Boyfriend took cocaine... not sure what to do

sarahf2k16

Hi there, hoping for some advice.

I've been seeing someone for the past 5-6 months. Prior to us dating, my BF had a problem with cocaine (daily/weekly). He stopped after being arrested for possession 7 months ago and has been off it since. He got his court summons on Friday and ended up going out and taking cocaine that night. I didn't go out and would have no idea he had taken it except he told me and was very upset/angry he did it after all this time.

I'm not sure how to approach the situation, I want to be supportive and help but do not want to condone this behaviour as he will learn nothing from the experience if he does not realise the consequences. I have told him I'm not mad, just worried and need a few days to think with no contact. He is really upset that he has worried and so he should be.

I want to support him but also want him to understand there is consequecnes for his actions.

I suggested he go to a NA meeting but doubt he will try it. I am sober over 2 years and do attend AA meetings from time to time. Given this, I can understand how difficult it is to abstain from addiction and it is the first time he has tried to stop.

It is just hard to know how I can help him. Wondering if anyone has any advice from past experiences.

Thanks,
Sarah.

c montgomery

<SNIP>

Life's too short and there's plenty other's out there, if there's no kids involved walk.

Telly

He made a mistake which happens to all of us. Let him know you’re not impressed and you’ll put it to bed if he can promise not to slip up again. If he does then walk but give him a second chance I reckon.

Arrival

c montgomery wrote: »

Life's too short and there's plenty other's out there, if there's no kids involved walk.

I'm curious about why your advice is so coldly concise? If the OP had said her partner struggled with alcohol addiction would you be telling her to walk away so hastily also?

sarahf2k16

Arrival wrote: »

I'm curious about why your advice is so coldly concise? If the OP had said her partner struggled with alcohol addiction would you be telling her to walk away so hastily also?

Thanks Arrival!

We are 26. I am sober over 2 years (after some failed attempts) and know if I had a relapse he would be very supportive and would give me a second chance. I'm just not sure what boundaries to set before giving him a second chance or what other resources are out there for drug addiction as I don't think he's ready for NA yet and I don't want to force him to go as he needs to want to go himself.

zapper55

He was arrested for possession and still he hasn't gone to NA. What else needs to happen for him to hit rock bottom and realise he needs help?

Would it make you more likely to relapse if he doesn't get help? A few months in I'd cut your losses. And yeah I'd say the same about an alcoholic too.

December2012

Your sobriety is more important than his.

He is not ready to stop. Maybe he never will.

He has my sympathy bit he's not here asking for help. You are.

And it is different to alcohol addiction as it's a crime. Do you want to be visiting him in prison?

Protect your sobriety, protect your heart.

Walk away. You can't fix him, save him or change him.

zoobizoo

Was he drinking when he took it?

professore

OP since you've had addiction problems yourself I think he is the worst possible partner for you. He's not going to change. I would leave him.and find someone who doesn't have addiction issues - or at least life destroying ones. There are lots out there.

You are doing great, you need encouragement in a supportive environment. Not this.

I have seen too many marriages and children's lives destroyed by addiction. Don't become another statistic.

leggo

I was with someone who was around that scene and did stuff herself before and it's horrible. When we started dating she was very up front, she said it was in her past but then she did hang out with people that still did it and, looking back in hindsight, I'm 90% sure it never stopped she just kept it quiet from me. At one party we went to after a big fight, I didn't want to keep the tension going even though it was an issue for me, so I gave her an inch and the lightest of blessings (something like "I won't give you **** if you do some tonight") and she went wild on it. Seeing her do it was disgusting tbh and made me lost a lot of attraction towards her. We'd get into mental gaslighting situations where I'd be texting her normally and mention a mate of hers that's mad for coke and she'd flip at me saying they weren't, even though the night before she'd said that they were, because I think she was afraid of texting it for...evidence or something?

When you're dealing with users, you're dealing with this cloud of secrecy and lies too and it's difficult to know what's true and not while you're still invested and want to believe them (then you finish it and move away from it emotionally and the extent they were lying to you becomes much clearer). I couldn't do it again personally, although having that experience helped me so much afterwards in that when someone would tip-toe around drugs etc on Tinder dates, I'd be able to spot it a mile off now. The conversation will often go like, "Some of my friends are into it but I'm not...are you?" Then if you say you are, I think they'll talk more frankly knowing they won't get judged, but if you say you aren't they shut down and lie to you.

For your situation OP, I think you've got to look at your own situation having been through addiction and ask if being around someone else's struggles while you try stay on the wagon is the ideal environment for you? Could you possibly be a bit co-dependent without realising and perhaps get some confidence/strength from being the one in the relationship who's strong? That's a dangerous and unhealthy situation. Do you have any self-esteem issues at play that might be keeping you there where you may otherwise run because you feel you can't do better or don't deserve to because you've had your own reasons? These are all very deep and personal questions I know, so I'm not asking you to answer publicly, just in your own head. If it makes it easier (because we can go through denial when asking ourselves these tough questions, I've been there), then simply ask yourself is there any other reason you're still with him after this relapse beyond "I want to be and my life is better with him in it"?

TheBoyConor

He's a junkie scumbag. Dump him and find someone who doesn't have all these criminal addition issues.

Have more self respect than to let the likes of this waster inflict himself upon your life.

Augme

professore wrote: »

OP since you've had addiction problems yourself I think he is the worst possible partner for you. He's not going to change. I would leave him.and find someone who doesn't have addiction issues - or at least life destroying ones. There are lots out there.

You are doing great, you need encouragement in a supportive environment. Not this.

I have seen too many marriages and children's lives destroyed by addiction. Don't become another statistic.

The funny thing is you would obviously have said the same thing about the OP after she had her first relapse.

Arrival

TheBoyConor wrote: »

He's a junkie scumbag. Dump him and find someone who doesn't have all these criminal addition issues.

Have more self respect than to let the likes of this waster inflict himself upon your life.

A junkie scumbag because he's done coke lmao. You are very sheltered and closed minded and should not be giving anyone advice here. Sad how judgemental some people are on here about drugs when most of you have or probably even still do regularly go to pubs and drink until you're incoherent, blithering idiots

power pants

Telly wrote: »

He made a mistake which happens to all of us. Let him know you’re not impressed and you’ll put it to bed if he can promise not to slip up again. If he does then walk but give him a second chance I reckon.

A coke head is only truly sorry the next day when they are on their come down

I think it’s make or break for the op. Give him another chance and he will take a thousand chances

Just because you had addiction problems in the past doesn’t mean you have to go through it again either

dudara

Off topic post and responses deleted. If you have an issue with this forum or any of the responses, please use the Reported Post function, do not comment on thread.

dudara

meeeeh

Arrival wrote: »

Sad how judgemental some people are on here about drugs when most of you have or probably even still do regularly go to pubs and drink until you're incoherent, blithering idiots

Did you ever go on a diet, quit drinking, smoking with a friend or partner? The moment one slips the other one has an excuse to transgress too. The most pitiful attempts I had to quit smoking were the group ones.

Op, can you trust yourself around him and that he will not pull you down with you? I would be uneasy around anyone who has drug issues but if you have addiction issues yourself then you have to be even more careful. Maybe if he goes to NA or seeks some other help from addiction services but it seems to be very risky for you to stay with him.

professore

Augme wrote: »

The funny thing is you would obviously have said the same thing about the OP after she had her first relapse.

Yes I would, if her partner who had managed to stay clean for 2 years came on looking for advice. And this isn't an anti drugs thing, it's an anti addiction thing. Alcohol and gambling are just as bad if not worse at destroying lives.

I have a good friend who struggles with addiction to alcohol and he never married for this reason.

I have another one who did and has 2 kids, now young teenagers. They and his wife have suffered immensely. Constantly broke, bankrupted and nearly homeless a few times, car crashes, garda visits, social workers, the whole 9 yards, This is even though they both work, and she works huge hours only to see her income blown on booze. He's a great guy otherwise, and loves his family but the booze comes first.

You can control what you do yourself, but you can't control others. This is a losing ticket. You don't seem to have kids or any of the stresses families face. Add this on top of your relatively carefree single life and see how long it lasts before he seeks refuge in coke.

Maybe you leaving him will be the kick in the ass he needs to really clean himself up for once and for all.

orthsquel

sarahf2k16 wrote: »

He got his court summons on Friday and ended up going out and taking cocaine that night. I didn't go out and would have no idea he had taken it except he told me and was very upset/angry he did it after all this time.

Was he particularly stressed about the court summons? What way was he angry/upset, just angry in general, angry at himself?

I think he would probably need to reflect on why he went out and took cocaine... if he was stressed, it could have been a trigger to seek it out, or the company of those he knows he could get some from. How long was he taking cocaine for before being arrested for possession?

Ursus Horribilis

Only you can decide what's a dealbreaker. Given that you're a recovering alcoholic yourself (well done on staying sober, by the way!), perhaps he might not be the best partner for you? It's great that you have taken ownership of your own addiction and go to AA meetings. My worry is that this guy might not ever reach that stage with his own addiction. You'll understand better than most people here that you have to actually want to be sober/drug free and to accept that you are an addict. Is your boyfriend at that stage? How can you be sure that this relapse is truly the first time he has taken cocaine in 7 months?

If you don't walk away from this relationship for now, I think you need to set some time limits/dealbreakers for yourself. Things that of today, you deem unacceptable if they happen in the future. To be honest, given your own history, I would worry that the pair of you could become co-dependent. Is there really anything you can do to help him? He's a grown man and he can make his own choices. If he chooses to continue taking cocaine or to put himself into situations where he will take it, you've got a problem.

padd b1975

Arrival wrote: »

I'm curious about why your advice is so coldly concise? If the OP had said her partner struggled with alcohol addiction would you be telling her to walk away so hastily also?

I think I'd trust Arthur Guinness before the likes of the Kinehan or Hutch gangs.

Most law abiding people would have a serious problem with bankrolling drug traffickers.

PressRun

Normally I would be an advocate of second chances, but is it good for two people with addiction issues to be in a relationship? You are trying to maintain your sobriety while he is not totally ready to make that step yet. Is this a good situation for you to be in? Do you feel you could relapse while with him or do you think you have a handle on your own situation? If you feel your own sobriety is at risk, I would walk. You have to protect yourself. However, if you feel you can support him without compromising your own situation, then maybe you can support him as he tries to get a handle on his own problem. You know your own situation best, so only you are best placed to make this call. I would be thinking first and foremost about your own situation and whether you can see a clean and sober future with this guy.

.......

Plenty of valid points already raised.

I would caution a recovering addict from going out with someone else with addiction problems. Just too many potential problems that might threaten your own recovery. Particularly given that he is still in denial about his own problem.

Id also have to agree with the poster who raised the point about cocaine being illegal.

Addiction is addiction but it introduces an extra element of scumbaggery when its with illegal drugs. Now you get to worry about the person getting arrested (as has already happened to him) or getting into debt with a dealer and facing serious consequences. It drags the whole thing down to a level past just being an "incoherent blithering idiot" from drinking alcohol.

Short relationship and already a threat to your own mental health and sobriety - just not worth it for you IMO.