.

fojasnbfos

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hi there

No offence but that post does not come across like the work of a well balanced individual.

I think you may need to speak to someone about this. You mention your Dad. Maybe he would be a good person to bounce stategy off instead of the internet.

Thank you for the honest reply, I do do that at times 'x is bad because of y' when y is only one small thing in x.
I know I do it and I can see the issues with it but I still do it, because I focus on the negative.

My dads tired of hearing me, I don't blame him.
I always bounce ideas off of him, but he's also inherently biased - "you can do it, what's to stop ya?" because I'm his son and despite whatever else about me I'm smart and capable.

I think I'm well balanced in most instances but I've got high ambitions and I don't want to settle.. I'll buy that burger meal because it's cheaper, but in the grand scheme of things and for something so fundamental to me I don't want to settle.

This is me going as deep as I can, what's fundamental to me.
I'm probably in the nihilistic group but I don't want to fall into fallacies.
If I held no other sentiments I wouldn't want to become a doctor, because there are bad people and you could treat these bad people without knowing it, you can't not treat them, and then they go on to be Hitler, or people die anyway so why bother? That idiotic thinking... but I do see a point to life I just don't see too many of them.
I wouldn't go into medicine for the money, there's easy routes to take, I would go into medicine because it's incredibly interesting, incredibly noble and it's fundamentally the way I hope to contribute to society helping one person at a time..

I have other hobbies and interests, I love guitars, buying selling and mostly playing them,
But that's not a 'point' to life.

I don't have a family, I won't spend my life going around with the foundation that my point in life is to have one even if I do want one.

I'd be more obviously balanced if I wasn't going so deep down.. but then I wouldn't be writing this post.
This isn't something I necessarily want people to know I don't start introductions with it, but it's still there, just most people would never know.

fojasnbfos

Brae100 wrote: »

Don't become a doctor. Your bedside manner would be lacking. If you are clever you will have no shortage of opportunities. Look at IT.

I've looked at IT, it doesn't get my motor running even if it is interesting.

I might just become a pathologist, dead people don't mind bad beside manner.
Or maybe radiology, I'd be telling people they have cancer indirectly so I can be as blunt as I like /s.
Every surgeon I've met (which is not that many) has had terrible bedside manner.

I've a lot of opportunities, but a lack of sustained interest in most.. the love of money doesn't last very long.

fojasnbfos

MontyC wrote: »

You are clearly a smart individual with an idea of sound moral stature and sometimes, that's all it takes to get to where you want to be. I'd class myself a a drifter, never really knew wat I wanted in life or how to get it but I will tell you this..... Life has a strange way of working out. What's for you won't pass you by and if you put in the hard work for something that you want, then more often than not, what you do along that journey will make a difference to you and the people around you. I wish you the best of luck in the future and hope that the fog clears for you to find your path..

Thank you.
I'd certainly class myself as a drifter, I mean I've had the same friend groups and what not but I've also always been on the edge of the group.
People will say I'm interesting but not necessarily funny or very friendly. It doesn't bother me but it's a stark contrast to how people see my brother and sister.
"None of my friends know who you are, everyone knows (other brother)!"

I don't think I'm fundamentally messed up but I think I go too far down some rabbit holes.
Why this, why that, everything is a big puzzle to solve, but every piece is the same shade of grey!

Anyway, thank you.
This isn't something I make a point of bringing up, it's just something I quietly think about.
So I'm not actually that messed up I'm just trying to get down to the route of everything that interests me.

santana75

Of course you can do medicine. Theres more than one way to skin a cat and you dont have to get 625pts + a high H-pat to get in. You can do graduate entry for starters. Do a degree in Biomedical science or something similar, get yourself a 2.1 upon graduation, sit the GAMSAT and youre in. In the meantime you can apply to volunteer in a hospital. Theres an organisation called Children in Hospital which looks for volunteers to play with sick children. Well worth doing and you would get a chance to be in the hospital environment, gain some experience, make some contacts etc.
Another option is You can get a job, save up the money and study in somewhere like Cluj in Romania. Fees are around 4k per year and cost of living is very cheap there. You can get a very decent apartment for 100 bills a month.
Option 3 is to get a job in a hospital, get some clinical experience and then after a few years apply as a mature student.
The point is you have a lot of options, you just need to stop allowing yourself to be defeated so easily by adversity. If you are determined and dont allow anything or anyone to stop you, you will get in and become a doctor.

AwareWolf

You are full of negative thoughts. You should even work at some thing for a year and get together some income and plan what to do next. You are at a point most people reach at some point in their life but it worries me when i see you type about yourself being effectively worthless. Possibley visit a counsellor for some talk sessions to boost your esteem. Life is full of opportunities and when things change and you feel completely happy you will look back at this time as just part of life's journey and a blip. Courses and college can be over rated.... happiness is the main thing. What is happiness you may ask.... it is when you stop worrying and.over thinking and decide to live peacefully. It's when you decide to not let the world bother you. Difficult to do but with the help of a good counsellor you could be a different person in a year. How you feel has alot to do with how you look at things.....and from reading your post you are full negativity.

Tokyo

OP, I'm pretty sure you've posted about this issue before. Did you take onboard any of the advice given in previous threads??

AndrewJRenko

What specifically attracts you to a career in medicine?

ESMITH29

There is no point to life. We float aimlessly through, at the mercy of everything that floats with us. The sooner you genuinely come to terms with that, the sooner you will realise that the pressures you put on yourself are pointless, if they bring you down to where you are.

Life is too short to be making yourself feel the way you do and sometimes you have to be selfish, think about your feelings and do what's right for you first, before thinking about others.

I felt your way once and now that I'm that bit older (not much older), I've come to terms with it all, whilst losing two parents along the way.

You need to focus on what you do have and focus on enjoying life, as you don't want to look back in years to come regretting anything.

carq

Life has no point dude.
No point looking at the worst parts of humanity and looking for a reason, bad things happen all the time for no reason.

Dont define yourself by your job or what you would like it to be.what would be your self worth if you didnt like medicine ?

Dont worry about things you cant control.
I think some travel would do you good to get another perspective on life.

blairbear

OP, I wonder if a career in medicine is realistic for you. You cannot just start into potentially 15 years of study and training until consultancy, content that some specialties do not demand a good bedside manner; that is just irresponsible.

From pretty much day 1 now in the current medical school curriculum, you meet patients. So for your 5 year degree, you need to be compassionate, empathetic, understanding and kind to people at their most vulnerable. This continues into intern year, regardless of whether you choose a specialty like pathology or not. Radiology features many areas that are clinical and involve patient interaction. It is rare these days to meet a young surgeon with a poor bedside manner; we are moving away from the patriarchal role of the older surgeon who is blunt and uncaring. Surgical training schemes have a human factors component where trainees are specifically graded on bedside manner and patient interaction.

Medicine is hard. The exams for undergraduate and postgraduate are difficult, far harder than any Leaving Cert exams I ever did to be honest, and I got 600 points pre-HPAT. I know you are confident in your intelligence and ability, but Irish medical students have usually been the brightest students in their schools since day 1. The post-graduate students have often excelled in their previous degrees and are extremely focused and determined. Going to a non-English speaking country to attend medical school is not without its challenges. Many patients won't speak English so you'll have to learn the native language at at least a rudimentary level to function.

It doesn't sound like you have a clear idea of what a medical career entails. You are jumping from one completely unrelated idea to the next and catastrophizing along the way.

Why don't you take a job in a local shop while the dust settles and you decide what you might do?

pwurple

Spend 150 euro and get some decent professional Career guidance. It's well worth it. Your strengths and weaknesses will be assessed, and recommendations made.

dands

Everyone has a path in life and I just think you don’t know yours yet, you are still young, you could go to college to be a doctor and years down the line you could want to be in a different profession, what I’m trying to say is life is what you make it you are still young and very clever and capable of doing anything you want in life, nobody else can do it for you you have to do it yourself

Purple Mountain

You sound like someone who should be doing a BA in philosophy.

KP81

Stand up straight, take responsibility and face the world. Take a look at some Jordan Peterson lectures. This one is good despite the click baity title which has nothing to do with the content.

<MOD SNIP>

Mod note: KP81, it is against the charter here to post links to videos.

Frunchy

Pathologists need people skills as well. Only a minority of your work would involve dead people. Most of your time is spent on surgical pathology, diagnosing cancers etc. You won't have much patient contact, but you'll be talking to other doctors and laboratory staff every day.

Paddy Cow

fojasnbfos wrote: »

I wouldn't go into medicine for the money, there's easy routes to take, I would go into medicine because it's incredibly interesting, incredibly noble and it's fundamentally the way I hope to contribute to society helping one person at a time..

That is a very naive view that a lot of people have before entering medicine. I have two friends, sisters, both of whom did medicine. One has since left and the other said if she had known what she was getting into, she would never have started.

435 points isn't anything special in the Leaving Cert. If you are not someone who genuinely likes studying, medicine is not for you. It's not just the 5 year degree. They constantly have to take exams in their own time to move up the ladder. Contracts are for 6 months and change in July and January. It's not like you get a degree and then get a job for life in a hospital. There is a reason consultants get paid so much. They have to put in years of dedication to get there.

Will you be willing to work 36 hour shifts where you are on call and will be woken up numerous times in the night? Becoming a GP isn't easy either. You still have to do all the hospital training and then a further 4 years on the GP training scheme.

I think you are fixated on the idea of being a doctor but have no real understanding of the reality of just how hard it is. It is not noble or glamorous. It's year after year of hard work and dedication. Do you really think you could make such a huge commitment?

TimesArrow

fojasnbfos wrote: »

I'm 21, I've dropped out of college, I got a good Leaving but of 435, but as it stands I don't want to do anything other than Medicine, and even that's probably just a pipe dream.
I've realised that I've spent months bouncing from one notion to the next - Air Traffic Control, Software Developer, Plumber.. just about anything..
I've realised that Medicine is what I want to do and anything else would be settling - but I'll probably have to settle.

Even to study abroad in Europe - 11,000 tuition for 6 years, I can't afford that.
And even if I could, what's to say I'd be able for it? I'm smart, I could get in, but I haven't applied myself yet.

My best plan is to go get a job in a local factory - or wherever will take me.. work for 2+ years and perfect my application in that time, go to medical school in Poland or Estonia, Italy - wherever I can get in, work my ass go for top of the class, try and compete with everyone else for a Neurosurgical specialisation..

That's like shooting an arrow after rubbing peppers and glass into your eyes, hopping on one foot on the rest of the broken glass shooting a target the size of a ducks nostril on one specific mallard, but they won't tell you which.

So if not medicine then what?

What's the point anyway?

I just see a lot of negatives in the world from Bone Cancer in children, to Loot boxes selling an addiction to kids.
Ads selling addictions to anyone and everyone.
Heart strings advertising, buy this, buy that, 'news' article that are paid for as an ad.
Everything is for the sake of greed.
Or just cruel - Glioblastoma, could start with a headache and end with a death sentence in a couple of weeks, because usually if there's a symptom it's too late.

Pink for Breast Cancer in the NFL - $11.25 from every $100 went to charity, and of  the money that goes to charities a small percentage goes to research.
Charities are excuses for tax exemptions, some are genuine but more are plastering dying kids on cartons to give them .20% of the money.

The average earnings hasn't risen to match the price of inflation, we work longer hours to buy things that were cheaper years ago.

Everything is at a cost, nothing gold can stay because someones called it theirs, paid you to mine it and sold it back to you at a profit, or stuck a sparky rock on it and inflated the price by a couple of hundred percent.


Yes you an upstanding citizen in the US of A gives money to a homeless person, who goes off to buy Fentanyl, a drug he started taking because he was prescribed it for back pain.

The world is full of clickbait videos, tumours of society getting famous, fake news and opinion journalism or just something they found on Reddit.

Nothing matters, it's either deemed 'matter's by society or otherwise.. do what you want but not if it negatively affects others is a good start..
If I don't feel like I'm significantly contributing to the better of the world and the people in it, then why bother at all? - if to significantly contribute by my definition is what I deem to matter.

Sure, I'd go work in a factory on temp with the intention of saving up for medical school.
But for the sake of earning a living with no greater intentions? Or to have some drinking money?
Or what about studying business so I could get a job in marketing and go to work at BetFair and sell gambling to the gullible.

I understand why a parent has a 'point' in life, their kid.
But me as someones child? As it stands they're worse off for having me, I've wasted their money for 2 years of college, the fees, the living expenses and just the money I outright wasted on jagerbombs at 1 in the morning not know where the hell I was.

Beyond that the emotional stress, failing, being unhappy, dropping out of college, jumping from one quick fix idea to the next just to have a way out.. no one will tell you that's a great feeling.
I know they love me irregardless and I love them dearly.. and because of that I feel the obligation to pay them back every cent plus interest.. they won't take it but they'll take a holiday, a new car, or adding to their retirement pot.

The older brother of the girl I brought to my grad just graduated as a Orthopaedic surgeon.. God that made me feel terrible - what have I amounted to?
Sure he's older than me but he's played county, he's got a great leaving, he got on great in his Hpat, he got into college.. by my age he was 3 years into his degree.. I'm not even 3 weeks out of mine.
People work at different paces, things happen at different times, sure.
But if you start a game of football at 2 in the afternoon you can play until the sun goes down, if you start at 9 at night, you might be look to see the ball for awhile before you have to call it quits.

I know I'm pessimistic, but that's not across the board.. I'm optimistic that there are good people, there is real music, there's good foods and laughs to come, there's big events, there's people who love me, I'm not deluded, or at least I don't know it, but as far as I can see it the grand scheme of things is bleak, get it while it's good and if it's not that good.....

I'm just voicing the ugly little voice in my head, I just don't know how to ignore it.. or how I can work to chip away at it..

I have three people I look up to - My dad, my doctor and Henry Marsh.

My dad is a great individual, we're alike in every other sense.
My doctor is the same doctor who gave me my vaccinations as an infant. He's a huge part of why I want to become a doctor, he's the most kind hearted, good natured and caring person I've ever met.
He also saved my dads life by spotting his cancer very early.
Henry Marsh, he's a Neurosurgeon and he wrote 'Do No Harm' my favourite book.
He has spent many years and a lot of money pioneering neurosurgery in Ukraine after the collapse of the Soviet Union. He has done it all out of his own pocket, from bringing over drill bits from the UK to sterilise them so they can be used in Ukraine.. setting up a clinic and helping so many people out of the goodness of his heart.

There's a lot of good in the world and in it there's a number of 'points' to life.. for me, very few of them lie outside of a world with a medical degree..
2+ years of factory work and as much over time as I can find, extremely competitive entry, 6 years of intense study, numerous loans, and many more years of study, exams and expenses.
Without it I don't see much of a point, I don't think people want to hear that from a potential doctor.. but that's how I feel, maybe that says something.

It'll also probably negatively affect me in college, I need to focus on work, the application process, college.. and primarily apply myself, just to focus on the positives and the actions I'm taking to be one of the positives.
I haven't done that in the past, granted I was learning how to sell cigarettes in a marketing module and so I detested it but there were modules I just found difficult to put in the time for and I need to work on that because there will be more of them.
It's an uphill battle.. and I don't know if I really see a point in anything else, and that's probably not a good thing..
Everyone else just seems so happy doing whatever they're doing, or they change and they find their thing.
I've spent my time bouncing ideas around as to what I could do, learn programming to do x, y and z.. when I should just start with seeing how I like programming..

I'm just looking for some insight.. I don't want to put in all this time and all this effort if it's for all the wrong reasons, because that's a terrible foundation.
I don't think I'm doing it for the wrong reasons but I still know my mindset is not the norm for this situation.. it's also not a common situation.
I need advice on how to stick to things, how to really understand who I am and what I want and if I think I know how to know if that's for the right reasons..
I want to chip away at that ugly little voice.

I am nearly 37 now and my god, I could relate to a lot of this when I was 21. I was a mess for the majority of my 20's; lazy, entitled amongst other things. I would agree with whoever said you should invest in some professional career guidance. I wish I had done so when I was 21. I went into law for all the wrong reasons, because it was a "prestigious" career and all this other nonsense. But it wasn't for me in any way. Took me a while to figure it out. I would advise investing in yourself. Set goals, long and short term, maybe consider cognitive behavioural therapy, work on yourself. I can tell you from first hand experience, comparing yourself to others is a pointless and toxic exercise. Try to avoid. 21 is nothing. Ask yourself, seriously, if medicine is for you. the grass is not always greener. People, especially in Ireland, rush into careers and professions far too early because they are capable of getting the results in the leaving without any real insight into what these professions entail. Don't rush yourself. Honestly, the best thing I ever did was invest in myself and take some chances, move abroad if you can. CBT gave me the tools to help gain some clarity and understand myself better. And as a result, I have finally started to move forward in my career and self esteem has grown. You seem like a smart, insightful person. You can succeed. Figure out what you and don't beat yourself up. Learn about the voice youre referring to, "the inner critic", there are ways to silence this and learn to hinder its influence. good luck

TimesArrow

fojasnbfos wrote: »

I'm 21, I've dropped out of college, I got a good Leaving but of 435, but as it stands I don't want to do anything other than Medicine, and even that's probably just a pipe dream.
I've realised that I've spent months bouncing from one notion to the next - Air Traffic Control, Software Developer, Plumber.. just about anything..
I've realised that Medicine is what I want to do and anything else would be settling - but I'll probably have to settle.

Even to study abroad in Europe - 11,000 tuition for 6 years, I can't afford that.
And even if I could, what's to say I'd be able for it? I'm smart, I could get in, but I haven't applied myself yet.

My best plan is to go get a job in a local factory - or wherever will take me.. work for 2+ years and perfect my application in that time, go to medical school in Poland or Estonia, Italy - wherever I can get in, work my ass go for top of the class, try and compete with everyone else for a Neurosurgical specialisation..

That's like shooting an arrow after rubbing peppers and glass into your eyes, hopping on one foot on the rest of the broken glass shooting a target the size of a ducks nostril on one specific mallard, but they won't tell you which.

So if not medicine then what?

What's the point anyway?

I just see a lot of negatives in the world from Bone Cancer in children, to Loot boxes selling an addiction to kids.
Ads selling addictions to anyone and everyone.
Heart strings advertising, buy this, buy that, 'news' article that are paid for as an ad.
Everything is for the sake of greed.
Or just cruel - Glioblastoma, could start with a headache and end with a death sentence in a couple of weeks, because usually if there's a symptom it's too late.

Pink for Breast Cancer in the NFL - $11.25 from every $100 went to charity, and of  the money that goes to charities a small percentage goes to research.
Charities are excuses for tax exemptions, some are genuine but more are plastering dying kids on cartons to give them .20% of the money.

The average earnings hasn't risen to match the price of inflation, we work longer hours to buy things that were cheaper years ago.

Everything is at a cost, nothing gold can stay because someones called it theirs, paid you to mine it and sold it back to you at a profit, or stuck a sparky rock on it and inflated the price by a couple of hundred percent.


Yes you an upstanding citizen in the US of A gives money to a homeless person, who goes off to buy Fentanyl, a drug he started taking because he was prescribed it for back pain.

The world is full of clickbait videos, tumours of society getting famous, fake news and opinion journalism or just something they found on Reddit.

Nothing matters, it's either deemed 'matter's by society or otherwise.. do what you want but not if it negatively affects others is a good start..
If I don't feel like I'm significantly contributing to the better of the world and the people in it, then why bother at all? - if to significantly contribute by my definition is what I deem to matter.

Sure, I'd go work in a factory on temp with the intention of saving up for medical school.
But for the sake of earning a living with no greater intentions? Or to have some drinking money?
Or what about studying business so I could get a job in marketing and go to work at BetFair and sell gambling to the gullible.

I understand why a parent has a 'point' in life, their kid.
But me as someones child? As it stands they're worse off for having me, I've wasted their money for 2 years of college, the fees, the living expenses and just the money I outright wasted on jagerbombs at 1 in the morning not know where the hell I was.

Beyond that the emotional stress, failing, being unhappy, dropping out of college, jumping from one quick fix idea to the next just to have a way out.. no one will tell you that's a great feeling.
I know they love me irregardless and I love them dearly.. and because of that I feel the obligation to pay them back every cent plus interest.. they won't take it but they'll take a holiday, a new car, or adding to their retirement pot.

The older brother of the girl I brought to my grad just graduated as a Orthopaedic surgeon.. God that made me feel terrible - what have I amounted to?
Sure he's older than me but he's played county, he's got a great leaving, he got on great in his Hpat, he got into college.. by my age he was 3 years into his degree.. I'm not even 3 weeks out of mine.
People work at different paces, things happen at different times, sure.
But if you start a game of football at 2 in the afternoon you can play until the sun goes down, if you start at 9 at night, you might be look to see the ball for awhile before you have to call it quits.

I know I'm pessimistic, but that's not across the board.. I'm optimistic that there are good people, there is real music, there's good foods and laughs to come, there's big events, there's people who love me, I'm not deluded, or at least I don't know it, but as far as I can see it the grand scheme of things is bleak, get it while it's good and if it's not that good.....

I'm just voicing the ugly little voice in my head, I just don't know how to ignore it.. or how I can work to chip away at it..

I have three people I look up to - My dad, my doctor and Henry Marsh.

My dad is a great individual, we're alike in every other sense.
My doctor is the same doctor who gave me my vaccinations as an infant. He's a huge part of why I want to become a doctor, he's the most kind hearted, good natured and caring person I've ever met.
He also saved my dads life by spotting his cancer very early.
Henry Marsh, he's a Neurosurgeon and he wrote 'Do No Harm' my favourite book.
He has spent many years and a lot of money pioneering neurosurgery in Ukraine after the collapse of the Soviet Union. He has done it all out of his own pocket, from bringing over drill bits from the UK to sterilise them so they can be used in Ukraine.. setting up a clinic and helping so many people out of the goodness of his heart.

There's a lot of good in the world and in it there's a number of 'points' to life.. for me, very few of them lie outside of a world with a medical degree..
2+ years of factory work and as much over time as I can find, extremely competitive entry, 6 years of intense study, numerous loans, and many more years of study, exams and expenses.
Without it I don't see much of a point, I don't think people want to hear that from a potential doctor.. but that's how I feel, maybe that says something.

It'll also probably negatively affect me in college, I need to focus on work, the application process, college.. and primarily apply myself, just to focus on the positives and the actions I'm taking to be one of the positives.
I haven't done that in the past, granted I was learning how to sell cigarettes in a marketing module and so I detested it but there were modules I just found difficult to put in the time for and I need to work on that because there will be more of them.
It's an uphill battle.. and I don't know if I really see a point in anything else, and that's probably not a good thing..
Everyone else just seems so happy doing whatever they're doing, or they change and they find their thing.
I've spent my time bouncing ideas around as to what I could do, learn programming to do x, y and z.. when I should just start with seeing how I like programming..

I'm just looking for some insight.. I don't want to put in all this time and all this effort if it's for all the wrong reasons, because that's a terrible foundation.
I don't think I'm doing it for the wrong reasons but I still know my mindset is not the norm for this situation.. it's also not a common situation.
I need advice on how to stick to things, how to really understand who I am and what I want and if I think I know how to know if that's for the right reasons..
I want to chip away at that ugly little voice.

I am nearly 37 now and my god, I could relate to a lot of this when I was 21. I was a mess for the majority of my 20's; lazy, entitled amongst other things. I would agree with whoever said you should invest in some professional career guidance. I wish I had done so when I was 21. I went into law for all the wrong reasons, because it was a "prestigious" career and all this other nonsense. But it wasn't for me in any way. Took me a while to figure it out. I would advise investing in yourself. Set goals, long and short term, maybe consider cognitive behavioural therapy, work on yourself. I can tell you from first hand experience, comparing yourself to others is a pointless and toxic exercise. Try to avoid. 21 is nothing. Ask yourself, seriously, if medicine is for you. the grass is not always greener. People, especially in Ireland, rush into careers and professions far too early because they are capable of getting the results in the leaving without any real insight into what these professions entail. Don't rush yourself. Honestly, the best thing I ever did was invest in myself and take some chances, move abroad if you can. CBT gave me the tools to help gain some clarity and understand myself better. And as a result, I have finally started to move forward in my career and self esteem has grown. You seem like a smart, insightful person. You can succeed. Figure out what you and don't beat yourself up. Learn about the voice youre referring to, "the inner critic", there are ways to silence this and learn to hinder its influence. good luck

older i get better i was

I don't wanna sound patronising, your young things will pan out. Very very few people get what they want when they want it immediately in this life. Just strive to get your next best thing after medicine and apply yourself.