Head of Services - Inappropriate comment?

rekluse

Hi Folks,

Would appreciate if someone could comment on this, as my head is a bit wrecked.

To give some context, I would for a very large charity organisation in the UK.
I've started a new role this week which was an internal move. The head of our services would be quite familiar with me and we crossed paths in my previous role on occasion.

About 6 months ago I interviewed for a role in a service that he oversees. I wasn't in a great place then to be honest. The job I was doing at the time was very challenging. Incredibly frontline work dealing with a lot of distressing and harrowing content and some very challenging situations, frequently taking a lot of abuse. It was also shift work and I found myself exhausted, mentally and physically. So I apply for a role in his service and get shortlisted to interview. I as mentioned previously I was in a pretty terrible place at this time and the interview was a bit of a car crash. The head of services was on this panel.To be honest I almost cancelled before the interview as I was feeling so low. But I went and got through it, even if it was a very poor interview.

Fast forward 6 months and another role comes up in a service he oversees. I apply and get shortlisted and interview again. He is on the panel again. I'm in a much better place and the interview goes very well. I get offered the role (by default I must admit, their preferred candidate didn't take the offer) and accept.

So this was my first week. There were work drinks last night and he is there. He was pretty drunk to be honest, but anyways we were having a chat. At some point he says to me 'I've seen the best and worst of you, don't **** this up'.

I was kind of taken aback. He was pissed and someone else joined us so I just let it go. We work in a very diverse,supportive and inclusive environment and this is completely out of whack with the organisation's ethos.

So I ended up just leaving and going home. I woke this morning and I'm feeling very anxious and dejected. I can already tell this is going to play on my mind all weekend.

I'm unsure what to do. Am I overreacting?

I already have self esteem and confidence issues so this is not what I really needed to hear. Should I let it slide? Should I approach my manager? She is very supportive and would be managed by the head of services guy that made the comment. Should I approach him directly and have an informal chat?

My head is kind of wrecked and it's my first week so I don't want to rock the boat too much. But I know I'm going to feel very low going into work Monday now.

Any advice appreciated.

OMM 0000

Am I overreacting?

I believe you are, but he shouldn't have said that.

My take on it is there's always some risk at work drinks (due to drunken behaviour), so I would put it down to that and move on.

jon1981

Probably not the best delivery. But take it as feedback. Feedback is a good thing, at least you know he has mixed opinions of you so instead of going down the HR road...use it as motivation.

If you do approach him on the subject, ask him to elaborate on what he considers your weaknesses, keep a clear head and make him understand you're interested in his feedback so that you can improve your skills...etc.

He'll likely regret how he said it and value your mature handling of the situation and thus you may end up forming a valuable relationship here.

Corb_lund

You are being very over sensitive. He is (rightly from your post)/saying you've been wishy washy.

The fact he said he's seen the best of you means he was not being negative but more acknowledging the fact that he knows you have potential.

Its him saying....do a good job don't turn soft on me and it'll be grand.

Threads like this almost make me want to never go out on work drinks again!

wally1990

OP to be honest I’d say your over reacting

He might not have meant it in a bad way

Bearing in mind he was drunk and I know I say stupid **** when I’m pissed

He could have meant it in the context there is a lot of responsibility in this role so don’t **** it up .. meaning give it your all

I have a team member on my team , now we are pretty close having worked together for years but on occasion I would have assigned projects and said don’t **** this up but in the context I need your all on this.

The difference here is , I know him well and he knows me .

if anything , I be using it for motivation to prove any concern he may have in you when you were in a bad place wrong

Remember he might not have known you were in a bad place

Your now in a good place

So show him, give it your all and be confident in yourself and prove to him your well worth this job and role

That’s my approach , apply yourself every hard and remember let him know how hard your working
Communication is key

No point pushing yourself if he doesn’t know

So GL and yes your overreacting

Gravelly

OMM 0000 wrote: »

I believe you are, but he shouldn't have said that.

My take on it is there's always some risk at work drinks (due to drunken behaviour), so I would put it down to that and move on.

This.

He probably should have chosen his words better, but I don't think you should read too much into it, it sounds to me like he may, in a ham-fisted way, have been trying to acknowledge the bad interview and move on from it.
I'd forget it as I doubt he meant it maliciously.

OldMrBrennan83

I'd say overreacting too. He's seen the worst and you still ended up with the job, I know someone turned it down but you were shortlisted and they didn't have to hire you. He could have put it much better but it was a night out and we're all human. I'd take it as a compliment and have it drive you on to prove the best is the norm.
Might even be better that the poor interview was acknowledged and you won't always have it in the back of your mind if he'd never mentioned it. Can move forward now.

Gerry T

The way I read it OP this guy might have stuck his neck out for you and helped get you the job, his comment could be please don't crash and burn as it will reflect on his recommendation. Drunk and Poorly put but I would think this is his sentiment.

rekluse

Thanks for the comments folks, I think on reflection I’ve overreacted. I think I was just taken aback a bit by the way he delivered it and because we work in a very supportive environment. Nobody would say something like that in a meeting or talk to anyone like that in the office. Would never dream of going down the HR route with something like this, just it felt a bit more forex trader than charity sector. I’m gonna use it as motivation to perform really well.

mvl

so ... my advice for you is don't get pissed on these work events, if you already have self esteem and confidence issues.
- if you were the sober one - that is an extra reason for you to walk in the office with confidence Monday: you got the job, be best at it as you can, and let go of some of the toxic baggage.

PS: my first thought was similar to GTs previous post - maybe this guy had something to do with you getting the role, and he told you now.

Corb_lund

rekluse wrote: »

Thanks for the comments folks, I think on reflection I’ve overreacted. I think I was just taken aback a bit by the way he delivered it and because we work in a very supportive environment. Nobody would say something like that in a meeting or talk to anyone like that in the office. Would never dream of going down the HR route with something like this, just it felt a bit more forex trader than charity sector. I’m gonna use it as motivation to perform really well.

And most places are the worse for it. Everyone trying their best to be diverse and inclusive, waiting on peoples feelings etc

He bluntly (thanks to the drink..) Acknowledged you've ballsed up in the past (as has EVERYONE) but that he has also seen a good side to you. He's giving you the opportunity to draw a line under and really make it work. Good luck with it.

OMM 0000

Corb_lund wrote: »

And most places are the worse for it. Everyone trying their best to be diverse and inclusive, waiting on peoples feelings etc

Society is moving in the direction of feelings over facts.

It's not a good thing.

But you have to learn to play the game.

So you just need to be extra-sensitive when explaining things to people. Sort of like a politician.

How did he deliver the line? Was it in a derogatory way or in a supportive way, albeit inappropriate manner.

What was the tone of the conversation up until then? It seems to me that he could have possibly being offerring you mis-timed friendly advice, when pissed, which is never a good idea.

But like everyone else has said, move on from it. Cant change it, but ruminating over it will not help you in any way. Focus on the positive from here on in. Give yourself a pat on the back when things go well for you, and forget the rest.

Teyla Emmagan

I don't think he has said anything wrong to be honest. He just shouldn't have said it with a few drinks on. He has seen you at your worst, you admit it. It just sounds like you are taken aback by a direct comment because it's not the culture where you work.

You know he is coming to you with an open mind though and that's all that matters.

Can't help thinking that it sounds like a line out of a Tom Cruise movie.

beauf

I would take it as a positive and encouraging comment. That he wants you to do well.

rekluse

Shawn Angry Lawn wrote: »

How did he deliver the line? Was it in a derogatory way or in a supportive way, albeit inappropriate manner.

What was the tone of the conversation up until then? It seems to me that he could have possibly being offerring you mis-timed friendly advice, when pissed, which is never a good idea.

But like everyone else has said, move on from it. Cant change it, but ruminating over it will not help you in any way. Focus on the positive from here on in. Give yourself a pat on the back when things go well for you, and forget the rest.

It was very cold and clinical. We were just talking about the new team as there has been another person starting with me, which is good.

manonboard

rekluse wrote: »

Thanks for the comments folks, I think on reflection I’ve overreacted.

Well done OP. Always good when someone can take feedback and reflect on themselves. Sure it shows whatever low point you came from, you've certainly built yourself back up well.
He made a ****ty delivery, but i could imagine it being said in a million ways that are really just off the cuff, and not actually meaning anything more than it was literally said as "I've seen you at your worst and best".. It means he thinks you are at your best now. Thats good. We can all be a bit sensitive at times, and he prolly was too pissed to manage a tone correctly

Calhoun

Some real good quality advice here, OP it definitely reads like this guy is giving you a chance to be great. So I'd embrace the chance given to me and do my best.

beauf

rekluse wrote: »

It was very cold and clinical. We were just talking about the new team as there has been another person starting with me, which is good.

I think blunt is the word you are looking for.

Wanderer2010

This is another reason never to be going drinking with co workers, no good can come from it. People let their guard down and start to believe the people around them are their friends. Keep professional with workmates and find friends outside of work, they can never mix! Especially bosses drinking with subordinates which is in my view the dumbest concept imaginable in work.

beauf

I don't agree. You don't have get drunk. But the best teams and companies bond and socialising is a great way to achieve this. In my experience it usually results in a more productive and pleasant working environment. But it has to be managed.

Wanderer2010

beauf wrote: »

I don't agree. You don't have get drunk. But the best teams and companies bond and socialising is a great way to achieve this. In my experience it usually results in a more productive and pleasant working environment. But it has to be managed.

That hasn't been my experience. If you are a Richard head in work, then you are the same outside of work. Simple as that. No amount of drinking and bonding can change that. Imagine a boss going out socialising with their team, from the off you have to watch every word that comes out of your mouth, the chat is strained small talk like tv or the weather and you come away drained, that's not a good time! Its best to leave socializing with your real buddies.

beauf

Its another form of networking.

If someone does badly in social situations and for sure not everyone is comfortable in social situations. Then perhaps it's not a good idea.

wally1990

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

That hasn't been my experience. If you are a Richard head in work, then you are the same outside of work. Simple as that. No amount of drinking and bonding can change that. Imagine a boss going out socialising with their team, from the off you have to watch every word that comes out of your mouth, the chat is strained small talk like tv or the weather and you come away drained, that's not a good time! Its best to leave socializing with your real buddies.

I agree to an extent with this

If you are planning a long/full night out then you really have to watch the amount of alcohol you drink and everything you say with the different people you interact with.

Otherwise

I find myself having small talk, or leaving the night early but at least showing my face but I wonder is it worth it at all.

I can’t be 100% myself or if I did get too drunk might make a stupid comment or joke or say something about work and before you know it is either deemed inappropriate, not professional or your the talk of the office

At my last work people I could physically see people being careful with how much they drank and many left after 2/3 people’s into the night and a good few didn’t even drink (and they drink normally)

Now... there could be different reasons for each ( plans the next day, children etc) but surely some left because it’s a work party and must be careful

I do agree to an extent you can’t be 100% yourself and if you did get drunk your seen as a muppet then and prob the talk inside the office

Wanderer2010

wally1990 wrote: »

I agree to an extent with this

If you are planning a long/full night out then you really have to watch the amount of alcohol you drink and everything you say with the different people you interact with.

Otherwise

I find myself having small talk, or leaving the night early but at least showing my face but I wonder is it worth it at all.

I can’t be 100% myself or if I did get too drunk might make a stupid comment or joke or say something about work and before you know it is either deemed inappropriate, not professional or your the talk of the office

At my last work people I could physically see people being careful with how much they drank and many left after 2/3 people’s into the night and a good few didn’t even drink (and they drink normally)

Now... there could be different reasons for each ( plans the next day, children etc) but surely some left because it’s a work party and must be careful

I do agree to an extent you can’t be 100% yourself and if you did get drunk your seen as a muppet then and prob the talk inside the office

If I had to go to work social event, I treat it as a long work meeting. Topics are strictly safe or 100% complimentary of recent work events/people. Theres no way you can be knocking back pints and acting the eejit. What baffles me, and ive seen it in every single job I worked in, is the bosses or supervisors who sit next to the lads they supervise and start getting bladdered as if it were a social night out and chatting/badmouthing fellow workers. Now that is very odd to me.

beauf

That is not socialising. That's getting drunk.

They are not one and the same. You should be able to socialise without getting drunk. You should be able to socialise without drinking at all if the situation requires it.

Wow.