Now ye're talking - to a Helpline Volunteer

Boards.ie: Mark

Our next guest is a helpline volunteer. They answer calls to people who are distressed, need emotional support or just someone to talk to - people in many emotional states.

If you are experiencing tough times, we would recommend speaking to someone. We have a list of organisations with people trained to help you in difficult times here: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293

If you have any questions for a helpline volunteer, please ask them below.

Redser87

Fair play to you for doing this kind of voluntary work OP, it is so important.
How do you leave the work at the door when you leave, do you have a routine?
Have you ever recognised a voice at the other end of the line, e.g. a neighbour or colleague? What would you do if that happened?

super_furry

What kind of training and/or qualifications do you need?

Cockadoodledoo

Do you get many prank phone calls? Do you have to continue even if you know it’s a prank?

Gwen Cooper

Hi there,

Thank you for doing this. I just want to say how much I admire people who are on these helplines. I had a mental breakdown when I was 18, alone in the middle of nowhere, with no way of getting to the hospital. I was ready to kill myself. I rang a helpline and spoke to a lovely lady for over an hour. She saved my life, just by talking to me, listening to me, acknowledging that my problems are real and legitimate. She talked me into getting help. She talked to me when nobody else would. I don't know if I would still be here if it weren't for her and the helpline. I don't even know her name.

On behalf of anyone who ever needed to dial that number, THANK YOU. You're so massively important in this day and age and I will never stop being grateful for having access to this service in the middle of the night 12 years ago when I decided that I don't want to exist anymore.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Redser87 wrote: »

Fair play to you for doing this kind of voluntary work OP, it is so important.
How do you leave the work at the door when you leave, do you have a routine?
Have you ever recognised a voice at the other end of the line, e.g. a neighbour or colleague? What would you do if that happened?

Leaving the work at the door is extremely important for our mental health. Volunteers support each other emotionally from difficult interactions with service users. I guess everyone is different, but I just give myself time to absorb the upset. I don’t try to ignore my feelings, and if I need a cry or some time out after an interaction, then I allow myself that. If I neglect to take care for myself I do expect to burn out quicker. What I think could be worse than burning out is stop caring about the service users and what they are feeling in that moment.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

super_furry wrote: »

What kind of training and/or qualifications do you need?

I can only speak about my training- which involved several hours per week over about 3 months. All training was provided by the organization itself and definitely prepared me well for the experience.

There are no qualifications needed, however each volunteer does undergo an interview process to identify suitability. What I have noticed is that many volunteers share certain values. While they come from many walks of life, they all care about the service users. They care about helping people and therefore care about their fellow volunteers as much as the service users.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Cockadoodledoo wrote: »

Do you get many prank phone calls? Do you have to continue even if you know it’s a prank?

Yes unfortunately we get a lot of prank calls. A significant portion would be sexually abusive which can really hurt the volunteers emotionally. In my experience, female volunteers get many more sexually abusive calls than male volunteers. In some organizations you do continue if you know it’s a prank while in other organizations you do not continue. To avoid anyone recognizing the organization I will decline to answer your second question.

*I should clarify prank calls are people who call us names or try to abuse the service we offer. 'Prank calls' does not include calls from people who think their problems are 'not that bad' or 'not important enough'. If you feel you need emotional support from lowliness/suicidal thoughts etc. please call!

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Gwen Cooper wrote: »

Hi there,

Thank you for doing this. I just want to say how much I admire people who are on these helplines. I had a mental breakdown when I was 18, alone in the middle of nowhere, with no way of getting to the hospital. I was ready to kill myself. I rang a helpline and spoke to a lovely lady for over an hour. She saved my life, just by talking to me, listening to me, acknowledging that my problems are real and legitimate. She talked me into getting help. She talked to me when nobody else would. I don't know if I would still be here if it weren't for her and the helpline. I don't even know her name.

On behalf of anyone who ever needed to dial that number, THANK YOU. You're so massively important in this day and age and I will never stop being grateful for having access to this service in the middle of the night 12 years ago when I decided that I don't want to exist anymore.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

That is such a lovely message for you to take the time to write. I’m sorry you have experienced such a difficult time. Your story is not uncommon- we talk with many people who are in a situation where just talking helps. Unfortunately it doesn’t help everyone every time- but it can change a lot when it does help.

I am so glad you could reach out in the middle of the night and talk with someone when you needed it most.

I can’t speak on behalf of the lady you talked with but I would not be surprised in the least if she remembers you too. I am sure she was so glad you called.

Several of our volunteers (like me) have used the service in the past. If you ever would like to know more about volunteering I would encourage you to reach out to the organizations in Mark’s original post.

Sabre0001

Thank you for doing this AMA and for the service you provide.

You mentioned people ringing up with problems that they feel aren't that bad. Do you get many of these types of calls? Is it just someone looking for an outlet to vent or how do you help them?

Have you noticed an increase in people availing of helpline services as mental health started getting talked about more?

How long have you been a volunteer? And did you have a realisation that you were bottling it up / dwelling on an interaction with someone or was it very clear from the off that you should let it out to take care of yourself and avoid burning out?

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Sabre0001 wrote: »

You mentioned people ringing up with problems that they feel aren't that bad. Do you get many of these types of calls? Is it just someone looking for an outlet to vent or how do you help them?

I get a lot of calls where people say something like "I'm sure there are people out there with worse problems" or "I'm sure you have someone worse off to be talking to" or variants thereof. I obviously make it clear I am happy they called, and try to make clear that getting emotional support before an issue gets much bigger hopefully means the issue is dealt with earlier. Regardless how big an issue looks, people still suffer. If people are suffering, they are entitled to support with that. Hopefully the support they receive from us works for them.

Sabre0001 wrote: »

Have you noticed an increase in people availing of helpline services as mental health started getting talked about more?

I can't say I have noticed a specific change. I expect calls to mental health services in Ireland have increased, but that may be due to increased volunteers, increased outreach etc. I will say we have a long way to go before mental health is taken seriously. I often hear volunteer helplines are used by public health officials to provide support to their patients outside normal business hours. Mental health support needs to be available 24/7, just like physical health. Until that happens people's mental health issues won't be triaged correctly and people experiencing emergencies will continue to experience setbacks in their efforts to manage and sometimes recover their mental health.

Sabre0001 wrote: »

How long have you been a volunteer? And did you have a realisation that you were bottling it up / dwelling on an interaction with someone or was it very clear from the off that you should let it out to take care of yourself and avoid burning out?

I have been volunteering between 2-5 years. I never felt I bottle things up, however I have had situations where I felt overwhelmed with emotion over a call. this usually hit several hours after talking with that person. That situation would leave me in tears and require some quiet time. A situation like that would usually arise pretty quickly after starting to volunteer so you learn coping mechanisms pretty quickly. And if you don't- the volunteer organisation should help you to!

Nokia6230i

Are the shifts day time and night time (not trying to identify who you volunteer with)?

Do you get similar calls across both shifts if so?

shellycub

Hi, well done on doing what you do. It must be hard but I'm sure it makes a huge difference to so many people.

Do you have rules to follow regardimg what you can and can't ask? If someone rings you as a result of them being in an abusive environment can you ask them questions to try to help them or do you have to stay neutral? Do people ever get back in touch to say thanks?

mistersifter

Hi OP, well done on giving up your time to do this important job. A couple of questions.

Why did you start doing this work? Is it related to something you studied, for example?

What is your procedure if someone is in serious trouble and says they're going to take their own life? What way does your training teach you to respond somebody in really serious danger?

Then, at what point can you call emergency services or other third parties to intervene in some way (presuming you know enough about the caller to do so) i.e. at what point does the person's right to privacy get left aside to protect their own safety and the safety of others?

thanks

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Nokia6230i wrote: »

Are the shifts day time and night time (not trying to identify who you volunteer with)?

Do you get similar calls across both shifts if so?

Like some of the other helplines our service is 24/7 so there are shifts spread across all times. You definitely get different calls depending on the time. In the middle of the night you are going to get people who can't sleep. I mean- if you are anxious or upset who can you call at 4am in the morning? In the middle of the night you get people who can be coming down from certain substances, people who are contemplating suicide because they can't face the next day, people who are taking stock of their lives and wondering where to go from here. I find there is definitely less prank calling at that time, and people are more willing to be vulnerable.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

shellycub wrote: »

Do you have rules to follow regardimg what you can and can't ask? If someone rings you as a result of them being in an abusive environment can you ask them questions to try to help them or do you have to stay neutral? Do people ever get back in touch to say thanks?

I guess we would be as neutral as non-judgemental listening would allow us. Many people in abusive situations would say they need to leave or change, and we could explore options for change with them. We can always encourage people to act in a way they think is beast for them, but we never judge what is best for them.
The exception to that is where we are bound by law to pass on information. If we think there is a risk to a child and we have information TUSLA can use to identify the child(ren) then we may pass it on. Not passing it on can make us individually liable of a criminal act under Children First Act (a legal obligation priests are also subject to).
We do get letters and words of thanks regularly. Some people would call us to tell us good news or how well they have been doing recently (if they had called previously feeling down). Those contacts are always appreciated, and sometimes by the end of a call someone feels better and says so.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

mistersifter wrote: »

Why did you start doing this work? Is it related to something you studied, for example?

I started volunteering between 2 and 5 years ago and am still active. It is completely unrelated to what I studied. For most volunteers it is not related to what they work/study at. There are also many volunteers involved in the social care and psychology industries.

mistersifter wrote: »

What is your procedure if someone is in serious trouble and says they're going to take their own life? What way does your training teach you to respond somebody in really serious danger?

We are limited by what the caller would like of us. If they share their address and ask us to call an ambulance then we may do that, If they are going to take their own life and want us to remain on the phone with them while they do that then we will stay on the phone with them. We hope they choose not to take their life, but if they make that choice then we will respect it if legally possible (see piece about Children First Act above).

mistersifter wrote: »

Then, at what point can you call emergency services or other third parties to intervene in some way (presuming you know enough about the caller to do so) i.e. at what point does the person's right to privacy get left aside to protect their own safety and the safety of others?
thanks

Assuming we have the information, and the caller is an adult, we would likely call an ambulance in most circumstances. In the few situations where a caller wants to take their own life with us on the phone then they would likely be careful enough not to reveal their location.

myshirt

Is it true that if one of your helpline colleagues tries to ring in sick, there is a policy of trying to talk them out of it?

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

myshirt wrote: »

Is it true that if one of your helpline colleagues tries to ring in sick, there is a policy of trying to talk them out of it?

Haha! We just forward all calls to their mobile:)

myshirt

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

Haha! We just forward all calls to their mobile:)

That's a great idea.

On a serious note, I commend you for your voluntary work and in helping people out. It makes a serious impact for people in need.

funkey_monkey

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

mistersifter wrote: »

Why did you start doing this work? Is it related to something you studied, for example?

I started volunteering between 2 and 5 years ago and am still active. It is completely unrelated to what I studied. For most volunteers it is not related to what they work/study at. There are also many volunteers involved in the social care and psychology industries.

mistersifter wrote: »

What is your procedure if someone is in serious trouble and says they're going to take their own life? What way does your training teach you to respond somebody in really serious danger?

We are limited by what the caller would like of us. If they share their address and ask us to call an ambulance then we may do that, If they are going to take their own life and want us to remain on the phone with them while they do that then we will stay on the phone with them. We hope they choose not to take their life, but if they make that choice then we will respect it if legally possible (see piece about Children First Act above).

mistersifter wrote: »

Then, at what point can you call emergency services or other third parties to intervene in some way (presuming you know enough about the caller to do so) i.e. at what point does the person's right to privacy get left aside to protect their own safety and the safety of others?
thanks

Assuming we have the information, and the caller is an adult, we would likely call an ambulance in most circumstances. In the few situations where a caller wants to take their own life with us on the phone then they would likely be careful enough not to reveal their location.

Woah! That is intense. Have you ever been in this situation?

It is a brilliant thing you are doing and I commend you all for doing it. What was the moment that prompted you to do this?

Genuinely don't know how you do it. I'd be messed up after one evening.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

funkey_monkey wrote: »

Woah! That is intense. Have you ever been in this situation?

I have never been in the situation where I had information while a person took their own life. Nor have I ever called an ambulance on anyone.

I have been in a few situations (2 or 3) where someone was taking their own life on the call. I wouldn't talk them out of it. I always remember thinking to myself "if this was my brother/sister then I would not want them to be alone in this situation". I can't imagine how scary it must be to take ones life after being in so mcuh pain. I would prefer they were not alone at that moment.

Surprisingly, I never felt like I was powerless or not doing "all I can" by not convincing them to stop or get help. Those people are often at the end of their rope (bad pun- sorry). I did feel I was doing something by providing company. Obviously I wished it wouldn't happen, but suicide will always happen. Providing company is the humane thing to do. Everyone I have ever talked to deserved humanity in their final moments.

funkey_monkey wrote: »

It is a brilliant thing you are doing and I commend you all for doing it.

Thanks for your support!

funkey_monkey wrote: »

What was the moment that prompted you to do this?

I always wanted to volunteer in a committed ongoing basis. I was licky enough to receive some nonjudgemental listening in a moment I needed it, so I knew the power of it. Once I got to know the organization and their approach to suicide and emotional support I believed fully in their mission and am quite proud of the work they do, and the opportunity they have given me.

Gangu

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

I

I have been in a few situations (2 or 3) where someone was taking their own life on the call. I wouldn't talk them out of it. I always remember thinking to myself "if this was my brother/sister then I would not want them to be alone in this situation". I can't imagine how scary it must be to take ones life after being in so mcuh pain. I would prefer they were not alone at that moment.

Great you are with them but that you would not try to talk them out of it????😟

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Gangu wrote: »

Great you are with them but that you would not try to talk them out of it????��

I understand that sentiment entirely. I think there is a place and a time for an approach like that.

Allow me to outline a call: You are talking with someone you don't know. They are in pain. Getting out of bed is a struggle and taking a shower is a mountain they can't climb right now. Existance itself is painful for them, and has been for the past 5 years. They have engaged with mental health services which has not changed how they feel.

You could either:
1. Tell them they have so much to live for, tell them things will get better, tell them what they feel is not as bad as other who manage to continue living.

2. Emphatize with their feelings. Try to understand the pain they are in and tell them that whatever they choose to do you will support their decision and stay with them for comfort.

I believe option 2 will work over all on average, because if people only hear judgements from you in their moment of need- they won't call. People don't call to be told what to do and judged. They call to be listened to and supported. The people I talked with are more than capable of judging themselves (unfortunately). They don't need me to do that for them.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

Gloomtastic!

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

I understand that sentiment entirely. I think there is a place and a time for an approach like that.

Allow me to outline a call: You are talking with someone you don't know. They are in pain. Getting out of bed is a struggle and taking a shower is a mountain they can't climb right now. Existance itself is painful for them, and has been for the past 5 years. They have engaged with mental health services which has not changed how they feel.

You could either:
1. Tell them they have so much to live for, tell them things will get better, tell them what they feel is not as bad as other who manage to continue living.

2. Emphatize with their feelings. Try to understand the pain they are in and tell them that whatever they choose to do you will support their decision and stay with them for comfort.

I believe option 2 will work over all on average, because if people only hear judgements from you in their moment of need- they won't call. People don't call to be told what to do and judged. They call to be listened to and supported. The people I talked with are more than capable of judging themselves (unfortunately). They don't need me to do that for them.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

What a wonderful thing to do, well done. Because women are generally empathisers and men are fixers, are there mostly women volunteers?

Purgative

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

Allow me to outline a call: You are talking with someone you don't know. They are in pain. Getting out of bed is a struggle and taking a shower is a mountain they can't climb right now. Existance itself is painful for them, and has been for the past 5 years. They have engaged with mental health services which has not changed how they feel.

You could either:
1. Tell them they have so much to live for, tell them things will get better, tell them what they feel is not as bad as other who manage to continue living.

2. Emphatize with their feelings. Try to understand the pain they are in and tell them that whatever they choose to do you will support their decision and stay with them for comfort.

I believe option 2 will work over all on average, because if people only hear judgements from you in their moment of need- they won't call. People don't call to be told what to do and judged. They call to be listened to and supported. The people I talked with are more than capable of judging themselves (unfortunately). They don't need me to do that for them.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

Hi and thanks for doing this.


I probably would not be a great volunteer. You see whilst I certainly believe in a person's right to life, I also believe in a person's right to a death of their choosing.


Maybe as we seem to be on a referendum roll, that will be the next one.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

What a wonderful thing to do, well done. Because women are generally empathisers and men are fixers, are there mostly women volunteers?

As far as I can tell, it is 50/50. Feeling empathy may come more naturally to some people but displaying empathy it is a skill you can learn.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Purgative wrote: »

I probably would not be a great volunteer. You see whilst I certainly believe in a person's right to life, I also believe in a person's right to a death of their choosing.

It sounds like we agree on one point. I believe a person can choose their own death and if they choose to take their own life I will support their right to make a decision like that.

I don't think believing the above disqualifies you from being a great volunteer. I think the opposite is true.

Kuva

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

I understand that sentiment entirely. I think there is a place and a time for an approach like that.

Allow me to outline a call: You are talking with someone you don't know. They are in pain. Getting out of bed is a struggle and taking a shower is a mountain they can't climb right now. Existance itself is painful for them, and has been for the past 5 years. They have engaged with mental health services which has not changed how they feel.

You could either:
1. Tell them they have so much to live for, tell them things will get better, tell them what they feel is not as bad as other who manage to continue living.

2. Emphatize with their feelings. Try to understand the pain they are in and tell them that whatever they choose to do you will support their decision and stay with them for comfort.

I believe option 2 will work over all on average, because if people only hear judgements from you in their moment of need- they won't call. People don't call to be told what to do and judged. They call to be listened to and supported. The people I talked with are more than capable of judging themselves (unfortunately). They don't need me to do that for them.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

Do you jump straight to 2?

Could be the last push they need to go through with it?

Tell me how

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

I understand that sentiment entirely. I think there is a place and a time for an approach like that.

Allow me to outline a call: You are talking with someone you don't know. They are in pain. Getting out of bed is a struggle and taking a shower is a mountain they can't climb right now. Existance itself is painful for them, and has been for the past 5 years. They have engaged with mental health services which has not changed how they feel.

You could either:
1. Tell them they have so much to live for, tell them things will get better, tell them what they feel is not as bad as other who manage to continue living.

2. Emphatize with their feelings. Try to understand the pain they are in and tell them that whatever they choose to do you will support their decision and stay with them for comfort.

I believe option 2 will work over all on average, because if people only hear judgements from you in their moment of need- they won't call. People don't call to be told what to do and judged. They call to be listened to and supported. The people I talked with are more than capable of judging themselves (unfortunately). They don't need me to do that for them.

I would be interested to hear your thoughts.

I must admit OP, I'm a bit disconcerted by this.
I too would like to believe that people can control the end of their life, such as the dignitas model (and I do have some reservations about that), but, I understand that most who take their life via suicide, and certainly those who had used a support helpline do so as a consequence of despair, loneliness and fear as opposed to a genuine desire to die as the natural end of their life approaches anyway.

Are the steps you outlined above the by the book approach of the organisation you work for.

Could this mean that some working there might not see their role as helping someone to not commit suicide, and, perish the thought, that it is open to some actively encouraging such action?

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Kuva wrote: »

Do you jump straight to 2?

Could be the last push they need to go through with it?

The problem I have with #1 is that it is judgmental. Who am I to tell anyone their pain is bearable or whatever they are experiencing is not 'bad' enough to contemplate suicide.

I no way would anything we say to people be considered 'pushing' them into suicide. The organisation aims to reduce suicide. If someone were to come to us contemplating suicide but wanting help, we would explore all their options with them and support whatever choice of help they wanted. We would support them every step of the way however we could.

That said, some people do not want help. Some people have tried for years to get help and it hasn't worked for them. Some people speak of peace and relief the day they decide to take their own life. We will not withdraw support when they make that choice, leaving them to face their last moments (sometimes) scared and (sometimes) ashamed.

Caring for people involving respecting choices they make and not punishing them when they make a choice you wish they hadn't.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Tell me how wrote: »

I must admit OP, I'm a bit disconcerted by this.
I too would like to believe that people can control the end of their life, such as the dignitas model (and I do have some reservations about that), but, I understand that most who take their life via suicide, and certainly those who had used a support helpline do so as a consequence of despair, loneliness and fear as opposed to a genuine desire to die as the natural end of their life approaches anyway.

Are the steps you outlined above the by the book approach of the organisation you work for.

That is a really good question to pose Tell me how- thanks!

99.9% of the work we do is supporting people who want to live happier lives. Someone contacts us and says they are suicidal and wants to live? We help them explore their options and encourage the course of action they think is best for themselves. We would never judge the actions or feelings of someone and try to respect their choices.

If someone were to decide to take their own life, we cannot in any way take away the respect we have given their choices. We cannot say "we respect your choice, unless it's suicide". That sounds like a great way to ensure no one reaches out to us when suicidal, for fear of being judged and feeling more shame, embarrassment and uselessness than before.

Everything I have written is paraphrasing how the organization approaches suicide in my own words.

Tell me how wrote: »

Could this mean that some working there might not see their role as helping someone to not commit suicide, and, perish the thought, that it is open to some actively encouraging such action?

In my years in the organisation I have never seen anyone feel anything but compassion and care for everyone who contemplates suicide. I have never seen anyone speak encouragingly about suicide with a service user or with other volunteers. Suicide is never encouraged. It is discussed, but never encouraged.

The thing is though that a person may be reaching out to you hoping to hear "please don't do this". I do think that there are those who have given up on life and no amount of support and treatment will change that. However it can be next to impossible to distinguish between that person and the one who wants to live but is also desperate and hopeless. So surely our first line of help is always to help them live.

Being able to support and offer hope to a suicidal person doesn't need to be about judgement. Instead of there only being two options in the example you gave OP what about a third one?

"Tell me about yourself"
"Who is in your life"
"Do you have a mam and dad"
"What's your favourite music"

Lookit it's very difficult work you do and even the above might not be appropriate depending on the person's state of mind. Just try to encourage them to live first before accepting they want to die.

manonboard

Op. I just wanted to commend your ridiculously advance emotional management skills. There is some responsibility shifting occurring in some responses, but i think you sound like you really know what you are doing. When i was younger, I had to deal with some similar situations, and it was only as i gained experienced.. That i realized how little power i had to change someones mind.. that supporting them in anything they choose.. generally gave far better results in the long term. You seem to have such high levels of empathy whilst not allowing it to overwhelm you and making their needs about your feelings about it. That is a beautiful skill-set to possess. It's very inspiring to know there are people like you on the end of those helplines.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Deleted User wrote: »

The thing is though that a person may be reaching out to you hoping to hear "please don't do this". I do think that there are those who have given up on life and no amount of support and treatment will change that. However it can be next to impossible to distinguish between that person and the one who wants to live but is also desperate and hopeless. So surely our first line of help is always to help them live.

Agreed- most people reach out because they don't want to die. In my experience I do not think it is "next to impossible to distinguish between that person and the one who wants to live but is also desperate and hopeless". People have been pretty clear in identifying where they want to die in order to escape the pain and suffering they are enduring. People who have given up on life have illustrated this by not having the ability to drive to a hospital for a pill that would make everything better (if such a pill were to exist). The first line of help is always to help them live if that is what they want to do. So is every subsequent line. because as long as someone wants to live, we will support that anyway we can.

Deleted User wrote: »

Being able to support and offer hope to a suicidal person doesn't need to be about judgement. Instead of there only being two options in the example you gave OP what about a third one?

"Tell me about yourself"
"Who is in your life"
"Do you have a mam and dad"
"What's your favourite music"

Lookit it's very difficult work you do and even the above might not be appropriate depending on the person's state of mind. Just try to encourage them to live first before accepting they want to die.

I really appreciate you trying to identify non-judgmental ways of exploring a person's life. You are clearly able to empathize with someone in this position. I think your questions are valid as we would use some of them everyday on the phone. specially asking "who is in your life". We use similar wording to identify sources of support or stress that might exist around people.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

I have never identified myself as someone who has trouble communicating in writing, but after answering a few questions I feel like I may not be coming across as clearly as I would like. While our service would always be prepared to accept someone’s decision to take their own life, we do intend to support people’s choice to live. That is our mission and we try to achieve that through empowerment and caring.

Not everyone will find benefit from our service. Some people who have benefited from our service will decide to take their own lives. If they decide to take their own lives we will continue to be non-judgmental and stay on the phone with them if asked.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

manonboard wrote: »

You seem to have such high levels of empathy whilst not allowing it to overwhelm you and making their needs about your feelings about it. That is a beautiful skill-set to possess. It's very inspiring to know there are people like you on the end of those helplines.

Thanks for your kind message. The organization I volunteer with has shown me the power of giving some structure, training and tools to a group of people who have a deep well of caring. They put the service users at the center of what we do and I am lucky to have an opportunity to help someone within the environment of an organization that tries to ensure I provide the best service possible.

manonboard wrote: »

Op. I just wanted to commend your ridiculously advance emotional management skills. There is some responsibility shifting occurring in some responses, but i think you sound like you really know what you are doing.

If you feel like it, I would be interested in seeing where you identify responsibility shifting. A second pair of eyes may give me some food for thought I would be open to. No pressure!

manonboard wrote: »

When i was younger, I had to deal with some similar situations, and it was only as i gained experienced.. That i realized how little power i had to change someones mind.. that supporting them in anything they choose.. generally gave far better results in the long term.

I too was not aware of the power of non-judgmental listening until I experienced it first hand (in my case on the receiving end). The less judgmental of a person I am, the more I like myself.

shellycub

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

I have never identified myself as someone who has trouble communicating in writing, but after answering a few questions I feel like I may not be coming across as clearly as I would like. While our service would always be prepared to accept someone’s decision to take their own life, we do intend to support people’s choice to live. That is our mission and we try to achieve that through empowerment and caring.

I think you are doing a great job. It is a sensitive topic and it elicits many different emotions from different people. I cant imagine what it must be like trying to comfort people who have made a decision like that.

Gangu

Kuva wrote: »

Do you jump straight to 2?

Could be the last push they need to go through with it?

That was why I asked the question. Could someone look for reassurance that their proposed plan was the correct course.

Is the organisation that you volunteer for religious?

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Gangu wrote:

That was why I asked the question. Could someone look for reassurance that their proposed plan was the correct course.

We would not reassure someone that suicide is the only way out for them. If someone talked with is and looked for reassurance about suicide, we would explore the doubts they were feeling. Maybe they were scared they were making a wrong choice for them because they felt there was alternatives. In that case we would explore what alternatives are available.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Gangu wrote:

Is the organisation that you volunteer for religious?

The organisation is not affiliated with any religion and has volunteers from several religions that I know of. Faith is important to a lot of people who call so we respect their beliefs, and generally should never discuss our own thoughts on religion with service users.

Emme

I was in an abusive relationship at one stage and one night I rang a well-known helpline after months of emotional abuse and a bout of physical abuse. I was living with the abusive bf at the time.

The man on the helpline (he sounded like a middle-aged man) asked was I married to the man who was abusing me. I said I was not and that he was my bf.
The helpline operator then asked if I slept with my bf. I said I did, we were living together.

He then said to me that the abuse was my fault for sleeping with my bf without being married and he treated me that way because I had no respect for myself.
I was too browbeaten from the abuse to realise that the helpline operator was completely out of line and probably a pervert to boot. I should have reported him but I didn't and at that time (the mid 90s) they may not have recorded calls.

Goodness knows how many problems this man got off on and how many callers' trust he abused. That call put me into a worse hole than I was in already. If I had told him I was married he probably would have told me I was getting abused because I didn't obey my husband.

Ever since then I do not trust helplines and I would not call one. OP how are helpline operators monitored now? How are they screened? I take it the organisation can monitor calls better with technology thank goodness.

Gloomtastic!

Emme wrote: »

I was in an abusive relationship at one stage and one night I rang a well-known helpline after months of emotional abuse and a bout of physical abuse. I was living with the abusive bf at the time.

The man on the helpline (he sounded like a middle-aged man) asked was I married to the man who was abusing me. I said I was not and that he was my bf.
The helpline operator then asked if I slept with my bf. I said I did, we were living together.

He then said to me that the abuse was my fault for sleeping with my bf without being married and he treated me that way because I had no respect for myself.
I was too browbeaten from the abuse to realise that the helpline operator was completely out of line and probably a pervert to boot. I should have reported him but I didn't and at that time (the mid 90s) they may not have recorded calls.

Goodness knows how many problems this man got off on and how many callers' trust he abused. That call put me into a worse hole than I was in already. If I had told him I was married he probably would have told me I was getting abused because I didn't obey my husband.

Ever since then I do not trust helplines and I would not call one. OP how are helpline operators monitored now? How are they screened? I take it the organisation can monitor calls better with technology thank goodness.

That's just shocking.

manonboard

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA wrote: »

If you feel like it, I would be interested in seeing where you identify responsibility shifting. A second pair of eyes may give me some food for thought I would be open to. No pressure!

I miscommunication OP, I didn't mean you were shifting responsibility. I meant some of the other posters here pushing more responsibility on to you about trying to change the mind of the client of your services. I think you do an excellent job. Cheers.

(pardon delay, I dont use the site often)

Emme

OP you never commented on my helpline experience. For me that is very telling of the helpline services.

Some people benefit from helplines and I am happy for them. However it is not for me because of that experience.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Emme wrote: »

OP you never commented on my helpline experience. For me that is very telling of the helpline services.

Some people benefit from helplines and I am happy for them. However it is not for me because of that experience.

Hi Emme,

I read your post a few hours after you posted it and it affected me deeply. I intened to respond within a day or two as I felt your experience deserved some time to reflect upon. Unfortunately I got caught up in some personal issues and could only respond now.

I’m a helpline volunteer, AMA

Emme wrote: »

I was in an abusive relationship at one stage and one night I rang a well-known helpline after months of emotional abuse and a bout of physical abuse. I was living with the abusive bf at the time.

The man on the helpline (he sounded like a middle-aged man) asked was I married to the man who was abusing me. I said I was not and that he was my bf.
The helpline operator then asked if I slept with my bf. I said I did, we were living together.

He then said to me that the abuse was my fault for sleeping with my bf without being married and he treated me that way because I had no respect for myself.
I was too browbeaten from the abuse to realise that the helpline operator was completely out of line and probably a pervert to boot. I should have reported him but I didn't and at that time (the mid 90s) they may not have recorded calls.

Goodness knows how many problems this man got off on and how many callers' trust he abused. That call put me into a worse hole than I was in already. If I had told him I was married he probably would have told me I was getting abused because I didn't obey my husband.

Ever since then I do not trust helplines and I would not call one. OP how are helpline operators monitored now? How are they screened? I take it the organisation can monitor calls better with technology thank goodness.

Hi Emme,

Like Gloomtastic, I find your experience shocking. I find the actions of that volunteer disgusting and in noo way defensible. He should not have been on the phones. Any user of a helpline should not have been exposed to someone like that. Someone who would verbally abuse people in a vulnerable position (or not).

Every service that I am aware of that take complaints seriously. They often rely on users to submit complaints, or on other volunteers to raise the behaviour of people like this. Not all services record calls. I agree with you that technology can be used to monitor calls better, however how much calls are monitored varies wildly between services (as I understand).

Personally, I have reported complaints from callers about other volunteers. Each one has been reported to management. Nothing I have seen would come as close to the sickening behaviour of that volunteer. Which raises the question- are callers more likely to call back with a complaint if what they are complaining about is less "extreme" that the experience you have shared? If that is true, then maybe all helplines demonstrate they have better techniques to monitor calls than relying on service users to report it. It is certainly food for thought for me.

After your experience it is no wonder you don't trust helplines. If you do end up getting in contact with one again I hope that experience is worlds different than the one you have shared.

Thank you for sharing.

Boards.ie: Niamh

Thanks so much to everyone for your questions and to our volunteer for taking the time to answer them all. Volunteering does sound like a tough but rewarding thing to do. Maybe it'll have encouraged someone who was thinking about volunteering to go ahead and do it.
All the very best to our volunteer for future helpline volunteering.