Marriage in trouble

LegacyUser

We have been together 15 years and married 9. We have a gorgeous 2 year old child, who we both love more than anything. It was a hard road for me to get pregnant with him and I went through a lot emotionally for 6 years trying. Eventually we did fertility treatment, which thankfully was successful first time.

Since I gave birth, things have become really tough between us. While I was pregnant I had to sleep alone as I couldn't sleep with his snoring and being pregnant I needed the rest, so it was fine during that time. But we still sleep in separate rooms, and we haven't been intimate since I had our baby. We argue/bicker a lot now and its just draining me. I know having a baby can change a relationship and things aren't the same for a while, but this is just getting ridiculous. I know we are tired, but we are lucky as We have a great little boy who has always been a great sleeper thankfully (apart from the odd time when sick etc).

We don't have much help with extended family, so we don't get much time together without the baby. We have had one weekend away on our own, which was 6 months ago, and it actually was really good. We were really relaxed and had a lovely time. But once we get home its back to stress. He runs a business which is stressful, and I try to understand, but I feel as though its always a competition as to who does more, who works harder etc. I work part-time since returning back to work, so I am home with the baby a couple of days and work the other days. I found it hard being home a lot and I feel like I might have had a big of post natal depression, which he doesn't really seem to care about. He is a great dad obviously, but I just don't think he understands how I feel.

I have suggested marriage counselling, but he thinks its all me and I should speak to someone. I don't see the point going on my own if he isn't going to do anything to change. It can't be all me. I can't afford to go to a counsellor anyway. I just feel really low and on my own. I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to. He really doesn't care about our marriage any more. I am heartbroken at the thought of my marriage ending. I don't know what to do..

Mr. Incognito

I think you should go see you GP

If you are together 15 years and he thinks you have changed and you feel you might have Post Natal Depression I think you need to listen to yourself and to him and go see your GP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying.

I feel like its being pushed on me to make all the effort & seek help, despite the fact he can be so rude to me. But despite that, I think I've put off talking to my GP for quite a long time. I probably did have PND, and now I am probably just past that and just feeling low & depressed at times. I did have depression years ago and I was managing. But I think all the fertility struggles etc have put such a strain on both my mental health, and our marriage. I don't cope very well with stress anymore and I get overwhelmed quite often.

Being a mother was what I wanted for so long, but it hasn't been easy either. I'm almost 42, and would love another, but it totally scares the life out of me too as I dont know how I will cope as I have had plenty of times where I've found it so hard. I question how anyone with more than 1 child even does it! I then feel so guilty at feeling that way. Then there's the issue of whether I will have issues conceiving again.
Obviously until we sort out our issues, and mine, having another child isn't even an option!

I'm scared to go to my GP, probably because I don't want to admit there's an issue.

Neyite

You've had nearly a decade of very stressful moments. Firstly fertility treatments can be extremely stressful, expensive and gruelling hormonally and when it does work you are right into pregnancy and all that entails, symptoms wise, then followed by childbirth and now you are in the throes of the toddler years.

It sounds exhausting. You both sound exhausted. All that stuff is all-consuming. But also you sound like a lot of couples who find the toddler years very tough but mostly wobble back on track at some point. So while this might be a rough patch, it may not necessarily be the end.

I would suggest that you take the initiative. He could be as terrified as you that your marriage is in bits, but not seeing how counselling can help. He may have taken you moving out of the bedroom as a form of rejection - and one he really couldn't address at the time given you were finally pregnant with a much wanted baby for you both. And bringing it up afterwards to a post-partum mum? Not good timing there either. And with you not moving back into his bed at any point in the last few years, he's probably wondering wtf has happened, and to him, it's all mixed up in you becoming a mother, so in his mind it's the fallout from that ergo it is you that needs to change. I'm not saying he's right, but I can see where the thought process might have lead if you know what I mean.

You don't want this marriage to end, but you want to fix it. One of you has to blink first. By showing that you are willing to reflect or try to pick out where you guys went off the rails you might end up showing him how beneficial it is. Even if just you attends, it still helps you to set your thoughts out and unravel them and give you the communication skills to talk to him. And if he sees how it's helping you, then he might get on board with attending a session himself or with you.

sbsquarepants

GuardianAngel needed wrote: »

Being a mother was what I wanted for so long, but it hasn't been easy either. I'm almost 42, and would love another, but it totally scares the life out of me too as I dont know how I will cope as I have had plenty of times where I've found it so hard. I question how anyone with more than 1 child even does it! I then feel so guilty at feeling that way. Then there's the issue of whether I will have issues conceiving again.

I'm not a mother (I'm a bloke!) but I have young kids and great as they are - they are relentless, it's not bloody easy! Anyone who thinks it is, is either extremely lucky or just hasn't tried it!

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel bad about finding it tough going!

I would say go and have a chat with your GP - that's what they're there for. One thing is for certain, you'll be no worse off for doing it!

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

You've had nearly a decade of very stressful moments. Firstly fertility treatments can be extremely stressful, expensive and gruelling hormonally and when it does work you are right into pregnancy and all that entails, symptoms wise, then followed by childbirth and now you are in the throes of the toddler years.

It sounds exhausting. You both sound exhausted. All that stuff is all-consuming. But also you sound like a lot of couples who find the toddler years very tough but mostly wobble back on track at some point. So while this might be a rough patch, it may not necessarily be the end.

I would suggest that you take the initiative. He could be as terrified as you that your marriage is in bits, but not seeing how counselling can help. He may have taken you moving out of the bedroom as a form of rejection - and one he really couldn't address at the time given you were finally pregnant with a much wanted baby for you both. And bringing it up afterwards to a post-partum mum? Not good timing there either. And with you not moving back into his bed at any point in the last few years, he's probably wondering wtf has happened, and to him, it's all mixed up in you becoming a mother, so in his mind it's the fallout from that ergo it is you that needs to change. I'm not saying he's right, but I can see where the thought process might have lead if you know what I mean.

You don't want this marriage to end, but you want to fix it. One of you has to blink first. By showing that you are willing to reflect or try to pick out where you guys went off the rails you might end up showing him how beneficial it is. Even if just you attends, it still helps you to set your thoughts out and unravel them and give you the communication skills to talk to him. And if he sees how it's helping you, then he might get on board with attending a session himself or with you.

Thank you. Your words made a lot of sense. I do think things took their toll on my mental health, and I basically tried to push it all down. I think I felt like I should be grateful we finally had a baby, and not get down as I had already shed enough tears over it all. But as anyone, you can't bottle it up forever. I take my frustrations out on my husband instead of talking to him calmly. I get upset over tiny things and fear I am just getting worse. I guess I can't see what he sees, which is someone who is obviously unhappy. I wish I had admitted to my GP or PHN sooner that I wasn't as ok as I let on.

I am going to bite the bullet and ring my GP. I need to do something or we are done.
To clarify about the sleeping arrangements, I more or less asked him to sleep in the spare room over his snoring, being pregnant & hormonal, I couldn't put up with it like I had done. I've now got so used to sleeping on my own, that I prefer it. Its hard enough having to wake a few times a night to a baby, and I'm so tired all the time as it is, that any more break in sleep and I would crack! I think he likes not being prodded and moaned at all night too!
For now, I need to sort my head out. I think I've realised today that if I'm in a bit of a haze with how I feel, that its not going to end well either way and its not fair on my little boy who has seen me cry too many times already. He's at that age where even at 2, he knows I'm upset and says 'mama sad'...which breaks my heart.

Thanks again for your advise, its given me a push I need!

LegacyUser

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm not a mother (I'm a bloke!) but I have young kids and great as they are - they are relentless, it's not bloody easy! Anyone who thinks it is, is either extremely lucky or just hasn't tried it!

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel bad about finding it tough going!

I would say go and have a chat with your GP - that's what they're there for. One thing is for certain, you'll be no worse off for doing it!

Thank you. I feel so much better for posting here. I was really nervous about it, and have put it off for a while. I think typing it out made me realise what I have to do. The responses have been really helpful and also very understanding.
Thanks