TTC - need someone sane to talk to please

pinkPasta

My husband and I have been trying for baby for 6 years. At first I had to talk him into stopping smoking weed - I nagged and eventually a friend told him to quit just while trying to get pregnant and he did - by then deciding it was his idea and all was right the world. On occasion since then he has nights out doing coke and I've said I don't want that any more - we are both nearly 40 and are trying IVF after a failed IUI.

Last week I found a stash of magic mushrooms he had picked and I was furious. He maintains I'm being a bitch and that I should relax. This is while we are undergoing treatment. He said it was for a mad night out in the future and wouldn't do it right now.

I can't cope - I've argued and pleaded and cried and nothing gets to him. My parents def did not act like this and neither did his. But I'm just a nag now. I've been reduced to this person who just nags. I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks as there is nothing left for me to say or do. I won't have that around a child. I always thought he'd grow out of it - I dream of leaving him but then I'd be looking at sperm donor for a baby to bring up on my own.

No friends or family to talk to - family would freak out at the mention of drugs and friends are doing occasional drugs themselves so look at me like I'm over reacting.

Part of me just thinks roll with it but then where is the line? When is enough?
Any souls out there with advice?

bren2002

You passed enough a while back.
Totally irresponsible behaviour.

OU812

I think you need to put your feelings for him to one side and ask yourself is this the type of father you’d want for your child?

You’re in your 40s so options are limited but it’s not too late to cut loose and start again with someone who’s going to be a good father.

Idle Passerby

Do you really want to have a child with someone who leaves weed, coke and hallucinogens lieing around the house?

He can't be taking the IVF seriously if he's throwing all of that sh1t into his body regularly. And he'll take his friends advise but completely ignore your valid concerns? He's taking the p1ss.

dixiefly

I hope that I am not being overtly disrespectful to the OP but my first reaction was is this a windup and then I see that is the first and only post from the poster.

So, in the chance that it is not a wind up, I would say that you need to get him off ALL drugs for at least 6 months before attempting to become pregnant by whatever means.

For so many reasons from basic health, to support to you to the standard of parenting / influence having a child with a serial drug user is a bad thing.

kylith

He was saving the shrooms for a 'mad night out', but wouldn't do them now? When, then? When you were pregnant? When you had a new baby to look after?

Your husband is totally irresponsible, and while I know that you are afraid of raising a child by yourself in your 40s I fear that if you have a baby with this man you will wind up doing that anyway, whether because he's too busy off living like a teenager or because the relationship has ended because you resent him for going off and living like a teenager while you're at home looking after a baby.

Frankly, I'd prefer to just do it by myself from the get-go than deal with the break up of a relationship at the same time. You never know, talk of ending the relationship might get him to cop on, and if it doesn't then you know how much the relationship means to him: less than cocaine.

dellas1979

dixiefly wrote: »

you need to get him off ALL drugs for at least 6 months before attempting to become pregnant by whatever means.

This is a little daft to tell the OP. There is only one person on the planet who can get him off the drugs and that is him.

Yes, OP, no amount of talking, cajoling, "nagging", hopes. arguments are going to change this guys mind. Only he can do that.

zoobizoo

I'm a new dad. He's nearly a year now.

A baby would interfere too much with his lifestyle.

I've nothing against drug taking but it's incompatible with getting up in the morning and playing with your kid at 6am or being there during the night when your child wakes up every two hours.

I barely drink at present - my priority is my child.

What would your fella''s priority be?

daheff

OP time to leave this guy. He's got a drug problem. If you had a baby you would never be able to leave him alone with it..... you'd never be sure if he was high or not. People who are high are not able to look after babies.


sorry op

LegacyUser

Not wishing to sound cruel OP but it doesn't sound like he wants a kid. You say you've been trying for 6 years but have you both been really involved? How much interest has he actually shown or are you pushing ahead with him because you fear you've wasted so much time already and fear you won't have a child if you don't have it now?

Gwynplaine

He's a manchild.

Neyite

Mod:


While you've got excellent advice here, I wanted to suggest that we also have a Trying to Conceive forum where I can move your thread if you like. The TTC process, especially if you are facing into Assisted Reproduction is very tricky and you might find advice from people going through the same stages as you helpful as well.

So let me know if you want your thread moved over there

Sephiroth_dude

Why would you want a child with this man at all?

BetsyEllen

I feel sorry for you OP as you clearly want a baby very much and at nearly 40, it's not a nice position to be in.

But if you were say 25 or 30 and you were with this guy, in this exact situation, would you put up with it?
Or would you think to yourself 'I will find better' and move on?

Let's be honest, you'd move on.

It's probable that you're only staying with this guy as you feel that if you walk away you won't have time to have a baby with someone else.

However I would rather be childless and happy in a good, stable relationship with a man who loves me and wants the same things in life than trapped in a crappy relationship with a child whose father is more interested in going out on drug fuelled nights than being a Dad.

I don't actually judge your partner too harshly, some of us just aren't cut for parenthood and to be honest, I prefer the single life and going out partying to settling down and having kids. But he is being very selfish though in not being honest with you, maybe he knows that being honest will end the relationship and break your heart so he's burying his head in the sand.

If he wanted the same things as you, he would change his ways without any nagging at all so I think you need to accept that he doesn't.
And then work out what you are going to do next, ie stay and not have a child (could you ever be happy with this? Is the relationship strong enough in other ways that he can fulfil you without giving you a child? Will you resent him?) or if you should leave at look at sperm donor options.