Cannot get over a girl

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have never written a post about personal stuff on a forum before, but this has been driving me mad for ages now, and I don't feel comfortable to talk about it with anyone in person, so I said I'd give it a go. It might seem like a silly problem for some, but it's really bothering me.

Quick background, I am a man in my early twenties, and have never been in a proper relationship with a girl, only one-night stands, or things that lasted a couple of weeks or so. I just have not met many women I'd really like to be in a relationship with, and the ones I have liked didn't want anything to do with me after the those one nights. I would describe myself as a nice guy, and I am pretty quiet and shy. I'm in pretty good shape, and would consider myself reasonably good looking. I try to be polite to people in general, and give everyone a chance. I wouldn't be the most confident person in the world though, especially when it comes to women. With the exception of my sister who's a year older (and who I am close too), I don't really have any female friends, even from college. I don't have too many male friends either by the way. I just used to get really anxious new people. As I have gotten older, I have gotten better though.
I think I may just be a little introverted by nature.

Anyhow, a few months back I met this girl one night when out. She was smart, seemed to have a great personality, pretty good looking without being gorgeous, and about my age. We got on really well, I mean really seemed to click. She stayed the night at my apartment, but we didn't have sex. So a few days later anyway I asked her out on a date and she said yes. It went really for both us from what I could tell. She actually stayed the night that night too, but again, we didn't have sex.

Then about a week or so after, she came over for drinks one evening and we did have sex. Again I thought the night went really well, and from what I could tell, she did too.

We just really got along in general for a few weeks. We had really similar senses of humour, liked a lot of the same things, and had some really good talks about different things, and she had even confided in me about some of her very personal stuff.

From then on though, things didn't go too well. I asked her out 3 or 4 times again over the next few weeks or so, and she'd always have something on or would be just too tired, she would say. One day though then, she suggested we go for drinks the following evening, and I said yes. Great. The next evening comes around then, and I hadn't received a call or text from her at all, and it was late enough at this stage, about 22:00. So I text her asking was she still up for going out, and it turned out she decided to hang out her friends instead that evening (no special occasion or anything), and had been with them since way earlier that evening, and had no intention of meeting up with me. I have absolutely no problem with her hanging out with friends instead of me, I know she's not obligated to hang out with me, but what annoyed me was that she did not think to let me know at all -- I had moved things around to go out with her that night. Anyway, I called her out on it that evening. She did apologise (eventually) then, and then she said she would call me the next day because we wanted to talk more about it. She didn't contact me the next day though, or any other day after that.

A few days past, and I met her by chance in a pub, and she barely even said hello to me. I asked her did she want to talk to me and she said no at first, but I eventually convinced her to talk to me.

So we had sat down and she started to tell me that she never had any intention of going out with me, that she had just got out of a really serious relationship with a guy she'd been living with(she never brought that up before). She went on to say that I was right down in the bottom of her social circle, and more-or-less said I meant really very little to her. That really hurt me, as I had thought I had meant something to her. Anyway, I told I really liked her, and all she said was that she didn't know that. A few more things we said, and we kissed then, and then she left to go back to her friends, and I did the same. From then on though over the next weeks, whenever I text her, she never replied (did read them though, I noticed). So I stopped trying, and just assumed this was over.

In the following weeks, I tried to move on, and did sleep with 2 different women since then in one-night stands, but I have to say, I didn't really enjoy them as much as I would have before. I still couldn't get this one out of my head.

About 2 months have passed now since we last spoke, and I still think about her everyday, and it's even keeping me awake most nights.

And finally then a few nights ago, by total chance I ran into again in another pub when I was out with my friends. She was with her friend, who I just happen to know pretty well too. Anyway, the two of us spoke, but it was only small talk, and I was the one doing most of the talking. We then said goodbye and she went to another part of the pub. Later on we ran into each other again at the bar, and I started talking to her again. As I am trying to talk to her, she just starts flirting with the bar man, and then these guys who happened to be to the other side of them, literally as I was trying to talk to her, and all in the space of about 1 minute. And I mean really touch-feely stuff, and me just standing there like an eejit. She wasn't even drunk. This carried on for a couple of minutes. Anyway, I felt really embarrassed as I had actually just bought her a drink (which she ignored), so I said f**k that, and walked off. Even with girls I don't want to hang around with, I am never deliberately rude to them like that.

This may sound stupid to some here, and maybe I'm missing something really obvious, but I really don't know what to do here. I am still thinking of her. I just feel so hurt by the whole thing. I really like her, more than any other girl I've ever been with, by far. Logically speaking, I think I should just let this go, but I had been trying to do that for the past 2 months now and couldn't. Even after meeting and sleeping with other women (I hope that is not interpreted as a boast by the way, as I don't mean it to be), I cannot get over her.

Any ideas as to what I should do?

** PS **
I know it may seem like there was a lot of drink involved her, and there wasn't really. We actually were either completely or mostly sober most of the times we spoke or were together.

Faith

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you were trying way too hard. It comes across almost like you were following her around like a puppy. I know how easy it is to get attached to someone you feel you have a connection with, but she explicitly told you that she had no interest in you, yet you persisted in trying to talk to her and buy her drinks.

Why do you think she was flirting with that bar man in front of you? I reckon it’s because she had already told you she wasn’t interested but you weren’t getting the message.

I think what you’re missing is you let your feelings cloud the objective situation. You liked her a lot and it can be really hard to accept that feelings like that aren’t reciprocated. But - and I’m sorry to be blunt - she doesn’t like you. And no matter how much you want her to, how much you try to talk to her, how many drinks you buy her, that’s not going to change.

She treated you badly, that’s for sure. But you also let yourself be treated badly. Maybe spend a bit of time reflecting on why you’re so attached to someone who behaved badly towards you. You say you’ve been trying to let this go, but you haven’t. If you had, you wouldn’t have tried to talk to her in the pub. You wouldn’t have bought her a drink. You wouldn’t have stood around while she openly flirted with someone else in front of you.

I think you’ve been holding out a hope that things will change and she’ll like you back. Only once you accept that this isn’t true can you move on.

CPTM

I think most people have gone through something similar to you OP. I know I have, and it's a very difficult feeling to unwind once it's wound up! I imagine that you're also feeling angry at how you've been treated.

The distance has probably allowed this to grow in your head far beyond what has happened in real life. She probably appears to be way more perfect than she really is, and you probably appear to be way more perfect for her than you really are. This may be proven when you see her with some 'awful' person and can't believe she is with him instead of you.

From my own experience, and when looking at mates who've experienced it, there seems to be a link between these infatuations and being at a stage in life where a relationship appears like a wonderful idea but doesn't suit you. We inherently pick people who are either horrible, or distant, or damaged themselves, because deep down we know that they won't ask us to make a commitment we're not ready to make. We even build a wall around ourselves and these 'perfect' people so that no others can try to tempt us.

As soon as you're ready, your story will end not with you letting her go, but with you letting go of perfection. Either you'll date her, or many others, who will teach you that these feelings in your head can never exist in the real world. She will have massive imperfections. They all do, and so do you.

You'll learn that a person's value system and the way they treat you and your relationship with them will be the key thing that takes you out of that dating world which is full of egos, damaged goods, and fake personalities.

When you've experienced very little in the real world, it can be easy to switch your attention to the perfect one in your head. But I can tell you from experience that if you invest time and energy in yourself, and how you pick your people around you, you will end up with someone and something which is far greater than that picture in your head.

osarusan

You need to accept that even though for you it was a big deal and you had strong feelings, for her, it wasn't serious and you are not important to her. It can hurt like hell to accept that, and to accept that what you thought was a serious thing that you had invested your emotions in wasn't the same at all for the other person.

What should you do? About her - nothing, try and forget her. For the future, consider it a lesson learned. Think about the signals you missed (fairly blunt ones, like her telling you directly you were at the bottom of her social circle) so that you don't get treated crap next time.

professore

She has zero interest in you. Even worse, she has zero respect for you. Move on.

zapper55

I really feel for you OP it sounds like you really fell for her.

There's a few things in your post.

I think after the first time you asked her out (after all the other dates) and she made excuses you should have left it up to her to come back to you on another date. Not asked her out a other 3 times where she came up with more excuses. The way she spoke to you afterwards was ****ty and lousy and says as much about what's going through her mind as anything else. And that she was crap at plainly pointing out that she wasn't interested.

I do agree with the point that you kept asking her out afterwards showed she wasn't interested but that perspective comes with experience.

It'll take a while for you to get over her because you painted this picture in your mind of her. But you will get over her. For now concentrate on yourself. Is there exercise you enjoy, podcasts, any solo travel you fancy doing? Distract yourself with these (but not other women). It helps with heartbreak.

I've been in situations where a guy didn't act well towards me but it doesn't make me cynical towards guys, I hope this doesn't make you overly cynical towards women.

sReq | uTeK

mate...take the hint. she’s repeatedly told you she’s not interested and you repeatedly come up to her. She’s ogling other men to try and get her point across.

con___manx1

The best thing you can do op is get another girl better looking than her and flaunt it in her face.

baby and crumble

con___manx1 wrote: »

The best thing you can do op is get another girl better looking than her and flaunt it in her face.

This will make zero difference. She’s not interested in him, why would she care?

Op, just learn that when a woman (or anyone for that matter) says no, they’re not interested, believe them and move on.

Mr. Incognito

She used you for a rebound- a quick ego boost.

That's all.

You have built her up in your head.

Shes not that great. No one is.

Think people are being harsh on the OP, the girl sounds like a melt who enjoys the attention.

Only thing you can do is cut contact. If you see her out be polite but don't engage her in conversation. If she talks to you keep it brief and be done with it. Be friendly but don't get dragged into any chats.

I imagine you thought you had a connection because she disclosed some deep personal stuff but honestly, your life will be much better without her. Keep on meeting people and developing your own life and you'll be fine. you are young yet, enjoy yourself.

(And yes, I have been where you are, and yes, in time you will be absolutely fine).

Jasper_

Boy did I go tru a period of meeting head melters like that at your age.

If I could go back in time and whisper one thing to my heartbroken 20something self it would be;

"Understand that the attributes that you found attractive in this girl are also in many, MANY other girls. Girls that will actually genuinely like you"

buried

Best thing for you OP is just drop every outset of communication with this girl. If you see her out again in person, smile, nod, say "how's it going" then walk swiftly past and keep the swiftness going. Some of these people are just attention crack addicts, the attention is all they want. Your feelings don't come into their outer asteroid belt, and they never will. That's just how it is. We all go through this craic, everybody does.

But it isn't all bad. Use this experience to never put anyone or anything up on a pedestal until you know exactly what they are about. You can seriously learn from this and you will. You sound like a decent person OP, so you have no need worry about yourself, but not everyone you will encounter will be on the exact same level, for a myriad of reasons, no fault of anybodies either. Enter the dating game with that mindset, you will be prepared the next time. Good luck.

SozBbz

OP you really need to get a grip here - you need to give yourself a stern talking to and stop this.

You seem to think that because you like her, and you invested your feelings in her that she is somehow obliged to like you back? How does this work? Why do you feel so entitled?

She tried to let you down gently, then she tried a lot less gently, and still you persist. There is absolutely no way she is suddenly going to change her mind at this point. In her eyes you're probably an irritant at this point.

Draw a line under it. Its done. Two people have to agree to like each other. What you want in isolation makes is of no consequence. Leave her alone.