Low self esteem, insecurity, I want to fix it

LegacyUser

Does anyone have tips or advice on how to build my self confidence and be more secure in myself?

I'm female early 30s and should be happy with my life. But still I seem to seek the approval of others.

I have tried and failed several times with counselling. Apart from it being out of my budget currently, it wasn't a good experience for me.

I suffered abuse as a child and have found myself attracted to controlling and abusive men in adulthood. I've allowed a man who does not treat me well to be my closest friend. He is manipulative and controlling, and I'm finally beginning to see it. He preys on my sensitivity and emotional weakness and jokes about it and I see now after much evaluation that many relationships and friendships I've had were the same.

I think the key is building my own confidence and self belief. But I have no idea where to start.

I am very self aware but I don't like myself. I talk too much, I have a very unattractive face, a very big nose, I can go on for a long time about my faults. I exaggerate unknowingly to myself, this has caused me to be mocked by my abusive friend.

My body and figure are very good but that doesn't make me feel better..I don't care much about looks but probably having a poor image of myself doesn't help my confidence.

I long to be loved and I have a wonderful boyfriend who is kind and not abusive or controlling. But I still feel like I need more. I look to friends for approval. I am very down on myself all the time. Probably I hate myself.

I searched online but most resources I find are very Americanized and airy fairy. I just want to feel less sad and low and more happy in being by myself.

I feel lonely a lot and no longer like being alone. I like to spend time with others but many of the people i spend time with are not kind to me. They slag and joke at me a lot.

Any advice appreciated.

Mr. Incognito

I think we all feel like that.

A good trick is to try and build your self esteem up by picking up a hobby and being good at something and not basing your self importance on your looks.

Music is great, as it writing, art. Practice practice practice.

Set small goals.

Join a group with similar interests.

It will make a huge difference to your mental health and self esteem

Good luck. Hugs

per aspera ad astra

Fairchild9 wrote: »

I am very self aware but I don't like myself. I talk too much, I have a very unattractive face, a very big nose, I can go on for a long time about my faults. I exaggerate unknowingly to myself, this has caused me to be mocked by my abusive friend.

1. ALL women talk too much – and there's NOTHING wrong with that, it's just the way it is. Women speak something like 20,000 words on average per day – compared to men, who speak about 7000 words. It's TOTALLY normal!! It's just your way of working sh*t out – embrace it!

2. You do not have an unattractive face. Attractivity – yes, I know that's probably not a word – but it works great here, so – attractivity is totally subjective. What you see and what somebody else sees is completely different. Just because you aren't attracted to your face – doesn't mean nobody else is! That's not how it works! Everybody's face is beautiful – it's just about finding those that see it! And anyway – if we actually delve a bit deeper here, attractivity isn't always about how you actually look. It's about your air, your aura – so started loving yourself! Love yourself for who you are – I KNOW you have lots of good qualities! So love yourself, be kind to yourself and believe you ARE lovable – in time, that WILL be recognised!!

3. You do not have a big nose. And if you do – what the hell of it? Noses are for breathing in air, and smelling – nothing more!

4. Everybody has perceived faults, everybody! And good people will love you for your perceived faults! NOT MOCK YOU FOR THEM!!

5. Speaking of which – I think, if you can find the strength – you should try and tell your friend you want nothing more to do with him. Easy for me, or anybody to say – but he sounds like a total w*nker. He is holding you back from you being the you – you know, you want to be. The you, you ARE!

TLDR: Learn to love yourself. You ARE lovable!

Iddles76

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks so much to each and everyone of you who replied. I've read your replies multiple times, and I am determined to change my mind set.

In the past I did an art class, swimming group and horse riding class, I never had a moment free and I think I've become kind of down on myself and lost interest in all these things i used to enjoy. It's like my motivation has become very low. Since losing interest in these things the problems I write about have reared their heads.

I've heard about CBT before and I would like to try it but it would be a big financial undertaking for me at the moment and I fear I wouldn't get enough out of it after putting a lot of money in.

I suppose I'm being a little lazy in that I want an easy fix like reading a book to make me feel better in myself.

Thanks again everyone.

Finchie1276

Hiya,

I think you need to address the abuse, uncomfortable as it will be, your expectations of boundaries, trust and relationships are set in your younger years, for you the setting is a little bit off due to the abuse. This results in you not really knowing yourself or being able to set healthy boundaries and having low expectations of what to expect in relationships. Great thing is that it is changeable, we get a chance to change every day, every hour. Its so good that you recognise the wrongness of your relationship with your friend. There is a crack of light there and it is up to you to open it and explore.

Do the CBT, commit to it, give it your all, we only get one shot at life so make it amazing. Your belief s are holding you back but you can re-set them. CBT was superb for me and I hope you can grow from your experiences.

Very best of luck.