I like a guy at work but dont know what to do

LegacyUser

I am a regular poster but decided to go incognito for this as I am conscious it may offend some people.

I work in a small hospital and have started to like a doctor that works there. Everytime we see each other we exchange pleasantries and he gives me the biggest cutest smile. I know he likes me as we have matched on tinder and became acquainted on social media. This has been going on for a few months but even more so recently. We began messaging on tinder last week but I cut the conversation short as I didn’t want to lead him on as I am unsure what to do.

The issue well my issue is a) we work together and I have recently taken a permanent position and I am afraid it may affect work and make things awkward if it doesn’t end well. Plus (immature I know) but I hate to think or have everyone talking about it because of the second reason.
b) he is from Pakistan and is Muslim. I am a strong catholic and I am aware that this may create difficulty down the line. I have done some research about Muslim culture and from what I read the male is the dominant in the relationship and when it comes to marriage and families things can get very complicated.
I think about him a lot and enjoy going to work as I know I will always get that big smile but the factors listed above prohibit me in taking things further. I am not a racist and I am aware I may sound shallow and immature but hope you guys can understand my POV and offer some advice thank you

Unanimous

OP, I am from a country that has half muslims and half Christians and its ok to be concerned.

You are not racist. It is a concern for you because of the stereotypes of the muslims so if you go researching and trying to know other people's experience, you would most likely hear a lot of bad things that based is on other people's experience.

People with good experience usually sadly have time to come only to say negative things but those who have had bad experience would normally use the internet to let it out so I am not surprised that it could have more negative than positives.

Well as a person who has seen the good and the bad, this is my advice:

1. Not every muslim is a practicing muslim. (find out if he is)
2. Dating him will mean both of you would have to take a step back from your religions (not in bad way but you don't want him to feel like this strong catholic lady has a goal of converting him in the long run.
3. Dating him is not different from dating an Irish guy. there are guys with toxic masculinity and are not muslims...they abuse their partners physically and emotionally etc. If you were in that position what would you do? Get out..
So that applies to a muslim guy as well. His religion has nothing to do with it.
4. As regards work, you have very legit concerns as well so basically, Take it slow. Get to know what kind of guy he is, is he responsible? Does he make decisions on his own? Is he open minded about other religions and culture?

Dating anyone can be complicated so take it slow, get to know more. Life will bring up situations that would test your compatibility and only when certain things happen you would be able to make up your mind.

All the best

LegacyUser

Unanimous wrote: »

OP, I am from a country that has half muslims and half Christians and its ok to be concerned.

You are not racist. It is a concern for you because of the stereotypes of the muslims so if you go researching and trying to know other people's experience, you would most likely hear a lot of bad things that based is on other people's experience.

People with good experience usually sadly have time to come only to say negative things but those who have had bad experience would normally use the internet to let it out so I am not surprised that it could have more negative than positives.

Well as a person who has seen the good and the bad, this is my advice:

1. Not every muslim is a practicing muslim. (find out if he is)
2. Dating him will mean both of you would have to take a step back from your religions (not in bad way but you don't want him to feel like this strong catholic lady has a goal of converting him in the long run.
3. Dating him is not different from dating an Irish guy. there are guys with toxic masculinity and are not muslims...they abuse their partners physically and emotionally etc. If you were in that position what would you do? Get out..
So that applies to a muslim guy as well. His religion has nothing to do with it.
4. As regards work, you have very legit concerns as well so basically, Take it slow. Get to know what kind of guy he is, is he responsible? Does he make decisions on his own? Is he open minded about other religions and culture?

Dating anyone can be complicated so take it slow, get to know more. Life will bring up situations that would test your compatibility and only when certain things happen you would be able to make up your mind.

All the best

Yes he is a practicing muslim and yes the majority of what I read online is negative, however there are some positives too like they are loyal, family means the world to them, they are perceived to be loving husbands (well the good ones), and they dont drink. they appear to be quiet serious and take relationships/dating serious which is great compared to some of the d***s i have been with recently.

I 100% agree that both christian and muslim men can behave in similar ways and indeed some of our religious principles are similar also eg no premarital sex. I suppose the main thing for me is living in a rural area and working with traditional colleagues who would be the type to talk. I know its shallow but I have just started here and it is my first position since qualifying and I dont know if I want to have that tag on me or be looked at differently. I am also conscious if it all went t**s up his colleagues may become disrespectful as one of his friends is already quiet disrespectful to women and I can only imagine the backlash I may experience from them, again going with the stereotype that they look down on women etc.

Potatoeman

I know a girl through friends that dated a Pakistani Muslim guy for six years, living together and talked about kids. He dumped her out of the blue and went home. Two weeks later he was back in the country and he had an arranged marriage back home.

A friend of hers worked with a wife of one of his friends. So she found out what had happened. His parents had told him years previously about the marriage. He had no intention for marrying her. The wife of the friends attitude was ‘what did she expect/she shouldn’t be sleeping with guys outside of marriage’. It’s a different culture and very different values. There is a certain amount of it being ok to screw over non Muslims too.

I live in a Muslim country. Not that you would know. They are very liberal here, they practise but a bit a la carte, if ya know what I mean.

I would be wary of believing stereotypes you read on the internet. Look up Catholics & just see what stereotypes there is for that!

I would be more worried about the work situation myself, could you deal with it if it didn't work out? Could you deal with everyone else in work talking about you?
Nothing wrong with having a coffee or lunch a few times, see how it goes..

LegacyUser

bubblypop wrote: »

I live in a Muslim country. Not that you would know. They are very liberal here, they practise but a bit a la carte, if ya know what I mean.

I would be wary of believing stereotypes you read on the internet. Look up Catholics & just see what stereotypes there is for that!

I would be more worried about the work situation myself, could you deal with it if it didn't work out? Could you deal with everyone else in work talking about you?
Nothing wrong with having a coffee or lunch a few times, see how it goes..

The work thing would matter to me more being honest, our work place is in a rural town if it were in a city eg Dublin or cork I wouldn’t mind as much but everyone knows everyone in this hospital and I don’t know if I could handle the talk the looks or the awkwardness every time he enters the clinical area and I’m there.

Regarding Muslims and dating, he’s obviously not 100% strict Muslim if he’s on tinder, however do they typically date and have bfs and gfs or are they more looking for marriage and more serious?

Kidchameleon

Avoid like the plague would be my recomendation. There was a woman on this very forum a few years ago battling to see her child who was taken to a muslim country

LegacyUser

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Avoid like the plague would be my recomendation. There was a woman on this very forum a few years ago battling to see her child who was taken to a muslim country

No way! Can you remember how it went? A girl I used to work with had a baby with a man from Pakistan, I vaguely remember at the time there was some drama about how his family was demanding they both went back to have/raise the child. Needless to say they didn’t go she had the baby he stuck around for a while but now there’s no sign of him

rizdub

i think your understanding is correct in that there is no concept of dating and bfs or gfs in that culture... u hardly meet few times before marriage and everything happens after marriage..

also if he is using the T. app then he is not looking for a serious relationship and
after some time, he may probably have an arranged marriage back in his country.

i think u should have a casual chat with him as a work colleague to know about his culture and how marriages are performed over there..
also a lot depends on how long he has been living here.. if he is born and educated in west then it will very different situation..

December2012

Look the work thing is definitely a problem. The religion thing may not be.

You have worked and studied a long time to get this job.

Don't mess it up for this.

QueenRizla

bbccvv111 wrote: »

I 100% agree that both christian and muslim men can behave in similar ways and indeed some of our religious principles are similar also eg no premarital sex.

So you don’t believe in premarital sex? He is practicing Muslim, you are ‘strong’ catholic. What does that mean in terms of sex? If he is waiting until marriage, he will be marrying a Muslim. I’d say he is hardly on tinder looking for a Muslim wife or someone to convert.

baby and crumble

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Avoid like the plague would be my recomendation. There was a woman on this very forum a few years ago battling to see her child who was taken to a muslim country

one woman on an internet forum a few years ago shouldn't be the basis of any decision, in all fairness.

OP, my sister-in-laws sister married a Muslim and apart from the fact they don't drink and they celebrate Islamic religious holidays as well as Christian ones there's pretty much zero difference between them. They've two kids, both work, nobody is "dominant" or whatever it's the exact same relationship as anyone else would have. Be wary of lazy stereotypes is all I'm saying.

dellas1979

Youre putting a few carts in front of the horse here. Youre not about to be married to him like.

Could you just have a coffee with him and see what he is like first of all and stop guessing?

I think its good to have a guard up (no emotional investment) until you start getting to know him and actually start dating. But all your worrying right now isnt doing anything.

LegacyUser

rizdub wrote: »

i think your understanding is correct in that there is no concept of dating and bfs or gfs in that culture... u hardly meet few times before marriage and everything happens after marriage..

also if he is using the T. app then he is not looking for a serious relationship and
after some time, he may probably have an arranged marriage back in his country.

i think u should have a casual chat with him as a work colleague to know about his culture and how marriages are performed over there..
also a lot depends on how long he has been living here.. if he is born and educated in west then it will very different situation..

I was thinking the same re tinder. And yes he was born raised and studied in Pakistan he’s only here about 2 years

LegacyUser

You all make valid points. I was thinking of chatting him a bit more see how it goes I can always use the work thing if I don’t think it’s worth the risk. He is very friendly and I do have to work with him so don’t want a negative tension to build either

rizdub

Bbccvv111 wrote: »

I was thinking the same re t. And yes he was born raised and studied in Pa he’s only here about 2 years

just 2 years away from his home means he is still in the first stage of career where good earning young professionals have fun as there are no responsibilities and good disposable income..
i will say, he is not looking for serious relationship unless he is willing to introduce his GF to his family as partner !!

Ursus Horribilis

Bbccvv111 wrote: »

I was thinking the same re tinder. And yes he was born raised and studied in Pakistan he’s only here about 2 years

The Tinder thing may or may not mean anything. Some of these guys like to enjoy sowing their wild oats and breaking just about all the rules of their religion when they're young. Then when the time comes to marry, all that goes out the window. Whether this guy falls into that category or not, I have no idea.

LegacyUser

Need advice again guys. He has since messaged me on Facebook and I have been replying albeit short closed responses. He seems like a nice guy and I do enjoy talking to him but I have decided not to peruse in light of work my job means too much and I don’t want that air/feeling and I don’t want to be talked about it’s not worth it.

My issue now lies in how can I back out of this in a mature dignified way? I haven’t responded to his last message and I know I’m a b***h but I’m not going to either. But how do I act now at work? And how can I let him down even though he hasn’t initiated anything? We are only talking about work mainly. I know this may sound very childish but I have never had a situation like this before

QueenRizla

You are way overthinking this. Just let it fizzle out, halt the responses on Facebook. Be friendly but distant and professional, he’ll get the message. You don’t owe him a thing. You are not being a bitch, you don’t want anything romantic and he hasn’t initiated anything. This is nothing, anon-story, don’t build it up in your head. Put your focus elsewhere, forget about it.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, I think you're overthinking this a bit. Nothing has ever happened with this guy yet and you have yourself tied up in knots about a potential 'what if?' situation.
You say you've definitely decided now that you don't want anything to happen, and that's fine too, but if something DID happen it doesn't mean it's going to be a lifelong commitment.

From a personal point of view, my friend's husband is Muslim, from Pakistan originally but in Ireland about 15 years. She met him here about 10 years ago. She didn't convert. You don't HAVE to. That's not a given. She has been to Pakistan a few times and met his family. He had told them about her beforehand and they were fine when they met her. She said they were very nice and had no objections to her, and his parents are elderly, in their 80s. Her husband is the youngest of 12. The only awkward bit over there was the language barrier as she only speaks a small bit of Urdu and his parents don't speak any English.

Many Muslims do drink by the way. He definitely does, but wouldn't do it when he visits back home.

Maybe just relax about the whole situation and see what happens?

Dj Stiggie

There's a lot of annecdotal talk about people from Muslim countries in this thread so I'm going to weigh in a bit with experiences. OP I understand why you're concerned but at the end of the day, people everywhere are largely the same. There's good people and bad people.

I've dated two Muslim women, one in Ireland from Morocco who had very liberal parents, and one in Denmark, who had strict Pakistani parents. She was born in Denmark but very religious. But she still drank and had been married to a white Danish man who her parents really liked. He was 'Danish Protestant', which is pretty much like a modern Irish Catholic.

I also once worked in a bar in Iceland, and I hired an Iranian guy who had never been in a bar before after he poured a perfect pint of Guinness and told an English regular to shut up when he was being racist. He would also identify as Muslim, but he had a very liberal outlook on life, believed in women's rights and once he got over the initial shock of how liberal Iceland is, he had a ball at Pride. He now lives in the States, has a PhD and doesn't plan to go home.

My point is, if you're to go by this thread, at least two of the people I just mentioned could just vanish in the morning and leave you high and dry. You need to assess what he's like as a person, not as a Muslim/Pakistani, etc. Why don't you meet him casually a couple of times for a coffee or lunch or a pint and find out what he's like? I could be wrong but it sounds like you're at a point in your life where you would like to find someone to start a life with so you're not looking for time wasters. If you met an Irish guy you'd probably point that out to him too, right?

As for the career aspect, that's a bit trickier. People meet at work all the time, but I do understand your predicament. Thread carefully at the start and takes things casually and slowly. Also, look up some positive things about Pakistan. There are beautiful aspects to the country. In my experience, many people talks about the negatives of a country without meaning to and that puts people on the defensive, whereas starting with a positive can lead them to talking about their culture and country as a whole. Think, 'Oh you're Irish? I learned about the Troubles from a film I saw' vs. 'Oh I hear the west coast is a beautiful place'.

I could just be talking a load of shïte though.

Emme

Bbccvv111 wrote: »

Need advice again guys. He has since messaged me on Facebook and I have been replying albeit short closed responses. He seems like a nice guy and I do enjoy talking to him but I have decided not to peruse in light of work my job means too much and I don’t want that air/feeling and I don’t want to be talked about it’s not worth it.

My issue now lies in how can I back out of this in a mature dignified way? I haven’t responded to his last message and I know I’m a b***h but I’m not going to either. But how do I act now at work? And how can I let him down even though he hasn’t initiated anything? We are only talking about work mainly. I know this may sound very childish but I have never had a situation like this before

OP I was going to advise you not to pursue a relationship with this guy for professional reasons. You work together. A relationship could make it awkward working together even if you don't work directly together. I worked in a small hospital years ago and the one I worked in was a hotbed of gossip and nothing was secret. If you dated this guy it would make things awkward. Keep it professional.

Keep your replies on FB very general and work related. If he tries to take it further just say you would rather not date somebody you work with. He will probably respect that.

Some guys from countries like Pakistan and India casually date local women if they are working abroad but they often have an arranged marriage lined up in the country at home. This can apply to Muslims and also Hindus. There's nothing wrong with that. People from Pakistan and India can be very kind and hospitable but at the end of the day some of them have very strong family values which can include arranged marriages. Working in a country like Ireland can be the first taste of freedom they get but that is often temporary.

Your colleague is on Tinder which some people use for casual dating. Let him date casually ouside of work if that's what he wants but you keep it professional with him.

If you are a devout Catholic and he is Muslim that would make a relationship difficult. In practical terms you would be better off looking for a Catholic guy who shares your values.

Green&Red

<SNIP>

OP, if you like the lad and can get over the work thing then go on a date, ur not committing to marrying him, just getting to know him better. He’s not living in a Muslim country so he’s likely not u reasonable. If things did go further the two of you would have to be prepared for your parents reaction but that’s a conversation waaaaayyyyyy down the line

Mod note:

Green&Red, only post in a civil manner.