my life passing me by in my 40s, what can I change?

mushymoo

I don't know if there is any solution but here goes....a long one.

Am mid 40s, female, single with a 14 yr old son with special needs.

I know it sounds selfish but I need to say it - I feel my own life, that is has been since I had my son, is permanently on hold. I am already aware my life was and is supposed to be about my son. It already has been. Still is.

I know I am a mother, but I feel the woman, career person, fun person, lover, girlfriend, all that side of me has been paused permanently and can't see how to tap into them now. Surely that part of a person is important also?

Circumstances: As he was born from an unplanned pregnancy, I have done it mostly alone. It was shocking, as I never thought I'd have a child but always planned on a career. Gave up my shared home with single professionals at 8mths pregnant and went on mat leave and onto benefit. Reluctantly gave up my good job in publishing/advertising (they ended my contract over the leave and though got offered job when baby came the childcare/rent costs were the same as the salary so unaffordable) and my relationship (it was on a break that my son was conceived from a 6month casual relationship to get over my longterm one, it started again when i was pregnant but he said he could not deal with a child in the mix so i ended it for the sake of the baby). I delat with the situation as it happened but it was all a big change to my previous life.

After the birth: I then moved into rented home on welfare, lone parents and minded my son on my own. Topped up rents for sev years with my savings. It also alienated my conservative family, my having a child out of weldlock, as it were, they disapproved and it affected their support as they rathered i not live with them or ask for help with childcare wehn he was a baby/toddler. I used savings to top up rent allowance and moved 3 times to afford a home while bringing my son up. it was tough seeing my hopes of buying disappear but needed somewhere to live and we managed, i got in lodger etc. at one point.

Change when school started: When school started I hoped finally to return to work so sold my car, only of one year, for childcare costs to fund childminding to retrain/upskill. It was asacrifice that i felt was short term till I started working full-time. There were no Govt schemes back then and I did a diploma to switch career into IT teaching so I could work around schooldays and holidays to reduce childcare costs (affording rents and childcare on one wage impossible even back in 2010).

His special needs finally got diagnosed after 4 yrs on public waitlists and then the cuts to special needs assts in budget meant he was excluded from school altogether. I had no choices. They could not keep him so went on another list for a special school, and I had to give up my new career, I had started 3mths in someones job. I was told I was in line for a permanaent teaching job that would give me secure pension and job but no childcare/family to mind him so reluctantly it meant I had to leave that job to stay home. I found him a school place and for 6 years he worked his way up from 2hr days to longer days and then into supported mainstream classes but it meant I had to stay home again.

Attempts at work: Three times have attempted part time working since then but each time he got too much for childminders, even afterschool care when he was 12 ended after 11wks as I tried then so that when his schoolday in secondary was going to extend the day, i felt i could work maybe M-F 9 to 3. But he is after 1st yr having had struggles and shortened days too. He has finally settled a bit into 2nd yr now, sent home every few months from school early and there are quite a lot of days off and again have no family support and no savings left to pay someone. Can I attempt working again after all these failures on my CV?

To say not working has really affected my happiness is an understatement. I have been gradually worn down parenting alone, fighting for education and welfare supports, teaching my son myself at home, dealing with meltdowns and routines and transitions and all his behaviours. We had a major housing battle 2 yrs ago when my savings and finding rented places to rent meant I was facing asking to move to a shared bedroom into my parents. It was also quite traumatic with a special needs son. I count myself lucky to be housed.

I then managed to source council housing finally and with the end of my money and the grant furnished it with appliances and furniture. I find I hide away from the area and the drug dealers and travellers and the fires in the lcoal park and manage to steer my son away from the teenage drunks/drug dealers and so on but with difficulty. Inside my door is a haven but stuck here a lot. Recently feeling low this past few weeks as at Halloween it gets quite noisy/dangerous with fires being started and a lot of trouble outside for my son to avoid. He has been more difficult in getting to come home for the past 3mths. He is vulnerable and naive and is being taken advantage of by others.

My Question: So how can I move forward for myself and happiness? I want to work or meet someone but at 44 both seem still a barrier too high to surmount as have tried both previously. But money or circumstances excluded me from both. Example: I did a few courses to upskill over the yrs, now feels like whats the point as will not get back into IT now? Rules for teaching in sec schools and colleges have changed since 2014. I now cannot affford a HDip, either financially or physically- how could I travel/commute and study, plus pay for it, and must still deal with my son's needs? I cannot muster energy other than once a week counselling and shopping in the main street as as simply worn down and tired. I take meds for various health concerns that slow me down.

Changes so far made: I recently decided to stop with special needs,housing,parenting etc. advocacy and grps and to try self care like meditating, weekly baths etc. my medical situation is complex as have gotten several conditions over the years with some meds now being adjusted for anxiety esp. I have started trying to work on my health. Its a slow change. I have a lot of weight to lose also but slowly addressing that too. Its my first priority. IfI am not well physically or mentally then things cannot improve.

I could not have a relationship now, as have tried in the past with short term dating but they must accept and fit into my priorities being with my son. that proves difficult as we would get little time on our own in a couple and in the past it has caused things to end. When he was younger, I also was fitter and more optimistic and had part time work and more to offer a partner. I now have no money, car, job etc. and am also unhealthy/unwell so I accept I need to work on myself first. I must hope if things improved with job/money that in time to meet someone as I am only mid 40s and would like to even have some love and affection not just fun but maybe a relaitonship on these terms. I do not feel marriage or other kids on the cards but would like to not feel alone.

I sometimes feel I have less to offer a partner and maybe having to stay single is my fate. I am dependent on welfare and have a rebellious anxious teen with aggressive behaviours so now is not a good time.

But when will I get the independence? Noone in the family will babysit as they all have their own families, jobs, wives, kids. Which I understand. When my son was a baby he was impossible to babysit as i had brothers no sisters. My parents did a little and now he is older my family all are married with young kids and they ask my parents to babysit too for them. my parents have finally come round to helping a bit with the odd few hours some days, when it works for them. but regular babysitting is not available only when there is a school meeting I have to attend and no overnights or nights past 11. I'd need to find paid babysitters for a date or evening class anyway, or to work evenings. Or to meet friends for dinners, a play, a film etc. My son could leave the house if a sitter was there unless they were experienced so I think paying someone is the only option really for peace of mind. He is 14 but cannot be left alone for long.

Dating is really a side issue. Could stay single if it meant i could use sitters not for dates but for doing activities out of the house some evenings, say an evening class, going to family functions, meeting ppl socially and if I had a paid job I enjoyed I would throw myself into that while still parenting my son into adulthood.

Summarising: I unfortunately feel I am a bit stuck. Things are complex. I love my son but everything about my job as a carer in the home makes me want to curl up in a ball. I am not depressed but the reality is hard to deal with the longer it goes on. I am realistic that I chose to have my son, despite the unexpectedness of his arrival (failed contraception) and I am responsible to bringing him up alone. his father left to emigrate, marry and lives abroad and skypes now once every so often but has no bond with him nor do his parents excet to criticise my choice to stay home not working, they ignore my being a carer and are refusing to acknowledge his special needs. I never had maintenance or their help with childcare to go out to work, as if finding out he had special needs was not a surprise that destroyed my hopes for a career and independence etc. I had to make a "choice" to stay home and mind him when there was no available childcare or help financially or supports from the sets of grandparents to do this.

What can I reasonably change, now, to improve my choices with these complex set of circumstances?

I have started trying to work on my health. My weight is tied into that.
I have little money but saved 1000 up and intend on using it to fund special needs assistants to do babysitting some evenings. Have answered an ad and tried a few places so far to no avail but keeping trying. Have explained family not being able. Ordinary teenagers would find minding him a challenge too far (it will cost 10 ph so if i go out for a cpl hours and need to get there/back, it costs 30-50 each time. so it is limited) I don't think currently that saving for a car is practical (the costs to tax, insure, run it will be too high regularly). Though getting a car to give me freedom and help getting to work or activities, but the meds I am on impact on my ability to focus/concentrate.
Is the money better allocated to childcare? Or a car?

I have saved for many months to do this, in a year or 18months will be forced to find work and leave my son at 16 to fend for himself. Which is the priority by then? He will not be eligible for disabled payments and I'll lose welfare other than JSA.

Decisions must be made in the next few months. I would love to be ready and prepared for this but doing a course this September became impossible, I was too tired and then called by school and to my sons appts as he started getting into scrapes and mitching off school, in trouble with the guards etc. walking out of school. i had to meet social workers, his doctor, school meetings etc.

So what practical options do you feel I have that can be a change for the better? Many thanks in advance.

mushymoo

I see how long the post is but wanted a full picture in advance to avoid long responses about what started when, where does the family fit in, how long have you been single or not working etc. I felt giving a full account of circumstances miught avoid some of those questions.

I do not get much time alone to write thoughts down despite the school day. that is why it is all in one post. I do not know ehn I will get back to check on the thread this week, as have other household chores and errands, appointments, and things to fit into the schoolday, I appreciate the time anyone takes to respond, cheers.

supersaint3

mushymoo wrote: »

I see how long the post is but wanted a full picture in advance to avoid long responses about what started when, where does the family fit in, how long have you been single or not working etc. I felt giving a full account of circumstances miught avoid some of those questions.

I do not get much time alone to write thoughts down despite the school day. that is why it is all in one post. I do not know ehn I will get back to check on the thread this week, as have other household chores and errands, appointments, and things to fit into the schoolday, I appreciate the time anyone takes to respond, cheers.

Hi mushymoo, I'm afraid I don't have any great insights for you only sympathy for your situation. I just didn't want your thread to pass without a response. I hope it all works out for you.

Regards

S

zl1whqvjs75cdy

Firstly op, absolutely fair play to you. You might not think it but your obviously an extremely strong woman and have made a great go of it in a system that is designed to make you fail. You should be proud of that.

The root cause of your issues is obviously your son's behavior currently. Is he capable of looking after himself to allow you to get out of the house?

Have your family come around a bit on the lack of help? What you really need to me is a couple of days a week where you could dedicate yourself to your career. The op is really long so just going to start there and we'll see what comes out during the thread

Daisy78

I don't have a lot of practical advice op, I'm sure that there are others who are better placed to give you direction on that score. However first off I think you ought to give yourself a huge amount of credit for taking care of your son, he is lucky to have such a selfless mother. You might not have had the career you dreamt of but you have contributed so much to your son's life, even if he is not in a position to acknowledge or thank you for it.

In terms of your son's long term needs, is it likely that he will forever be dependent on you or is there any hope that he might become at least semi independent at some stage of his life? I took from your post that he will either need full time care into adulthood, which makes life very difficult for you. Are there any support groups out there that might be able to provide you with some assistance? As in voluntary organisations? Even having an occasional afternoon off might, for now be the mental and physical break you need.

As for working, have you considered looking for jobs which require you to work from home? I know it's not what you are hoping for but it might be an opportunity to make more money, give you some much needed mental stimulation whilst been available for your son?

With the dating, well it's not easy for anyone let alone for someone who has to deal with the challenges you have but it's not an impossibility. The online world, whilst far from perfect can provide opportunities for you to "meet" and engage with others beyond your front door. And that goes for romantic and platonic relationships alike. I guess your situation is in its own way a filter, those that don't want to know will be gone like a shot but there will be others who won't be as easily put off. They are the people you need in your life.

Lastly I think that your parents could be doing a lot more than they are. In this day and age having such an attitude is shameful and regressive. Surely the well-being of their daughter and grandson should be at the forefront of their minds, not some outdated expectation of the life they think their daughter should be living.Unless they are physically not in a position to do so I would lean on them a little more.

iamwhoiam

Sorry I also have no practical advice but want to say that you sound like an amazing mum . No job is more important than raising your son and be proud of yourself for doing that .
Would your son be entitled to respite care at all ? Do you have a social worker who could guide you on how to go about that ?

Xterminator

Hi Op

My advice would be to join the special needs parents groups in your area. your situation is tough, no doubt about it. If you can get some support and friendship from people who have been in a similar situation you will get the best advice and support.

http://www.specialneedsparents.ie

link there to the website,& look at the clubs and activities. Your home is your sanctuary, but you do need outside interests too.

would you consider doing a distance learning course to give you something to do for yourself, but without all the travel & babysitting etc?

Tell me how

Hi OP.

You have had quite the workload and the impact on your own mental health must be huge. Well done on taking action to try to improve your circumstances. And for the efforts in doing what needs to be done in looking after your son.

I'm glad to see you attend counselling and I hope it is a help to you. I see you've pulled back from advocacy and support groups, I wonder why. In what way did they not work for you?

It can be daunting considering kick starting a career but could you do so in small steps, don't get caught up in long term prospects, just look at it as a way to get started. Could you identify any role/company that might suit your circumstance and skills and then approach them directly irrespective of whether they are advertising or not. If they engage, explain that you feel you can offer something to their business, even if it's just 4 hrs/day 3 days a week at the start for example. They might be glad to consider you as often companies don't hire because they're borderline on the need or, they're actually too busy to stop and think they could do with someone. If you are interested in this concept, identifying and going after the job you want, check out the book "What colour is your parachute".
I would bet some company would engage with you nearly as much as because they recognize you deserve an opportunity as a direct immediate need.

If you are on various benefits, could you talk to intreo and ask for advice on what you can do to ease you in to employment without putting too much of a burden on you or losing entitlements which you absolutely need.
There are schemes for example where long term unemployed can retain their JSA for 2 yrs (partial) while they try to start a business. That business, for example, could be a sole trader offering IT services to other small businesses at an hourly rate.

I would hope that if one thing falls in to place for you, others might follow. Hopefully a job could start and lead to friendship, support, activities and possibly maybe a relationship.

Just going back to the advocacy groups, I think if you hadn't a poor experience of them, they are worth continuing. You might hear of government supports quicker (should they emerge) or you might meet a similar person and ultimately ye can help each other out with some babysitting of each others children thus freeing up some time for each of you. At the very least, it might help to not feel isolated.
Do your family actually "know" how difficult it is for you, is there a chance that you don't really complain and so they think you're doing better than you are. Is there someone in your family who you could show the OP to?

Finally, you say that you don't often get to put things out there such as in the OP. I hope doing so here wasn't too daunting or that it just highlighted the weight of the experiences you have had. I wouldn't be surprised if you felt a bit low after having done so because it out everything in black and white but hopefully this process was therapeutic for you and that you now get some good advice.

Best of luck.

Finchie1276

Hi,
I read your post but will re- read and hopefully offer some advice. I just want to say you are amazing. Most people would have given up somewhere but I think the fact you didn't and are driven to look for advice marks you out as someone who is hugely resourceful. Don't give up.

mushymoo

Hi again

He is out so I can take a good few mins to respond to each response. Thanks to those who have replied so far. A few answers:

Leaving him alone: He is 14 but due to his conditions (ASD and ADHD) would be unsafe to leave for more than an hr to max 2 hrs alone. He would find something to do for that amt of time but recently he is more likely to leave the house and thats the difficulty. Cooking and forgetting to turn things off and being vulnerable to callers to the house are also added to the worries for +2hrs. When he was younger at 11 or 12 he could be playing his xbox for 2hrs and could run avcross to the local shop or library to drop books/read papers but that was it. Now its that he would look to leave the house or have teenagers calling to him.

Sitters: I have advertised in the past for sitters/minders and have saved some money to pay them (was earmarked for a car but as the tax/insurance/petrol/NCT etc. costs so much, seems an expense too far). So far nothing suitable has come up. I asked to meet them or them to meet my son but no replues yet but have to keep at it regualrly and try set something up. Then I maybe could source a sitter to leave the house some evenings.

My family: I am opening up, which is difficult cos it angers/upsets/stresseds them, to my own parents a little. They are more aware of the difficulty in recnet months, as my son has rung them to complain or turned up to their house when he has left my house. They also have my other siblings leaning on them with need for babysitting and one brother living back with them so their ability to help me is limited.

My brothers: I have several brothers (no sisters) but they are married with jobs and 2 kids each. Sometimes one or other has minded him for an hour or so with little to an hour or few hrs notice, or no notice, so I have gotten a relaxing bubble bath, more sleep (set the alarm and get the increasingly needed sleep undisturbed in),short walk or some uninterrupted telly. It all I can expect from them - an afternoon ro night out with a plan to do something would be preferable but I have accepted the offers that have been made rare as they are and am grateful. One brother has called to see my son and sternly tell him the rules and safety concerns. As a pre-arranged treat to reward my son for behaving for a month, he brought my son and I to Tallaght. He took the day off work, we found the place to allow my son do 3 hrs to Airsoft one weekend for a Saturday. I treated my brother and I to breakfast and got to do The Square in Tallaght for 2 hrs (which was unusual). A one off. He also has brought him for a drive for an hr or two but as there is no warning and no time of returning, one cannot plan to leave the house then but it is nice to have a quiet house to myself.

Respite: I have asked for respite to no avail, but the school guidance counselelor is asking again. I am asking the social worker again. There is a wait list I was told again and again. I have asked GP for change in meds as am veyr tired physically the past few months and sick a lot. Desepte rests and early nights and counselling and vitamins, and being mindful, I find I am to tired to even go off for a bit but try anyhow. The housework is my solace as its exercise and in the house and I am managing my physical state by taking longer to do it. I find I get dizzy and feel sedated but have been tld this will pass when the new meds have settled. Its Week 4 now.

Why I pulled back from support grps: Exhaustion. its too far away to get to them and get there via public transport and am too tired. I am tired and try to post online and read replies alright but am finding that hard too. I have asked for supports and do online support groups when I have the energy but have found it harder to keep my eyes open. I used to read and watch films a lot to relax but find it too hard to do either these past few weeks. Similarly I cannot attend support group meetings as need to get bus or train there and the hours do not fit in so well, plus am too tired. I use dot mee the mums for the odd coffee out but they are very busy and its hard to find a time that suits them with their activities/children/commitments. I keep on trying. I have posted on some groups online but am not as regularly online as am too tired to look at the computer.

I have asked ppl to call visit me in my home as that seems easier but many have partners or kids or jobs and I understand they cannot commit to a time or day as they have busy lives.

Dating: Not priority but it is in my OP. I have albeit rarely viewed online meetups and dating pages but no success in messages from those who may match up. Only from 20 year olds in other non EU countries or 55-65 year I use Mon/Tue mornings olds in the West/South of Ireland. Have searched in the 40-50, single, looking for not a hook-up, Caucasian and Chrsitian/non religious, area (close to Dublin) to no avail. As already explained, would like to talk to them as getting a sitter requires forward planning and costs and would be willing if there was a talk/pre-amble beforehand but there has not been this over the past year.

Study/work from home: Thanks again re suggestions to work/study. Again the exhaustiona and health issue there at present. As explained, the distance learning course options are very draining. Need to sit down consistently if I was working for hrs per day and am always sick/tired. 2 years back, when not as tired, I tried ECDL before but after 4 of the 7/8modules found I could not sit the exams as they were too hard to get to, in Leopardstown in an Ind. park, away from Bray, far for me without a car. I volunteered 2 afternoons pw two years ago but they stopped running classes. I treid for a part time IT trainer job with the ETB but did not get through the interview.

The main issue is my health: I simply cannot focus at the moment keeping eyes open. I do a Wed morning weekly 2 hr writing class, if that is testing how well I could do with a regualr class, then unfortunately it shows how tired I am. Still try to go but for mental health even. I took it on also last yr Sept-May and this year too, and cannot foccus to write the exercise week to week. Yet I love the writing a lot. It is not interest, its that am too tired this year. And it drains me getting to it for 2hrs on 2 buses and I missed half last week and 1 full class a fortnight ago. I fall asleep in it. I have to rest all Tue to be well enough Wed. Same Thu, spent resting at home before Fri morning getting to counselling appt which is a bus/DART trip away.

This message has taken 30 mins to type and check for spelling and clarity and am tired again today. Spent yesterday with a bubble bath and 4 hrs housework as it took all that energy beforehand and longer to do, my son left the house at 11.30 and only returned at 6.45, after many phone calls and me asking him to return for 6pm latest due to the darkness and safety pre Halloween. I brought him to his activity 6.30-8pm Friday night and it killed me, went to bed at 9pm as I did last night. Too tired to read in bed which is what I used to enjoy doing.

He kept arguing or refusing to answer the phone yesterday. I am not ringing him today as the same would just be the situation. I continue to hope he will learn to follow rules but he does not appear to learn from consequences, he refused to hand over his phone again last night and today he refused to do normal chores like his room etc. and it took over an hour of repeating instructions to get him to change his clothes, tidy his floor and wardrobe, get dirty clothes for washing. I am not buying him credit and took his xbox and laptop and they ar elocked in my room voernight and during the day. he has taken money from me when I sent him to the shop so am refusing to give him extra money until he does the bare minumum of his room, washing himself, feeding the pet etc. which he refuses to do.

I am meeting my parents who say my son arrived there in 15 mins. If there are any other suggestions? Thanks again. The Dr did not put in Fri appt in the sytem and I turned up while he was in school and it was not on the system so went up home as could not wait all day for a cancellation. And so its been put back to Thu to see how I am physically and continue to look into options medically/physically. I will check mid week here again for any other input. Appreciate it.

neonsofa

No advice to offer you op. Just wanted to wish you all the best. You deserve it x

Daisy78

Not trying to be dismissive but read back over your post and see how many times you have mentioned the word tired! This appears to be your biggest problem. Are you getting 8 hours sleep a night? I know if I don’t get that much each night (probably need closer to 9 hours) I find it difficult to face the day, both mentally and physically. If you have no energy to do even the most menial of tasks, for example contributing to an online forum then something is afoot. Have you talked to your gp about your health?

Rubberchikken

Youve a lot going on and youve been on your own looking after your son foe 14 years. Thats a lot of stress and hard work.
Any child is hard work on a single parent but add in special needs and it gets tougher.

On the babysitting point - would there be an sna in your area who could babysit/childmind occasionally. I say sna because they would have training and experience wuth children with special needs and wouldnt find it as tough as the average person can.

judeboy101

Is your son high functioning? Will he be able to live an independent lifts when he turns 18?

dellas1979

What happens/do you do when he is in school? What is his school routine?

I think its a very positive step to get your physical health a priority. And goes without saying, your mental health.

Also, I know the dad split - but does he provide you with any money? And if no, why not?

Zorya

You are a fantastic woman, really.

As others have said, the tiredness is important. It might be that you're not getting enough sleep but it might equally be all the worry and thinking that is exhausting you. In a way you might have to accept that at least for the moment life is going to continue much as is its general present pattern and therefore it would be less exhausting to surrender to that for the moment. No worrying about the future, just living every day.

Every life is valid and potentially expansive and satisfactory - other people having careers, relationships etc are not necessarily any happier than you can potentially be with some small changes in psychological approach.

I only say this because to struggle incessantly for impossible things is wearing. Your life is a good and noble life, as worthy and praiseworthy as the best of other lives.

Just two bits of "advice" - do some small nice thing for yourself every week that is uplifting and gives you energy, and try to go for a long steady walk every day. An hour at least when you can let your body walk off its tension and you can feel the elements. Good luck. You are great.

Big Bag of Chips

Your brother seems to be good. He turns up occasionally with little or no warming to take him out. Would you 'book' your brother for some night? If you even managed to have a social night out every month/6 weeks or so if would be something.

You seem very overwhelmed. And for 14 years have been carrying this alone.

Metroid diorteM

I’ve zero idea how the various state supports work but it sounds like you’re saying that when he reaches a certain age that you will lose one of the supports - but then if you lose this, would he not gain some different rights? When he gets older would he get any different support from the state?

Sorry I can’t be more helpful but I have no experience with any of this.

I think you are a great person for making it this far and I think that there can be many opportunities for love for those even older than you. Perhaps your son can make some progress in the future allowing you to rediscover your own life and love again.

There are many examples in mainstream popular culture of love amongst the young, but I think later years have much to offer even if it is not televised.

mushymoo

Yes. Trying to pin down the source if it's that 1st.

I have several med conditions it could be. Anxiety, PCOS, underactive thyroid, diabetes, obesity. It's not diabetes as bloods and glucose fine. Thyroid was checked few months ago also fine and meds being taken. Anxiety being treated and new meds. Am just trying to rule them out as the problem first.

Daisy78 wrote: »

Not trying to be dismissive but read back over your post and see how many times you have mentioned the word tired! This appears to be your biggest problem. Are you getting 8 hours sleep a night? I know if I don’t get that much each night (probably need closer to 9 hours) I find it difficult to face the day, both mentally and physically. If you have no energy to do even the most menial of tasks, for example contributing to an online forum then something is afoot. Have you talked to your gp about your health?

Bobtheman

Can I ask what you used to work at? I think you need to go somewhere with better support. You seem to have none where you are.This sounds radical but would you think of moving to the UK where you probably would get better services? Or another part of Ireland where living costs might be cheaper? Dont dismiss my ideas out of hand.

mushymoo

Thanks for all the extra answers. I am coming back once more to the thread, I am able to sit and reply to those responses/suggestions. Appreciated.

I am considering what is possible, as moving country would not be practical as they would not take a child with extra needs and a mother who has not been working. I investigated the Netherlands and the UK about 8 or so yrs ago, and the info I got was that no they would not accept us. I would need to definitely be working and living FT, with sponsor or 10k in savings to show could support myself. And refused a visa unless I had a job offer and means of support. I did consider in the years of the recession doing this as I knew it would be getting way worse. I saw that the budgets were going to be slashed in health, education, welfare etc. (I was 100% correct, as cuts in education affected him, also meant I had to give up my job, almost homeless twice, no health supports to speak of for my sons needs, longer waitlists for our health needs). A blend of various cuts in 09-12 and beyond negatively impacted the situation. Savings had run out by then too and although there are no cuts in recent budgets, the fivers here and there don't make a dent.

I stayed hoping that things might improve with my son as time passes. They have in some ways (he can now read, he can wash or feed himself though he ofdten needs reminders and supervision, clean his bottom after toileting and so on) but in other ways his anger, his strength as he gets older and my heath concerns are worse than before. I just see myself as getting older and more unwell, though at a v.slow pace. He is growing fast however!

I hired a sitter last week, they answered my ads as there was a weekend of talks on in the city centre for 3/4 days and evenings. I felt there were some chances for me to try one or even 2 evenings to go out. To listen to the talks, not go out socially but to get away and do something I really love.

He didn't come home Thu in time for my bus to get to the launch. He also did not come home Fri when tried again as had missed Thu. I prebooked it and asked him to return an hour earlier. The sitter helped go look for him both nights, she picked him up with his bike at local shopping centre a good distance away the first night. I paid her for the hour we spent looking for him. The second night the cost was 12e for that workshop, it was too late to go and so I lost out on it and that money.

I had the chance Saturday for some talks, and Sunday, so was relieved I did not miss the whole thing. My son had a class at 12, he refused to go to his activity cos he wanted to wander off and they rang me as I was on my way into the workshop to ask was the class prepaid and whether they were to insist he go. I had to take the call and disrupt the class somewhat. Still, getting out strangely has made me sad a bit, as its so rare and it was such fun. As I so enjoyed it and know it is a once in a year thing or a rare thing, it was bitterweet. Costs and getting childcare and my son's challenging for the sitter and my parents mean its not likely to work often. Esp as money will run out soon, as will their patience.

Glad to have had chance both days, though, as my parents helped Sat for the full 4 hours of a half day of talks, and begged an ex for Sunday (no choice nut did pay for this too so there was no expectations or blurring of lines).

I think he is refusing since last week to attend any activities, clubs, sports, classes unless forced to an feel what is the point, as he wants to go outside with local teenagers. I cannot battle ever night or weekend. I see he ignores consequences. He does not go if it means he cannot go off wandering on his own with the undesirables of the town. Tonight I was an hour waiting, after 7, and dinner was cold and I called him 5 times and he lied about how close he was, I went out walking to find him but he was nowhere near out house. So again he didn't bother staying with the curfew and its dangerous in our area after dark. I came back and left a cold dinner and unwashed laundry and gone upstairs. I am not bothered doing things for him when all I get is abuse and hassle, its not worth the effort and it is too much effort to go over and over rules that he breaks each time anyhow, a waste of breath.

I put the consequences on a note, and have gone off upstairs and shut the door, do not want to speak to him as he is so verbally abusive. I haven't the energy tonight to hear it. I do not want to argue, anyway he is in now and the front door is locked. I refuse to try negotiate or plead for his apology or yet again explain several more times why it is not acceptable to be an hour late and out in the dark (he also keeps his mobile in the room and is awake at night, I removed his access to wifi Thurday but he texts people). He seems to shut me out and just shouts abusively in reponse to any engagement.

I am stopping engaging in verbal communication with him.

I was an IT trainer, and would have been employable up to a few years ago but my skills are out of date now and my certification. Too tired to study. I am seeing Dr again in 2 more weeks. I am speaking to a social worker this week abut respite, again, and why it takes so long and why it is not possible to get. I am dicusssing giving him up to a foster family or the state for eesidential care, as this sort of life for him and I is no life at all. It is no use to him if we argue constantly or live in stony silence, or I have to give up any more of my health. I would be happy to get one social outing per 6 wks but my brother cannot do that, nor can my parents.

So unless the State can provide respite, which over 7 years I have asked for to various bodies, I will be forced to soon give him up in the next month or so. Even for for a few months or a year or two. The aim of this is to keep him safe, a home where someone can impose consequences and keep him safe and well, and get him to wash and eat and go to bed and come home and so on. I am not able to guarantee his health or safety or sustain the care I had been giving. Its costing me to much personally. I hope to be able to recover physically my strength, mentally recuperate as it has been a huge strain, and perhaps find other solutions and outlets for myself. I would enjoy some time off to relax like ordinary people do on annual holidays or days off work, lots of sleep etc. and not to worry about my son's welfare as is a daily occurrence now. When I recover over time, then will probably have to fight a court to get him back but will be stronger, then see how we are left for when he is 16 and I will be forced to find work. I may even be physically able to do a few short courses for a few months to make me employable again.

Its not a good plan in some people's eyes but if the social workers and HSe cannot provide regualr appropriate respite, then I will be giving him up fully 100% to the State whuch costs them more and that is the alternative. I am going to ask his father abroad to take him for a few months but that will be refused. I am 99.99% sure I will get a "are you crazy? no way" answer there. I will try that one option (my parents told me before its my responsibility not anyone elses) before the State foster/residential care option is resorted to, as a last resort.

Thanks again.

Xterminator

Hi Op

A friend of mine has a child she worries about a bit.

She purchased him a smart watch which has tracking capabilities, and it wasn't too expensive. She can from her phone see where he is to within a road in an estate etc. i assume your teenager has a phone he is not answering?

I suggest you think about that, if he is going 'missing' with local teenagers, as you have no control over what they are up to, and who he is associating with in those circumstances. Technology can tell you where he is if you have to find him.

Plopsu

How will you give him up? Have you sourced a residential place? If there is a residential place available, would it not be possible for him to go in for a couple of days a week? It's probably a bit soon (since he's only 14) but have you discussed assisted living with your social worker?

molly09

Again I don’t have much to add but I think you have accomplished lots in your life caring singlehanded for your special child.

Well give you and I can’t even begin to understand how difficult that was in the tear years and continues to be.