Do's and Don'ts for someone else ending a relationship

LegacyUser

Background here is that an extended family member is planning on leaving her husband. While she has confided in us about problems, she hasn't come asking for assistance. But we have heard through other grapevines about her plans and we're concerned that she's going to make a big mistake. We shouldn't be sticking our oar in, but we will end being dragged into it whether we want to or not.

So we are concerned that she is overthinking what she needs to do and may end up making life more difficult in the future. I'm interested to see what people here with said experience, think.

I had typed a lot more, but I think even that is too specific. Long story short, she's married with kids who are as yet too young to communicate clearly. He's not physically violent, but on a daily basis initiates massive rows about anything he can dream of, whether it makes sense or not. They all ultimately boil down to "do as I say and don't question me".

She wants to end the relationship, but doesn't want to leave the house, and doesn't want him to have unsupervised access to the kids, at least until they're older. She doesn't believe he is competent enough to safely care for them on his own for more than an hour, if even that. Her plan is to surruptitiously record one of his typical rants/rows/bizarre declarations, and then use that as leverage to get him to voluntarily leave.

I'm concerned that by going down the blackmail route, she might actually make this worse in the long run; paint herself as the aggressor and give him more access than if she went for about it the "right" way.

I was going to advise that she go to some form of domestic violence organisation and ask for their direction. But getting her to do so might be difficult. I know the legal avenue takes time, during which he would be living in the house (he's definitely not the kind of guy who'd leave, he'd make her stick it out).

I suppose I'm not looking for legal direction here, rather examples or experiences which might illustrate why the blackmail route is not the best idea in long run. And that addressing it in the proper way, while very difficult, will get the result she wants.

Always Tired

your advice was sound, her plan is very much not so. honestly what is she thinking?

first of all, how is this aggressive man likely to react if he discovers he's being recorded (it's harder to do discreetly then you might think). Amber Heard tried it with Johnny Depp, didn't go too well. It did make him look bad but he's famous.

which leads to my second point - why would this secret recording give her any leverage? how?

my father was abusive, he wouldn't leave either. after one bad incident my mother finally just gathered up me and my two sister and left. we stayed at my aunties for a while. best thing she ever did for us.

and really that's the only way. forget recording, just get out. then get restraining order. because he won't leave, the situation will escalate. even if he does leave, he'll come back.

Mr. Incognito

Send her to a family lawyer who can advise her.

daithi7

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Send her to a family lawyer who can advise her.

Exactly, she needs good expert, professional assistance asap. Forget about recordings, or trying to be too clever, all that stuff is much meet likely to backfire. Just get the fundamental changes that need to happen right e.g. who moves out, legal filings, restraining orders of necessary, etc, etc, etc and the rest will take care of itself in time. Good luck with it and to her, it sounds like a dreadful situation for her, and her kids.

Neyite

He's abusive - verbal abuse and aggression are just as damaging as physical abuse. And if he's abusive the first thing he will do is fight her on her achilles heel - which is her children. He could easily get equal access and leave them with anyone to be looked after on his days if he can't cope.

So she needs to engage with professionals. By going to women's aid to discuss it, they can give her resources and maybe put her in touch with solicitors or social workers who can help ensure that the separation stays as calm as possible for the children. At the very least, she needs to run the idea of recording him past someone experienced in these kind of separations to see what potential fall-out might arise. It's likely that he will get some sort of access unless he has actually harmed the children, he's their dad and has entitlements. So she needs to do this properly and not engineer stunts which could backfire.

TheBoyConor

What's to stop her saying he has hit her?
She would more than likely be believed.
I'm not sure do courts look for evidence or witnesses in this sort of thing....
A visit to a gp for stress etc might help her case.

Big Bag of Chips

TheBoyConor wrote: »

What's to stop her saying he has hit her?

This is most certainly a don't.

TheBoyConor, your advice on this forum is often dubious. Now you have crossed the line into encouraging someone to make a false criminal accusation. Take a month off to consider if Personal Issues is an appropriate place for you to post. Your advice is dangerous and could make matters a whole lot worse for a vulnerable person.