Another 30 something singleton

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I am looking for a few tips on making more friends and meeting a boyfriend.

I am a woman in my early 30s and due to being extremely busy with work in my 20s I never bothered dating. I never dated anyone ever. Never kissed. Never had sex. The prime reasons: busy trying to hit goals career wise and terrified of becoming pregnant. Since I hit 30 it's been in the back of my mind that I should at least give having a sexual relationship a shot (not to have kids. Still petrified of that. I find it hard enough to look after myself ;-) Very unsure as to whether I ever want kids). Career is going good. Still very focused on that. The problem now is I don't even know where to begin! I am a confident person - my work involves being very forward but dating is something I just don't know anything about. I don't think I can approach it like business and just say it out straight that 'You look good. I want to date you. We would complement each other through x, y, z'. I like being very direct in business but in matters of the heart... I don't like the idea of doing online dating as I don't like the idea of a constructed meeting. I know you could argue meeting in a pub is a constructed meet up in a sense too but the idea of meeting in a social setting without it being prearranged just makes it feel a little bit more organic to me. How do you do that though? How do you actually meet a potential partner out and especially in your 30s? Some girl friends have suggested it's not good for a woman to make the first move but I would have thought it was perfectly ok to. Any views on that? It would never have entered my head that it would look desperate but there's no biological clock ticking. I don't want kids right now (I never have but I accept that could change). I have a lack of friends to actually go out with to meet men though. I'm not into alcohol in a big way but I'll happily go out and drink water or minerals if I can get my one real friend to come out with me.

I also don't want kids right now. Any women any advice on contraceptive measures besides the pill? A big part of abstaining from relationships is being terrified of conceiving but also not wanting to put hormones in my body...

The other problem is I sacrificed many friendships in my 20s, again due to being so busy. I am very sociable at work and participate in all social outings there. Indeed I am involved in organising many of them and I know I'm seen as a cheerful and popular person at work. I have no shortage of people to hang out with at lunch but we're vastly different ages. They are almost all a lot older (e.g. 50s). I love music and guess I should try meet people that way and perhaps set up my own meet up if there isn't one in the locality. Anyone any experience of setting up a meet up?

Any advice appreciated. I have never asked for advice before but I am just throwing this out there if anyone could send me any nugget of wisdom or a piece of advice as I would like to know for once what it's like to have someone to cuddle and hold hands with! Sounds pathetic but I just want some physical human contact. Thank you so much in advance.

Arrival

"Some girl friends have suggested it's not good for a woman to make the first move but I would have thought it was perfectly ok to."

Your friends are clueless idiots who just don't have the courage to make the first move so they've arrived at this conclusion. Plenty of women make the first move nowadays and I assure you it's definitely appreciated. In an age where many women play stupid games and try to mind **** lads, having a woman be straightforward and upfront about being interested in you is fantastic

messy tessy

1986 Alone wrote: »

I would like to know for once what it's like to have someone to cuddle and hold hands with! Sounds pathetic but I just want some physical human contact. Thank you so much in advance.

Not pathetic in the slightest... the majority of us are looking for just that!

I would ignore the advice about not making the first move, it's complete rubbish. If you like someone why not go for it!

Online dating gets a bad rep sometimes but tbh in your case I think it could actually be great. Get chatting to a couple of guys, meet up with who you want and see what happens.

Could you meet up with the friends you have lost contact with? Maybe reach out and invite them for coffee? The meet up idea sounds great also!

seamus

1986 Alone wrote: »

I don't think I can approach it like business and just say it out straight that 'You look good. I want to date you. We would complement each other through x, y, z'. I like being very direct in business but in matters of the heart... I don't like the idea of doing online dating as I don't like the idea of a constructed meeting. I know you could argue meeting in a pub is a constructed meet up in a sense too but the idea of meeting in a social setting without it being prearranged just makes it feel a little bit more organic to me. How do you do that though? How do you actually meet a potential partner out and especially in your 30s? Some girl friends have suggested it's not good for a woman to make the first move but I would have thought it was perfectly ok to. Any views on that?

You'd be surprised just how appreciative many men would be of such an incredibly up-front approach. Playing word games, trying to figure out whether a woman is being nice or actually likes you, all horrible. A woman who walked up and said "Hi, I saw you from over there, I think you're very attractive" would be met with a positive response.

Men and women are broadly similar when it comes to this stuff. Men are nervous of approaching women, starting up conversations, thinking about trying to say the right thing, etc. We don't attend any kind of classes about how to make the first move. It is just as a nerve-wracking for us, as it is for you. Contrary to popular belief, men DO NOT enjoy "the chase". 95% of us, hate it.

As such, women who make the first move are more successful than women who hang around waiting to be chatted up.

If you're a confident person, then be that confident person. Don't pretend to be someone else for the purposes of finding a partner - because then you won't find a partner who's attracted to the normal you.

It would never have entered my head that it would look desperate but there's no biological clock ticking. I don't want kids right now (I never have but I accept that could change). I have a lack of friends to actually go out with to meet men though. I'm not into alcohol in a big way but I'll happily go out and drink water or minerals if I can get my one real friend to come out with me.

Going out drinking and hoping to meet someone at the bar is probably overrated, especially in your 30s. You're more likely to find success using apps, or even just directly asking someone if they'd like to go get a coffee/drink.

The other problem is I sacrificed many friendships in my 20s, again due to being so busy. I am very sociable at work and participate in all social outings there. Indeed I am involved in organising many of them and I know I'm seen as a cheerful and popular person at work. I have no shortage of people to hang out with at lunch but we're vastly different ages. They are almost all a lot older (e.g. 50s). I love music and guess I should try meet people that way and perhaps set up my own meet up if there isn't one in the locality.

This is way more common than you think. Maintaining friendships as a child/teenager is effortless because you see these people every day; you go to school together or they live on your street. When everyone grows up, moves out and goes to work, they don't have the skills to realise that maintaining friendships takes time and effort, and before you know it, you haven't talked to your best mate in 2 years beyond some interactions on facebook.
You see your workmates every day, but they're not really friends. You have no history together except your working relationship.

It's something we really should warn teenagers about

Any road, the great think about old friendships is that they can be rekindled. Go and find out what your mates are doing now. Rather than try organise a meet-up with strangers, organise a reunion with old friends. Any others who are single/childless are likely also crying out for people their age to do things with, so will be delighted to hear from you.

suicide_circus

have you ever been approached by men?

pwurple

seamus wrote: »

This is way more common than you think. Maintaining friendships as a child/teenager is effortless because you see these people every day; you go to school together or they live on your street. When everyone grows up, moves out and goes to work, they don't have the skills to realise that maintaining friendships takes time and effort, and before you know it, you haven't talked to your best mate in 2 years beyond some interactions on facebook. 
You see your workmates every day, but they're not really friends. You have no history together except your working relationship.

It's something we really should warn teenagers about

I disagree with this... you can certainly gain friends through work, I certainly have, and remain friends with them long after changing jobs.  There's absolutely no rule to say you can only be friends with people you met as a child, and that's it then, everyone else is an acquaintance/colleague. How insular would that be anyway? Friendships evolve and change, and sometimes drift away, or new ones appearing. 
On meeting someone OP. I think there is a difficulty for people identifying who is single and who is not. There are a few ways of going about it... there's a reason Tinder etc are so popular. There are lots of dating sites and apps for people in exactly your situation. There's also , well, just letting the word spread basically. Someone who knows you might know 'just the guy' who would suit you. 
Both run the risk of rejection, so square up to that first.

LegacyUser

Hi folks, OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to write back.
Yes, I have been approached by men in the past and let a few good offers go in my 20s because I was very career focused and made a conscious decision to focus solely on that. The most recent occasion was about a year ago when a guy at work asked me out but I felt I knew off the bat that we just wouldn’t be compatible. I have had a few people over the past year say that they thought I was married but when I asked why they couldn’t offer any reason. Maybe it’s just my age. I’m getting that bit older now…
I am glad that you all seem to think it’s fine to approach a man. As I said, I always thought that would be fine but because I’m so clueless about dating I let the doubt be planted in my head! There is a guy that I like who works in a local shop and I would like to know more about him but I would like to try and suss out if he’s single or not first. He has had ample time to ask me out though if he was interested so perhaps he’s not and I don’t want to ask him out at his place of work or make him feel awkward there. It’s easy to be confident with most things in life but you’re letting yourself be vulnerable when you ask someone out and I’m terrible at letting any vulnerability show.
That is a good point about the online dating helping to filter out who is single and who isn’t which becomes more important in your 30s! I did have a little snoop around POF last year (anonymously but you can’t seem to do that anymore) and actually saw a few guys from my locality on it. All nice guys. No reason they should be single but I guess they wouldn’t know whether I’m single or not so even just having a profile might prompt people to ask in reality. I’ll have a think about that. I still think I’d prefer to just meet someone out and about. I’m a bit old skool regarding technology and a little bit lazy when it comes to social media. It sounds like a lot of effort making a profile and constructing a meeting! Perhaps I could give it a go and shut it down quickly if it just isn’t for me.
Thank you all for the food for thought. Re friends, I think I just need to be creative and perhaps set up my own meet ups if I can’t find good ones in the locality. I just need to get out there again. Thank you all for the advice. Much appreciated.

messy tessy

Alone 1986 wrote: »

I still think I’d prefer to just meet someone out and about. I’m a bit old skool regarding technology and a little bit lazy when it comes to social media. It sounds like a lot of effort making a profile and constructing a meeting! Perhaps I could give it a go and shut it down quickly if it just isn’t for me

It's literally no effort to create a profile. None. A few questions and a profile picture and away you go.

I recently started online dating as I realised Mr Right isn't going to come along and knock on my door, and if I wanted to find someone I was going to have to be proactive about it and put in a little effort. *cough