am i in the wrong or is she being selfish?

LegacyUser

All this week I have been down as it has been a year since my mums death. I havent been to work and felt I needed to be alone so didnt really talk to anyone. My friend and I had plans to go out this weekend and she text me during the week to see if we were still on. I didnt reply for two days as I didnt want to say yes and just wanted to be alone. When I did reply she gave out saying it wasnt fair on her as she wanted to make plans which I understand and I told her I would honour our plans. I apologised and explained. She said I could have rang or met her and I thanked her and explained that I just didnt feel up to it. I asked her if we could do something else tonight like get food or go to a movie instead of a night out and she replied quiet sharp saying she could do no more than offer to talk and no she was going out with her friends tonight as she needed a night out. I feel like a bad friend but also feel like shes being a bit self-centered as I told her I havent even been able to get out of bed this week. I would like opinions on this please am I in the wrong?

leggo

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong. If you’re not telling your friend what’s going on, I can see how she’d be frustrated. But also you’re under no obligation to share that information if you don’t want to. If you feel close enough to talk to her about it, even a little bit by way of explanation, I’d do so and move past it.

qwerty13

You could have replied to say that you didn’t know if you were up to meeting up this weekend.

In your ideal world, she wouldn’t mind waiting a few days for your reply, and then would still be free to meet up with you. But she probably has other friends / family / obligations on her time. So no, I don’t think she was being selfish.

LegacyUser

She knew it was the anniversary. I told her Thursday I was upset and why and said to make other plans if she wishes. I didnt completely cancel on her either I told her I would meet her but asked could we just do something different but IMO she didnt care and all she wanted was someone to go out with

Big Bag of Chips

It can be upsetting to realise, OP but your mam's anniversary isn't important to anyone other than those who were closest to her. In an ideal world your friend would be more understanding and compassionate about your feelings, but these days people can be very self absorbed and forgetful of others. If it is a once off, out of the ordinary thing for her then I'd be willing to just let it go. You're not up to having it out with her at the moment, so I'd just let it slide and if you're up to it in a few days/next week send her a message asking her if she'd like to go to the cinema, out for something to eat... Something like that. Not every incident needs to be hashed out. She may even have her own stuff going on at the minute.

If she's usually the type to get stroppy over things not going her way then you might want to pull back from the friendship a little.

qwerty13

guest778899 wrote: »

She knew it was the anniversary. I told her Thursday I was upset and why and said to make other plans if she wishes. I didnt completely cancel on her either I told her I would meet her but asked could we just do something different but IMO she didnt care and all she wanted was someone to go out with

Ok, but when did she know it was the anniversary. Did she know this before you didn’t reply to her for 2 days? Or was Thursday when you replied to her after not communicating for 2 days? And to be fair, you told her to make alternative plans.

She’s not a mind-reader OP. You didn’t communicate, and when you did, you (IMO) made it sound like you didn’t want to meet her. So she did her own thing.

It’s understandable that you’re below par this week, but you can’t expect your friend to magically know what you want if you don’t tell her. In my opinion you are blaming her unfairly, because she didn’t sit around waiting to see how you felt on the day.

LegacyUser

qwerty13 wrote: »

Ok, but when did she know it was the anniversary. Did she know this before you didn’t reply to her for 2 days? Or was Thursday when you replied to her after not communicating for 2 days? And to be fair, you told her to make alternative plans.

She’s not a mind-reader OP. You didn’t communicate, and when you did, you (IMO) made it sound like you didn’t want to meet her. So she did her own thing.

It’s understandable that you’re below par this week, but you can’t expect your friend to magically know what you want if you don’t tell her. In my opinion you are blaming her unfairly, because she didn’t sit around waiting to see how you felt on the day.

She has known for the past few weeks. We had a Mass on Sunday and I was speaking to her that day and told her all about it. She has known for weeks its was the anniversary and I told her up until Thursday how bad I was feeling.
No I didnt make it sound like i didnt want to meet her. I said we would meet up as planned I just asked her could we do something else other than go drinking as i really didnt want a big night out I just preferred to go for a meal or cinema etc. I didnt blow her off I did want to see her i just asked could we not go drinking

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I can understand being put out when you don't hear from a friend for two days and you're trying to plan your weekend around them, and calling them out on it. I can understand not realising it's the anniversary.

I can't understand that when your friend explains, APOLOGISES, says they're not up for going out but a movie or food would be nice, then going "no I need a night out".

You were a bit all over the place on the first anniversary of a parent's death, you didn't cancel the plans, you apologised for not texting back. Is there something difficult going on in her own life, have you a history of flaking? I'm trying her reaction, it seems so cold.

Ursus Horribilis

I think both of you handled this badly.

I'm sorry for your loss and how hard things must be this week. I have to say though, you are the only person I've ever come across who went to ground for a week on the anniversary of a parent's death. I'm not sure it's healthy but that's another matter entirely.

In my opinion, you should have replied to your friend's text. She asked you a simple question. I'm sure she'd have understood if you'd replied and said you weren't sure yet.

I've seen plenty of issues that have come up here which could've been resolved by better communication. This incident is the sort of thing which has the potential to fester and ruin your friendship. So if you want to get you and her back onto an even keel, nip this in the bud now. Have a proper conversation about this, put it behind you and let bygones be bygones.

up for anything

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I have to say though, you are the only person I've ever come across who went to ground for a week on the anniversary of a parent's death. I'm not sure it's healthy but that's another matter entirely.

Everyone deals with death in a different way. A couple of my friends took a parent's death extremely hard. One started drinking and had several suicide attempts but has gotten back on the right track now and the other cried every time she thought of her father for about three years. I don't think you're abnormal, OP, and I don't think the way you are handling it is unhealthy. You do what you have to do in the best way for you and if it's mourning in bed for a week then do it.

In days gone by people had set mourning periods and ways to behave during them imposed on them by society and/or religion which gave them time to assimilate the loss and deal with it. It could include not going out socialising amongst other things. There must be nothing more awful than being out in noisy pubs and clubs full of drunk people when all you want to do is feel your grief. My very wise cousin said, "“Acceptance is knowing that grief is a raging river. And you have to get into it. Because when you do, it carries you to the next place. It eventually takes you to open land, somewhere where it will turn out OK in the end.”

The way the Irish bury their dead is extraordinary especially for a country with a cold climate. Die on a Monday, buried, done and dusted by noon on a Tuesday or Wednesday and so much of that time eaten up by making arrangements. People barely have time to register the person has died let alone mourn them before it's back to work and business as usual and the noise and clatter of everyday life can block out the grief until one day it hits like a ton of bricks. Lots of people find the anniversaries, especially the first, very difficult. I did myself with my mother's. I'd love to have had the time to sit down and think about her and cry a bit and remember the good times and the bad times because I think it would do me good and it would also honour her memory but my children have had crises both years. I promise myself that on her next anniversary in December that the world can go to hell and I'll go and sit in a place she loved and just take the time to think of her and talk to her and pour her a whiskey.

As for your friend... Jesus Christ, I find her cold and hard. A normal friend would make huge allowances for you especially on the first anniversary and she should have been round demanding for you to let her in and keep you company even if you didn't want it. She could have dropped you round a lasagne, ice cream, wine, books but most of all herself. She could have acknowledged your grief and let you cry it out on her shoulder. Never mind expecting anything of you despite you saying it. She's a silly immature girl/woman - what age is she anyway? Wanting you to go with her and then dropping you for a more lively night out. Get to **** with her. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. It does get easier as time goes on but that's easy for me to say as I still have my father, supportive siblings, some good friends and demanding children who leave little time for introspection. It may be quite different for you. Hugs and I hope you feel better. I'd distance myself from your selfish, unthinking and uncaring friend though. You'll do better without her.

kaji

You were not being selfish at all. Your friend should have been more understanding. A year is nothing at all, you are still grieving. Mind yourself and do things at your own pace.

woodchuck

Playing devils advocate here, but if I was in your friends shoes trying to plan my weekend and you ignored my messages for 2 days, I'd be pretty pissed off.

Maybe she has issues atm too and her way of coping is going on a night out instead of crawling into bed for a week? I'm not saying one way of coping is better than the other, but people do have different ways of coping with problems.

However... she should be more understanding about what you're going through atm. But it's difficult to know if she's purely being selfish, or is dealing with her own problems atm.

Macmillan150

Two sides to it I’d say too. She can’t be a shoulder to cry on if you won’t return a text.
Has she been a good friend all year? Have you been depressed and unable to work for long? Or just this week?
If she’s been generally supportive I’d let it pass.

qwerty13

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think both of you handled this badly.

I'm sorry for your loss and how hard things must be this week. I have to say though, you are the only person I've ever come across who went to ground for a week on the anniversary of a parent's death. I'm not sure it's healthy but that's another matter entirely.

In my opinion, you should have replied to your friend's text. She asked you a simple question. I'm sure she'd have understood if you'd replied and said you weren't sure yet.

I've seen plenty of issues that have come up here which could've been resolved by better communication. This incident is the sort of thing which has the potential to fester and ruin your friendship. So if you want to get you and her back onto an even keel, nip this in the bud now. Have a proper conversation about this, put it behind you and let bygones be bygones.

I think this post sums it up very very well. I’ve been there OP, only a year outside your timeline. So it’s not like I don’t understand what you're talking about.

However, as BBoC posted, no one feels anything approaching the same grief as you do re your Mum. Yes, people are very good, nice, and sympathise - but they don’t get it, unless they’ve been through it too. To expect otherwise is foolish.

Also, I’m afraid people only have limited space in their lives for other people’s trauma. I’d be hard pressed to think of a friend who didn’t have something going on in their own life. With the best will in the world, people just can’t be there for you 24/7.

It would be fantastic if your friend could wait for you to contact her, put her plans on hold, and facilitate you. But life doesn’t necessarily work like that. She has her own life, and undoubtedly her own stuff going on - which you may not know about. Maybe she genuinely did need a blow out night.

I think you need to communicate better with your friend. Your expectations seem very high, in that you thought not replying to her was ok, changing plans was ok, and her waiting for you to decide how you felt was ok - but you didn’t tell her any of this, and then got pissed off with her when she didn’t anticipate your needs. That’s not fair of you.

SirChenjin

OP, I would feel for someone knowing that they were trying to get through an anniversary of a parent or loved one. That first anniversary is a big milestone.

In your friend's shoes, I would have presumed the weekend plans were not going ahead given that you had been off from work for the week.
I think she could have phrased things a bit better, knowing that it was a difficult time for you.

Please take care of yourself.

molly09

kaji wrote: »

You were not being selfish at all. Your friend should have been more understanding. A year is nothing at all, you are still grieving. Mind yourself and do things at your own pace.

I completely agree with this op, mind yourself this week and these days must be very difficult for you. Your friend sounds a bit immature and I feel she is the selfish one here to be honest. I hope you are feeling a bit better and maybe call one of your other friends and go for a meal, cinema etc.

LegacyUser

Op, as someone who lost my father in a car accident when I was 14, and my mother to cancer at 21, I think you are in the wrong here.

What I have learned is that unless someone goes through it, they can never imagine for a second what it's like to lose a loved one.

They certainly don't understand why you would still be going on and on about it a year later. I myself don't fully understand heightened emotions around anniversary time- I feel the loss every single day and anniversaries make no difference. I also learned along the way that the only people i talk to about the loss are those who've been through the same. Others can see it as attention seeking and dramatic to get stuck too much in the past.

I know this is cold and harsh but it's been my reality.

I think you were rude to not reply to your friend for 2 days, to me it seems attention seeking and dramatic. A message doesn't take much energy, maybe your friend feels drained by you.

Just my 2c. I know it's hard but you have to keep moving forward too. Life has moved on for everyone else and you can't expect them to mourn your loss forever.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I have to say though, you are the only person I've ever come across who went to ground for a week on the anniversary of a parent's death.

I did for my dads anniversary. I was so focused on helping my mum who feel apart for the first year that i didn't process anything for myself and when the 1st anniversary came around it hit me like a train and it was like loosing him all over again. It's been 10 years and each year it's still hard. Everyone reacts differently and until you are in the situation you don't know how you will. I would have been described as quite an unemotional person before hand and I found it hard to relate to people grieving but I'd only lost distant relatives up to that point.

I can also understand the OP not being direct to her friend. I became paranoid I was annoying people by still missing my dad months after his funeral. Some people made me feel like I should have X amount of time to be sad but then you just get over it and move on so I kept agreeing to meet ups etc when I wasn't ready and I didn't want to talk about with friends as I felt I was annoying them to still be upset over it. It just made me more sad and caused friction with friends, speaking to my GP helped and the counselling they offered.

OP this is not a case of someone being wrong, you are both in different places right now so I strongly rec speaking to your GP about grief counselling, it doesn't make the loss go away but it does help.

valoren

She contacted you to see if you were still planning on meeting up.
She got radio silence from you so she must have assumed you weren't interested and made other plans.
When you eventually replied after 2 days and suggested meeting up as planned she told you she had other plans.

I can understand her getting annoyed. A simple text of 'another time perhaps' or something similar would have been the courteous thing and there would be no misunderstanding. Now if she got uppity over you feeling you weren't up for a planned night out then that's another thing. She is right to feel annoyed.

otnomart

guest778899 wrote: »

I didnt reply for two days as I didnt want to say yes and just wanted to be alone.

I would not ignore a friend or family member for this long; after all, if they are contacting me it means that they do care, so they should hear back from me.


Being on the other side, I would not mind receiving a reply like "Sorry, feeling low at the moment, don't know if I am up for going out; make your own plans and I'll be in touch when I feel better"


Anyway, I think it was a case of mis-communication, so if you are good friends, try to move on and ask her for coffee/cinema/meal as suggested above.

GingerLily

You ignored her so she made plans, I don't think that's selfish, I think she's just practical.

I think she was annoyed because you expected to her to put her weekend on hold for you without even telling her, which was unfair.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I lost my mother a few years back and I was very sensitive for a while, it's not easy.

I think you should make a new plan, to go out if that's what you want, or a night in if that's what you want, or even a nice walk (lovely this time of year) - ask her when she's free.