Needy Friends

wanttochat

I just wanted to get some general opinion on friendships as I struggle sometimes with feelings of guilt over certain friendships. I have a couple of close friends and I enjoy doing things with them and with my work friends, between that and my partner I feel like my quota of having enough friends is full. Every so often I find someone comes into my life and they are seeking way more from the friendship than I want or even have to offer. Usually I end up with this feeling of guilt for not giving them more, I feel like the person is overly needy and I'm always trying to keep things in the acquaintance zone rather than forming a close friendship.

One friend in particular I knew from a mutual hobby and we would often be involved in a friend group enjoying our hobby. She sort of latched onto me and whilst I want a certain level of friendship with her, say I get that sort of guilt feeling from her, and it could be a very slight comment about not being invited along to something that she would have liked to do ( with my other friends outside of this hobby) or me being so busy I can't see her. Eventually with this girl I just stopped talking to her, I feel bad but why do people have to ruin things by giving you a guilt trip?

Something similar has happened to me now a few times and I feel like I want to avoid making new friends. I feel like I'm the bad guy because I just have to phase them out. There are reasons why I want to keep these people at a distance but I don't think they would recognise those reasons if I painted it in the sky. Is the best thing to do just not entertain these needy type of people in the first instance?

Hannibal_Smith

Instead of phasing them out, have you explained things to them? When the friendship is starting out are you in touch constantly. How can someone just latch on to you?

LegacyUser

I doubt the people are needy. It just sounds to me that they’d like to be friends rather than acquaintances. Like how most friendships usually develop.

You have your reasons OP but it just sounds to me, like you’re in your own little clique and no-one else is allowed in.
I just hope you’ll always have this little clique because trying to make friends with people and being shunned is quite hard as an adult.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you sound like you are afraid or unwilling to communicate with the friends what works for you, and to say no when it doesn't suit etc. ( because you are trying to avoid conflict? )

These friends dont know there are doing anything wrong. then when they have annoyed you enough/too much you ghost them.

It could all be avoided by being more direct and saying no when you feel like saying no. if they terminate the friendship - then so be it. A little more assertivness on your part and honesty might prevent this cycle.

B0jangles

If you don't want your different friend/acquaintance groups to mix, then don't bring them up with each other in conversation if you can avoid doing so.

Like, If I mention to a new friend that my old group of friends is meeting up for an ordinary social thing (obviously not something like a hen or a birthday meal), then it's fairly likely the new friend thinks I'm going to ask if they want to come along.

In a general sense, we all have difference expectations of what being a friend/friendly involves -some people like lots and lots of chats, meetups for coffee, sharing deepest secrets (all of which sounds pretty dire to me tbh), others like to meet up sometimes to do some specific activity or hobby, but don't need to chat every day.

Neither is wrong, but if two people have very different expectations about what friendship involves, then it's not going to work out very well for either of them.

marielovesstea

wow.. its such a terrible world we live in that someone would want to be your friend... how selfish of them.


get over yourself OP. People are dying of loneliness out there, you should be appreciating these people that want to be around you.

blairbear

marielovesstea wrote: »

wow.. its such a terrible world we live in that someone would want to be your friend... how selfish of them.


get over yourself OP. People are dying of loneliness out there, you should be appreciating these people that want to be around you.

This is very mean-spirited. Some people absolutely do not want or need innumerable friends. I have 2 or 3 good ones, and am friendly with a few more that I genuinely like. I prefer to spend time on my own over time with anyone else. Some of us are content with a small number of trustworthy friends and aren't eager to add to our daily communication or social obligations unless we really have a connection with a new person.

Being around other people takes energy from me. The thought of a new friend right now would not fill me with joy! The OP is perfectly within her rights to keep anyone at arm's length that she wants to.

HandsomeBob

There are ways to communicate non interest OP where people will get the message. Your problem might be that you're putting on a facade to these people that you're actually interested in them.

never_mind

Jesus Christ....


Right, it is not the OP’s responsilbity to make other people happy and actually it would be incredibly unfair for the OP to be disingenuous by involving people in scenarios for their own benefit. Friendships are a two way street and can vary from being very close to being FRIENDLY. It’s more complicated than just saying that the world is a lonely place and you have to absolutely be friends with anyone you meet...

Instead, OP, you need to set boundaries and let them know that you have multiple interests and need to spend time with other people because they want some alone time with you. I remember friends of mine complaining about me bringing other friends on nights out because you just end up spending the night juggling the two groups or trying to get them to mingle.

OP, at the end of the day do what makes you happy and be respectful and nice to people. If you aren’t in the mood to see a particular person for whatever reason be sound and don’t hang out with them.