How do i get over him?

LegacyUser

Broke up with my ex about a year ago. We lived together, so it took some time to change our arrangements. I ended up moving out in November, and we've been in contact intermittently since then. Usually it's been me texting him in a moment of weakness, we get into a conversation, end up meeting for dinner or takeaway, then back to radio silence for a few weeks.

We broke up for practical reasons - we couldn't meet eye to eye on plans for our future, different attitudes towards money, depression and anxiety on his side that he never was willing to address.

I can't get over the love I have for him. I know I've made a lot of the textbook mistakes that you're not supposed to make when a relationship is over - staying in touch, not deleting his number etc. I'm not young - I'm a 34 year old woman so should really know better! But in actuality it was my first long-term relationship, my first time being in love, and I can't get over this feeling that even though it was nowhere near perfect, I'll never have anything better, or even close to what I had with him again.

How do you move on from a love like this? How can I honestly believe that I'll find love again, when it took me this long in the first place?

I'd love to hear some thoughts.

Mr. Incognito

You wont get over him by keeping him around

Cut the cord properly and let yourself heal

LegacyUser

stillhunguponhim wrote: »

We broke up for practical reasons - we couldn't meet eye to eye on plans for our future, different attitudes towards money, depression and anxiety on his side that he never was willing to address.

Besides cutting all contact, I'd also suggest you focus on the reasons you broke up with him, as you've laid them out them out above. I think your first focus should be on the fact that those aren't practical issues, they're fundamental compatibility issues that would kill any relationship and while it may not feel like it right now, that relationship ending was a good thing. The alternative, based just on what you've said there, would be to waste your time trying to align attitudes to marriage, stress each other about money and suffer someone else's untreated mental health issues. Doesn't sound like much of a life for either of you. I think you could also ask yourself why you were willing to accept a relationship with so many problems and you're still pining for it, instead of getting on with your life and maybe finding something better.

Rosepetals85

Is there a chance you can talk to him and work out these issues. I’m more for fight for the relationship before throwing in the towel. Being with someone that has depression is hard work and does put a strain on a relationship but if you love him, you will stand by him through his dark days as well as his good and vice versa, even if you take a step back.
I don’t think your issues are that bad to be honest. Many couples go through worse and still come out on the other side togather. If I was you op, I would tell him how I feel. Is he doesn’t want a relationship with you at least you know that you tried. It’s worth a shot.

manual_man

The first cut is the deepest. Give yourself time to heal. But ultimately in order to move forward you'll have to be brutally honest about how things went down and if you have played any part yourself as things deteriorated. Love is a two way thing and it feels good. Sometimes I think we can wish for something to be good when in truth maybe it's not so good. We have to demand the best, we have to be honest. You should start with yourself. Then things can become clearer for you

LuckyLloyd

I don't think we ever "get over" people the way its commonly discussed and described. I think we just accept a different reality over time. Breaking up with someone you're living with is a traumatic thing. So much of your day to day life is fully intertwined - you'll have relationships with family / friends that essentially end overnight. It's extremely difficult. BUT you had very good reasons for doing so - it's what you wanted.

As such, you have to make a new reality. A life without your ex. And over time you'll accept it and "move on". That requires you to cut contact however. You shouldn't be speaking regularly and you certainly shouldn't be meeting up. So long as you're doing that it will be difficult to accept that it's over. And sometimes it might be difficult to remember why you broke up.

So start there. The usual cliches that people will tell you around focussing on yourself for a while, staying active and taking on some personal projects are the right things to be thinking about for now. As you do that and move forward in your week to week life as an individual opportunities to meet other people will come up. In time, there's no immediate rush.

Best of luck.