I'm starting to grow tired of how my boyfriend acts

The Young Wan

We've been together over six months, and there's a lot that frustrates me. Overall, he is a lovely guy, very supportive, and has helped me with a lot of issues. But there are niggles.

He doesn't have very good standards of cleaning. Often the dishes can be left on the sideboard for DAYS with food left in them. He does the dishes maybe once or twice a week when they all pile up. He's often complained how come people with much bigger apartments or houses than his can keep on top of it, but he can't.

Another thing is that he can be quite lazy at times. Take last night for example. We went to do groceries after work, with the intention to cook dinner and eat together. We got home at seven, and he went to take a nap until 9.15. By then, it was too late to eat.

Today we both have the day off work. I would have loved to do something together. Get out of the house, go for a walk. Instead, he and I watched two episodes of Brooklyn 9 9 and he's taking another nap while I read on the couch.

I know people talk about the honeymoon phrase ending, but is this really how it's supposed to be? Or am I just setting my standards too high?

LuckyLloyd

Have you discussed these things with him directly?

Telly

That would drive me nuts to tbh. Have you spoken to him about all this? If not then you need to have a chat and explain to him what you’d like from this relationship. It could be a case that maybe you’re not well matched or maybe he needs a little nudge to do things?

Faith

Why is he napping until 9.15. What time does he go to bed and get up then?

ElizaBennett

Does he possibly have a health issue causing this sleepiness and lethargy? Or maybe he's just gotten into bad habits. If you decided to go out and do something would he want to come with you to spend time with You?

Kidchameleon

Theres no way you should be living together after just 6 months. You need to know each other before such a big step to avoid situations like the one you are in now. Id bet that you are both just incompatable

SirChenjin

I'd be wondering about health issues also. That sounds like excessive tiredness, to need naps like that.
The cleaning thing, (or lack of) sounds very off putting, to leave stuff around for days.
Definitely need to have a chat about that, in my opinion.

Mrcaramelchoc

Living together after 6 months jaysus no way.you stay a night or two together at most every two weeks or so and go from there.
You know nothing about his living habits and he doesn't know about yours.
Have you ever heard the saying if you want to know me come live with me.

Ursus Horribilis

https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057872452

Is it this guy you posted about before? How did you end up living together so soon? Looks like you've bitten off more than you can chew.

Wesser

Every time a thread like this comes up someone suggests medical issues.
Sounds to me like he is just lazy and loves doing nothing.
How on earth would a medical issue explain you not being able to rinse your dish.

Paddy Cow

He sounds lazy and inconsiderate. You can't change him and talking to him might see improvements for a short time but he will revert to type. It's only been 6 months. You have to ask yourself can you continue to live like this or should you cut your loses before you're too emotionally involved. Look to the future. Imagine having a kid with him and he does absolutely nothing apart from contributing to the chaos of having a kid.

TheChizler

This all sounds very normal to me OP. I'm just sitting down to dinner now cause neither of us have got our act together till now. Some people just have different standards, some people can put up with a mess, others have to clear it first opportunity. You read, he naps. The important thing is to communicate and work together on things that cause aggravation. There is a middle ground and maybe you can both work towards it.

LegacyUser

Are you living together OP? It sounds like it from your post. This does seem quite early in a relationship to move in, but each to their own. I personally love the dating stage before it gets all serious. I love the anticipation of not having seen him for a few days and then going on dates and catching up!

However, laziness and lack of cleanliness like that would really bother me from the get-go.

Did you tell him you'd like to go out today with him? Or did you tell him you were hungry for dinner the other evening before he went for his nap?

I ask because the biggest thing I've learned in my relationship experience so far is that it is important to at least ask for what we want/need. We may not get it all the time, but at least that way we're giving ourselves the best shot at getting what we want. Nobody can read our minds. I noticed with the last guy I dated that for some reason I expected him to know what I wanted without specifically asking for it. As a result I'd let him call the shots without stating what was important to me. And I started resenting him. I'm still learning to do this, and it can be terrifying because of the fear of rejection. But when it works out (which with my latest guy is the majority of the time!) it is great! The risk is well worth it. But if he was to say "no" the majority of the time, or make me feel like I was asking too much, I would probably have to walk away.

Hope that makes sense. Best of luck OP.

The Young Wan

I think I've accidentally given the impression we live together. We don't. I have my own place, and stay with him 2-3 nights a week.

I spoke with him yesterday about how I was feeling. He knew it would be annoying, but he hadn't considered how much. Before we were together, he lived alone for seven years, so may have fallen into old habits again. Last night, we went out to dinner together and it was nice. He even said himself it was good to get out of the house

Paddy Cow

The Young Wan wrote: »

I think I've accidentally given the impression we live together. We don't. I have my own place, and stay with him 2-3 nights a week.

I spoke with him yesterday about how I was feeling. He knew it would be annoying, but he hadn't considered how much. Before we were together, he lived alone for seven years, so may have fallen into old habits again. Last night, we went out to dinner together and it was nice. He even said himself it was good to get out of the house

Living alone allows you the freedom to be completely yourself. I live alone but I don't let the dishes pile up. I generally wash as I use. I don't want to be encouraging flies or any other nasties.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Is it a possibility that he smokes a big ol bunch of weed? That really sounds like a stoner lifestyle and attitude to me. I've seen the odd relationship longer than yours where one party was a heavy smoker and the other had no idea.

The Young Wan

Cade Modern Sensor wrote: »

Is it a possibility that he smokes a big ol bunch of weed? That really sounds like a stoner lifestyle and attitude to me. I've seen the odd relationship longer than yours where one party was a heavy smoker and the other had no idea.

No, he doesn't smoke weed.

Corb_lund

If it is his place, what's the issue, you're not living together so its style. If and when you move in together is when it comes to be an issue.

The constant lethargy is weird though, would prob be worth seeing doctor about in a general sense. You shouldn't assuming you're both in twenties need to be resting before doing things!

That or you are blind and are actually dating a sloth?

sReq | uTeK

The Young Wan wrote: »

I think I've accidentally given the impression we live together. We don't. I have my own place, and stay with him 2-3 nights a week.

I spoke with him yesterday about how I was feeling. He knew it would be annoying, but he hadn't considered how much. Before we were together, he lived alone for seven years, so may have fallen into old habits again. Last night, we went out to dinner together and it was nice. He even said himself it was good to get out of the house

Okay, so 6 months with you, 7 months with his own ways. Habits don't change in 6 months. Especially habits in your own house. These are things you absolutely should talk about but don't expect them to change overnight.

witchgirl26

The Young Wan wrote: »

Today we both have the day off work. I would have loved to do something together. Get out of the house, go for a walk. Instead, he and I watched two episodes of Brooklyn 9 9 and he's taking another nap while I read on the couch.

OP this bit stood out to me. You wanted to do something together but did you actually arrange anything or go "right lets get up and go for a walk" and were shot down for it? Or did you just go along with sitting there?

Not going to lie, I've been guilty of that in the past - complaining we're not doing things but not actually sorting out anything to do or give the kickstart to do them.

In terms of the dishes - yes that would annoy the hell out of me but maybe helping him out in terms of washing them up when you both eat together straight away at his so that maybe he gets into the habit of just washing when he's done. That said, if he's been living alone for 7 years, some of the habits are going to be hard to break. Hell I only lived alone for 2 years and 6 years later, there are still some habits that pop up!

Always Tired

if you can't accept these things then it probably won't work out. he'll just eventually see you as a nag, you'll see him as a slob, lazy, etc.

some people have a harder time keeping on top of household chores, and some need more sleep than others. to people who don't have a hard time and don't need so much sleep, it looks like laziness. it can be indicative of low grade depression (dysthymia), or sometimes it's an indicator of high creativity.

ive been the sloppy guy and it's driven some girls i was with nuts, whereas to me, I didn't see the big deal (i wouldn't let things get gross to where there was things growing on plates/flies spawning from rubbish, just cluttered, disorganized etc, and im an artist who collects odd things for god knows what reason). now that I'm a bit older i am better at doing chores, but not great at it, honestly.

i had a gf once who who always complained that i left the knife on the kitchen counter after buttering my toast. I did my best to improve, stopped doing it for a while, but one day I forgot.

she literally cried, and gave me the silent treatment.

did she have a point? yes. did i think there was any point staying with her after that? nope. i ended it.

and if someone had a problem with me taking a nap? well don't bother waking me, just see yourself out and don't slam the door please.

you could always try withholding sex if the dishes aren't done, tell him the mess turns you off.

Dial Hard

Always Tired wrote:

you could always try withholding sex if the dishes aren't done, tell him the mess turns you off.

I presume the poster was being facetious, but this is still quite literally the worst advice ever. So on the off-chance someone naive enough to actually consider this is reading: don't do this.

professore

Dial Hard wrote: »

I presume the poster was being facetious, but this is still quite literally the worst advice ever. So on the off-chance someone naive enough to actually consider this is reading: don't do this.

The rest of his post was spot on though. You won't change a messy person into a tidy one or vice versa without a lot of pain and misery on both sides.

mada82

I’ve learned that some people just aren’t compatible when it comes to tidiness. You won’t be able to change them so it’s a question of how big a deal it is for you.

I don’t like untidiness and it’s wrecked my head in previous relationships.

Dial Hard

professore wrote:

The rest of his post was spot on though. You won't change a messy person into a tidy one or vice versa without a lot of pain and misery on both sides.

I dunno. I wouldn't have been the cleanest/tidiest person in my teens and early 20s, but I grew out of it.

dudara

How old is he? His behaviour doesn’t sound atypical for a young man in his 20s. But if it was an older man, I’d be expecting a bit more.