Bridesmaid -wasnt asked

revoke12

Hi everyone,

firstly can i say im not a petty person, im quiet the opposite dont have a care in the world. Dont take offence to anything or take things to heart (usually)

I have a friend i met approx 6 years ago we are really close do everything together and i mean everything for the past six years.
She got engaged a while back and to be honest at the start i wasnt expect to be asked to be bridesmaid the groom has sisters that clearly i knew would have to be asked and wouldnt expect different (family always first)
But my friend said to me no friends only one allowed now she asked a girl she has been friends with for a while wouldnt of thought they were very close they went to school but were not really friends and she is maid of honour. Im a little taken back if im honest now she explained to me that she just was asking her i honestly thought his sisters would be maid of honour.
I think whats hurting me the most is that she has told me a number of people keep saying it to her that i should be bridesmaid and asking why am i not one. even the maid of honour herself asked where was i?
I know its a hard decision please dont make me out to be drama cos i am not but im am a little hurt i wasnt asked to be one. and she has a friend she doesnt do much with as maid of honour. As i say i will get over it just i cried for a few hours lastnight as im a little hurt overi it. She doesnt have many close friends either so im just a little upset over it . I was thinking does she think im not up to the job etc or something.

sillysmiles

Have you ever said anything to her about assuming his sisters would be bridesmaids? She may have heard this as you not wanting to be.

revoke12

No never had a conversation about the bridesmaids until recently when she said who she was having i know about the sisters being bridesmaids as i wouldnt think any differently but the other one friend being bridesmaid i was little upset over i thought she would keep it at the three sisters.I hope i dont sound petty and drama as im quiet the oppossite.

love_love

Speak with her about it.

I didn't ask one of my close friends to be a bridesmaid because we were purposely keeping our wedding party small and she had been a really in demand bridesmaid the year we got engaged - I didn't want her to feel under pressure and absolutely bankrupted. I felt it automatic to ask my sister and two of my other close friends. Quite quickly, I realised I probably should have asked my friend and not my sister. But once you've asked people, you can't take that back. It's the biggest piece of advice I give to newly engaged friends - by all means, pick out in your head who you want to be in your wedding party but there is no need to ask them until closer to the time. This may have been the case with your friend.

Also, I have to say, I didn't know being asked to be a bridesmaid was such a big deal to people until my friends got emosh when I asked them. So this may be a bigger deal to you than it is to your friend.

You'll end up harbouring resentment if you don't speak to her about it, so I think that's the only option here.

Addle

It's your problem OP.
Don't make it the bride-to-be's too.
I don't think you should speak to her about it.

revoke12

I wont be speaking to her about it as the day is about her and not me she has made her decision now. I wont hold it againist her either as im not like that either im not that type of person. I was just thinking does she not feel im not up to the job maybe or something. I will get over it in time just was a little upset about the whole thing. I never thought I would but i am.

Addle

Honestly, I can understand your hurt but try to think of it as a blessing in disguise!
You'll be able enjoy the events around the wedding without any responsibility.

.......

Maybe she thought youd prefer to go and enjoy the day without having a "job" to do for it?

mrbango

She probably doesn't want maid of honour hotter than her making her look in ferior in pictures. Sure isnt that what filters are for now. She can photoshop herself beautiful!

revoke12

Addle wrote: »

Honestly, I can understand your hurt but try to think of it as a blessing in disguise!
You'll be able enjoy the events around the wedding without any responsibility.

I never thought i would be ever the type of person that would be hurt over this but i am I will move on from it now thanks for yer replys

decky1

lots of decisions to be made when planning a wedding and she made the wrong one here, maybe someone else pressured her into it, some people can't say no, maybe don't fall out with her over this, i presume you are asked to the wedding? if so go and have a good time you might meet a better friend there.

Tell me how

Addle wrote:

Honestly, I can understand your hurt but try to think of it as a blessing in disguise! You'll be able enjoy the events around the wedding without any responsibility.

That's a very pessimistic view of the BM especially when the OP feels very close to the bride and would obviously like to be there to help with some of the issues that might occur.

revoke12

decky1 wrote: »

lots of decisions to be made when planning a wedding and she made the wrong one here, maybe someone else pressured her into it, some people can't say no, maybe don't fall out with her over this, i presume you are asked to the wedding? if so go and have a good time you might meet a better friend there.

oh yes i will def be going to the wedding and plan on having a great time thanks and would never or will ever fall out with her over it im not that type of person. I will move on and get over it

Addle

Tell me how wrote: »

That's a very pessimistic view of the BM especially when the OP feels very close to the bride and would obviously like to be there to help with some of the issues that might occur.

I've been a bridesmaid.
I wouldn't be in a hurry to be one again!

Tell me how

Addle wrote:

I've been a bridesmaid. I wouldn't be in a hurry to be one again!

Yep. Heard that. Particularly with some "opinionated" brides.

I've been Best Man twice. Both took from my experience of the wedding but I was glad to do it because I helped deal with several small but annoying things in lead up and on the day which helped the couple.

revoke12

Addle wrote: »

I've been a bridesmaid.
I wouldn't be in a hurry to be one again!

I have been myself bridesmaid and its a tough job
Its not the fact of being it just i find its the most special people you want beside you that day for photos lead up etc is very exciting. Im slowly getting over it now and wont hold it or ever hold it against her it was her choice and im sure she is happy with it.

Addle

One of the (many) reasons we didn't have a traditional wedding is because I wouldn't have been able choose between friends for the role of bridesmaid.
Maybe the royals have the right idea. Megan and Eugenie didn't seem to have them.

DaeryssaOne

While I don't regret my bridesmaids I do remember wishing I could have also had different friends up there with me.
I felt obligated to have friends from school who I was (and am) still close with but I rarely see in comparison to my work friends who I would be much closer to as we see each other so often and do lots together.

It's funny I've been friends with my work friends for 10 years now but they are viewed by my school friends as 'new' friends so they would have probably been quite hurt and offended if I had asked them to be BM instead.

I tried to include some of my 'more recent' friends in the day but never mentioned to them that I would have liked to have had them as BM as I think it would have been unfair on everybody.

Maybe there is a feeling of obligation here too with your friend? I know it's hurtful and while you clearly don't want to fall out over this it's possible it will stay at the back of your mind while the wedding is being planned so try to just accept that your friend is trying not to hurt you and there may be a reason you don't know about as to why you weren't asked.

Loveinapril

revoke12 wrote: »

I have been myself bridesmaid and its a tough job
Its not the fact of being it just i find its the most special people you want beside you that day for photos lead up etc is very exciting.

It is you who is deciding that her relationship with her friend isn't special though, she chose her friend for a reason. You can still be excited with her in the lead up to the wedding, you don't need to be bridesmaid for that. My bridesmaid showed little interest in anything wedding related, did not come dress shopping with me or come on my joint stag/ hen with my husband. It was my other friends and now sister in law who wanted to be involved in all those things. THATS what I will remember as special about my friendships at the time of my wedding, not "wasn't it great to have X hold my bouquet/ pay the vendors/ mind the cards".

Addle

I was told once (without asking) why I wasn't chosen to be bridesmaid, and IMO, the reason just reflected badly on the bride.
Maybe just as well if you were never considered, rather than be considered and not chosen.

revoke12

Loveinapril wrote: »

It is you who is deciding that her relationship with her friend isn't special though, she chose her friend for a reason. You can still be excited with her in the lead up to the wedding, you don't need to be bridesmaid for that. My bridesmaid showed little interest in anything wedding related, did not come dress shopping with me or come on my joint stag/ hen with my husband. It was my other friends and now sister in law who wanted to be involved in all those things. THATS what I will remember as special about my friendships at the time of my wedding, not "wasn't it great to have X hold my bouquet/ pay the vendors/ mind the cards".

Im not saying her friendship with her isnt special by no way means I understand that and im not no way resentful towards her friend either not at all thats not me or in me. i was just wondering why she was chosen only i thought she would of chose no friend as a bridesmaid and just left it at the sisters. I will get over it just it stung a little when i was told. i wont be holding it against anyone as im not that type of person

goat2

THIS BIG CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.
Bridesmaids do have to spend more money than any other of a wedding, between the hen party, going to frock finding, taking days off work, they have at the beck and call of the bride,
Consider yourself lucky

skallywag

Bridal party selection can certainly cause issues OP, you are certainly not the first to find yourself in such a position!

I have a somewhat similar story myself, a good friend got married and asked his best friend to be Best Man. The bride-to-be was not having it and insisted that the Best Man had to be related to to the groom, so his brother was drafted in instead.

revoke12

yea i dont think im the first for def alot people find the same. I never thought i would be the person to be hurt over something so small as im a carefree person but this has hit my heart alot. I found i was always the person to help with dilemmas first person she called if problems etc were happening always went places planned things etc but maybe im just not the person for the job maybe she feels which is fine i respect her decision just it hit my heart a little.Im quiet shocked at myself that im hurt over something so small in life.

Faith

Ah I feel for you, OP. I think that perhaps the best thing I could advise you is to allow yourself to feel hurt and angry for a little bit of time, but then commit to letting that hurt go and moving on. You might need a day or a week, but set yourself a deadline and after that point, put it out of your mind and be there for your friend. Your feelings are perfectly valid, but it won't do you any favours to hang on to them longterm.

I think whats hurting me the most is that she has told me a number of people keep saying it to her that i should be bridesmaid and asking why am i not one. even the maid of honour herself asked where was i?

I'm curious as to why she's telling you this without offering any kind of explanation? I think it would be perfectly fine to ask her to explain if she says something like that again. Not confrontationally, but in a "Well, I've got to be honest, I did wonder that myself at first" kind of way.

Gimme A Pound

Aw I'm so sorry to read how much this has upset you.

My oldest friend though - like, her mother was pregnant with her at my christening, that old! - didn't ask me to be bridesmaid either. She asked her sister and another friend. Even when her sister then had to forego bridesmaid duties, she asked another friend. Never me. Felt bewildered for sure, even though absolutely nothing had changed about our friendship, still great pals. In fact better friends than ever.

Later on she said in passing "I knew you wouldn't be into it" in an "Obviously you know there was no badness meant" kinda way. So maybe it's just a situation like that? That she doesn't think it'd be your cup of tea? To be fair, my friend was right even if it did cause me to be a bit miffed initially.

revoke12

Ada Square Hacksaw wrote: »

Aw I'm so sorry to read how much this has upset you.

My oldest friend though - like, her mother was pregnant with her at my christening, that old! - didn't ask me to be bridesmaid either. She asked her sister and another friend. Even when her sister then had to forego bridesmaid duties, she asked another friend. Never me. Felt bewildered for sure, even though absolutely nothing had changed about our friendship, still great pals. In fact better friends than ever.

Later on she said in passing "I knew you wouldn't be into it" in an "Obviously you know there was no badness meant" kinda way. So maybe it's just a situation like that? That she doesn't think it'd be your cup of tea? To be fair, my friend was right even if it did cause me to be a bit miffed initially.

thanks for your kind words - yes maybe thats exactly the reasons why i wasnt asked I feel so silly for being that hurt over something so small. I never in my wildest dreams thought this would be me crying over it. Im not a petty dramatic person in the slighest and most things dont bother me but this really has. I felt when she asked her friend i was ok but when i heard she was chief i was more shocked i didnt think they were that close. I thought maybe one of his sisters would of been. I need move on and get over it now And i wont ever hold a grudge towards her or her friend as they are great people and have the best intentions.

Magicmatilda

I totally get this.
Happened me when my oldest friend in the world didn't ask me. Known each other since less than a year old. We were living together prior to her moving in with the groom so its not as though we had drifted or anything. When she had a problem or dilemma, she came to me. So when she asked a school friend instead I was really hurt. I guess I thought our relationship was more special than she did. That was the only way I could rationalise it. I never said it to her. That was about 5 years ago. She even asked me to go dress shopping with her, which I did. She also invited me to the house the morning of the wedding but I didn't, as honestly, it would have hurt to much to be there, seeing her an the bridesmaid getting ready and not be part of it. I went to the wedding. I smiled and clapped and did everything I was supposed to but deep down I still felt a pang of hurt.

We are still friends and I have never spoken of it to her. But if I am honest my feelings for her have shifted ever so slightly. That is because of the fact that she clearly didn't consider me as special to her as she was to me. That's OK. I am fine with it now. People change as they get older that is just life.

Gimme A Pound

Don't feel silly Revoke - it's not that small a deal. I felt a bit hurt too and I wouldn't even be that keen on being a bridesmaid. It was the not asking rather than the not being bridesmaid that got to me. I think now though that, not just did she think I would not be into it, but also she didn't talk it through with me beforehand because she was afraid I would feel obliged to say yes.

Matilda, I hope that was the case for your friend too - that she thought it wouldn't interest you.

pleas advice

skallywag wrote: »

I have a somewhat similar story myself, a good friend got married and asked his best friend to be Best Man. The bride-to-be was not having it and insisted that the Best Man had to be related to to the groom, so his brother was drafted in instead.

I know marriage is about compromise, but I wouldn't be happy about that...

revoke12

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I totally get this.
Happened me when my oldest friend in the world didn't ask me. Known each other since less than a year old. We were living together prior to her moving in with the groom so its not as though we had drifted or anything. When she had a problem or dilemma, she came to me. So when she asked a school friend instead I was really hurt. I guess I thought our relationship was more special than she did. That was the only way I could rationalise it. I never said it to her. That was about 5 years ago. She even asked me to go dress shopping with her, which I did. She also invited me to the house the morning of the wedding but I didn't, as honestly, it would have hurt to much to be there, seeing her an the bridesmaid getting ready and not be part of it. I went to the wedding. I smiled and clapped and did everything I was supposed to but deep down I still felt a pang of hurt.

We are still friends and I have never spoken of it to her. But if I am honest my feelings for her have shifted ever so slightly. That is because of the fact that she clearly didn't consider me as special to her as she was to me. That's OK. I am fine with it now. People change as they get older that is just life.

thanks for your honest opinion im very sorry you felt this way, i am the exact same at the moment i couldnt believe i cried over this. I think she thought when she told me i would be fine as i dont give a crap about anything but unfortanely for once i felt quiet the oppossite- I felt really silly crying over something so small. I think its the fact im the same we done everything together and me not being a part of the day just hurt a little. I think she will do the same ask me go dress shopping wedding fairs etc and i will go but it will be a little strange me not being centre part with her on the day just being a normal person in the church on the day. I wont ever speak to my friend about it either its her choice, dont want her to feel bad over her own choice. She rings me and asks opinions about different stuff which is great but at the end of the day i feel like saying you should be asking your bridesmaids this not me they are the people that guide and help you along the process. petty i know but i cant help the way i feel

Limpy

You seem like a genuine person op so I hope it does not bother you to much in the end.

When you get married you can return the favor to her and atleast she will feel the same

I think weddings are over rated anyway. If two people want to get married it shouldn't be about the biggest wedding, expensive rings ect. Oh I paid this n that. Keep your money for more important things the family can do together.

pleas advice

Limpy wrote: »

You seem like a genuine person op so I hope it does not bother you to much in the end.

When you get married you can return the favor to her and atleast she will feel the same .

Ah here... OP said she *wasn't* a petty oerson

Ghekko

I never even considered my husband's sister as a bridesmaid - wouldn't ever think a grooms sisters would be in the running at all. I had one sister out of 3 and it was a case of them deciding - don't think they were fighting over the job :-) Maybe she chose the other girl as she's known her much longer, who knows. Try not to let it get to you. It's ok to feel put out though.

revoke12

Ghekko wrote: »

I never even considered my husband's sister as a bridesmaid - wouldn't ever think a grooms sisters would be in the running at all. I had one sister out of 3 and it was a case of them deciding - don't think they were fighting over the job :-) Maybe she chose the other girl as she's known her much longer, who knows. Try not to let it get to you. It's ok to feel put out though.

thank you i wont hold it againust or never will against i will get over it just still a bit raw and i feel so stupid over feeling this way over the whole thing. I will move on but was just wondering what others opinions thoughts were

DublinHun72

revoke12 wrote: »

thanks for your honest opinion im very sorry you felt this way, i am the exact same at the moment i couldnt believe i cried over this. I think she thought when she told me i would be fine as i dont give a crap about anything but unfortanely for once i felt quiet the oppossite- I felt really silly crying over something so small. I think its the fact im the same we done everything together and me not being a part of the day just hurt a little. I think she will do the same ask me go dress shopping wedding fairs etc and i will go but it will be a little strange me not being centre part with her on the day just being a normal person in the church on the day. I wont ever speak to my friend about it either its her choice, dont want her to feel bad over her own choice. She rings me and asks opinions about different stuff which is great but at the end of the day i feel like saying you should be asking your bridesmaids this not me they are the people that guide and help you along the process. petty i know but i cant help the way i feel

Just say it to her. You say you’re not being petty and I’m not having a pop at you as I get the hurt to a certain extent but internalizing you’re not good enough and crying over it without knowing why she chose this girl is just going to wreck your own head and you’ll still have no answers. She had her reasons I’m sure and if you’re such good friends she will understand why you asked her about her decision. You already sound resentful by saying you feel like telling her to ask others now on any wedding opinions so don’t let that stew or it’ll fester.

Sardonicat

Is it possible she could be fulfilling a long standing promise with the friend? Maybe they promised each other years ago to have each other as Maid of Honour? And the grooms family could have put pressure on for the sisters to be bridesmaids?

Whatever the reason, OP, I doubt it is any reflection on you or how she feels about you as a friend. You sound like a great friend to her.

love_love

DublinHun72 wrote: »

Just say it to her. You say you’re not being petty and I’m not having a pop at you as I get the hurt to a certain extent but internalizing you’re not good enough and crying over it without knowing why she chose this girl is just going to wreck your own head and you’ll still have no answers. She had her reasons I’m sure and if you’re such good friends she will understand why you asked her about her decision. You already sound resentful by saying you feel like telling her to ask others now on any wedding opinions so don’t let that stew or it’ll fester.

This is exactly why I have said to say it to the bride. It sounds like it is going to change your relationship with her if you don't discuss it. As a bride, I would be really upset at my friend if I realised years later that they secretly harboured resentment over something that I could have clarified for them if they would have only asked. Might be a controversial thing to say but a wedding day is only a day - friendships are worth far more.

splinter65

Addle wrote: »

One of the (many) reasons we didn't have a traditional wedding is because I wouldn't have been able choose between friends for the role of bridesmaid.
Maybe the royals have the right idea. Megan and Eugenie didn't seem to have them.

British Royal princesses don’t have bridesmaids but they can and do have loads of flower girls and Page boys and some of the flower “girls” are big teenagers.

Gimme A Pound

I think the fact she talks freely to the OP about her not being her bridesmaid indicates she didn't think the OP would be interested.

If there was some sort of issue going on, she wouldn't bring it up.