Being silly? Overthinking?

leeleelisa

Hi,

Hoping someone can help me with something small playing on my mind
Myself & my boyfriend are together 3 years, stable and happy relationship. Last week a situation arose that is playing on my mind and I don't know if I am reading inot it too much or simply should ignore it as nothing like this has happened before.

My BF has a friend who is a girl since college. They were best mates for years and I have been told nothing ever happened between them. They lost contact as she moved to USA a few years ago. She has a boyfriend in USA who doesn't come back with her to Ireland. Last year they reconnected on Facebook and she was coming home for a visit. We live in Dublin she is from Cork. He went down to Cork for 2 nights to meet her while she was home at Christmas, which I was totally ok with. She went back to USA and they speak maybe twice a week since on Facebook.

So, she is coming home again for Christmas and he is planning on going back down to Cork to meet her. Again, not a problem.

The issue is this these two things:

Last time she was home while he was down there, I text him asking how is he getting on. He replied "Great time. We are going to the bar and sh+t we look so hot"? I took no notice of that at the time. I found that a strange text but didn't say anything (he did comment when he came home that she has a hot body - she does and this comment didn't bother me)

Yesterday, while out for dinner, he was talking about the trip at Christmas coming. I asked him how come you two never hooked up in the past when you were younger?. He said it just didn't happen. I said to him did it ever cross your mind you too hooking up? and he said to me, last time when we met while in the bar, it crossed my mind. I was a little taken aback and asked what does he mean. He said "Yes, the thought crossed my mind of hooking up with her if I was single and she was single - but it wouldn't do anything for our friendship and I am not single and either is she" I said ok. Then he said, she had the same thought as me. I asked how did he know this? He said she mentioned it while they were out and he thought it was funny they bought were thinking it the same time! I was taken aback a little and said thats a bit weird? he said to me "A guy and a girl can be friends you know" I said of course they can but I wouldn't have thoughts of hooking up with my friend. He said there is a difference. My friend lives 20 mins away she lives 10 hours away. I don't see any difference.

Later during the meal he was talking about a story he heard in work regarding sex. He said to me "X and her bf do that" I laughed and asked how do you know do you talk about their sex life? He said yes of course. We talk about everything from movies to personal stuff. Again, this I thought was a little strange.

Now though, I am little niggling thoughts in back of my mind for the first time.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? He doesn't have any idea I feel like this yet as I do not want to make a deal out of something stupid. I am afraid to bring it up incase he thinks I have an issue with their friendship or forthcoming trip.

Thank you all in advance

leggo

Tough to tell without actually being in the conversation. I mean, look, the thoughts are all natural and you can be materially attracted to someone else while still being completely faithful, both physically and emotionally, to your partner. I also wouldn’t worry too much about the sex position talk, that’s just normal conversation. It’s pretty disrespectful to both you and her partner that they talked about it. That’s blurring the line into emotional cheating.

But then again...he was totally honest and up front and he didn’t need to be. So there’s that. I’d be inclined to think that nothing happened on that basis.

Again, it’s tough to get a full read for context. On one hand he could just be a blunt person, had a passing thought and shared it with you out of guilt, sense of duty etc. On the other he could be testing your boundaries and seeing what you’ll put up with to get a gauge for what he could get away with if he wanted to. Only you can really know having been in the conversation and known him a long time, but those are your options as far as I can see.

Big Bag of Chips

leeleelisa wrote: »

I am afraid to bring it up incase he thinks I have an issue with their friendship or forthcoming trip.

But you do have an issue with their friendship and upcoming trip. The fact that you are afraid to mention it shows you are more considerate if his feelings and reaction to what you say, than he is of yours. Maybe he's just completely clueless and doesn't get how disrespectful he is being to you, his gf, to talk to you about how hot another woman's body is, and telling you the thought of hooking up with her has crossed his mind. Or maybe he's a little infatuated with her and babbling on excitedly not realising he's doing it.

They might be purely 100% just friends, but the talk out of him would have the most secure person questioning themselves.

I think you need to tell him that his constant fawning over her is very disrespectful towards you. I'm sure he wouldn't like if you had a male friend/colleague that you were going on about, about his hot he is his sex life etc. (actually, if he knows about her sex life does she know about yours? You have to assume if they talk about everything, that she does).

tara73

leeleelisa wrote: »

We talk about everything from movies to personal stuff.

do I get it right, is he discussing with work colleagues also your sex life?

If that's the case, I would be furious! Absolutely no go. If this is the case I would have a proper talk with him you're not appreciating him discussing your sex life in the workplace or with anybody in general.
It's such a crossing of a line, and shows disrespect, disloyality and is a violation of your privacy.

The story with the 'platonic' female friend is a tricky one. One could argue he's so honest with you, feels comfortable in telling you this thing of their mutual attraction but when writing this up here, from my point of view it's completely wrong.

If he would have any common sense, empathy and consideration he must know it could really upset you. It would upset anybody. It's causing a mind f** .
How would he feel if you would tell him such a situation you have with another man? We all have probably some old flame in the back of our minds even when in a committed relationship, but why meeting up with her and then telling the girlfriend this explicit things.
I know she asks him herself why they never hooked up in the past, but she didn't ask for the other stuff of mutual attraction at the last meeting and how hot her body is bla, bla. All completely unnecessary, disrespectful, potentially upsetting things to tell your girlfriend who's sitting at home.

I would not be comfortable with him visiting her again after hearing this stuff and I would discuss it with him, your feelings about it. See how he's reacting, if he gets your valid points, good. If not, I would be concerned.

To be honest, this guy shows signs of a headwreck. You seem like a very nice girl with your head screwed on. You say your relationship is a stable one but be careful to not start accepting things which are unacceptable. Why should you do that?

seenitall

Hi OP,

In fairness, you ASKED him for all this information, literally asked him on has he ever had THOUGHTS about this woman ("I said to him did it ever cross your mind...?") and I think that's something that some posters are forgetting here. To be fair to him, he was honest about it, but - once you asked him and not before. This is why I would never ask such a thing in a relationship - it just doesn't serve any good purpose as far as I can see. If my boyfriend asked me to be totally honest about some of my male friends, I'm sure some answers wouldn't be exactly 100% to his liking. Because, newsflash, we're all human beings with pulses, and as human beings, we are also prone to insecurity and second-guessing ourselves or our relationships from time to time. However, my boyfriend will never get cheated on, and especially not with my friends, because they are just friends for a reason, the same as he is my boyfriend for a reason. So - why be opening a can of worms, either way? In this case, "don't ask, don't tell" is the way to go to spare ourselves completely unnecessary misery. In the rank of "How many sexual partners have you had before me?" and similar questions. So you have to keep that in mind.

I also think it's a good sign he was honest with you there, and from your description, he seems to be one of those people who have no filter, discussing their sex lives with the world at large etc. I just don't get the feeling he is being deliberately disrespectful to you - but I do think he needs to be put right as to what is acceptable in a mature relationship. I think you would be entitled to gently sit him down and tell him that, as this is something that involves you as well, you would appreciate he kept shtum about your favourite positions and suchlike, from now on.

I don't know, my reading on this is that it's not some huge insurmountable problem, just set your boundaries more clearly as far as yapping about your sex life around town. And I wouldn't be too concerned about that friend of his, either. But I do appreciate that, through your own nosiness, the cat is out of the bag now, and it's difficult to put it back in - as I say, it's a human thing. You will have to decide to draw a line under it, I'm afraid. Or not, as the case may be. But I certainly wouldn't be asking him not to see his friend - he has done nothing wrong, in my opinion. And we're not yet at thought-crime stage of society.

Best wishes.

wiggle16

Hi OP

I really don't think you have anything to worry about. The fact that he volunteered this information so readily would indicate you have nothing to fear from anything going on - if he was up to something or had any intention of getting up to something, he simply would not have told you what he told you. He just wouldn't have.

Seenitall is right there: you did ask, and I don't know why you would have asked a question like that without there being some underlying insecurity behind it - and that's not to criticise you, once something like that crosses your mind it's very hard to just ignore, but you did ask. You admit yourself she's attractive, so I think you were unintentionally setting him up for a fall by asking him. You were obviously hoping to hear "What? Me and Jane?? No way, I wouldn't touch her with someone else's d***" and that would have been the end of it. And IMHO he should have just said that, whether it was true or not - but it's hard to fault him for being honest, even if it's a gormless, clueless kind of honesty.

The problem with it is that he's been an eejit for telling you so directly and now you have both have created a situation where you feel threatened by a woman who you would not have felt threatened by otherwise. You shouldn't. His honesty indicates that he felt comfortable enough to tell you because it didn't occur to him that it would be an issue or cause suspicion, because there's nothing suspect to it.

I don't and, if I were you, wouldn't make much of their discussing their sex lives with one another. My close friends and I talk about our sex lives (or lack thereof :rolleyes:) regularly. It's pretty normal, in my opinion. The only time we wouldn't is if I am also close to their partner, that's when it becomes inappropriate, for me anyway. I wouldn't read too much into that. Put it this way: be it on a date, in a relationship, an affair, what have you, it's generally considered a turn-off if the other person starts going on about their sexual interactions with other people. If they were flirting, you would have been the last thing he would have been talking about. I think the fact that they've discussed it, and that he told you, points again to the fact that there is nothing suspect about their friendship. For you two as a couple it might be inappropriate or it might not, that's up to the pair of yous. But I don't think it's anything to be insecure about.

When you're up to something you shouldn't be, or if you have a secret, you think even the most innocuous little things will tell on you, even if they would not even be considered by the other person and so when people (especially decent people) lie, they tend to overcompensate. He's doing the opposite of this so I think you have nothing to worry about. He just sounds a bit clueless and innocent, if I'm honest!

By all means, have a conversation about boundaries and privacy. But I wouldn't make an issue of this - his answer will simply be "well you asked", and you did. I completely understand where you are coming from, your reaction is natural and it would make anyone question things, but it's really a matter of interpretation and which interpretation makes more logical sense - and that's that if there was anything for you to feel threatened about, he would have flat out denied the lot. He just wouldn't have told you.

Paddy Cow

tara73 wrote: »

do I get it right, is he discussing with work colleagues also your sex life?

If that's the case, I would be furious! Absolutely no go. If this is the case I would have a proper talk with him you're not appreciating him discussing your sex life in the workplace or with anybody in general.
It's such a crossing of a line, and shows disrespect, disloyality and is a violation of your privacy.

The way I read it was that his female friend discusses her sex life with him so it's implied that he discusses his sex life with her, which is totally disrespectful to his girlfriend. I wouldn't be happy with that op and you need to tell him he should have boundaries with her.

Arrival

If someone I was with discussed our sex life with anyone I would end it. You're a classless, oversharing scumbag if you do this. The most you should share about it with any nosy friends who may ask is that it's good and going well, and if it's not good and going well it means you've got a problem. Nobody outside of your relationship should know the details about your most intimate and private moments with your partner unless your partner is okay with that after you discussed it with them

Big Bag of Chips

I get that you asked, and he answered. But there's so much more to this than he just admitting that he thought about them being together. As already mentioned, probably most of us have thought that at some point or other. But we don't have to explicitly tell our partners everything. Even if they ask. He is being very inappropriate about her, for a man in a relationship. Why did he have to spend 2 nights in Cork? Why does he have to mention her hot body? Why does he have to bring up her sex life?

And I wouldn't put too much faith in the "if he's being open about it there's obviously nothing going on" line of thinking. Plenty of threads around here from people who had suspicions about their partner and best friend! I know a couple who got together through a hobby. Both were very open about the amount of time spent together. Photos of them all over Facebook, training, encouraging each other at events. Going away on weekends to different events. People joking they couldn't possibly be anything more than friends because they were so blatant. Until they both left their spouses for each other.

Only you know your bf, OP. We're just randomers making assumptions and opinion based on a few lines of text. People are always, always told to trust their gut. Your gut is telling you something. He may never cheat on you, but at the very least he is behaving in a way that is making you uneasy. You are entitled to voice that. How he reacts after that will tell you a lot.

Ghekko

Why not suggest you go to cork with him at Christmas to meet her? If you've been with him 3 years it makes sense that you would meet and get to know his friends. If there really is nothing going on between them then he should be delighted to introduce you to her.

never_mind

Ghekko wrote: »

Why not suggest you go to cork with him at Christmas to meet her? If you've been with him 3 years it makes sense that you would meet and get to know his friends. If there really is nothing going on between them then he should be delighted to introduce you to her.

This. OP, I wouldn’t be too concerned about this, he shouldn’t have said he’d get with her but if I was hiding something he wouldn’t have said that. Go to cork with him and meet her and you’ll see that it’s nothing.

I know overthinking can be tough to stop but you need to reassure yourself that this isn’t an issue.

milli milli

leeleelisa wrote: »

he said "Yes, the thought crossed my mind of hooking up with her if I was single and she was single - but it wouldn't do anything for our friendship and I am not single and either is she"

So the reason he didn’t hook up was because it would ruin the friendship and both weren’t single, not that he was in love with his girlfriend and it was out of the question?
Your boyfriend is being very inappropriate and disrespectful. Saying she had a hot body - seriously, was he trying to get a rise out of you?

I don’t know OP, the thought is out there, both are obviously attracted to each other, there’ll be drinking involved, Christmas & nostalgia. I don’t care how committed they might be to each other’s partners, I think there is a bit of ‘playing with fire’ going on.
If he hadn’t have gone on about her hotness and how he was thinking recently of hooking up with her (finding it hard to believe a man would actually say this to his partner!), I think I’d let him off.
But I can’t imagine you’d sleep soundly knowing he’s spending two nights with her.

Definitely invite yourself to the meetup and in the meantime, have a word with him about how he talks about other ladies. You’re his girlfriend not one of the lads.

lulu1

Op you and your boyfriend are 3 years together surely he should respect you enough to want you to come with him to cork or at least invite you. I would have my doubts about him and this friend in fact I would be going to cork with him,