I Absolutely Hate the Way I Look

LegacyUser

Well the title is exactly what it says on the tin. Early(ish) 20s, and I haaaaaaaaaate the way I look. I have always been uncomfortable with how I look but in the past year or 2 its gotten so much worse, mostly due to a large weight gain after weight loss via unhealthy means.

I avoid meeting up with friends for months on end as I cannot stand how I look, and Lord forbid if I accidentally bump into someone from secondary school. I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror, the idea of going out ever is the worst I dread meeting anyone I know, going to work I dont even brush my hair in the mornings to avoid looking in the mirror before I go to work.

I hate myself, I well and truly hate myself cause despite all this, I will continuously follow a good diet for most the day....and then bam. I hit the brain on zombie mode. I eat everything in sight. I go to the shop with what spare change I have and I buy a sharing bag of m and ms, and a sharing size chocolate bar...and I will eat them both in the one go. My brain goes on auto pilot and theres no reasoning with me. Its so easy to say well just dont buy the junk food, but as soon this idea enters my head I cant contend with it, my find fixates on it and nothing else until I go get this damned food. I become extremely restless, haywire, and physically uncomfortable, and as I said its like my brain is on auto pilot. If anyone at work brings treats in for all of us you can bet Ill be wolfing it down.

This unhappiness with the way I look eats into every single area of my life. (Its not just the fat on my body, I have awful pimples and pres despite following a good skin routine and drinking water, also not much I can do about it but unfortunately I was born with my fathers masculine facial bone structure, Ive done those gender swap apps before, I honestly look better as a man ). I have never had any "sexual encounter" and I think a lot of it is to do with the fact that I write off the idea of ever being attractive to anyone (especially someone I might be attracted to). That, and no one has ever been interested in me in that way sooo...its not just in my head :P

Also I cant abide exercise, I never have. I have tried to join so many random different classes and the gym and I'll stick with them for maybe 2 months (I know, I hate exercise, I hate the way I look, which do I hate more, but can it be said i hate both equally). It probably doesnt help that despite living a 15 minute drive from my workplace it takes me the guts of 2.5 hours to get home (public transport + rush hour traffic = DISASTER). But even despite this, weight is 70-90 percent diet which I guess is my major downfall.

So IDEK what I am asking. Anyone got some magic elixir that can help me get over these issues, or if not, a least some advice, or recommendations?

Zorya

There is no magic elixir. You are looking at the choices you will make today, tomorrow and every day of your life. Every day is a new Universe, you will be deciding every day how that Universe works. If you make a bad choice it's a lapse not a collapse into helplessness. You get back on track with better choices after a lapse and you rinse and repeat every day.

Most people, if not everyone, is suffering in some way, a lot of it invisible. You are part of that human race of billions struggling to make good choices every day. You can do this just as well as anyone. Be confident about that. Eat 5 to 7 portions of fruit and vegetables every day and be here fully as you make your choices every day. You can do it.

Lyle Lanley

You need to get over your aversion to exercise. Nothing will change until you do. Why not cycle to work? Seems like it'll solve at least two of your issues.

zapper55

Could you walk or cycle to work?

Re the emotional eating i know cbt therapy can be brilliant.

kylith

I'm afraid that it's cop-yourself-on-time OP. There is no magic potion. You have to decide what you want more: to lose weight and be healthier, or M&Ms.

You need to look at your diet. If you are starving yourself during the day then yes, it will be harder to not buy the bad stuff but make no bones about it you make the decision to buy the bad stuff. I know this because I've been there. I've been the overweight person who walks into a shop and finds that the staff have already started bagging up jambons for me. I've spent who knows how long staring at crisps on the shelf as an internal battle rages. You're craving something sweet? Have some mango. Salty? Edamame.

Use something like My Fitness Pal app to track what you're eating. Having to write down and account for everything will help to keep you on track. Don't starve yourself or you're setting yourself up to fail - fill up on good stuff instead. If you go into the same shop on your way home and buy sweets then go home a different way. Work up to cycling to work, you will save yourself time and money, and you'll feel better; even walk home from work - maps will be able to tell you how long it will take and it will almost certainly be less than the hours that you're currently spending commuting, and it's free.

SusieBlue

I can sympathise with you because as much as I hate it, a lot of my self esteem & self worth is tied up in how I outwardly look. I wish I wasn't so shallow but I honestly can't help it. If I don't look good, I don't feel good.

I got into a bit of a funk last year.
I stopped looking after myself completely, ate all round me, didn't move off the couch & gained 1.5 stone. Its a miracle I didn't gain more, looking back at the amount of takeaways I was having.
I didn't even like myself, let alone respect myself. I was so unhappy and it took the ending of my relationship to do something about it.

At my first day of Personal Training, my trainer said to me "Nothing will change unless you do".
This was probably the best advice I've ever been given.
I'm a lazy procrastinator by nature, so I knew simply joining a gym wouldn't work for me.
I knew (at that point) I didn't have the discipline required to keep up the commitment.
Instead I signed up for PT and gym classes.
Paid for both up front, knowing that I'd talk myself out of going if I didn't have bookings/appointments made.
This was invaluable, because it created accountability. If I didn't go to PT, my trainer would be texting asking where I was and what was wrong. I never missed a session.

You need to take that "zombie mode" you get into when eating stuff you shouldn't be, and apply it to exercising. I won't lie at all, I don't particularly enjoy exercising. I don't think I'll ever be the kind of person that does.
But I DO love the results I get from it.
So I go into autopilot, I switch off, do my sessions and get it done.
I do PT three times a week (40 mins per session) and one class (kettlebells or spinning).
Trust me when I say the results are worth it.

As for your commute, get off the bus a few stops earlier and try to walk as much of the route as you can.
Stick on a playlist or podcast and before you know it you'll be at work.
Make an effort to get your 10k steps in, you'll feel better for all the fresh air you'll be getting and you'll burn calories too.

You need to look at the bigger picture here, do you really want to be feeling the exact same as you do now in 10 years? If not, something has to change. Little changes make big differences in the long run.

Food wise, you know what you need to do.
You know you shouldn't be eating all the rubbish.
You should start small, I wouldn't even look at calories right now, but focus on making better choices.
Cut out all the sweets, chocolate, crisps, processed food and takeaways. Bulk meals with veg & cook from scratch where possible.
When you get into the routine of doing that, THEN you can look into counting calories. Baby steps.

Lastly, you need to find ways to reward yourself that don't involve food. Self care is SO important, & I'm not talking about buying a new lipstick or expensive fancy beauty treatments.
Before, if I wanted to treat myself I'd get loads of sweets in the shop or get a takeaway.
Now I have a nice bath, with Lush bathbombs and my scented candles. Or I do a facemask. Both are great distractions, a way of rewarding yourself, & are good for self care.

Nothing will change unless you do.
You aren't happy, so do something to change that.
You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to.
The ability to do this is buried deep within you. These will be short term sacrifices for a long term gain.
You won't be sorry you tried this if you put your heart and soul into it for a few weeks, because I promise you will get the results you so badly want.
I have gone from a size 14 to a size 8/10 in just six months doing the above. I'm just sorry I didn't start sooner.

shesty

As above.Also if you live a 15 min drive from work then I'm guessing it's a 45 min walk maybe.Do it.Even just once or twice a week.Piles of exercise right there.

Hitman3000

Can't understand why you would spend so much time sitting on a bus when 30 to 40 minutes will get you to work by walking with the added benefit of excerise and having almost an extra 2 hours to spend how you like.
Swop the sweets and crap for fruit. You will start to notice a weight change fairly soon if you make these changes.

LirW

Your first port of call should be your GP to do bloods and get your hormone status checked. Once underlying issues are ruled out get yourself a few PT lessons and as SusieBlue said pay upfront for it. The hardest part is to get going.

Good luck.

Teyla Emmagan

Would you consider Overeaters Anonymous? You sound like you're on a more complicated category than most people generally are.

Sittingpretty

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Would you consider Overeaters Anonymous? You sound like you're on a more complicated category than most people generally are.

I second this. Have a look at the body whys site on binge eating. It sounds exactly like what you describe.

I know this as I only recently discovered it myself having googled all my own overeating habits.

Tiddlypeeps

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Would you consider Overeaters Anonymous? You sound like you're on a more complicated category than most people generally are.

This.

Your issues are way beyond just being over weight. Until you address your self loathing you will have a hard time stopping the binge eating, and until you stop the binge eating you will not lose weight. You are trying to fix things in the wrong order. I would wager that if you could wave a magic wand and be the perfect weight tomorrow you would still hate yourself and be very unhappy.

You are using your lack of romantic encounters as "proof" you are as ugly as you seem to think you are, but this is really not a good metric. Low self esteem can make people act closed off to romantic experiences, if you don't think you have any chance with someone you will not be giving off open signals and on top of that you'll likely miss any signals other people are giving off because you don't believe you are worthy. I've seen this happen in the real world many times, where people miss out on opportunities because they are oblivious the opportunity was there to begin with usually because of self esteem. So please don't use this as a stick to beat yourself with.

Talk to somebody. Someone above mentioned CBT, this is generally a great tool for dealing with these sorts of issues, but at the very least talk to someone who can help you work through this. A trip to your GP would be a great place to start, they can rule out anything physical and should be able to make recommendations for someone to talk to.

Kerry25x

MayorQuimbie wrote: »

It probably doesnt help that despite living a 15 minute drive from my workplace it takes me the guts of 2.5 hours to get home (public transport + rush hour traffic = DISASTER).

Hey!

I also live a 15 minute drive from my workplace and don't drive. When I can't get a lift, which is most of the time, I walk it - takes about 45 minutes and helps me unwind before getting home after a busy day.

This is the obvious choice, get some good exercise and free up almost 2 hours of your day! I can't imagine how depressing it is spending 2 and a half hours trying to get home on public transport every day! I know you say you hate exercise but surely this doesn't extend to taking a walk? You'd be amazed what a 45 minute walk a day would do for your mind and your body.

LegacyUser

you should look up Brain Over binge, it's a really helpful book.
Also make sure you're not undereating during the day.