Single and finding life hard right now

LegacyUser

Hi all, there have probably been many similar posts to mine on here but I’ve found the last few months really difficult. I’m 31 and the only single one of my friends. I’ve never had a long term relationship. The last guy I was seeing basically stopped talking to me after I spent two days trying to help him and listen to him after something had gone wrong in his job. He came home and apart from a message to say he thought he’d be looking forward to seeing me but he really wasn’t, I never heard from him again. Most recently I went on three dates with a guy who while different to what I’d normally go for, I liked that there was no airs or graces about him. He asked for naked pictures of me on my holidays and when I didn’t send them he stopped texting.

That all sounds very soon and gloom and that I am a misery bag but I can name lots of positive things about myself aswell. I keep active, I’m outgoing, friendly and for what it’s worth I’d consider myself ok looking. I have lots of friends who I’ve met through jobs, housemates and my old school friends. Just last week I heard from a mutual friend of a new person I am managing in work, that she felt I was a really lovely person and made the transition to a new job very easy for her. I don’t mean to sound big headed or anything but I genuinely believe I have a lot to offer.

Generally I try not to think about my single status, I’ve almost come to the terms that any of my relationships have been disastrous and I’m happy to try socialize and enjoy my life without thinking about it too much. The last few months have been really hard personally and I found the new job I had a challenge. In a strange way it has given me more confidence as I’ve had positive feedback but at the beginning I was so anxious about it.

Deep down I know I would really love to meet a guy, and settle down with kids. Being honest, I’ve thought about it since I was about 10 or 11 as my own upbringing wasn’t great and in general I love kids and I’ve always wanted children with the right person. I’ve tried online dating and my experience of the guy who wanted naked pictures and another two who stood me up for even our first date has left me losing faith in it. My friends are all settled down so I don’t go out much and when I do I’m not really a nightclub kind of person and would prefer the old style pubs any day over them.

This feeling has come to a head this week as I arranged a cinema night with my two housemates but they cancelled that evening and an hour later their boyfriends had come over. I’ve no issue with that and we all get on really well but I felt a bit crap aswell over it. This weekend I’ve asked a couple of different friends to come and see the same film but they either have seen it with boyfriends or were spending the night in with them.

For some reason I’ve just been really upset over it this weekend. Not the cinema as such, it’s only a film but it made me realize how lonely I am and how I need to try to come to terms better with being single. I know that sounds very dramatic but not being able to organise a simple cinema date coupled with constant snaps of cosy nights in beside the fire, has me feeling like I have failed so badly in that area of my life.

Does it ever get easier to come to terms with it? I even cried over it today so that’s how pathetic I’m feeling. I am happy in my life in every other way. I’m looking at buying houses at the moment and am hoping to move out of the house share when that happens. I know what I want in life, it just seems to be so hard getting there.

Rubberchikken

I think you'll gey ehat you want in life it just migjt take a bit more trying.
Ignore the guy looking for pictures. Those type are complete losers who have no idea how to treat a female.
As for guys who cancel begore even the first date, cobsider yourself better off to not have met them.

There are good guys out there. They're just harder to find among the wasters.
Do your friends boyfriends know any decent blokes they could introduce you to?

Good luck

Arrival

What do you do outside of work to improve your situation? What are your hobbies and interests? You only mention going out to pubs and how you rely on friends to do that but there are plenty of social things you can do without relying on friends that'll help you find more friends which will in turn help you have more opportunities to meet men. You've been relying on your friends and clearly that hasn't been working so what are you going to do, continue relying on them? Learn to enjoy yourself and live without them

pablopicasso1

Anyone know why OP can't be PM'd? Really wanted to help with her situation.

ginandtonicsky

Have you posted about this before?

LegacyUser

My hobbies are running which I do with friends and we are in a running club where we meet twice a week for runs. I also enjoy GAA, more so as a spectator and music. I also enjoy cooking and love nothing more than a Sunday spent cooking for the week ahead but I guess that’s another activity I do on my own.
I have three separate groups of friends and out of approximately 16 or 17 girls in total, one is single and she lives over an hour away from me.
I feel I do have a lot going for me and am generally quite happy with my life. It’s just that this weekend I have felt so lonely and there will probably be more weekends like that to come. All my friends bar one have just coupled up and I keep thinking what’s wrong with me that it hasn’t happened easier.

I have tried the online thing and as I said in my original post, it’s very easy to become despondent about it when one guy stopped talking to me for not sending naked pictures. One guy never texted to confirm time of our first date as he was passing my hometown and never heard from him again. Similar happened with another guy. It’s not like I’m not trying, I just have bad luck when it comes to these things. When everyone around me is settling down and I have experiences like I have, how does one not let it get to you?

milli milli

OP please don’t be hard on yourself. You’re not pathetic. It’s perfectly natural to want a companion and when you’ve never had it, it must be harder. There is nothing wrong with you and please don’t be thinking you’re full of yourself. Of course you have a lot to offer - it’s perfectly acceptable to believe in yourself and be confident in what you have to offer someone. Confidence is massively attractive. Please keep believing in yourself (low self-esteem is a turnoff).

Meeting a partner is down to luck. You can be needy as hell, be a bit of a git, look like the backend of a bus and you can still meet someone. I’m not saying you’re any of these things, just saying there is no special skills in meeting someone. Obviously you want to be the best ‘you’ you can be, to attract the ‘right’ person.

Your friends are all paired up so you will have to meet other singletons to be able to do things (or do things by yourself). There’s no easy way of doing this - it’s just joining things, doing things out of your comfort zone, the more people you meet, the more chance (luck) you’ll have of meeting a suitable person.
Activities that I personally know where people have met partners - tag rugby, sports clubs, volunteering, musical societies (not all the men are gay!).

Forget about the twits online looking for nudey pics. Not all guys are that stunted, though there is a lot online.

Regarding the guy you helped out for 2 days? Was that someone you dated? Or was it a friend? Acting like a girlfriend before you barely know someone, might be why he disappeared?
Just hold back a bit at the beginning. Keep your power. As much as you might want to go into girlfriend mode if you like someone (at the start of something) just hold back and don’t get too attached until you know it’s something that’s going somewhere.

dudara

pablopicasso1 wrote: »

Anyone know why OP can't be PM'd? Really wanted to help with her situation.

The OP is posting anonymously (i.e. without a Boards account) so that’s why you can’t PM them. However, please note that requesting or sending of PMs is against the PI/RI charters. There are vulnerable people on the internet and there are predators. Therefore we do not encourage it.

@ginanftonicsky - if you suspect a post, please report it. Otherwise offer advice

dudara

joeguevara

Your life won’t automatically get any easier if you have a boyfriend and it will put way too much pressure on any new relationship if you have that mindset. The two things are mutually exclusive. It came to a head because you felt relegated when your night out was cancelled when the bfs turned up. But you probably would have had a great night otherwise meaning you didn’t need a bf just a night out with your friends.

That means you need to broaden your circle, do things that gets you out of the house and meet new people without the extra pressure of romantic trials and tribulations. That means when you do meet someone that pressure is gone and you won’t need them to make you happy.

It’s great havin* someone to cuddle up to, chat sh1t, kiss and everything else but it’s not a magic bullet.

LegacyUser

Regarding the guy you helped out for 2 days? Was that someone you dated? Or was it a friend? Acting like a girlfriend before you barely know someone, might be why he disappeared?
Just hold back a bit at the beginning. Keep your power. As much as you might want to go into girlfriend mode if you like someone (at the start of something) just hold back and don’t get too attached until you know it’s something that’s going somewhere.[/QUOTE]


We had been seeing each other five months at that stage and we were exclusive from about a month and a half.. It was pretty much weekends when we saw each other as there was a travel time of an hour and a half between us.. We were due to go away together the weekend he went silent on me. He was in bad form that week and eventually he told me about what had happened. I actually cried myself the night he told me as I was upset that he was so upset because he felt it would have pretty big repercussions for his future. So I just looked into a few things regarding his issue and was generally reassuring him and trying to support him. Then two days later he was done with us. I don't feel I got too attached apart from really liking him and feeling it was going somewhere as up to that point everything was great.

I guess with the past weekend and all my friends settling down quite easily, it is hard to forget the feeling of being alone and on my own. I genuinely do enjoy my own time, I've lots of interests, friends, and I love my job. I am hoping to buy a house in the next few months so I am genuinely really independent and happy in my life apart from my issue.The one thing that's lacking in my life is someone to share it with and I worry in case it doesn't happen. My parents are mid 70s and I'm so scared that in 10 years or so when they're gone that I'll be completely on my own in life. I think I'll give the online thing a break as the guys I've met were not what I'm looking for and I feel like it's a waste of time really.

LegacyUser

strugglingaway wrote: »

my own upbringing wasn’t great .

Start there. It's a common thing in there kinds of posts that somebody says they had a family problem, poor relationship with their parents or whatever, then looks at their situation now and sees no connection at all, but I absolutely guarantee you that the origins of your issues lie in that single phrase. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is influenced in their adult relationships by their upbringing - good or bad, big or small, there's no way not to be. What the direct affect is on your relationships now is impossible to say at this stage, but a couple of sessions of counselling will help you untangle that and move forward. And if you think it's a step too far to start on that, think about this - if you do what you always done, you'll get what you always got, or you can make a change to how you see your past and help your future.

milli milli

strugglingaway wrote: »

We had been seeing each other five months at that stage and we were exclusive from about a month and a half..

I don't feel I got too attached apart to from really liking him and feeling it was going somewhere as up to that point everything was great.

Well in that case, the guy was a git to just end things without an explanation.

When everyone around me is settling down and I have experiences like I have, how does one not let it get to you?

To be honest, for me personally, it’s been a process. I’m older than you and have my fair share of knockbacks, lonely nights, hopes dashed, seeing most of my friends get engaged/married/babied-up and then seeing younger friends & siblings get engaged/married/babied-up.

I’ll be honest it’s hard going and my mental health took a right toll. But I focused on what I have and put myself front & centre and I developed myself in all sorts of ways - physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. I suppose I did ‘Project Me’ and as a result I have quite a fulfilling life now.
I did work on myself in trying to figure why I’m still single too and as it happened I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men (meaning I was also unavailable). I was shocked at this revelation to be honest, because I always thought I wanted a relationship. So the men I pursued could and would never give me what I wanted.
Anyway the reason I’m telling you all this, is that maybe it might help you.

Finding love in yourself first and foremost, then love outside. In that way you won’t feel the burning ‘need’ to meet someone. Also make sure you yourself are emotionally available - look at the guys you are attracted to - are they always leaving you hanging, you never know where you stand with them? Or do you know how you stand with them, are they loving & attentive & just all-round good guys?

ginandtonicsky

strugglingaway wrote: »

My parents are mid 70s and I'm so scared that in 10 years or so when they're gone that I'll be completely on my own in life.

You simply can't approach dating with this kind of intensity, especially online dating.

I understand your frustrations. My parents aren't young either and I'd love them to see me settle with someone and start a family in their lifetime, all of that kinda stuff. But thinking about being single and relationships in that way and ruminating about the future permeates your behaviour in the most counter-productive way on the dating scene. You're just coming at it and expecting the world from people before you've really invested the time to get to know them and understand them.

No-one wants to go out with someone like that. Think about it - ever felt like you were being pursued by someone who just wants a girlfriend, any girlfriend because they're so uneasy and freaked out by being single. Ever wanted to go out with them? No chance.

I think there's a lot of great takeaways from Milli Milli's post above. You sound like a smart, capable person OP, you've got your life together, you're out there doing your best. But you're thinking of your single status like it's some kind of disease to shed before you wind up entirely alone in life. It's your duty to yourself to make sure your social support networks are in place so you don't have this feeling of abject terror at being alone in the world as you get older. Friends, siblings, relatives, colleagues, whatever. Self-care practices. Being "ok" if you don't meet someone, because it's not the end of the world to be single.

I think you're right to take a break from the dating apps. They are lethal if you've got any insecurities or hangups whatsoever. Take a break, recalibrate, try to figure out how you can get your needs met without that mythical "perfect man" and wait until you're ready to come back with a more casual approach.

Having that bit of perspective helps with spotting red flags, knowing when someone is a lost cause, not accepting the crappy behaviour you'll get from so many shysters online etc.