Walking away

GuessWhoEh

I had to walk away from an abusive relationship. It wasn’t physical, it was mental. My head is in a spin. My heart aches from everything. My body is heavy from emotions. I’m hurt. I’m upset. I’m angry. You can love someone for as long as you can before you realise that your mind and body can only take so much pain. Your mental health deteriorates. You lose yourself. You lose who you are but you’re still taking the abuse and suffering because of the love you have for them. Their routine becomes of you. Their personality becomes you. There’s only so much pain and suffering you can carry on and you still continue to tell yourself that you love him. Their cries for apologizes become normal. You’ve stopped believing their apologies but you still tell yourself you believe them. You’ve accepted their emotions, their way of thinking, the choices they make and you tell yourself it’s all going to be okay. You hug them and soothe them and love them no matter what life throws at them. You’re not happy. You’re not happy with them but you’re happy to take the abuse because you love them. You tell yourself that relationships aren’t easy but in your heavy heart you know this way of life and living isn’t healthy. It’s demeaning. It’s soul breaking but all in all you tell yourself that with the heartbreak and heaviness, you still love them. Love is the strongest emotion you can have towards a person. It’s a loving and lovely emotion to have. To have that for someone who is willingly able to belittle you, call you names, take their anger out on you and have you live in fear takes a lot of patience. To be able to accept who they are and accept that one day they will lose their anger and turn into what should be a loving an affectionate relationship takes a lot of strong willpower. I can accept tha their lack of love and their abuse wasn’t my fault. I tried my hardest to make them happy but my happiness wasn’t met. I suffered and I had to leave.

It’s been a few days and I’ve gone through more emotions that I have done in my years here and I know one day the crying will stop, the anger will disappear and the hurt I’m carrying will turn into a lesson learned. Life throws us a curveball and this is my curveball. My one lesson I’ve learned from this is my mental health means more than my love towards anyone.

nthclare

Congratulations, you've just set yourself free from a Narcissist...

Been there myself, you'll get better over time.

These narcissistic men and women are monsters...

Keep away, my suggestion is zero contact...I mean zero..

Don't even look at a photograph...email... Facebook... Instagram...

Zero contact

Sephiroth_dude

Block and delete and don't look back, get yourself some counselling, time is a great healer.

GuessWhoEh

nthclare wrote: »

Congratulations, you've just set yourself free from a Narcissist...

Been there myself, you'll get better over time.

These narcissistic men and women are monsters...

Keep away, my suggestion is zero contact...I mean zero..

Don't even look at a photograph...email... Facebook... Instagram...

Zero contact

I’ve deleted their number. I’m not on any social media so I’ve no plans on looking at photos etc. I sent my very last message to them yesterday morning stating how hurt I was. I don’t know why I did that. After I sent the message I didn’t even look to see if they read it, I just deleted the message and their number. I left my engagement ring on the draw in their house and it’s non refundable so a part of me done a little dance inside when I seen the receipt for it. I grabbed everything single thing I owned and packed my stuff. It killed me but I had to do it. I didn’t want to go back if I forgot something. I’ve re-washed all my clothes to get the smell of them off it.

They knew the pain and hurt they caused me but doesn’t care. I can’t see them being in contact again. I doubt they will either.

GuessWhoEh

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Block and delete and don't look back, get yourself some counselling, time is a great healer.

I will be attending counselling soon. I’m sure they blocked me the day I left the house. Not a single word was uttered to me verbally or text since I left

nthclare

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

I’ve deleted their number. I’m not on any social media so I’ve no plans on looking at photos etc. I sent my very last message to them yesterday morning stating how hurt I was. I don’t know why I did that. After I sent the message I didn’t even look to see if they read it, I just deleted the message and their number. I left my engagement ring on the draw in their house and it’s non refundable so a part of me done a little dance inside when I seen the receipt for it. I grabbed everything single thing I owned and packed my stuff. It killed me but I had to do it. I didn’t want to go back if I forgot something. I’ve re-washed all my clothes to get the smell of them off it.

They knew the pain and hurt they caused me but doesn’t care. I can’t see them being in contact again. I doubt they will either.

Zero contact is right.
You deserve better.

I'm finished with one of those monsters a few months now.

They're in all walks of life, you're probably an easy going happy go lucky person...

They prey on good people.

By the way they won't find a better partner than you, they will be looking for someone not as strong as yourself.

Their standards lower while victims of their abuse do better.....

They think the opposite of us...

Washing the clothes, classic...

Well done

GuessWhoEh

nthclare wrote: »

Zero contact is right.
You deserve better.

I'm finished with one of those monsters a few months now.

They're in all walks of life, you're probably an easy going happy go lucky person...

They prey on good people.

By the way they won't find a better partner than you, they will be looking for someone not as strong as yourself.

Their standards lower while victims of their abuse do better.....

They think the opposite of us...

Washing the clothes, classic...

Well done

I washed all the clothes and hung the clothes to their liking. They were very particular about the way clothes were hung on the line. They were particular about the way the bed was made and I always got given out to no matter what way I made the bed, even after they damanded and showed me. I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep before them because I had to turn the telly off or I was told to **** of. I was always asked to make the tea, once in a blue moon I would get tea made but that was usually after the many apologies. I’ve had a shoe thrown at me. I’ve been called a c**t and stupid. They would claim they were only joking when they insulted me. It hurt. It was their way, and their way only. If I fell asleep during a film, I would get shouted at and berated. They hid money on me, pretty sure stole money from me too. Intimate times was when they wanted. The list goes on......

nthclare

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

I washed all the clothes and hung the clothes to their liking. They were very particular about the way clothes were hung on the line. They were particular about the way the bed was made and I always got given out to no matter what way I made the bed, even after they damanded and showed me. I wasn’t allowed to go to sleep before them because I had to turn the telly off or I was told to **** of. I was always asked to make the tea, once in a blue moon I would get tea made but that was usually after the many apologies. I’ve had a shoe thrown at me. I’ve been called a c**t and stupid. They would claim they were only joking when they insulted me. It hurt. It was their way, and their way only. If I fell asleep during a film, I would get shouted at and berated. They hid money on me, pretty sure stole money from me too. Intimate times was when they wanted. The list goes on......

Google gaslighting...

Hiding things and making you think you're going insane is another trait....

Like your shoes going missing, finding your lipstick where you didn't leave it.
Rearranging ornaments, CDs the cereal drawer... etc

These monsters are insidious....

And there's a lot more out there, I went on the dating apps again and the amount of numpty s I've come across is phenomenal....

It's great you can laugh about it too...

Enjoy your day,I'm off up the coast for a surf...
Oh the single life is fcken great.

That cnut I was with stopped my surfing and fishing etc...lol I wasn't giving the b I atch enough attention....

Enjoy your single life.... because you're worth it

Sephiroth_dude

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

I will be attending counselling soon. I’m sure they blocked me the day I left the house. Not a single word was uttered to me verbally or text since I left

Glad to hear it, sounds like they feel you wronged them :rolleyes: and wanted to remain in control of the situation so to make it look as if they blocked you first, they have no control over you anymore.

GuessWhoEh

nthclare wrote: »

Google gaslighting...

Hiding things and making you think you're going insane is another trait....

Like your shoes going missing, finding your lipstick where you didn't leave it.
Rearranging ornaments, CDs the cereal drawer... etc

These monsters are insidious....

And there's a lot more out there, I went on the dating apps again and the amount of numpty s I've come across is phenomenal....

It's great you can laugh about it too...

Enjoy your day,I'm off up the coast for a surf...
Oh the single life is fcken great.

That cnut I was with stopped my surfing and fishing etc...lol I wasn't giving the b I atch enough attention....

Enjoy your single life.... because you're worth it

They know I have anixiety already. I’ve been to hospaital and psychiatrist because of the anxiety and I’m sure they made it worst over the last few months. I took an overdose because everything became too much and I convinced myself afterwards that it was just my mental health but it was them. They made it worst. The carry on of them when I was admitted the night I took the overdose should of been a warning for me but course, I loved them and believed they were right for me.

GuessWhoEh

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Glad to hear it, sounds like they feel you wronged them :rolleyes: and wanted to remain in control of the situation so to make it look as if they blocked you first, they have no control over you anymore.

That’s what I have to keep telling myself. No one can control me anymore. No one can belittle me anymore. No one can tell me what to do with money anymore. I went clothes shopping for the first time in months yesterday and I spent over 300 quid on stuff I couldn’t even attempt to buy because I never had money and when I did have money, I had to keep it and hold it in case they asked me to buy something for them. I never got anything.

Dtp1979

Genuine question, why do you keep referring to him as They or them?

anewme

A long time ago I left a similar relationship with 10 pounds in my purse and a small dog on a lead to start again. If I'd stayed there would have been a tragedy in the house.

I was so focussed on how I was going to manage financially that I did not deal with the emotional aspect at all. Unlike you, I was not in love with him anymore, he was still in love with me, not enough to realise I was being driven away by his behaviour.

about 8 years later I was driving home from work one day, it must have been a song came on from that era that took me right back. It then hit me like a ton of bricks.

Do you are doing the right thing in getting your counselling now and then close it off.

One advice I will give is to not equate everything you are doing now to what you could not have done before. That type of comparing only keeps the whole thing going and leads to negative thinking for you. Look forward.

Well done on getting out of the situation.

skallywag

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Genuine question, why do you keep referring to him as They or them?

I don't see where the OP has said anywhere that it's a man in question?

anewme

skallywag wrote: »

I don't see where the OP has said anywhere that it's a man in question?

There is a reference to "him"in the first post.

About the him/them I don't find it odd at all the way the OP's post is phrased tbh.

skallywag

anewme wrote: »

There is a reference to "him"in the first post.

About the him/them I don't find it odd at all the way the OP's post is phrased tbh.

Aha, so there is.

GuessWhoEh

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Genuine question, why do you keep referring to him as They or them?

I think they don’t deserved to be recognised as anything. I could continuously saying a**hole but I’ll only be scooping down to their level. It was either that or them/they. This isn’t a gender thingy by the way. It’s nothing to do with that. It’s base on the fact that I haven’t got it in me to recognise what they are so I’ll refer to them to that. A real man doesn’t treat a woman with that amount of disrespect. He’s not a man. He’s not anything. He’s a heartless creature.

anewme

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

I think they don’t deserved to be recognised as anything. I could continuously saying a**hole but I’ll only be scooping down to their level. It was either that or them/they. This isn’t a gender thingy by the way. It’s nothing to do with that. It’s base on the fact that I haven’t got it in me to recognise what they are so I’ll refer to them to that. A real man doesn’t treat a woman with that amount of disrespect. He’s not a man. He’s not anything. He’s a heartless creature.

In relation to this, hopefully this is what Counselling will help you with.

Its early days, but You need to get to the point where what he is or was or ever will be will have no relevance or concern to you.

Best advice from a friend- bitterness only affects the bitter party.

The opposite to love is not hate, but rather apathy or indifference. That's what you need to work towards for yourself.

Sardonicat

Well done on getting out. Your head must be spinning. While you're waiting for counselling to start make an effort to spoil yourself. Start by enjoying those new clothes you got. Don't keep them for "best" . Get dressed up and flaunt your new threads.

Give yourself an activity to do each day that will focus your attention on achieving that goal and keep you moving forward. Doesn't have to be anything big; stuff like:hair appointment, coffee with friends, getting stuff for your new accommodation or new stuff for your room if you've had to move back with family.
Every now and then take note that you aren't walking on eggshells anymore and enjoy that feeling.
You've done a huge and difficult thing getting away. In a few months you won't know yourself, I promise.