Another Long Distance One....

LegacyUser

Hello All,

I'm going out with my partner 8 months, everything is really really great. Had been single for 4 years before this and all but given up on meeting someone that I just clicked with. Couldn't be happier.
However they've been given this massive promotion at work which requires them to move half the world away, literally, 6 hour time difference, 14 hour flight. That means me coming in from work in the evening and them gone/going to bed.
On the one hand I'm genuinely delighted for them as its something they really want and will be really great for their career. On the other I'm a bit devastated. Says they wants nothing to change between us but I'm not sure how it wont, seeing someone maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
Meeting them tomorrow and have to pretend to be all excited about it. They want to go for celebratory drinks but they'll be the only one celebrating. I don't want to be selfish and ruin their excitement but to me its just the end of things with us. I cant see it working, can it?

zapper55

You'll probably get stories about how it worked out for people but really it's your personal preference. I did long distance in college and it was grand because we were studying or working in the evenings anyways so wouldn't have seen each other but I wouldn't do it long term now. And that was seeing someone every weekend.

But it's down to what your preference is. Also by applying for and choosing to take this job they've prioritised it over you. Grand for them but you didn't get any say.

Telly

My only long distance was Dublin and limerick and I found that hard sometimes. I’m not sure something so fresh can do the distance you’re talking about. Talk to them tomorrow and maybe try it for a bit but make it clear that of it becomes too hard you’ll both have to walk away and see what happens in the future in a few years? But obviously you won’t be waiting for each other.

Ursus Horribilis

Being honest, I think the odds are stacked against you too but I get the impression you're going to give it a go anyway. Reading your post, quite a few questions popped into my head about this. Such as, when did your partner go for this promotion? Did he/she talk about it before they applied? What did you have to say? Do you think they're as invested in the relationship as you are? How long do you think your partner will be living overseas and can you see them coming back? Are you open to moving out to them if the relationship manages to survive?

Your partner is being naive if he/she genuinely thinks nothing will change between you. If this has to have any chance at all, you're both going to have to be honest with each other and communicate well. Personally, I'd start tomorrow with those celebration drinks. I'm not saying you should sit there with a puss on you. I just don't think you should stick on a Polyanna head and pretend everything's great. It isn't and they need to know what they're losing.

Riskymove

is there any possibility of you moving over there at any point?
I know 8 months is maybe too soon but is it a possibility?

if it is then perhaps give the long distance a go for a while and maybe set a timeframe by when you either move or end things

osarusan

Your partner's incredibly naive belief that nothing will change would worry more than if they were realistic about it.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Being honest, I think the odds are stacked against you too but I get the impression you're going to give it a go anyway. Reading your post, quite a few questions popped into my head about this. Such as, when did your partner go for this promotion? Did he/she talk about it before they applied? What did you have to say? Do you think they're as invested in the relationship as you are? How long do you think your partner will be living overseas and can you see them coming back? Are you open to moving out to them if the relationship manages to survive?

Your partner is being naive if he/she genuinely thinks nothing will change between you. If this has to have any chance at all, you're both going to have to be honest with each other and communicate well. Personally, I'd start tomorrow with those celebration drinks. I'm not saying you should sit there with a puss on you. I just don't think you should stick on a Polyanna head and pretend everything's great. It isn't and they need to know what they're losing.

Yeah I was told about it a couple of months ago, wasn't really discussed, was just something they "had to do" Yes I really believe they are as invested as me. The job requires them to travel and I was made aware of this from the beginning. Guess I buried my head in the sand. The move is as long as they like, think there will always be the potential for travel. There is some scope for us to see each other a few times a year. I don't think they are being naive really just meant that nothing has to change between us as a couple and wants to try the long distance thing but realizes it will be tough. I don't know though, just worried that it will be too hard and I'm, selfishly, pissed off as well!

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure this person is as invested as you think they are? He/she made a life-changing decision without including you in it and he/she seems to think everything can continue. Why did he/she have to move to so far away? Could he/she not have held out for a position nearer to home? Nobody "has" to do anything and it looks like you're coming second to his/her career. You are not being selfish at all. I think most people in your position would be. Don't be afraid to communicate it to this partner of yours either. He/she can't just move away like this and think there are no consequences.

Magicmatilda

How often you see each other will change. How often you have sex will change. How often you are kissed will change. That's all pretty fundamental. When you are I'll they won't be there to kind you. When you are down, they won't be able to hug you. To say nothing will change is not naive, it is delusional.

I think long distance relationships only work when there is a clear plan and time frame for when you will reunite.

2ygb4cmqetsjhx

Magicmatilda wrote: »

How often you see each other will change. How often you have sex will change. How often you are kissed will change. That's all pretty fundamental. When you are I'll they won't be there to kind you. When you are down, they won't be able to hug you. To say nothing will change is not naive, it is delusional.

I think long distance relationships only work when there is a clear plan and time frame for when you will reunite.

Solid advice. Been in many long distance relationships. They totally suck. You need to have a clear plan to reunite. Otherwise it is a wasted of time.

skallywag

I've been through this from both perspectives, in that I have been the one doing the leaving and also the one who has been left behind then in a subsequent relationship years later (karma is most certainly alive and well!).

Both episodes ended in tears for the one left behind, and it is something that I would never put myself into again under any circumstances.

As already mentioned, unless there is a clear (and realistic!) plan to be reunited at a known point in time, then this situation just never works out. The person doing the leaving will normally do so with the best of intentions, but they are usually off to something new and exciting, while the other party is left behind, trying their best to put a brave face on it and smile while it's the last thing in the world they want to do. Without that solid plan in place to reunite then it's just all too easy for a head to be turned.

LegacyUser

Yeah there's no plan. See what happens. No idea as to how often we'll see each other. More or less "like it or lump it" Future seems very much dependent on them, where they'll be. I'll have to follow. Thing is I'm set up here, good job, my own home.
Really don't know what to do. Try long distance for a while and see?
Really fed up.

Sephiroth_dude

callingallcars wrote: »

More or less "like it or lump it" Future seems very much dependent on them, where they'll be. I'll have to follow.
Really fed up.

No plan? and with the above If it was me and that was their attitude I would walk.

Scarinae

I was nearly three years into a relationship with someone when they got a job offer on another continent. We were still quite young at that stage and neither of us wanted to stop the other from advancing our education/careers, so we went long distance for the next five years. We only saw each other a few times a year, and while I got some great holidays to places I may have never had a chance to see otherwise, I also spent a lot of time being lonely. He wasn't there when my grandfather died, when one of my friends died, he even missed my brother's wedding.

It got to a sort of stalemate situation when I didn't want to move to where he was because there were absolutely no job prospects for me there, and he didn't want to move back because this job was important to him. I'd ask when we were going to figure out a plan to live in the same country and I'd get vague responses like "We'll see". It was only when I got sick of it and couldn't see any solution other than breaking up (and he realised I was actually serious about it) that he started looking into moving somewhere that we could both work.

We actually ended up breaking up because he cheated on me - and funnily enough, once he was with this new girl he decided to move back to Ireland! So he was actually able to move back, but he couldn't be arsed making the effort just for me.

I'd be wary of the fact that he's not even open to discussion on the future - it's his decision and you just have to like it or lump it? You don't want to end up like I was, being strung along for years on vague implications that we'd work it out sometime in the unspecified future (or even worse, being a stopgap until he finds someone he likes better). If he's serious about the relationship, then you would factor into his decisions. I don't know how old you both are, but you said you have your own home which suggests you're not in your early 20s. How much time would you be willing to spend waiting to see if there's a place for you in his life? What if hanging on waiting for him stops you from meeting someone who actually would factor you into his future plans?

milli milli

Scarinae wrote: »

You don't want to end up like I was, being strung along for years on vague implications that we'd work it out sometime in the unspecified future (or even worse, being a stopgap until he finds someone he likes better).

Wise words, please take heed OP.
These people are known as ‘Stringers’ and are incredibly selfish to do this to their partners. Like this poster I was strung along by someone and when we went long distance, the relationship broke down. Five years of my life wasted and in my 20s when I could have met the right partner.
I think long distance will make or break a relationship. If it’s solid enough, it may withstand it, but if there are any cracks at all, then it’s the kiss of death.
I’m not really liking his attitude - it sounds like he’s keeping his options open. You probably need to have a proper chat.

mada82

I don’t think I’d enter a serious relationship with someone if they told me there was a possibility of them moving away with work. Seems a bit naive.

joeguevara

You call the person your partner. That seems more than bf/gf. 8 months is long enough to know if there is a real future as you don’t seem to be teenagers or early 20s.

The fact that you coming says a lot. Either you have ties here or it’s not really as important to them. Was it ever discussed. If not, looks like you have your answer. Don’t begrudge them their move but don’t put your life on hold if your not important enough to join them.


Disregard the above if there is a legitimate reason you couldn’t go I.e, a kid. Other than that make a decision. One last thing though. Have you considered that they wanted you to go but are scared to ask. Talk it out and don’t let them go without knowing everything. Life in limbo is ****e. Also you will start questioning them if they go out or why didn’t they reply to a message. No way to live your life.