Helping partner with kids

LegacyUser

This is an awkward one, all opinions and advice welcome.

I’m a male in my late 30s. I live with my partner and her 3 children of whom I’m not the father, and I also have another child from a previous relationship who visits regularly overnight. Her children and mine are very close, as I am to her children. You’d never think any of us are not biological family.

My issue is my partners new job. She works 3 x 12 hours shifts a week. This is a job she really wanted, she had to retrain to get it and I helped and encouraged her. But now that she’s started, an issue has cropped up. I work some night shifts whereas she does days. The times I’m on nights, I have to stay up afterwards and drop her kids to school. Then the youngest is finished by 2pm, I collect him. He’s fed and minded until 4 until the eldest gets back, then I can go back to bed for a bit. Some days he asks for a lift to training at 6, and that means I’ve to get up and mind the kids again until she gets home. We see each other for one hour, then I’ve to go to work.

As you can guess, I’m absolutely exhausted. I don’t even get weekends off, because my own child is over and they’re an early riser.

I’ve explained the problem to my partner and she understands where I’m coming from. The problem is we live a distance away from both our families. She’s tried to book them into the local crèche and they’re full up. The kids father is beyond useless, he won’t lift a finger beyond his every second weekend access.

I just don’t know what my next move should be. Something has to give. It’s not my partners fault either so I don’t want to be too hard on her. I’m even finding it tough doing the school runs now because it’s making me miss my own child even more, when I know she’s going to her school and I can’t see her.

strandroad

Pay for a minder who also drives for a few hours each week to ferry the kids? You'll damage your health otherwise.

Lackey

Look for a local stay at home parent, who you can drop the youngest off at 8 and pick up at 4.30 when the older lad gets home, that would buy you 8 hours sleep....not ideal but better than where you are at now.

Its nice the older lad asks for lifts , shows you have a relationship there.

Shift work is ba$tard but needs must.

Your misses is only working 3 12 hours shifts what happens the other 2 days? You get a breather then?
If you cant see your daughter mid week you could skype to catch up ?

Magicmatilda

How often does this situation arise?

Could yee plan in advance a play date with the younger ones friends so they could go to the friends house until 4? Surely there is some parent who wouldn't mind watching the child the odd time.

Also the issue of missing your daughter is not really relevent to this issue. Are you suggesting you shouldn't have to bring the children to school because it causes you difficult emotions?

Neyite

A local childminder would the the obvious option I think. You need your sleep.

Addle

You are a family now, so biology doesn't come in to it.

Would you consider an au pair or a childminder who will come to your house?
The part time hours will be ideal for someone.

Steviesol

Tired and emotional wrote: »

As you can guess, I’m absolutely exhausted. I don’t even get weekends off, because my own child is over and they’re an early riser.

.

Sorry , but you lost all smypathy with this statement . You are a parent , that's what we do. There are no days off. Ever.

Never the less, I hope it works out .

ElizaBennett

[Sorry , but you lost all smypathy with this statement . You are a parent , that's what we do. There are no days off. Ever.

Never the less, I hope it works out .[/quote]

That's very harsh. Young children wake up early. Doesn't mean we have to like it! Or not wish we could have a lie in. I hated the early rising years. Doesn't mean I don't love my kids . He's human fgs..

osarusan

Steviesol wrote: »

Sorry , but you lost all smypathy with this statement .

Eh...not from me any way.


Everybody needs a break now and then. The problem here is that the way the schedules align (or don't align), it's very difficult to get that break.


As has been said, getting somebody to come to your house to look after them for a few hours a couple of days a week might be the best bet.

Neyite

Steviesol wrote: »

Sorry , but you lost all smypathy with this statement . You are a parent , that's what we do. There are no days off. Ever.

Never the less, I hope it works out .

But it's not about time off for the OP, its about sleep.

He was making the point that even at weekends he can't catch up on sleep as his child is there and naturally he wants to spend time with her and have some semblance of family time.

From what the OP says, the nights that he comes off nightshift (usually around maybe 6/7am) he does the morning school run. Gets maybe a bit of sleep between 10 and 1.30, then has to go collect the youngest at 2pm, then 3pm for the others, then has other commitments at 4pm or 6pm before going to work.

I don't know anyone who could survive on 3.5 hrs sleep several days in a row, and he needs to fix the situation. I think a local childminder might be the best solution. If OP gets someone willing to do the school pickups' and a few hours afterschool care until 5 or 6pm then it gives the OP a decent stretch of sleep.

Flippyfloppy

Maybe change your perspective a little and imagine if all four kids were your biological kids. Would the issue remain the same?

It seems that prior to your partner retraining that maybe neither of you considered the logistics of it. One person working 12 hour shifts and another doing nights along with four children is bound to be tough. Forgetting about the fact that the kids who need minding aren’t ‘yours’ the fact is these duties need to be done. Whether it’s through a Childminder or by collaborating your schedules so that pick ups and drop offs could be more harmonious? With shift work that will be difficult, so a Childminder or afterschool service would probably work out best.

Have you spoke to your partner? If you still need to, maybe don’t go down the ‘your kids/my kid’ route.

.......

Im failing to see how the biological relationships between the various parties are relevant here?

Either youre a family or you are not?

Why did your partner take a job that meant you would get no sleep?

LegacyUser

....... wrote: »

Im failing to see how the biological relationships between the various parties are relevant here?

+1 The connection of everyone to each other is not relevant here unless you suggest not helping with her kids cus they aren't biologically yours? You are facing an issue many families face when both parents work and the kids school hours don't match. At least your partner is currently only working 3 shifts and not all week. You need to plan and communicate with each other for the days you are both working regardless that you are working different times, you need sleep or you are putting your health at risk and also risking at accident driving tired.

Consider a child minder or talk to other parents and see if you can do a car pool set up where you collect kids the days you aren't working in return for another parent collecting on the days you are. Same for the training, he can't be the only kid going.