Cut mother out of my life?

LegacyUser

Long story, so apologies for the length of it.

I am now 30. I have one younger sister. My mother and father did not have the greatest marriage growing up. Their marriage dynamic was one where my mother was somewhat domineering and the more assertive and my father was a nice guy - very (too) kind, possibly naive and prone to getting taken advantage of. My sister and I always received love and affection from our father which at times was suffocating but received plans and direction from a somewhat autocratic mother.

10 years ago, our father's successful motor business failed and we went from having a very comfortable middle-class lifestyle to having very little indeed. He probably had a bit of a breakdown and was difficult to live with for quite some time. I should point out that my mother was never employed during my lifetime nor did she ever attempt to work while living a very nice lifestyle indeed (golf memberships, great holidays, everything paid for). She did, in fairness, do the housework and stuff throughout our lifetime. Within a year of everything hitting the wall, it became apparent that she was having an emotional/relational affair with another person in a social club that my parents were involved in. The man she was having an affair with was a recent widower.

This caused untold hurt to my father's pride and feelings and caused massive grief that has still not subsided today to my father, sister and I. My mother moved out and moved in with the new man. For the past 9 years, she has been a kept woman, keeping golf memberships, having more frequent and even better holidays with her new man and even being bought a car and being given a house to live in. This while my sister, father and I struggle to pay the bills, have 1 car between us and can't afford to go on holidays. My sister and I have never met the new man and we refuse to.

During the past 9 years she continues to return to the house and while she does housework once a week, she is checking up on the house and causes HUGE arguments nearly every time she comes. She refuses to not come as the house we are living in is half hers.

The issue is that she now wants the family home sold. It had been retained for the past few years due to the property market crash. She wants it sold and to get her money and ride into the sunset while the 3 of us struggle to get by - in this rental and property market.

The selling of the house has been agreed and we will go our separate ways however I really want to cut her out of my life after this.

She brings me mostly grief and is extremely demanding and domineering. I want to cut her out of my life as much as possible after the property is sold.

Am I throwing the baby out with the bathwater? I feel I have had the best years of my life destroyed by her nagging, ferocious arguments and she has made a show out of herself and our family. My sister has bigger issues about it than I do, unfortunately.

I feel as if I have had 10 years of it and have had enough.

Am I going overboard or am I thinking somewhat rationally?

Thank you for all of your thoughts and comments - really appreciated.

kmc25_1

Sorry, this isn't an answer to the question you asked. Don't let the house be sold. It's your family home. The banks would struggle to evict you, yet ye are moving out to appease your mother. Possibly change the locks. If she no longer lives there and you have asked her not to come round then lock her out.

.......

You are under no obligation to keep someone you dislike in your life, even if it is your mother.

What i would strongly advise is that yourself and your sister seek counselling for yourselves.

From what you have posted it is easy to see how resentment has built up and why you feel as you do.

Is it reasonable? Well you cant help how you feel, you can only choose to deal with it in a reasonable fashion by seeking professional help.

What I would advise as regards cutting your mother out, is not to make any kind of big dramatic statement. Drift away, keep your distance politely, there is no need to have a big "Im cutting you OUT" type of conversation. That way you can maintain your own dignity and calm and then later on down the road if you do decide you would like to speak with her again you dont have to roll back on your proclamations.

But certainly, you dont have to be around her if you dont want to be and you dont have to feel bad about that either.

You need to reach a place where her actions dont bother you one way or another, dont let resentment fester - it only hurts YOU in the long run.

seamus

Change the locks, don't let her sell the house.

Just because the house is "half hers", doesn't give her any right of access. She is not resident there, the legal power rests in those who are resident.

It also does not give her any right to force a sale, it's a pity you've agreed to go along with this.

Tbh, it sounds like your mother is and probably always has been a bully. And as a matter of routine, you guys always back down and let her have her way rather than get into conflict with her.

This is a deep-seated issue, behaviour that's been habitual for you since the day you were born. It's very easy for me to throw out glib remarks like "change the locks", when it's likely that even after doing so you'll just back down and give her a key after she throws a tantrum. Remember that's all they are; tantrums. Loud and emotional. But nothing else. They do nothing. You can walk away and leave her screaming into the void.

Are you going overboard? No. It's time for you to take control over your own life, and realise that no matter how much complaining, nagging, screaming and shouting your mother does, you have no obligation to listen to her and there's nothing she can do to force your hand. You're 30. An actual adult. She has no power over you, except the power that you choose to give her.

Teyla Emmagan

Cut her out of your life if you want to. You are under no obligation to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to. No one can force you to engage with your mother, you do not have to.

I am sorry for what has obviously been a very difficult period for your family. You should let go of some of your bitterness towards your mother though. Marriages break up, it happens all the time. Talking about how your mother has never worked while you have been poorly off is just silliness. Let it go, the fact her new fella wants to support her is nothing to do with you. And she has not shamed your family. This is not the 1950s. Your parents' relationship ended. No one is looking at your family and tut-tutting. And if they are, who cares what some nosey eejits think? It does not reflect on you.

However, from what you are saying she clearly does not need the money from the family home. Yourself and your sister are still living at home by the sound of it and I take it you will all need to find somewhere else to live together now. It is unfortunate and I sympathise. It seems very selfish on your mother's part given her situation.

I guess once the house is gone you can all move on though. It will be the end of this difficult period and hopefully a new start for all of you. And if you never want to speak to your mother again afterwards than that's okay too. At least she won't be coming around to the new place every week to poke her nose in!!

Idle Passerby

Could the three of you buy your mother out? Im assuming it's a big/expensive house based on your families previous finances. In which case it would make more sense to sell up and downsize. That way you'd have her out of your hair as well.

The fact your mum is regularly letting herself into a home she left years ago is fairly antagonistic on her part. You'd be better off giving her no reason to think she has a right to barge into your lives. Stop entertaining it.

Id echo what the previous poster said that your parents marriage breakup, and your mother's new partner and lifestyle, though upsetting, is not something that's healthy to dwell on. I expect distance from your mum will help put that into the past.

BBFAN

I'm amazed at the posters on here saying she has no right to have the house sold, of course she does, it's half hers, end of story. They're all adults not children.

OP, sorry to sound harsh here but you're 30 and blaming your mother for your troubles, I think you are being unreasonable.

Why is it her problem that you are struggling to pay bills? You're an adult, you make your own way in the world or you don't.

Sounds to me like a lot of bitterness and jealousy going on because you haven't made anything of your own life.

Ursus Horribilis

Did your parents legally separate/divorce? Who owns the house now?

The poster above me may have made the point more harshly than I would've but I agree with most of what they said. At this stage you're 30. You sound like you're a bit stuck and still caught up in strife between your parents. You need to start making a life for yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

Why shouldn't the house be sold? If your parents are separated, is it not unfair for her to have to pay rent and keep the house? Why is she coming back regularly to clean?

Whatever relationship you had with your mother is one thing. But what happened between your mum and your dad really is between them. If you feel your mum has and continues to cause you distress then thinking about seeing less of her isn't a bad thing. Selling the house and everyone going their own way probably isn't a bad thing.

valoren

You sell the house simply because she wants it sold? Is the house paid off? Your dad needs to grow a pair. I assume it's paid (or nearly paid) off. You've mentioned she never worked so hasn't contributed anything into paying it off over the mortgage term. She now wants her cut but morally speaking she can sing for it. You will all be looking for accommodation after the house is sold, am I right? Do not sell the house. She can't force it. Just tell her to stay put with her fancy man and threaten her with a restraining order is she begins harassing you all. Clearly she couldn't give a damn about any of you all, it might be best to adopt a similar attitude.

BBFAN

valoren wrote: »

You sell the house simply because she wants it sold? Is the house paid off? Your dad needs to grow a pair. I assume it's paid (or nearly paid) off. You've mentioned she never worked so hasn't contributed anything into paying it off over the mortgage term. She now wants her cut. You will all be looking for accommodation after the house is sold, am I right? Do not sell the house. She can't force it. Just tell her to stay put with her fancy man and threaten her with a restraining order due to her continuing harassment. Clearly she couldn't give a damn about any of you all, it might be best to adopt a similar attitude.

AGAIN, don't know why people keep giving OP the wrong information. She can of course force the sale of the house. There are no children involved, they're all adults.

.......

valoren wrote: »

You sell the house simply because she wants it sold? Is the house paid off? Your dad needs to grow a pair. I assume it's paid (or nearly paid) off. You've mentioned she never worked so hasn't contributed anything into paying it off over the mortgage term. She now wants her cut but morally speaking she can sing for it. You will all be looking for accommodation after the house is sold, am I right? Do not sell the house. She can't force it. Just tell her to stay put with her fancy man and threaten her with a restraining order is she begins harassing you all. Clearly she couldn't give a damn about any of you all, it might be best to adopt a similar attitude.

The OP is 30 and says that their parents marriage failed 10 years ago. So for over 20 years the woman was married and living in the family home with her husband. If she never worked it was because she was raising children. One has to assume that this was the agreed arrangement between the two parents at the time.

Making a financial contribution is not the only value one adds to the shared assets in a marriage and the law would disagree strongly with you wrt to selling the family home 10 years after a marriage has broken up when the children are adults. A sale can indeed be forced. Why wouldnt she want to sell up considering she is 10 years out of the marriage?

Why does her now partner have to be referred to as a "fancy man". Marriages break up. People move on. Name calling helps no one.

How can you say that she doesnt give a damn about anyone in her family given what has been posted - thats an entirely ignorant statement to make.

3DataModem

Idle Passerby wrote: »

The fact your mum is regularly letting herself into a home she left years ago is fairly antagonistic on her part. .

She’s protecting her interest. Nobody can claim she abandoned the home. Nobody can claim the split wasn’t amicable. Her new boyfriend must be - or have - a good lawyer.

valoren

....... wrote: »

The OP is 30 and says that their parents marriage failed 10 years ago. So for over 20 years the woman was married and living in the family home with her husband. If she never worked it was because she was raising children. One has to assume that this was the agreed arrangement between the two parents at the time.

Making a financial contribution is not the only value one adds to the shared assets in a marriage and the law would disagree strongly with you wrt to selling the family home 10 years after a marriage has broken up when the children are adults. A sale can indeed be forced. Why wouldnt she want to sell up considering she is 10 years out of the marriage?

Why does her now partner have to be referred to as a "fancy man". Marriages break up. People move on. Name calling helps no one.

How can you say that she doesnt give a damn about anyone in her family given what has been posted - thats an entirely ignorant statement to make.

The relationship ended 9 years ago but she still calls to the house weekly to clean it and to cause strife and arguments? What a very strange situation indeed. Are they even separated legally? Are they legally divorced? If not then yeah, flaunting about in the open constitutes her having a 'fancy' man i.e. she is being a kept woman while still legally married. Clarification is needed about that. It seems that this situation has been put on the long finger for too long, the mother now wanting her cut. This should all have been sorted 9 years ago and the negative equity of the house taken on and managed.

Mr. Incognito

Get a decent solicitor and let him stand up for you as you all seem to be bullied into submission

Hannibal_Smith

But isn't the separation and sale of the house between the parents? The OP is asking whether they should cut the mother out of their life, not what should be done regarding the house?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm afraid that the house belongs equally to your mam and dad, which means that in the event of a separation an agreement needs to be made on the house. Usually one person buys the other out, or if that is not possible then the house is sold and the proceeds split. You are 3 adults now living in a house. You should be in a position to club together to buy your mam out or to sell up and the 3 of you buy somewhere else or make your own way.

The fact that your mam never "contributed" to the house is irrelevant. Say for example she has been a stay at home parent and your dad had left her. Would it be right for your dad to take full control of the house, full ownership and not give your mam a cent from it? Because that it what is happening now. The fact that she is in another relationship is irrelevant. She deserves a portion of the family home.

Your dad should see a solicitor as a matter of priority. You should speak to your dad and offer whatever financial assistance you seem appropriate if you would like to remain in the family home. And if you want your mother removed completely then buy her out or sell it.

As for cutting your mother out, that is your choice to make, and nobody has the right to tell you one way or another. Lots of people have broken relationships with their parents and family for various reasons.

LegacyUser

Hi all - OP here,

Thank you for all responses - it is appreciated.

To clarify - my parents have not legally separated or divorced. My mother has not done that, nor has she dropped my father's name.

A lot of the narrative I wrote was background information.

With regards to the future, we won't have enough for a new property if my sister and I move out with my father, but my mother is saying she will club in with my father to buy a new dwelling outright to a) get rid of the existing house and debt associated with it and b) because she wants to have a base in Dublin - she currently resides outside of the capital. Obviously, my father does not want this as he doesn't want her to be able to come and go as she feels in what would be his primary residence. However, he may be reduced to renting until old age. It is a tough decision

I think it is best that we go our three ways. Thanks all.

Big Bag of Chips

valoren, ......., and BBFAN, please remember you are posting in Personal Issues and are expected to offer advice to the OP in your replies. Direct mature, constructive, civil advice to the OP and take your discussion off thread please.

Off topic posts deleted.

Toots

OP your father needs to get legal advice straight away. The best thing you can do for him is organise an appointment with a solicitor and explain the situation to them and go from there.

Ursus Horribilis

Cutherout wrote: »

To clarify - my parents have not legally separated or divorced. My mother has not done that, nor has she dropped my father's name.

This being the case, your father needs to URGENTLY get legal advice. This is a mess and I've a bad feeling your mother has been running rings around the lot of you. At the end of the day, it's not going to come down to which of you was the nicer person or who's being honourable. If your father has been burying his head in the sand, then perhaps you're the one who'll need to make the call and get in touch with a solicitor.

pwurple

I think you need to live your own life at this stage, rather than continue the obsession with their relationship. It has become such a large part of your life that your are still at home, living with your dad while your mum comes and cleans up after you.

Find your own job, your own house, your own boyfriend, children etc.

No need to cut anyone out with dramatic gestures. just, maybe do your own thing for a while.

Paddy Cow

Cutherout wrote: »

Hi all - OP here,

Thank you for all responses - it is appreciated.

To clarify - my parents have not legally separated or divorced. My mother has not done that, nor has she dropped my father's name.

A lot of the narrative I wrote was background information.

With regards to the future, we won't have enough for a new property if my sister and I move out with my father, but my mother is saying she will club in with my father to buy a new dwelling outright to a) get rid of the existing house and debt associated with it and b) because she wants to have a base in Dublin - she currently resides outside of the capital. Obviously, my father does not want this as he doesn't want her to be able to come and go as she feels in what would be his primary residence. However, he may be reduced to renting until old age. It is a tough decision

I think it is best that we go our three ways. Thanks all.

No no no no no. Under no circumstances can you allow your father to be bullied into doing this. She has some cheek! :eek:

I don't understand how your father could buy a house outright with your mother's help but wouldn't be able to do it on his own? Assuming both would be putting in 50% to buy it outright, could he not use his 50% as a huge chunk for a smaller property and then be paying mortgage rather than rent?

You are definitely right to cut contact with your mother. She probably won't bother with you anyways unless she needs somewhere to stay. It will also be better for you to separate from your sister. You need to be able to move on from this emotionally if you are to have any chance of a normal life yourself. If your sister is severely damaged by this she will have a harder time letting go and will keep dragging you into the bitterness.

It's an awful situation op. Marriages break up and people move on but your mother is being a right cow to rub it in all of your faces the way she does. She has moved on but isn't willing to let you guys do the same.

dubstarr

I think the op is getting 2 situations mixed up.
He can cut his mother out if he wishes.But the house and their marriage is between them.You and your sister are too involved in your parents relationship.

Little Less Conversation

It's not unusual for adults in their 30s to continue living at home. The OP isn't involved in their parents relationship, their home is being sold because of a selfish mother. Well nothing good will ever come from this for the mother, I have seen karma and it will eventually catch up with her.

Malayalam

You have now given one third of your life to feeling hard done by, helpless, victimised, struggling, angry and judgmental about your mother, impoverished, suffocated, jealous, bitter, frustrated. Whatever you decide to do it will hopefully be with a lighter heart, and more self sufficiency than these past 10 years. Prioritise a happier, healthier attitude about your life and encourage the same in your sister and Da. Ye are all alive and at least reasonably well and life could yet be sweet.

Emme

The OP's father needs to get legal advice and the OP and sister need to back him up with this. He is being bullied. This site might help as well:

www.amen.ie

As for the OP cutting their mother out, focus on that only when proper legal advice has been obtained for the OP's father.

seamus

BBFAN wrote: »

AGAIN, don't know why people keep giving OP the wrong information. She can of course force the sale of the house.

She can't. Not immediately and without consent of the other owner.

She can't just say, "I want to sell" and that's it, game over. It's far more complicated than that. But the fact that another owner of the property is living in it, gives that person for more levity.

If the resident owner refuses to sell, the easiest way for the non-resident owner to force a sale is to go to court and get a court order. Which will take a considerable amount of time and money, and is unlikely to fall in favour of the non-resident unless they are badly stuck for money and the resident is not.

The OP's mother is well looked after financially and has no pressing need to sell the property. The OP's father will struggle to find a place to live if his home is sold.

It's incredibly unlikely a court would grant an order forcing a sale.

So no, it's incorrect to say that she can force a sale.

---

As others say OP, this is a complete mess, and I would urge you to get your father to speak to a solicitor. I don't know what's going through their heads, but the idea that she'd go in halves on another property with your father so she can "have a place" is appalling. He shouldn't be considering letting her get her claws even further into his life, he should be attempting to cut all ties.

Your father needs to begin the separation process. He'd be better off renting till old age on his own rather than have your mother lording it over him and swooping in and out of his life at her will.

I'd also suggest as above that he speak to Amen. Or even you do. As hard as it probably is to hear, there is all the description in your posts of a long-term abusive relationship, which has likely destroyed your father's self-confidence. This organisation will be able to help guide him to getting back his independence and self worth.

Emme

seamus wrote: »

If the resident owner refuses to sell, the easiest way for the non-resident owner to force a sale is to go to court and get a court order. Which will take a considerable amount of time and money, and is unlikely to fall in favour of the non-resident unless they are badly stuck for money and the resident is not.

The OP's mother is well looked after financially and has no pressing need to sell the property. The OP's father will struggle to find a place to live if his home is sold.

It's incredibly unlikely a court would grant an order forcing a sale.

So no, it's incorrect to say that she can force a sale.

---

The OP's father should speak to a good solicitor ASAP who will give him proper advice.

BrokenArrows

Cutherout wrote: »

Hi all - OP here,

Thank you for all responses - it is appreciated.

To clarify - my parents have not legally separated or divorced. My mother has not done that, nor has she dropped my father's name.

A lot of the narrative I wrote was background information.

With regards to the future, we won't have enough for a new property if my sister and I move out with my father, but my mother is saying she will club in with my father to buy a new dwelling outright to a) get rid of the existing house and debt associated with it and b) because she wants to have a base in Dublin - she currently resides outside of the capital. Obviously, my father does not want this as he doesn't want her to be able to come and go as she feels in what would be his primary residence. However, he may be reduced to renting until old age. It is a tough decision

I think it is best that we go our three ways. Thanks all.

If your mother and father are not divorced then under no circumstances should you be selling that house.

Go down the legal route to make sure everything is shared correctly.
Since selling is obviously going to put you into hardship i dont know why you are agreeing to this.

klm1

As a few other people have said at this stage, get legal advice for your Dad and counselling for yourself and your brother.

Be slow to act in cutting your mother from your life, in my early years my parents caused me a world of grief which I won't go into here and I often thought to cut them both out of my life completely.

I went through a stage of wanting a big public 'Your're cut off' showdown/outing with my parents, but that was the emotional equivalent of lashing out, I was hurt and wanted them to know it.

Eventually I was forced into cutting my parents out of my life completely, I honestly couldn't see a way to live a happy life with them involved, so I cut them off. A decision I regretted shortly afterwards when one parent died.

Your mum doesn't appear to have your best interests at heart, I can imagine that hurts you, it's a 'right' and something we feel is an absolute basic of life. I wouldn't advise cutting her off, but I would advise you to adjust the terms of your relationship with her. By that I mean; Only see her when you want to, change the locks in the house - she moved out, she gave up right of entry as far as I'm concerned.

You can distance yourself from her without cutting her off.

Best of luck in your situation, family life is tough sometimes.