I am wondering if my very good memory is keeping me from moving on...

Rck888746

I'll try to make this short...

I had a LDR relationship for about 4 months. It ended last November because she couldn't handle the distance. She made very clear that we would be together if the circumstances were different, but the distance was eating her up and it was best for us to end it before we get too attached. The last time I talked to her was a birthday message in January. In February I tried again but she didn't answer. I sent her a last message and blocked her on everything. Since then I saw nothing from her.

Last July a big coincidence happened (I won't get into details because would be too long) which made me discover that she is pregnant. By the timeline of this I know she didn't cheat on me, but even so, was a hard hit to take. The final one, because with things ending the way they did I had hope, but after this information, I knew it was really over and I could keep moving on...

The thing is: I have a very good memory. Like, really really good. I remember all sort of things that happened to me years back, the dates in which something completely not important happened, faces, conversations, etc... I always liked to be that way, but now I am beggining to think that this is horrible for moving on from the relationship, because there are a lot of stupid little things that function as a trigger for me remembering her.

Because of the distance and our jobs, we managed to see each other only once in these 4 months. It was the weekend of September 23-24 last year. It is making one year today and I just can't think of anything else. I would understand having a lot of triggers if the relationship lasted years, but with the time we were together, I should have been able to move on already, or at least not being this hurt in a date like this.

Is there anything I can do? How long does it take to forget this kind of thing? I wonder if I am doing something wrong or if my memory is just making this a lot harder than it should be...

Kidchameleon

OP sorry that you are experiencing such strong emotions, its not easy. But she made herself clear, the distance was not working. She moved on with her life. You should move on with yours.

LegacyUser

Rck888746 wrote: »

.... I had a LDR relationship for about 4 months......we managed to see each other only once in these 4 months......
...

Is that correct?

If so, then I think you should try forgetting about this and moving on.

zapper55

The fact that you are this upset by a relationship where you only met the person once makes me wonder if this is your only relationship. Remembering that weekend especially if it was your only one doesn't mean you have an amazing memory it just means it meant a lot to you.

Have you ever spoken to a counsellor about this? It all seems very very intense for such a short relationship where ye only met once.

milli milli

Everybody is different. Some people get over people really quickly, others take an age. I would be the latter. It’s a bit of a hindrance in dating to be honest.
People are so unique that is hard to find others with the same combination of characteristics and quirks,
so for me if I really like someone then it is tough, because those people are essentially irreplaceable because of their uniqueness.
So really one person can’t say, ‘oh you should be over it by now.’ They don’t know what you shared or want went on with both of you.
What makes it extra hard, is it was the distance that stopped you from being together, it wasn’t because she didn’t like/love you.

But having said all that, this girl is now pregnant by someone else so really it’s a very messy situation to want to be a part of. It quite clearly says she has moved on (whether by plan or accident) and it wouldn’t be fair on you to pursue it.

All I can say is, look after yourself, keep busy with things, spend time with family and friends and when you’re ready to get back out there dating again, do so.
Time is a great healer, it really is.
Don’t listen to people who tell you, you should be this or that. We are all different and deal with breakups differently.

Also some girl released a phone app especially for breakups - don’t remember what it’s called but it’s supposed to be good. It’s a kind of daily thing to help you through the breakup process.

Rck888746

Thank you all for the posts...
About trying to move on, as some of you said, that's my point, I've been trying for months and seems that is not working. So I don't know if I am doing something wrong or if for me it will take more time.

Zapper55, no. This wasn't my only relationship... but it was the first time I feel like that for someone. And I didn't say I have a good memory because I remember the weekend. I gave examples of simple things in other aspects of life I can remember and just wonder if this has got to do with the fact that it has been so hard to forget her.

___________

"People are so unique that is hard to find others with the same combination of characteristics and quirks, 
so for me if I really like someone then it is tough, because those people are essentially irreplaceable because of their uniqueness.
So really one person can’t say, ‘oh you should be over it by now.’ They don’t know what you shared or want went on with both of you.
What makes it extra hard, is it was the distance that stopped you from being together, it wasn’t because she didn’t like/love you"

[font=Open Sans, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Milli, that's exactly how I feel. You nailed it, she is different from any other girl I had something. And this is not putting her on a pedestal (I know we tend to do that with people we like). She has her bad things too and I know it, but she is exactly the type of person I would like to be with. And, like you said, the worst is knowking that if it wasn't for the distance, we would be together.[/font]

[font=Open Sans, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Anyway, it is not my plan to try anything again, I just want to move on because it seems a lot of time passed and I still feeling like we broke up just a few days ago.
[/font]

leggo

I'll try make this easier for you with some bluntness OP. I'm genuinely trying to help here, so even if your natural reaction is to be like "You don't understand" or anything that lets you slip into denial, try go with it because accepting it (which is a choice) will make it easier.

OP you weren't in love with this person. You met her once. You had one good weekend, one time. That's the entirety of your real world interaction. It is actually impossible for you to feel real love for this person, because real love involves spending a lot of time with someone, going through stuff together, learning that you can trust them and so on. What you're feeling is infatuation based off a projection of what you felt this relationship could have been. The texts, calls, Skype calls etc you guys would've had...they're essentially just promises/teasers for what could've been, like a trailer for a movie: you can love the trailer but the movie could be a completely different experience. You then imagined what your relationship could/would be like at a time when the two of you could be together and THAT'S what you're mourning right now.

And I'm not saying that that's not something worth being sad about. Infatuation is still very real when you experience it and wreaks havoc on our hormones and emotions, so don't feel foolish or anything here, it happens to us all. But try contextualise it in your mind with the view that your relationship was essentially one nice weekend, then 25% based off calls/texts/whatever, with 75% of it probably just you imagining what it will be like one day (which never came to pass). You say you've never felt like that for someone before, but those positive emotions actually all came from you, because there wasn't a proper relationship here to speak of. So these weren't real feelings for a real relationship, this was an idyllic dream you accepted as reality. You know what feels even better than that? Actual reality. A real relationship with someone you like who is physically there time and time again for you. This girl never, ever gave you that: the most basic of tenets a relationship is built on (which is nobody's fault, just is what it is). So work through this now, forgive yourself for feeling low, but identify this for what it is instead of deluding yourself into thinking this was something it wasn't, then look for something real and I guarantee you'll look back on this in the future and won't even blink.

Rck888746

Thanks leggo. Your post was very helpful and I know you are probably right. In fact, I read something similar months ago in another situation that made me think about my situation and it was basically the same thing you said.

But doesn't this make everything worse? What if one day I start a normal relationship and for some reason it ends... I'm gonna feel what? 10x worse than I feel about this one? It is scary...

My point in all this recently is not if I am/was in love with her, if it was a real relationship or not... I just want it to end. And scares me to think that it never will... because I wake up and spend hours without thinking about her and then I see/hear/read anything that reminds me of it... and, just like this weekend, there will be some date in which I'll think "oh this is the day THAT happened" and this goes on and on... and so I am hurt for a time more than double what the relationship lasted. 

This makes me feel so weak and stupid...

ginandtonicsky

This isn’t about her or your feelings for her. It’s about you not giving yourself what you need to move on.

What is it that you need? Do you have a social circle? Friends, hobbies, a fulfilling career? Are you currently dating and meeting new women? Have you had any damaging situations in previous relationships that are being dragged to by this? Fear of abandonment, emotionally distant or unavailable exes, low self esteem?

You’ve latched onto this woman and this dating scenario to prove some point to yourself, to reaffirm some self belief that you have that you’re unable to shake.

Leggo is exactly right that she represented some idealised version of what you wanted, rather than being someone you actually knew and loved. She still represents that and she’s still justifying something deep-seated in you that’s afraid to move on and be vulnerable again.

Rck888746

I guess I understand what you guys meant, but, if you are right... what do I need to do?

Yes, I have a social circle, friends, hobbies, etc... but my job is not a "normal" one, I have a LOT of free time/days off... sometimes I go out and do stuff I like, sometimes I just stay home.

About dating again, I tried. I had one thing with a girl for about 2 months, April-June. But it was very casual and none of us wanted anything serious and we made it very clear, so no harm done to any of us. Besides her, I had some dates, but nothing special. And in a lot of them I just got out of it thinking that they are not nice as this one that doesn't get out of my head (or the idea of her, like you guys say...). About the other questions, no I never had any damaging experiences in previous relationships... and yes, I guess I have low self esteem.

It is not possible that it is a little more simple than you are telling me? That I just met someone with a personality that I really like and because of certain circumstances we can't be together? Or you think that if it was simple as that I would have already moved on? I'm not trying to be uncooperative here, I am just really trying to understand...

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I can only echo what the others have said in terms of how it sounds like you might be idealising this person in your mind. I've been in normal distance relationships and not really seen what a person was like or undertood our *true* dynamic until a year or so in....

When I think back to my first weekend away with my boyfriend, it was incredible and we both fell for each-other in a massive way on the back of it but we were on best behaviour, making loads of effort completely besotted with the excitement of a new relationship.....we still enjoy weekends away but a lot of politeness and effort has gone out the window... For you to feel like you've lost "The-One" based on one weekend is really unfair to yourself and exceptionally unfair on the people you will go on to date in the future.

One thing I really believe is that if a relationship is the right relationship and a healthy relationship.....then it's actually really difficult to f*ck it up.