Impending anniversary/inquest pressure

BettePorter

Soon to be anniversary and awaiting inquest date and I really feel like I'm on the verge. This period almost feels worse than the event itself. I feel it's all just building to a crescendo and will fall apart after a year of coping.
Every day we read of inquests and you just glance over them like they're a formality but when youre involved you realise how traumatic they are. I feel like ive been waiting on a knock at the door for months. Im stressed to the max. My doctor has advised me not to attend and will write me a 'note' if requested but it seems so cruel that these things are so 'public'. There are details I don't want to hear but I also don't want any randomer knowing instead.

I'm not a 'sharer' and this week has been made harder by the fact I've been let down by a close friend. Which is why I'm here instead I guess. Im so mentally exhausted thinking about it all i just want to sleep until 2020. I feel everything.... anniversary /inquest/breakdown has come to a head and is all going to explode all around the same time. I know I haven't grieved and that's an issue I need to deal with.

I read a tweet from niamh fitzpatrick (sister of dara who was one of one the pilots of rescue helicopter that went down last year).....and she said something that rang so true. I'm paraphrasing hugely but generally....'when people ask you how you are and you say fine and you smile and laugh.....and then you rally against it , chastise yourself, as if it's not okay to be fine and laugh , as if it's somehow disrespecting your sister to be happy for that one moment'

And I feel that every day. I meet a neighbour and they pass greetings and you reply instinctively 'I'm great how are you ' and instantly I Inwardly think but I'm not great ....I'm breaking inside ...now that neighbour thinks I'm fine...I'm over it ....I don't care anymore...when in reality I think of nothing else.

I just don't know what it was to wake up not consumed by the event and it's consequences. I just want to get to a day when I can say.....'ah I had a great day today ...things couldn't be better'.

Purgative

Hi BP


I've never been through what you're going through, but I feel your pain.


Just wanted to reach out as I hate seeing posts like yours go unanswered.


Hugz - from a stanger on the internet.

Defunkd

We're still awaiting an inquest, 3.5 years on, and while i'm not particularly looking forward to reliving someone's final moments, i wouldn't miss it.
Anniversary's are tough. Xmas is tough. B'days are tough. But there is joy to be had even while the pain is present.

I'm not going to tell you that you will get over it - i see people who never did - but you can get through it. It's not like a day will come that it doesn't hurt but you can truly enjoy life without that person being there.

Lucuma

Hi BettePorter, I hope that the day passed and went and you came out the other side stronger. I wish you strength and courage for the future x