Help I need another point of view!

Eyrelass

I'm here to get sombodys opinion on this as I just can't get my head around it and I don't want to talk to any of my friends about it. Probably because I know what they will say.

I'm with my boyfriend 2 years and he has a child from a previous relationship. He remains on good terms with the mother after they broke up 9 years ago. When the child was less than 2. She is still single but has a child from another relationship. They live a bit away so he now and again stays up there when he wants to see his child.

But recently I've become uncomfortable with it. At first it was intuition that it just didn't feel right. She had a boyfriend but after they broke up she seemed to get a bit needy. So she would have him up there doing diy in the house which was rented. Then she asked him to come up to help here move but turns out when he got there she didn't need to move the stuff at all. There always seemed to be an excuse.

I feel bad but I started to go through his phone to read there conversations but I just felt something was a miss. She would send him pics of clothes she'd bought telling him he should tell me to go in and buy them. Not a deal breaker I know but still not really her place. Then I came across a conversation where she said she saw a nice pair of boots that I should buy to which he replied my legs are too fat for boots. To say I was enraged was an understatement. I may have but on a few pounds since we met but I'm a size 10, hardly massive by any means. At that point I confronted him and threatened to kick him out. Between the ins and outs he apologised and I agreed to give him another chance if he promised not to talk to her about us or to let her interfere. He promised he wouldn't.

Fast forward another 6 months maybe more. I still don't like the woman and I still felt something wasn't right. I also wanted assurance that he kept his end of the bargain. In the meantime myself esteem had take a nose dive and I began to see the reemergance of an eating disorder I had as a teenager. Paranoia getting the better of me I went through his phone again. This time her messages had gotten worse. Firstly he talked to her about me going through issues after he promised he wouldn't tell her anything anymore which really hurt. But she started to send him pictures at first of outfits when she was going out asking if they were a but slutty. She's got sisters she could ask that ffs. Then she started sending pics of her in her underware and then one of her boobs. Then there's another text where she says she wants to sext him later and if I see him online to say he was talking to his child. Now his reactions weren't overly enthusiastic but he didn't tell her to stop either or that her behaviour was unacceptable. The worst thing that was said was that she couldn't understand why he wanted to stay with me even though he wasn't attracted to me. To which he just replied that mentally he was and she just sent laughing emojis.

I felt so hurt and betrayed by the whole thing. I confronted him and all he came back with was that it's something he has to put up with from her and that he says nothing just to keep the peace as she makes his life easy as a co-parent. Although there was nothing there as evidence that he's ever acted on her advances I still think she would do it if she got nowhere with him. I'm a mess since. He's been trying to make it better. He's stopped staying up there because I say no way if that was the way she carried on. She has tried to have him stay saying she had no babysitter while she had to go off with work and needed someone to bring him to school and be there in the evening until she got back yet magically she had a sitter for her other child. He didn't bite and said that we would collect the child and all go and stay in a hotel and bring him to school from there. But all of a sudden she found an alternative arrangement and we weren't needed at all. It just feels like she's making excuses. I just don't know what to think anymore. Is it all her, or is there two of them in it. I've no proof anything happened between them so don't know if he's to blame. But I know what she's been sending and it's not acceptable. What do other people think? I really need another perspective before my head explodes

ED E

Paragraphs please.


He's had a chance to set proper boundaries twice if not more. Failed to. Deceived you about what's going on. You invaded his privacy twice. This relationship is a sinking ship. Time to get out.

fits

It really sounds like it is all her and he is afraid to set boundaries in order not to sour the relationship for his kid. It seems he’s not doing much wrong but he’d need to nip the sexy texts in the bud. Also he shouldn’t be talking about you like that. That’s the worst thing imo.

Flippyfloppy

I don’t think it is all her, there is definitely two of them in it. She has no responsibility to you though, he does. Now that you’ve seen him talking about you like this can you ever fully trust him again? I would cut and run if a relationship was making me feel this bad, no one needs this kind of stuff. Best of luck.

Peatys

You don't trust him. After you going through his phone, he probably doesn't trust you. He talks about you after you asked him not to.

I see why you're not taking about this to people who'll tell you that you don't want to hear.

Make a clean break while you still can, ie this side of kids.

Ghekko

Are there set arrangements with regard to access to the child? If not then maybe he needs to organise that and have his child come stay with him rather than him go to stay there. If you are happy for him to continue talking about you and your relationship behind your back then by all means stay with him. However I don't think he will stop given you've had to ask more than once already. The only contact he needs with her is about their child, end of.

LegacyUser

fits wrote: »

It really sounds like it is all her and he is afraid to set boundaries in order not to sour the relationship for his kid. It seems he’s not doing much wrong but he’d need to nip the sexy texts in the bud. Also he shouldn’t be talking about you like that. That’s the worst thing imo.

Nothing has been said here that would imply he has any reason to worry about the relationship with his child!
Personally I don't think it's all her!

Eyrelass

With the way he works he is out of the country so seeing his child takes a bit of organising. But he does bring him here a lot of the time too don't get me wrong. But you are correct the only contact they should have is regarding the child. However when I stress this he claims they are friends and he talks to her to get her opinion. But she obviously sees it as a green light to over step the mark. The woman has completely disrespected me while remaining nice as pie to my face. I've told him I won't even entertain her any more and won't be anywhere near her.

Peatys

Eyrelass wrote: »

But she obviously sees it as a green light to over step the mark. The woman has completely disrespected me while remaining nice as pie to my face. I've told him I won't even entertain her any more and won't be anywhere near her.

You can blame her all you want, he's a grown man capable of making his own decisions. He's the one giving her the green light. He's the one disrespecting you.

She owes you nothing.

beauf

Peatys wrote: »

...make a clean break while you still can, ie this side of kids.

This.

The issue is not her it's him.
He's has no respect for you.

mojesius

He doesn't seem to be making much of an effort to resolve your warranted unease with thia entire situation. I reckon he actually gets off on it, having the two of you bay for his attention and affection. He sounds like a right dick to be honest.

She will always be in his life. She's the mother of his child. For the sake of their child, it's better that they get along.

I'd have walked away the second I saw that disrespectful comment about your legs. Jesus, he sounds like a right catch. You should focus on him, his shortcomings, how he treats you Vs how you want to be treated, not the ex.

A true bond between two people is so much more than what you're describing between you and him, regardless of exes and kids.

Bonniek

Really don't understand why you are still with him? Get out while you can, she is going to always be in his life because they have a child together and you can't ask him to choose between you or her as she is the mother of his child. Obviously still unfinished business

Purple Mountain

Eyrelass wrote: »

The worst thing that was said was that she couldn't understand why he wanted to stay with me even though he wasn't attracted to me. To which he just replied that mentally he was and she just sent laughing emojis.

I felt so hurt and betrayed by the whole thing

You seriously forgave him after that?

Xterminator

Hi Op

He is emotionally cheating on you. He cannot cut off the relationship with the mother of his child, so she's going to be on the scene for the future.

so where does this leave you? It leaves you needing to make a decision. what do you want out of this?

you can leave or you can stay and work on the relationship. the 3rd choice is no choice that is to let things drift on. Your relationship cannot work without trust, and it sounds to me like the trust is irreparably damaged.

Are you inclined to try to save the relationship. does the good outweigh the bad, in your estimation? If so you can see will he attend couples therapy, and see if you can move past this situation. if he refuses, well that answers that question.

If you decide to leave, be smart, protect your interests and make sure you land on your feet. Put aside a deposit for a flat, and dont have all your money in a joint account. be practical be prepared.

Emme

Eyrelass wrote: »

Fast forward another 6 months maybe more. I still don't like the woman and I still felt something wasn't right. I also wanted assurance that he kept his end of the bargain.

In the meantime myself esteem had take a nose dive and I began to see the reemergance of an eating disorder I had as a teenager.

The worst thing that was said was that she couldn't understand why he wanted to stay with me even though he wasn't attracted to me. To which he just replied that mentally he was and she just sent laughing emojis.

What do other people think? I really need another perspective before my head explodes

There are too many red flags. You seem to have a gut feeling that something isn't right. Also your eating disorder has resurfaced which is a huge warning sign that this relationship is not right for you.

The way he is talking to her shows that he has absolutely no respect for you. He is not laying down boundaries with her and saying he is in another relationship so stop the stupid comments and slutty pictures.

She will always be in his life because she is the mother of his child. Maybe he doesn't want to rock the boat because he wants to keep seeing his child. Maybe there has been something more going on since she split from her ex.

Even if there is nothing going on you need to get out of this relationship ASAP for the sake of your health and your sanity.

Mr. Incognito

He has to keep this woman sweet for the sake of his kid.

I would get out. She obviously has jealousy issues and he should be setting the boundaries there.

banoffe2

`you deserve the best OP - make a clean break - you take charge of your decisions from now on, if you can keep it civilised and end it without a shouting match, he wont be expecting it or be prepared, walk away and hold your head up high and keep your dignity.

The less said the better, no blaming, you want to end the relationship. breaking up is hard to do, but once you get the courage to make the decision, you will fell much better and knowing that you are taking responsibility is very empowering and liberating, no one wants to be the victim
The very best of luck to you OP xx keep in touch, you don't have to do this on your own

LolaJJ

I'm sorry but am I reading a different thread.

The underlying thing is that he's NOT just "going along with" this.

He said your legs were too fat for boots OP and has clearly at some point told her that he's not physically attracted to you.

So, there is deffo two of them at play here.

I'd kick him out 100%

professore

Let me just say I have no idea whether the following is at all true - as I don't know you, him or the ex. I would suggest a different possibility. His ex could be crazy - and make it very difficult for him to see his kid if he doesn't "pretend" to be interested in her idea that he is still madly attracted to her. 

At the end of the day if he is any way normal he is going to put his kid first - if that involves listening to a load of rubbish about how he still fancies her etc then he will gladly suck that up.
She could well have harped on about him being not attracted to you and he just agreed to prevent a meltdown and her "not being available" when he wants to see his kid. 
The comment about your legs being too fat for your boots could be him offering an honest opinion.

What I would say if this was me in your boyfriend's position, I would show you all the texts and explain why she is sending them.
I know a guy who has an ex who is crazy like this. He doesn't have a girlfriend though but he has to go along with all sorts of crazy things just so he can see his kids.

sbm_s

OP I had to reply to you. My heart goes out to you as you must be very confused and in a lot of pain. My advice to you is to leave him. She is not the problem, I could be texting him photos of myself but I’m not the problem either.. he is. Any man that is loyal and has respect for their girlfriend would never behave the way he is. He is continually putting you down, betraying your trust laughing at you. His comments have triggered memories of an eating disorder which can become deterimental to your mental health.

From what you have written, he has no respect but you need to find your self worth. You are worth more than this. A woman who is size ten could physically not have legs too fat for any size of boots. What an idiotic comment. They have a child together and will always have some bond to each other. He is letting her speak about you like that hence why she keeps pushing and pushing and she clearly craves male attention right now following the break down of her relationship.

OP the obvious and best decision is to leave him. I feel you know this is the right thing but won’t because if you did you wouldn’t be here hoping someone would tell you something different. But if you continue to let him speak about you and make fun of you like that, the person going to come out the worst is you. It will eventually wear you down and affect you psychologically.