Income v Stress

LegacyUser

Sorry in advance if this drags gets long winded. and I know its not as bad as other problems on here but I need advice.


Basically I work in a technical role that to all intents and purposes I like... there are aspects I don't like but I like it more than I don't like it as a whole. Last year I moved in with my partner who I love and she's been great to live with for the most part.

Since the move:
1. My commute time to and from work has increased by 2hrs (on average) on any given day.
2. My ability to enjoy hobbies or see friends has diminshed due to the commute and locale of where we live and the sheer lack of amenities and public transport.

I make a modest wage in the job and we have bills and cars to run for work commuting and a mortgage to pay. I have worked in the same industry for the last 10+ years and changing location isn't really an option as most of the competitors are based on south Dublin and I live further north than would be feasible to commute without making that even longer each day.

Over the last couple months I've begun to stress more and more and I am putting it down to a quite poor work-life balance. I feel like I get up, go to work, come home, dinner, and bed. The weekends are spent going through the motions (go for jog, obligitory visits to family, grocery shop, prep for work the coming week.)

A claustaraphobia of sorts is beginning to set in and I have no real free time to do anything. I'm not sleeping properly, my diet is slowly turning to sh!t and I am starting to feel the symptoms of stress more and more.

Over the last couple months I have been toying with the idea of asking my employer if I can drop down to a 4 day working week. I had a 4 day week a couple weeks ago and that made all the difference that week. I felt so recharged afterwards I felt mentally more capable and it even showed in my work for the days I was in.

Part of the problem is dropping to a 4 day week will automatically mean at least a 20% reduction in my salary. She works full time too. I don't know if l we could handle it financially. Secondary to that. She's, to date, got a more successful career so I don't want her to feel like she has to bear the brunt of the household finances and I don't want her to feel like I'm sponging off her either.

And in the long run will it really will fix my problem? I'm worried that in 6 months time my current mental state will return and I'll then be looking at a 3 day week or going part-time etc.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

woodchuck

Is moving house closer to your workplace a possible option?

dellas1979

Not sure what type of job you do, could you ask to work from home 1-2 days per week?)?

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

Is moving house closer to your workplace a possible option?

She's not keen to move house at all as she is literally 10-15mins from work by car and has free parking. She also bought the house 2.5 years before we started dating too and wouldn't really clear anything after the mortgage is paid off; coupling that with the fact that "we'd" no longer be first time buyers (I would but she wouldn't) so we'd need the 20% deposit on the new house. I broached the idea of it to her already.

dellas1979 wrote: »

Not sure what type of job you do, could you ask to work from home 1-2 days per week?)?

Realistically it would be of little to no consequence to the company if we could do that. I and a couple other colleagues have tabled that idea before but the company just won't invest in the I.T. time or the hardware to facilitate us to do it.

Emme

OP you are showing signs of burnout. I know, I've been there and am still trying to cope. If you ask your employer if you can work 4 days and they agree you will probably have the same workload and be expected to do it in 4 days instead of 5 and a 20% reduced income.

Your partner probably has no idea how much stress you are under. As she has the shorter commute it would not be unreasonable to expect her to take on 90% of the housework and meal prep if you continue working 5 days. She could easily do the grocery shop herself after work during the week. That would be one less thing for you to do. I am serious here. I know from experience that long commutes destroy every aspect of your life.

By the sounds of things if your OH rents the house out and you rent a place closer to your work your costs will go up. I hope you can both work it out.

LegacyUser

A 20% drop in income doesn’t necessarily translate as a 20% drop in take home pay. Maybe work that out for yourself and see does it make much difference

zapper55

I'm not sure if I'm missing something but I do a two hour commute a day and still do exercise, grocery shopping and seeing family or friends in the evening. I do a grocery shop on the way home from work. If I'm meeting someone I either eat with them or have dinner ready to go beforehand from the night before.

Tho it does sound like it's very uneven if you are doing a 2 hour commute and she's doing 30 mins. Surely she could make a feel more dinners and do more grocery shopping to even things out a bit.

Also if she has a more successful career and earns more why on earth can't you suggest that she contribute a bit more (don't word it like that tho!).

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

If you ask your employer if you can work 4 days and they agree you will probably have the same workload and be expected to do it in 4 days instead of 5 and a 20% reduced income.

Luckily that wouldn't be the case as we receive our workload on a daily basis.

Emme wrote: »

Your partner probably has no idea how much stress you are under. As she has the shorter commute it would not be unreasonable to expect her to take on 90% of the housework and meal prep if you continue working 5 days. She could easily do the grocery shop herself after work during the week. That would be one less thing for you to do. I am serious here. I know from experience that long commutes destroy every aspect of your life.

To be fair to her, whoever gets in first starts the dinner and we do the grocery shop together unless one of us is too busy then the other person will still do it themselves

zapper55 wrote: »

I'm not sure if I'm missing something but I do a two hour commute a day and still do exercise, grocery shopping and seeing family or friends in the evening. I do a grocery shop on the way home from work. If I'm meeting someone I either eat with them or have dinner ready to go beforehand from the night before.

Hi Zapper,

My commute has gone up BY 2 hours a day (on average). I sill exercise and we still get the grocery shopping. Its more the social aspect of things. Like for example my last bus home is at 6:30pm Monday to Friday and its the only bus I can get to from work. My bus is so irregular and very often is late or doesn't show up at all that I've found I've drive to a friends and get the bus in to work. Then I have to do the opposite on the way home in the evenings.

zapper55 wrote: »

Also if she has a more successful career and earns more why on earth can't you suggest that she contribute a bit more (don't word it like that tho!).

We contribute evenly financially speaking as I want to pay my way I don't want to lump put any pressure on her to support us (for lack of a better term) by dropping down to a shorter work week and reduced income that comes with it.

dellas1979

Your options then are:
- A reduced working week
- Leave the job to find something closer
- Learn to drive
- Move closer to your work

Am not having a go at you, hope it comes across as more advice, but just about every possible solution has been shot down. That's grand. Its your life. But just dont leave it too late and suffer on/burn out.

If you feel you need the 4 day week (for your health), there really isnt a negative. Money is money. It comes and goes. Your health is more important.

I'd put a deadline on this to make a decision so that it doesnt go on and on.

jon1981

You reckon kids will arrive on the scene in the future OP? Worth considering as one you will need to be more flexible when it comes looking after them. Perhaps you could position yourself as so and step back from the career and support hers.

pwurple

You are time poor. Totally impoverished, Classic example.

So, it's all about earning that time back. on a practical level, you can outsource some tasks. Tesco delivery solves your hour or so shopping. Hire a cleaner to come in on Friday and clean the place, do ironing etc. Free up your weekends.

Use the commute to be productive. Emails, prep, the online Tesco shop etc

Seeing family and friends, can this move to a midweek evening? Can you do a class or other thing with them? See them for food and a drink on Thursday or Friday night.

jon1981

Tesco home delivery or at least collection is a huge time saver! We'd be lost without. Easily saves us 2 hours a week. We also have a home cleaner that comes for 3 hours every 2 weeks. It might seem like alot but it saves having to do a lot of larger cleaning jobs and also in general keeps the house tidy.

Mackzee

You are first and everything else is second. Your mental and physical state are really important. In this day and age, people often neglect these in favour of satisfying work. Act now to make your day to day better for you. Write down your ideal scenario and map out step by step how to obtain these. Tackle one thing at a time.
Listen to these aswell:
Jaret Grossman - Daily Motivation
Jordan Peterson
Joe Rogan - Motivational Speech

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Cockadoodledoo

2 hour commuter here!!

I use 1 week annual leave every quarter. It gives a bit of breathing space and chance to recharge. It also comes around pretty fast. Most of these weeks have zero plans other than to relax even if it involves going elsewhere.

I get my shopping delivered and it’s a lifesaver! It saves about three hours at the weekend. €3 to get it placed on your worktop! This alone made a huge difference.

I’m contemplating getting a cleaner because I HATE doing it at weekends.

I stopped making dinners every evening and batch cook now.

You just need to juggle things around and make them fit better so that when you get home the time is yours. It is possible

You also need a break!! Take a week off if you have it or book a weekend away and just relax. You’ll be surprised what difference having something to look forward to will do for your mental health.

Is cycling to work an option? I read a thread here about someone who had a crazy commute by public transport, an hour and a half each way if I remember correctly and they reduced it to 40 mins by cycling.

Also, somebody already mentioned that 20% may not impact your take home pay by much (depending on how much tax you are currently paying).

witchgirl26

OP I think a couple of the suggestions here are really good.

Neither of us has a commute that long now but it's still quite long for each of us so there are things we try to do to maximise our time at home to chill out.

Getting a cleaner every couple of weeks has been a lifesaver to be honest and saved so much time for us at the weekend. It just means things like the bathrooms are sorted and our one also does some ironing and laundry which is great. It saves us a good 3 hours at the weekend so well worth the €100ish a month.

Getting the shopping delivered isn't something we do because we live quite near our supermarket but I definitely think batch cooking is a great plan as it means you're not having to face into making dinners every single night. We'll often cook up something at the start of the week and eat it for the first 3 days or so.

Are you driving to work or are you on public transport? If it's the latter, try to use it to your benefit. That's 2 hours of downtime to yourself to read, or listen to podcasts or music that you might not get a chance to at home. Don't just look at it as wasted time. I know someone who drove over 1.5 hours to and from work and used it to ring family and friends they needed to catch up with. It made the trip go much faster for them.

One thing in terms of contributing to the household - I gather it's your girlfriends house from your posts. In that sense, she obviously was able to afford it prior to moving in. If there is a large disparity in your pay, then paying in equal amounts might not actually be fair on you as you didn't get to choose the house and you're contributing more as a % of your income. If there is a big difference, then maybe look at both contributing a certain % of your incomes into the household rather than a straight 50:50 split.

Cockadoodledoo

Witch girl made a good point! I make all of my phone calls to friends and family on the way home too

MartyMcFly84

Try and find a gym or a class of some kind on your commute home or near your office. That way you can drop in while the traffic is bad anyway, I find I get home only an hour later max than if I left during rush hour and manage to fit more into the day for myself. I never understand the mad rush to get home at rush hour, spend ages in traffic only sit on the couch and do nothing until bed. (obviously if there is kids involved its a different story).

Another thing could be to space out your annual leave. I try and take a week every 3 months or so to recharge. Even if I am not going anywhere. I know people who spread theirs out over the year so they have multiple 4 day weeks and dont impinge on pay. If you are not planning trips it can be alternative way to use your paid annual leave.