Is this a sexual compatibillty issue

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend almost a year. We are really in love and very happy.

We aren't living together but we stay together 3 nights a week and would average sex about 4 times a week.

I enjoy our sex life and I know he does too.

The problem is that he has a condition that makes climax quite difficult, it happens (unless he's drunk) but it can take a very long time and 80% of the time as I have better physical fitness it will be me on top...it's fine, I can live with all of this, happily, I take great joy in being able to pleasure him but I do wonder why he never ever asks or wonders if I have climaxed. One of the things he really enjoys is a hand-job or blow job and while he'll encourage me to do this...and he'll cuddle me and stuff he just wouldn't engage with me sexually at all. It's like I'm just there to service him.

It's weird because it's not fitting with the rest of our relationship, he is an incredibly kind, committed, genuine and caring guy. But it's almost gone on so long I have no idea how to address it? I mean, do I just accept it? I'm probably a lot more sexually experienced than him, so, it could be nerves, I know he's self-concious about the time it takes for him to climax so maybe it hasn't occured to him about my needs, but his are so important to me, I can't quite get my head around it.

Really, I'm wondering if there is a way to bring this up without sounding like I'm being selfish, or critical or horrible

notsoyoungwan

Why on earth should you just accept it? Presumably he’s a reasonably intelligent adult and it shouldn’t be news to him that women like to orgasm too.

I wouldn’t see it as a compatibility issue and would instead view it as him being selfish and crap in bed, tbh.

LuckyLloyd

Best thing you can do is to bring it up and discuss with him - not before / after / during but at the next opportunity you're hanging out together generally. Him having an issue may affect his view of sex generally, but it might also be a simple case of previous partners failing to point it out to him. We don't really know what we're doing in any aspect of life unless we get experience at it and feedback on it. Sex is no different. If he's a good man like you paint him to be and your relationship is solid you'll be able to discuss this and work through it, no big deal.

All I can say for certain is that hoping he'll catch on and change his behaviour himself is going to fail. You need to communicate on this like anything else, and you have every right to have physical pleasure reciprocated (barring any specific reason why it cannot). Best of luck.

Addle

He's probably just clueless OP.
It's give and take so you're not being selfish by bringing it up.
Bet he'll want to please you as much as you please him.
So just start with... it would be a real turn in if you did xxxx...

sexmag

Theres one thing in your post you havent said....have you mentioned this to him?

He may be a bit oblivious to your situation, he may not know if you are or arent climaxing,its not all screams and shouts for every one.

Just sit down and say "you know how you love me going down on you....well i love it too and i love to climax, we should take turns"

Or maybe just (not to be crude) go down on him and then 69 him, he might get the idea then

professore

You need to talk to him about it. People aren't mind readers. If it takes him a long time to climax he might have hangups around sex. This might explain him not talking about it afterwards too.

You don't say how old you are. This would be typical of someone raised in a very strict religious setting, i.e. 70s and 80s Catholic ireland.

Southwest Alaska

He's not a mind reader, if there's a problem you need to communicate that.

GingerLily

Southwest Alaska wrote: »

He's not a mind reader, if there's a problem you need to communicate that.

He's not a mind reader, but it's incredibly selfish to only satisfy yourself, the OP is right to be annoyed.
Hopefully a conversation can fix this.

ElizaBennett

I'm all for doing a fun 'post mortem' after the fact. My partner and I started doing that right from the beginning as we found it fun and it made us feel closer. So we'll talk about how much we enjoyed what just happened and why - eg 'I loved when you held my neck - that felt so good' etc etc - you get the picture. It's a really intimate thing to do and the timing feels good right after you've been so close, - this could work for you as an approach provided at least some parts of the experience were pleasurable.

Do you talk much during sex? This would be helpful too. If you haven't up to now, you could slowly introduce a bit of sexy talk that could then involve some fun 'instruction' on what you'd like done to you, interspersed with a commentary on what you're doing to him and what you're going to do next. You could also actually show him. This is all part of the experience and moves it from quite nice to truly awesome as you're getting just what you want and communicating well enough that you're both having a great time.

Corb_lund

Could it be a fear of getting pregnant? If its easier with mouth/hand suggests either a deathgrip/psychological familiarity, or possibly a latent fear of potential results?

P.s completely agree with previous poster, having a casual chat afterwards really helps clear issues up and increases intimacy.

ManOfMystery

If he's generally not selfish by nature (in fact, quite the opposite by what you said) then I doubt very much he flicks a selfish switch when he gets into bed with you.

It's more likely that he lacks confidence in the bedroom, and is perhaps self-conscious about taking the lead or initiating new things. I have been in a similar situation albeit it was the other way round and I was doing all the 'work'. Talking about this may help; discuss things he'd like to try, any fantasies he has, try and engage him as much as possible and some positive feedback may work wonders also.

It's also a possibility that it may be a physical issue; I don't mean a medical problem or anything, but more one of what position he finds best. Some men can struggle to maintain an erection in certain positions or find it difficult to climax in certain positions, and perhaps you on top is what works best for him - but because he takes a long time to climax, the effect on you is a little draining.

pwurple

Sounds like he may have learned about sex primarily from porn, before going near a real woman. Does he still use porn do you know?