Feeling overwhelmed and sinking

Moaning Myrtle

This will be long. Sorry, but I am really struggling at the minute.

When I was 4 or 5 our next door neighbour used to abuse me. I never told anyone about it until a few years ago. I told my mother. She wasn't very surprised. Apparently at the time I had said something about something he had done. She said she had told me not to go into that house after that. The road I grew up on had three families with children who all played together and one of the families lived in this house. So when we were playing we would go in there a lot. My mother kind of implied it was my fault. She kept saying that she had told me not to go into that house.

It turned out he had also abused one of my brothers and he saw him abuse another kid we played with. When it all came out my brother got counselling and my mother told me not to talk about it anymore because she didn't want him upset.

On top of that I was in my early 20s I went out with someone and on our first date he raped me. It was my first proper time going out with someone and my first time. I didn't tell anyone and told myself that it was my fault because even though I had said no and pleaded with him to stop I had been in his house so I had asked for it. So I continued to see him. He told me he loved me. I had always felt repulsive and thought that would never happen. No one had looked twice at me before. But he also hurt me - twisted my arm and strained my wrist. He bit me one time because I annoyed him. Sometimes I would say no but he would ignore me and have sex anyway.

I got pregnant and I was so scared of what he would do I hid myself away for 9 months at home and didn't tell him. He never found out I had a baby for him. That was nearly 17 years ago. I kept it all to myself for 14 years before I told my mother. Her reaction was for me not to tell my dad because it would kill him. And not to tell my brothers because it would upset them.

That year I had a complete breakdown. I attempted suicide. The doctor wanted to hospitalise me but the nurse wasnt keen. My mother kept saying I'd be stigmatized if I was taken into a psychiatric ward so I went home. I went to Pieta House and after a month I had a plan to end it all. I had a safety plan in place. My mother was supposed to have my medication locked away and have the keys to my car but she had given them all back to me. The counsellor in Pieta listened to my plan and persuaded me to go to hospital. She rang my dad to come and bring me. They kept me in for 2 weeks. When I was there my mother gave out to me because my dad had felt that the counsellor in Pieta had been giving out to him. She keot telling me to act better so they'd let me out. So I did.

My daughter had been attending CAMHS for the trauma of all thats happened. So I used to get called into sessions and the counsellor would tell me all the things I was doing wrong as a mother. How I was too over protective and how my suicide attempts were abandoning my daughter. So I have been trying to put that right.

The last 2 years things have improved. I finished in College the year before my breakdown and the last two years I have been working towards a permanent job in my new career. Ive been tapering off my medication slowly. My daughter was discharged from CAMHS. But this month has been stressful. I discovered my daughter self harming which I know is my fault. She's going to be going to Pieta while she waits to be readmitted to CAMHS. Im snowed under in work and feel like I can't catch my breath with everything that has to be done. Plus living at home with my mother constantly telling me what to do and how to do is suffocating but I cant afford rent. My daughter is giving out abiut the amount of work I bring home and I missed out on a night of binge watching a boxset we had been watchinig together.

Last night I cried for the first time in ages because I was so overwhelmed. I don't want to give my job up because I really love it. For the first time in my life I'm happy in my work and its a really fulfilling job so I feel good about that. But when she saw me crying my mother snapped at me and told me to go back on my pills. Thats the last thing I want but I'm starting to feel lost. I don't want to feel nothing again the way I did on them.

Sorry for the novel

Totes

Hi Op
I don’t have any advice to give but wanted to reply & say considering all you have been through it sounds like you’re doing really well on the professional front & the Mammy front. You are not dismissing your daughters issues but dealing with them head on unlike many of our own Mams & that is to b very much admired. I wish u the best.

zapper55

I felt so angry towards your mother reading that and so protective of you. None of the abuse was your fault. I hope you know that now.

Your mothers reaction to everything was horrific. Some mam's just have poor life skills. I really think and hope you get out of your living arrangements with her soon. She sounds absolutely toxic.

It is amazing that you are doing so so well after everything that happened. And thats all down to your hard work. Well done on the job.

Look your daughter is lashing out. I know i did when i was a teenager. You are doing everything you can for her. And its brilliant ypu were able to wean off the medication also.

You had a really **** day yesterday. I hope ypu feel a but better today.

I cannot stress how well you are doing after everything youve been through. Is there someone you can talk to today? And not the counsellor that gave out to you before.

shesty

My first thought when you said your mother told you not to go into that house (the first time), was "wtf kind of parent is she?".If I ever had even an inkling that my daughters were ever even near a situation like that I'd be doing a hell of a lot more than just "telling" my 5 year old "don't go into that house".
You are doing so well OP.The amount of stress you have been under is incredible.Your mother (I'm sorry) is not a good mother-although I can appreciate she is probably a product of Ireland and how it's society worked, at the time too.It is deeply unfortunate for you to still be living there.Do you have a counsellor or anyone to talk to?I hope you feel better today.

Hannibal_Smith

You've been told since an early age that things that were not your fault were and that a really significant issue in your life was to be ignored to benefit your brother. The issues child abuse causes and the damage it does when you try and come to terms with it is bad enough, never mind when you have your mother confirm those thoughts.

Hopefully you know by now that it wasn't your fault and it doesn't matter where you went the only person to blame is the sicko who put his hands on you.

The train of thought you followed with your former partner, is only natural. When you've been abused and been told it's your fault, when it happens later how can you not follow the only train of thought you know how.

Usually in both of the instances you've described, people tend to blame themselves, the job of the person you confide in is to dispell that. It is to reinforce that the only person to blame is the abuser and the rapist in both scenarios. Unfortunately your mother did the exact opposite.

Regarding your daughter, you're human. Not only have you had a lot of sh*t thrown at you, but you've had the blame of it lumbered on you too. That's a hell of a lot for anyone to take on. But you're getting there and working through it with your daughter, showing you're far stronger than you think.

Where work is concerned, up until recently I nearly cracked because of work. The pace of it and the workload were overwhelming. It was impacting my personal life. I would be good for nothing.

The way I dealt with it was to diary and schedule it all. For example, I'm not sure whether your job is a desk job or not? But have a diary or notebook beside you. Write out a list of things you would like to get done by lunch time. Then a list of things you want to get done in the afternoon. Have a realistic list. You cannot get everything done in a work day. It's not possible. But by ticking things off the list, you'll at least leave work seeing what you have achieved and feeling less like you're sinking. Also take all you're breaks when you're supposed to. Leave your desk and go sit outside or read a magazine or something.

Then have a separate diary for home time. Things you would like to do that evening. If you've scheduled a movie night with your daughter, stick to it. If it's on the list do it. If you can't get to something , forward it for the next evening. That way you'll see all you're getting done and you'll see how much you're putting off. If it's not that much you will again resolve the sinking feeling and if it's a lot, you'll see it and know something needs to change.

Have it so the diary or notebook isn't something that's bogging you down, but is bright and positive and full of realistic easy goals so you'll see all you're doing right. It sounds really childish and simple, but for me it has worked wonders and has changed how I tackle the pressure of work and am ready for the kids when I get home.

I'm really sorry about how your mother has behaved towards you. But that is not your fault, but not all mums are perfect. At least you're trying to do everything right for your daughter.

Moaning Myrtle

Rationally I know the things that happened weren't my fault. But actually believing it deep down is another thing. I feel that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me for these things to have happened. When I was a kid in school and a teenager I had no friends. The only people that have ever shown an interest in me were the dirty neighbour, my daughters father and a couple of people who told me they wanted to be with me and then ghosted me after I slept with them. So I can't help thinking it's me that's the problem.

I did have had counselling - it was through the HSE. It didnt really help. I didnt really gel with the counsellor. She wanted me to have something prepared to talk about each time and if I wasn't able to she just sat staring at me. It just made me very uncomfortable and I hated it. Maybe I was doing it wrong but I didn't know what to be saying to her so I got really flustered and couldn't talk very much.

At the moment my daughter and my mother are not talking to me so I'm out in the cold at home.
Im not suicidal and I have no intention of putting anyone through that again but I keep thinking how nice it would be to go to sleep and never wake up.

Totes

Hi Op
This is not your fault. Maybe you didn’t have pals when u were growing up because you were too scared to open u’r mouth to anyone for fear of what wud happen based on the abuse you were subjected to. This is not a reflection on you but on the unhappiness & emotional insecurity driven by the abuse you suffered. Please stop being so hard on yourself, be kind to urself for the next few weeks. Counselling with someone with a different approach might b really helpful too. As for the picture & no sound in the house - that’s just teenagers.. your mam is another story but one step at a time - mams are a law unto themselves in my experience I let a lot of it wash over me completely nodding & smiling are the most effective tools sometimes

Hannibal_Smith

The abuse was not your fault, nor what was what happened with your partner.

You can do this. Take your mother not talking to you as a blessing. While she's not talking to you, you won't have the criticism and you can focus on your daughter. Maybe talk to your daughter and tell her you shouldn't have changed plans, ask her to make another one with her and stick to it. Enjoy some time with her.

Xterminator

Hi OP.

well done on getting the help, and helping yourself turn things around in your life, your not anyones punchbag, and you have shown by example to your child that you had the courage to step out of your bad life and build one yourself. this is a great achievement, and you are a good role model in that aspect.

Its natural reaction for parents that have had an unscathed upbringing to feel like they have failed their child if they find out they are self harming. Given your background, and admitted low self esteem, i can only imagine those feeling are greatly magnified for you. But there is an epidemic of this happening throughout ireland and your not to blame.

Could you have done things differently with hindsight - sure. But you only get one go at life, and mistakes are part of it. there's no manual to bringing up kids, you do your best & hope to god thats enough.

now beating yourself up wont help your daughter. And unlike many parents you have an insight into what kinds of mental stresses your daughter has, and what the road to recovery will look like for her, and you can be the rock she needs.

Your mother sounds pretty sour but she may at least mave made a point worth talking about. visit your gp/mental health professional and ask if you should be going back on some medication .I know you dont want to, and its not for life, but if it helps - then do what you have to. your mother is not a professional, but she may see symptoms that require treatment.

Is your job taking up too much time in your life? If so, you need to address that. less stress from work, and a decent work life balance would help. however you don't have to quit as the 1st step. Talk to your boss/HR etc. see what can be done within your role.

If you make them think everything is fine they will be happy for you to keep taking on everything, but if you ask for help and demonstrate excessive workload is causing issues, they might work with you to improve things. so take the plunge and ask for help there.

With your daughter, one piece of advice - your role with CAMHS and doctors is to be your daughters advocate. don't accept things if they are not satisfactory. Demand more help if needed, be a participant in the process, and make your voice heard.

wiggle16

Hi OP

I would strongly encourage you to consider contacting one or more of the organisations listed in the sticky for distressed posters: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293

You may not have gained much from counselling in the past but please don't let your past experiences write it off for you entirely, there are some great services out there and the vast majority of counsellors and mental health workers are far more understanding than what you've experienced previously.

What happened to you was not your fault and you know that. As hurtful as it is, I do not think your mother and daughter's refusal to speak to you, callous as it is, is the worst thing in the world for you right now, because they are not helping you otherwise - their attitude towards you is horrendous. Your mother does not sound like a very nice person, to put it as mildly as possible, and I think getting away from her would be the best thing you could possibly do in the short term.

Your daughter's behaviour and issues are NOT your doing. It sounds like you have gone through your life accepting blame for things that were not your fault and it's likely become second nature to you now. You need to realise that blame and fault are never relevant, never ever. Identifying things that you could have done better in the past can help you learn from your experiences and help you avoid repeating them, but it has no place in the present.
To look at it another way, I would ask you this: OP, even if it was all your fault, what difference does it make? Does that mean you shouldn't seek help or be helped? Does that excuse the horrific attitude you've gotten from your mother and daughter? Of course it doesn't. You still did not deserve it and do not deserve to feel the way you do now. Blame and fault are irrelevant - and you are neither at fault nor to blame for what has happened to you.

For some people medication is a genuine long term solution to mental health issues, for others it is a temporary component of treatment. I do think there is always a place for it in helping people function while they get to the root of the problem. You should look at it as something that is meant to assist you in getting better, not outright cure you. The one thing you cannot do about this is do nothing.

Again I'd strongly encourage you to engage with one of the services listed in the sticky. I don't know about yours, but most workplaces now have confidential referral to counselling and mental health services for their staff - if one is available, please explore it. You have had an awful run of luck, both in life and with treatment, but you cannot allow yourself to sink into doing nothing. You know you are capable of doing well, you finished college and everything. You can do this, and you owe yourself a better lot than the one you were dealt.

Best of luck OP xxx

Moaning Myrtle

Thanks for the replies. I've been thinking about things a lot in the last week or so. Work is always mental this time of year but it should settle down into a more reasonable pace after next week and I should have more free time.

Living at home is not what I want but for the moment I have nowhere else to go. Rent is more than I can afford and no one would give me a mortgage until I'm made permanent, so I just have to suck it up for now.

Things are better with my daughter but she dropped the bomb on me yesterday that she is going to look for her father and she wants any information I have about him. We've had this conversation a few times over the last few years and I've always managed to delay her. I know she has every right to look for him but the thoughts of her finding him makes me feel physically sick. She keeps asking me why I'm putting her off finding him and I don't have a good enough answer anymore.

Her last therapist in CAMHS knew the situation with my past. But the new therapist in Pieta House doesn't and the thoughts of going through the whole story again with yet another stranger is exhausting.

I've also changed my doctor as I felt I was getting no support off my current gp. The new one chatted about reducing my dose and took blood because apparently with the medication I'm on they should be done regularly. My iron and B12 are very low so I'm on iron and getting an injection next week so hopefully that will help me feel better soon.

Moaning Myrtle

So yesterday my daughter had her appointment in Pieta House. Up till now it had been going well. Yesterday the therapist talked to me on my own first as usual. I told her that she had had a bad week and that she had been talking about finding her father again. I said that she didn't know the full story about the things her father had done and that I didn't want her to know as it would be too damaging to her. The therapist said that she needed to know because she needed closure. I said I would give her some information about him and she offered to be there when I told her. I said maybe. Then she called my daughter in by herself.

I could hear her sobbing from outside. She came out early visibly upset and wanted to leave. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I couldn't get anything out of her she just wanted to get the the car.

When we got there she broke down then and was nearly hysterical. It took me a while to to get out of her that she had been going through some scenarios with the therapist about why I didn't like talking about her dad. One was that it was a one night stand and I didn't know who he was and the other was a rape scenario. She said the therapist latched onto this and kept asking her about how that would feel. When my daughter was crying (the sobbing I heard) she kept saying that she had to prepare her for what I was going to tell her. She said she tried to stop talking about it but she kept bringing her back to it.

I never told this therapist what the story was. My daughter said that the way the therapist kept going back to this she knew that it must be this. She looked like her heart had been broken. She begged me to tell her that it wasn't that...I've never seen her in so much pain. Not since the night she thought I was going to die. I told her that it wasnt true and that the therapist didn't know anything about it (which she didn't unless she read my file from when I was going there?).I didn't know what else to do.

I don't know what to do. I know I will never tell her what her father did to me. I never had any intention of her ever knowing that. I feel like Ive let her down yet again and caused her even more pain. She has no father because of the decisions I made. She has been damaged so badly by all my crap. Now she says she's never going back to Pieta House. She needs help and I don't know where to get it. An appointment has come up in CAMHS but that's not till the end of the month.

Hellywelly

Could you phone CAHMS on Tuesday when they reopen and stress that your daughter is in crisis and see if they can give you an earlier appointment - let them know that you’d take a cancellation (if you can). They may be able to get your daughter in sooner. I wonder if it would be good to try and let your daughter know something about her father and how she was conceived. You shouldn’t lie but maybe if she knew something it would be easier for her.? Especially now that she’s been led by the therapist to shocking news. Could you talk to her about any part of the story of you and her father in a way that could comfort her but without the horror of the full truth?
I think you’re amazing and obviously a very caring mum and I really really hope things ease out for you and your daughter soon.
Xxx

Moaning Myrtle

Thanks. I'll try them in the morning.

I'm just shocked that the therapist led her down that road without knowing the full story and knowing that there were things I wasn't prepared to tell her. And the fact that she kept bringing her back to it when she tried to move on to other things has me baffled. Iknow I will have to share some information but for me that's too much. I know my daughter and I know what that would do to her. There are things I can tell her that are good enough reasons for me not wanting to contact him without completely destroying her mentally. Besides the fact it's something extremely personal to me and I feel that who I share that with is a decision for me not someone who doesn't know anything about me.