Feeling left out and hurt

sallyanne12

My friend who I'm really fond of got engaged a few months ago. She didn't tell me directly but was told by my other friend who is in a group chat with her (school friends) so I congratulated her personally. Myself and this girl plus two girls from her school group met in college and have been friends ever since (not meeting regularly due to life getting in the way but still meeting up etc)... we would meet up one on one and have dinner wine etc. I really felt she was a friend. Only now she is planning her hen party and I've heard nothing about it only through another friend... I'm assuming I'm not gonna be invited to the wedding and I'm feeling rather upset about it. We didn't fall out or anything. It's not missing the wedding that hurts me so much as that she obviously doesn't consider me a friend if she's not inviting me. What should I do? Should I move on without her as a friend or should I wait till the wedding is over and tell her I was hurt I wasn't asked.. it's a difficult one because I do like her a lot but is there any point staying in contact now... thanks

woodchuck

OP how much effort has been made by both of you to maintain the friendship since you left college? The sad fact may be that the two of you have just grown apart. It doesn't mean you're not friends, just that you're not as close as you used to be.

Don't get so hung up on the wedding, it's not worth falling out over if you've just naturally grown apart. But if you're interested in rekindling the friendship, you'll need to put in the time and the effort.

santana75

Something similar happened to me recently. A mate is getting married next month and his stag was a couple of weeks ago. I met him in the gym a few days before the stag and he admitted sheepishly that he and the others were heading abroad for his stag the next weekend. There was a definite tension in the air between us, the unspoken truth was he hadnt invited me and we both knew it.
There was a moment where I felt like I had been blanked, for whatever reasons but then I was grand. I wished him all the best for his stag and wedding.
My number one rule in life is to never take anything personally and this rule has served me very well. Because initially its tempting to think its something you did or didnt do but the truth is you just dont know whats going on inside someones head.
Op it stings when something like this happens but the worst thing you can do is to doubt yourself. Wish the girl well in your heart and let it go. Life has a way of balancing these things out in the long run, you might lose one day but win the next. And the truth has a way of coming out eventually. If she is a real friend you'll find that out, if shes not, you'll find that out also. But dont tie yourself in knots and let the whole thing go. I guarantee you'll feel lighter and happier, its the holding on to things that does the damage.

Ursus Horribilis

I wouldn't go down the road of calling her out on it. What's the point? Besides, your friendship with her has changed because of this. If an invite for the wedding arrives, you'll wonder is it to make up the numbers? If nothing comes, you'll probably not be as eager to meet up with her again anyway. It is a line in the sand, regardless of what way you dice it. My guess is that she doesn't see you as a close friend. Have you even met her fiancé?

There are some unknowns here too. We don't know how many people she is inviting on this hen, nor who exactly is going. It's possible that you simply fall outside the "criteria" for an invitation. You meet up occasionally but you wouldn't be a close friend of hers these days. When it comes to drawing up lists of who to invite to these things, someone has to draw a line somewhere. if I read this right, the other girls in your college group have known her since school. That probably brings them over the line in a way you wouldn't. Especially if other locally based people go on this hen.

fineso.mom

OP maybe she doesnt see you as close a friend as you see her? Shes not obliged to include you in her hen just because you are very fond of her. Im sure she likes you and enjoys your company, but how close are you really? It just seems odd to me that she didnt tell you of her engagement herself.
Also, even if she didnt include you in the hen, that doesnt mean shes not inviting you to the wedding. Why would you 'presume' you are not going to be invited?

Faith

woodchuck wrote: »

OP how much effort has been made by both of you to maintain the friendship since you left college? The sad fact may be that the two of you have just grown apart. It doesn't mean you're not friends, just that you're not as close as you used to be.

I have a group of female friends since school. There are 4 of us. One has been my best friend since I was 4, another was the most incredible support when I needed someone, and the third lives in a different country and it’s common that I only see her at Christmas. Neither of us make any effort to keep in touch with each other, and would never see each other if it wasn’t arranged by someone else.

I like her a lot, but when I got married, I asked the two I’m close to to be my bridesmaids. I know the one I rarely see was hurt, but I’m genuinely baffled as to why she even thought I’d ask her. Now, I did ask her to do a reading during the ceremony, and she was definitely invited to the hen and wedding, but my point is she had a different perception of our friendship than I did.

I’m wondering if the same could be said for your friendship? Like woodchuck asked, how actively is the friendship maintained by both of you, independently of anyone else?

zapper55

Hens are usually only for family and close friends. Just because you aren't invited to the hens is no indication of whether or not you'll get a wedding invite.

Ghekko

If you're not in regular contact and you're hearing about her through mutual friends, then I can understand why she wouldn't invite you. Perhaps she's going by a rule of inviting those she speaks to and sees on a regular basis. How often have you seen or spoken to her since her engagement?

Sephiroth_dude

I know you're feeling hurt but try and look at this way, its one less expense for you and you don't have to deal with any wedding drama or potential bridezilla..

bertsmom

Op I know your feeling hurt and left out but try and keep it in perspective. If your not in contact all that much (regular but not enough to call often) then perhaps you are valuing a friendship whilst this girl views it as an acquaintance.
There is nothing wrong with this at all just maby realise that when organising any event a line has to be drawn somewhere as to who gets invited and who doesn't. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you but as life goes on friendships change and some deepen whilst some fade. Its just part of life.
I certainly wouldn't mention to the bride to be that your feeling hurt I think it would be petty and leave her feeling like you HAVE to be included which isnt fair.
Perhaps on the day you can arrange an enjoyable day of shopping and lunch with a friend or a spa day etc and dont give it any more thought. Let it go

heretothere

As someone who very recently got married I wouldn't take it too personally. I invited only family and best friends to my hen. Even the wedding was mostly family. Unless she has specifically been nasty or excuded you from something I wouldn't 'call her out' she hasn't really done anything wrong