A very difficult situation

LegacyUser

Hi all

Going anon here, basically im in a very difficult place in my life and relationship, with my girlfriend for 8 years with young child, the issue, basically she has zero interest in me physically and we don’t have sex, i feel like i may aswell be an 90 year old man as she just has zero interest in me that way, gone now to maybe once every six months, this was always a problem well since a year of dating which bit by bit slowly declined, Ii love her however it’s gone on so long that now I no longer initiate and no longer have any interest in initiating sex with her, it reached this place over a long period of rejection that now I’ve hit the whats the point she doesn’t like it why bother, we have spoken about it many times and she knows she has a big problem with it but just says I could go years without it, she’s just extremely prudish about it and doesn’t like it. Now I’ve never cheated on her, the weird thing is I’m not a bad looking guy and have had the opportunity to stray but I’ve shunned advances as I don’t want to cheat it’s not the way I want to go however I would be lying to say I wasn’t tempted particularly lately but again that’s not going to do any of us any good so it’s not going to happen.

The big issue is that we have a young daughter and I feel terrified of breaking up the family and hurting her if I walk away I feel literally sick to my stomach of the storm I will bring down on us if I leave, we live in a place which I own and I believe my partner would not cope without me I have thought through the scenarios and toyed with leaving and finding a place for myself and giving my partner my house, also the shame etc that would bring down the judgement from friends is another big factor both families quite old school and of the era of people staying together even if it’s not working, I will lose a lot of people if I go ahead with this. The when are you tying the knot etc questions have been increasing since birth of our child but I feel it would be insane to go ahead with marriage with this predicament even though I can’t actually say that to extended family. I’ve gone into a state of deflecting which can’t last.

It initially hurt me with the constant rejections and I blame myself for staying in this before we got so deep but now I’m not even bothered to try, it’s just pointless and no longer feel that way about her, I’m late thirties and know this is just unnatural and wrong to live this way. I feel dead on the inside but have been putting on a front but I am internally breaking apart. I care about her and know she loves me on some level but there is just zero spark, a dull nothing, no flame. I watch tv shows were people have romance it kills me inside, I wake up every morning with a knot in my stomach and fear of what’s ahead for us and the hurt financial strain it will cause my daughter and partner If i walk, I don’t know what I’m looking for here I guess some outside perspective, I’m conflicted and wanted to put this down and get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading

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Kidchameleon

Christ op thats a horrible situation. Look its not your fault. Perhaps you should have spotted the red flags earlier but she is not pulling her weight. Have you suggested councelling? Surley she does not expect you to be celebate?

LegacyUser

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Christ op thats a horrible situation. Look its not your fault. Perhaps you should have spotted the red flags earlier but she is not pulling her weight. Have you suggested councelling? Surley she does not expect you to be celebate?

Thank you for the reply, yes she tried it before but counselling came to nothing, I think the old Catholic guilt thing has a part to play in it that somehow sex is something that’s embarrassing etc to talk about, it’s funny you say celibate the last row we had I basically said I’m facing rest of life as a celibate man and that seems almost like a prison sentence she listens but it fades back to were we where, she’s very kind and gentle and good to me in many ways just this side is simply not there, again I blame myself for a huge part of this for staying and not breaking free but now with a child the stakes are so much higher my folks won’t understand and will see me as a deadbeat who walked from his partner and child and also the same with her family some of who i would count as friends, I’ve created a limbo for myself that I’ve lived in for quite some time that i know I must change as it’s all taken a huge toll on me mentally and has robbed me of who i used to be.

Arrival

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Christ op thats a horrible situation. Look its not your fault. Perhaps you should have spotted the red flags earlier but she is not pulling her weight. Have you suggested councelling? Surley she does not expect you to be celebate?

This, women like this are either horrible or just stupidly oblivious. Yes, OP you should've realised early on that they're sexually incompatible but that can't be undone now, what can be done is how you deal with it. She says she can go years without it...okay? But where does this leave her man? Very ****ing selfish to just state this and not offer any kind of solution to the fact that her partner has needs that are going unfulfilled. You definitely need to sit her down and explain this to her because she's probably clueless. Tell her outright that either she goes to counselling with you for this and she works on improving this aspect of the relationship or she allows you to have an open relationship or the the relationship comes to an end.

Idle Passerby

Would she be amenable to you looking elsewhere for physical satisfaction? She might be happy to go without for years but it would be naive and selfish of her to expect you to just go along with that. She must be aware that if your not getting it at home there will be a temptation to stray. Its possible she'd be ok with you finding no strings elsewhere. Personally I think it would open a can of worms but it might be worth exploring before separation is suggested.

Neyite

Firstly, I think that you should set aside what extended family are likely to think. The only people who should be considered in this situation is you, your child and your girlfriend. We all start our families hoping that they work out for good, but life doesn't always work that way and that's just the way life is sometimes.

So, if it's not a medical or hormonal thing going on but more based on her upbringing then you might have a couple of options: the first is to stay in an open relationship, which in itself has many pitfalls that can occur, or split but maintain a flatmate/ shared parenting arrangement.

Has she expectations of marriage? Or potentially having another child? Or does she accept that to all intents and purposes, the two of you have no relationship. Would she be happy for you to discreetly get intimacy elsewhere?

zapper55

If she is quite prudish i wouldnt be inclined to suggest someone on the sjde. That could backfire should you split up.

Ghekko

Ask her to find another counsellor - someone who is specifically trained to deal with sexual issues. You could both attend a sex therapist then to see if you can get things back on track. If she doesn't agree to this then I don't see how you can continue with this relationship. You're young and you shouldn't be destined to a life of celibacy. Please forget about what other people think - that is none of your concern. They are not living your life and don't get a say. If she refuses to get help and you decide to break up, please get proper legal and financial advice. Do not offer to move out of your house. You will figure things out with the correct advice - access and maintenance etc. As for having an open relationship, she may not go for that seeing as you are the only one likely to see other people. In any case, you deserve to have a loving relationship with a woman who can share all your qualities, both emotional and physical, with you.

osarusan

Horrible situation OP.

I think you have to ask yourself if you can ever see things changing for the better, and if not, can you put up with things the way they are.

You can stay with her and try to improve things. Could you visit sex therapists, or check if there is something medical (maybe hormonal) that is a problem. Is she open to doing those things to try and make things better?

You can stay with her and accept that things never change for the better - can you live with that or is it going to leave you a bitter, angry person? Which wouldn't be fair to yourself or anybody else either.

Or is it something you simply cannot face indefinitely? And there's nothing wrong with that - it must be incredibly painful to know that the person you are (or at least were) so attracted to doesn't feel the same way about you at all. A kind of rejection every single day.

How does your partner feel about this? I mean, is it something she genuinely wishes was different, or does she fail to appreciate just how painful it is?

Paddy Cow

I'm going to go against the grain here because you have made it clear that you don't want to leave and you are not a cheater. Your partner isn't someone who you always had fantastic sex with and suddenly you're getting the cold shoulder. She's prudish and just doesn't like it. Someone that closed off isn't going to do well in talk therapy and ultimations will only put up further barriers.

Could you try intimacy without the expectation of sex? I'm talking about giving her a head and shoulder message. Done right they are very relaxing If she got used to you touching her in a none sexual way which makes her feel good, then you could move onto more intimate messages. She could also give you messages will she relaxes a little bit.

Don't make a big deal out of it, like "I know you don't like sex, so I'm going to give you a massage without the expectation that it leads somewhere". That just starts by highlighting the problem which induces anxiety. Look for spontaneous opportunities like if ye're on the couch watching a movie or if she comes in from a long day at work. When you start to message her shoulders and she thinks you are initiating sex, say something like "it's just a message so you can relax".

I don't know if that would get you anywhere and maybe you've already tried it already but if it's not something that is going to work for you, please do not try other options suggested such as open relationship or flat out cheating. Everyone on this board can tell you not to care about what other people think but that's irrelevant as none of us has to live your life. You are from a close family and you do care about how both sides of the family see you. If it comes to the point where you have to split, then it's a relationship that didn't work and people will get over that. If you are caught cheating, the fallout will have a huge effect on your mental health as you will always be seen as "the bad guy".

Your partner maybe asexual, something therapy and all the massages in the world won't change. She could be sexually repressed due to her religion which can be slowly overcome. Another option which I only suggest because you say she "just doesn't like it" is childhood sexual abuse. People who have experienced sexual trauma early in life, struggle to form healthy sexual relationships as adults. They see it as dirty and something to be ashamed about and often suffer in silence. I am not suggesting you ask your partner if she was abused and I'm only saying it as the phrase "she just doesn't like it" stuck out with me.

professore

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Would she be amenable to you looking elsewhere for physical satisfaction? She might be happy to go without for years but it would be naive and selfish of her to expect you to just go along with that. She must be aware that if your not getting it at home there will be a temptation to stray. Its possible she'd be ok with you finding no strings elsewhere. Personally I think it would open a can of worms but it might be worth exploring before separation is suggested.

This only works if its purely sex he's after. For me this would be no better than masturbation. I need a connection with my partner and he sounds the same.

LegacyUser

Hi folks

Thank you for all the replies, I have read through them all, I have felt a relief after putting it down, after some serious soul searching I do not think what is missing is salvageable, I’m drained with it all and have lost my spark for her now, I could put my head down and carry on but the reality I don’t see myself ever being happy with her because of this, it’s just not right and I’m sick of it. I don’t believe I will ever feel good about myself if I stay with her, We chatted through it further and there is no obvious reason for why she is this way again she never feels the urge and she never has even before me. I firmly believe its the Catholic thing, that church has repressed so many peoples feelings towards sex, she is of that stock, she doesn’t even see it herself but that’s the way I’m leaning.

My next step is to come up with an exit plan that makes it as soft as possible on all of us, I don’t want to pull the rug on her and my daughter so I’ve been looking more at the practicality of co parenting, luckily im in a decent place financially so I’ll be able to take care of my daughter even if I’m not there 24/7, it will be a slow transition but I think it’s the only way, I used to be very outgoing and positive I’ve become so negative and down I can’t continue on that path as it’s not good for me or any of us and I’ve decided to say f this I’m not continuing this way. I think what’s really amped up the pressure lately is the talk of marriage that has really made me face it head on, it would be wrong to marry under such circumstances and false and would be like signing my life away, I think I would end up being a very bitter husband angry with life by the time im 50 or sooner.

Someone mentioned about getting it elsewhere and it is one temporary solution but I’ve honestly no interest, I need to be with a woman who wants me, it’s tied into my self confidence/state of mind, being honest for now and for a while I don’t have an interest in going near the dating game. I just want to get us set up and work out co parenting etc

Thanks again folks really appreciate the advice. For anyone else having doubts about compatibility with their partner in the early days I would strongly suggest not letting it drift, it doesn’t get better only worse.

Ghekko

It's a shame things can't work out better for you but you are doing the right thing. She cannot expect that you'll stay with her, let alone marry her. Don't make any grand gestures of financial assistance, like giving her the house, out of guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Get the necessary legal advice on your rights as a dad, and how to move things forward.

never_mind

Wisdomseeker wrote: »

Hi folks

Someone mentioned about getting it elsewhere and it is one temporary solution but I’ve honestly no interest, I need to be with a woman who wants me, it’s tied into my self confidence/state of mind, being honest for now and for a while I don’t have an interest in going near the dating game. I just want to get us set up and work out co parenting etc

Thanks again folks really appreciate the advice. For anyone else having doubts about compatibility with their partner in the early days I would strongly suggest not letting it drift, it doesn’t get better only worse.

Can I just say that you are an absolute gentleman in how you are handling the situation. If only other people would take a leaf out of your book. Don't let yourself or your daughter down and stick to your principles. Fair play.