Family hates my partner

Plodalong

I have been with my partner for 18 years and have 2 daughters together. We both also have one child each from previous relationships who are both 20 years old. Over the years there have been, as in many relationships, plenty of dramas! Unfortunately, I saw fit to share each and every 'drama' with my family. I suffered from severe depression in the early stages of our relationship, the first 3-5 years were particularly difficult, but I feel that I have gained the tools to deal with my depression effectively since then.
However, my family hate my partner. I am not here to paint him as a saint, but we have dealt with our issues, many caused by him, and we have moved on. My family, it seems, cannot.
We have lived with my Mother, in her house, for the last 3 years, with a few teething problems but generally we all get on well. My sister moved back home 18 months ago and now the proverbial has hit the fan.
She cannot abide him. My Mother has admitted that now she can't either, no matter how hard she tries. And my other 2 siblings feel the same. My Mother has said this dislike is all based on the past problems we had and though i ' seem to have conveniently forgotten about them' they cannot. We need to move out but are not in a financial position to do so at the moment as i am out of work.
What do I do? I cannot bear the silent treatment or hostile environment we are living in any longer and it is not the best place for 9 and 6 year old girls to grow up in.

Vicxas

Honestly, if the hostility has been there for 18 years not much is going to change.

Also living at home is not going to help as everyone is in a confined space with no room to decompress.

Sephiroth_dude

Plodalong wrote: »

I have been with my partner for 18 years and have 2 daughters together. We both also have one child each from previous relationships who are both 20 years old. Over the years there have been, as in many relationships, plenty of dramas! Unfortunately, I saw fit to share each and every 'drama' with my family. I suffered from severe depression in the early stages of our relationship, the first 3-5 years were particularly difficult, but I feel that I have gained the tools to deal with my depression effectively since then.
However, my family hate my partner. I am not here to paint him as a saint, but we have dealt with our issues, many caused by him, and we have moved on. My family, it seems, cannot.
We have lived with my Mother, in her house, for the last 3 years, with a few teething problems but generally we all get on well. My sister moved back home 18 months ago and now the proverbial has hit the fan.
She cannot abide him. My Mother has admitted that now she can't either, no matter how hard she tries. And my other 2 siblings feel the same. My Mother has said this dislike is all based on the past problems we had and though i ' seem to have conveniently forgotten about them' they cannot. We need to move out but are not in a financial position to do so at the moment as i am out of work.
What do I do? I cannot bear the silent treatment or hostile environment we are living in any longer and it is not the best place for 9 and 6 year old girls to grow up in.

Could you get someone in who is neutral and will act as a mediator so ye can sit down and talk things out? nothing worse than living in a toxic environment.

Addle

You can't take back what you told them about your partner.
Your mother can't hate him that much if she let you move in with her.
Under her roof, i think you just have to do as much as you can for her, and give them as much space as possible. Don't give her a current reason not to like him.
I know it'll be difficult, but it is her house.

seamus

Families, parents in particular, often have longer memories than we do about the people that have wronged us. Because as 3rd parties they do have the privilege of not having to "get over it", and are not privy to the things which the individual has done to atone for their wrongs.

To be fair, it sounds like your family are doing what they can. You can't force them to like your partner, but at least it's not descending into arguments or open hostility. Your mother has kept a hold of her tongue for 3 years in her own house, which is an illustration that she's trying for your sake and that of your girls.

Ultimately whether you move out or not, your family are going to have to get past this. They're going to have to accept that he's hanging around and he's the father of your two girls. Ask them what they would do if something were to happen to you? Would they just not see their grandchildren/nieces anymore because that would mean having to talk to your partner?

It sounds like you, your sibling and your mother need to take a day out, away from the house to talk about this and work out a way to make this work. Four (five?) adults and two children in one house leaves very little room for stress relief, unless you're living in mansion. An undercurrent of contempt is good for nobody's mental health.

Paddy Cow

It's a really tough situation and ultimately you are going to have to move out. Can you have a conversation with your mother where you explain that you will move out but you have to save up to do so and in the mean time, can everyone call a truce for the younger two?

Your partner wasn't a saint in the past and you have learned the hard way that bitching to your family means they will take against him. You have to get across to your mother that you haven't 'conveniently forgotten about them' but you and your partner have worked through your issues, otherwise you wouldn't have lasted 18 years.

I'm not going to ask what the issues were but depending what they were, your family might never get over it. If he cheated on you, they might in time over look it if he has been faithful since then. If he was abusive in anyway, that's not something family tend to forget. Ever.

Also try and talk to your sister and let her know that while you understand that she will never accept your partner, it's not healthy for two young girls to be in a house filled with tension.

All we can advise you here is to try and move out asap. Go to social welfare and talk to a community welfare officer and see if you would be able to get any help. It's a toxic environment for your kids and given your family's universal dislike of your partner, I can see the situation deteriorating. Your sister is obviously having an influence on your mother. She has gone from adjusting to living with you to bringing up past grievances. What would happen if your siblings talked your mother into turfing out your partner?

Would your partner moving out until you get on your feet financially be an option?

Plodalong

Thank you everyone for your advice. I feel very alone in all of this. It's all such a mess.

LegacyUser

I think your partner needs to move out as it is very unfair for your mother to host him for this long to be honest

Teyla Emmagan

I am kinda wondering what your partner is doing to improve the situation. Is he making a real effort to show your family that he is a decent person and the partner and father you and your kids deserve? Because I don't see him on here posting about the awful atmosphere at home. Your family may come around to him, but it will take huge work on his part. You don't mention how your mother and sister interact with him at all.

You have got to move out though, that's all there is to it.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't know if your partner needs to be bending over backwards to please your family. All couples have rows and problems and difficult periods. The problem here is that you told your family everything. And your family love you and don't want anyone mistreating you. You and your partner have moved on and worked on your relationship. It's nobody else's business. Unless he is abusive to you? Or a serial cheater?

I wouldn't like to think if me and my husband went through a rough time, that I would somehow be expected to prove myself to his family. If I prove myself to him, then that's what matters.

In saying that, I think you, your partner and your children need to look at how you might be able to move out as a family together and not depend so heavily on your family for support. It's not fair on your mam, our your partner.

Rubberchikken

Maybe time to consider moving on.
It cant be easy to live in someone elses home and while your mother might have been willing to give your partner a chance all it takes it your sister expressing her dislike of him to her, and it will happen, for your mother's mind to change.

Its also very hard for a family to see one of their own deal with issues with a partner and not feel negative towards that person. After all that person has or is causing their loved one upset.

sexmag

Bob6b wrote: »

I think your partner needs to move out as it is very unfair for your mother to host him for this long to be honest

This is awfule advice and this person clearly isnt thinking about HIS children in this

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I am kinda wondering what your partner is doing to improve the situation. Is he making a real effort to show your family that he is a decent person and the partner and father you and your kids deserve? Because I don't see him on here posting about the awful atmosphere at home. Your family may come around to him, but it will take huge work on his part. You don't mention how your mother and sister interact with him at all.

You have got to move out though, that's all there is to it.

Maybe he doesnt know boards.ie, let alone personal issues exist :rolleyes:

Op hasnt said how long ago these ups and downs happened other than that the two of them have worked through them and thats all that matters, its nobody elses business.

OP the simple fact is, for you and your family to ultimately be happy yous will have to move out and set up your own family dynamic, have a chat with your mam and let them know thats the plan and what yous are working towards

Plodalong

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I am kinda wondering what your partner is doing to improve the situation. Is he making a real effort to show your family that he is a decent person and the partner and father you and your kids deserve? Because I don't see him on here posting about the awful atmosphere at home. Your family may come around to him, but it will take huge work on his part. You don't mention how your mother and sister interact with him at all.

You have got to move out though, that's all there is to it.

Yes. He is making a real effort and my Mother has admitted that, despite his efforts she just can't bring herself to like him. Especially now that my sister has voiced her hatred of him. Their interaction with him is to ignore him.

Plodalong

sexmag wrote: »

This is awfule advice and this person clearly isnt thinking about HIS children in this



Maybe he doesnt know boards.ie, let alone personal issues exist :rolleyes:

Op hasnt said how long ago these ups and downs happened other than that the two of them have worked through them and thats all that matters, its nobody elses business.

OP the simple fact is, for you and your family to ultimately be happy yous will have to move out and set up your own family dynamic, have a chat with your mam and let them know thats the plan and what yous are working towards

Thanks sexmag! That is our plan now. We were asked to move in because she (mum) was lonely and suggested it would be an opportunity for us to save for a deposit as we were renting. We have invested a fair amount of money in the house which would have been a fairly big chunk of a deposit if we had stayed where we were! But i am trying hard not to feel bitter about all of this and fall out with my mum and siblings. Ultimately, I have to think of my own family and mental health now and move out.

.......

Plodalong wrote: »

Yes. He is making a real effort and my Mother has admitted that, despite his efforts she just can't bring herself to like him. Especially now that my sister has voiced her hatred of him. Their interaction with him is to ignore him.

So your mum was lonely and invited you both to move in. Did she only develop her dislike of him after living with him? But yet she says its because of the past? Something isnt adding up here?

It seems simple enough that you and he need to move out if the person who is hosting you doesnt like him?

Why were you investing money in someone elses house - especially when she didnt like your partner?

goat2

there are too many people in that house
Moving out is the only way to move on
Those children are not in a good place if there is bickering about their dad
it is unfair for them