Trying to improve my life

LegacyUser

I turned 40 this year and whilst I have made some improvements in my life Id like some advice on how to push it further.

My successes so far


So far this year I have lost 5 stone , I was very overweight at 23 stone and I am now 17. My long term goal is 13.5 stone so I am not there yet but I have had a great start and people are already noticing


I cut out drinking , I found myself drinking a bottle almost 2 every night mainly down to just boredom initially but it eventually led to a dependency. It takes 14 days for the kick of Alcohol to leave the body so I toughed up and substituted it with the high from exercise . I now no longer crave it and instead crave exercising and healthy eating


Issues I still need fixing


At 40 I don't have many friends that aren't settled down so I have next to no social life, I work shift which is 4x12 hour days on followed by 4x12 hour days off so I actually have a lot of Free time and other than go to the gym I don't have much else to do with that Free time which leads me to a second issue I want to fixing Intimate relationships with women . I have never had a girl friend or any lasting success with Women. I have always been insecure because of my weight and never had the balls to make any sort of move. This scarcity has led me to having multiple crushes on girls at work over the years which have never gone anywhere and I am currently going through it with a girl at work right now and its just an awful feeling . I know I'm just projecting a fantasy onto this person because there are girls still there that I felt this way about before but feel nothing for now.


I also get very insecure thinking about what a future partner may think about my situation


He's never had a girlfriend

He doesn't have many friends

He doesn't have much going on for himself outside of work

Don't get me wrong there are pluses, I have a good job and when all this weight is gone I know I'm going to look very good and most people are shocked when I say I'm 40 thinking I'm early 30s at the most

Can anyone provide any insight here on what I should do? I found losing the weight and giving up the drink easy goals because it was specific and black and white on what I had to do


Lastly the other issue is finances, I should have 100-200k in savings because I have been working for 20 years in a good job. Instead I have been very bad with my money, I drive an old banger and live in rental accommodation . Its never too late to start but this is also something I'm insecure about when attracting a potential partner


I don't necessarily have to have a girl friend either but I would like to be better prepared for someone comes along like this girl at work I currently have a thing for

orthsquel

Hi OP, Congrats on the weight loss! Hope all that is still going well!

You've a lot to be proud of in losing weight and quitting drink, but these are all things you still need to invest them in the long-term, as in staying in shape, and adjusting yourself psychologically to a new weight, and maintaining a healthier lifestyle.

As you work shift work and have several days off together, you could use this as an opportunity to meet new people - what about hiking clubs or other outdoor activities? Some may have trips away around the country, with the few days off you could do something like that, just to be both healthy and doing something healthy and meeting new people. Would you consider even travelling around the country or going to other countries for a quick getaway on a cheap flight on your days off?

I think you may just need to step out a bit more out of your comfort zone and try new things...... there's often different festivals around the country, from food to mental health to health and fitness. Kathryn Thomas set up a fitness boot camp which looks quite interesting, would you be interested in some sort of fitness retreat like that? https://pureresultsbootcamp.com

Financially - a lot of people are in various financial situations, a lot of people in debt still with negative equity, a lot of of people living in expensive rentals. The only thing really is that what any partner wants is some sort of financial security and a financial plan. When you say you have been bad with your money, what do you mean? Are you just not watching what you spend it on, don't budget? MABS would have some helpful suggestions on budgeting if that is the issue, but if you are broke at the end of the month waiting until payday then you may have to take a long hard look at finances.

Everyone comes with a variety of experiences, good, bad, indifferent and none at all. I personally wouldn't have an issue with dating someone inexperienced, so long as they were the right kind of guy for me, but that is just me. I don't think you should be too focused on relationships at the moment if you are not feeling the most secure and confident in yourself, and instead work on those areas on yourself first and make sure you are happy with where you are and with your lot.

BrokenArrows

OP Try not to worry about the stuff that you cant change and change the things you can.

He's never had a girlfriend

He doesn't have many friends

He doesn't have much going on for himself outside of work

You cant change the fact they you have never had a girlfriend. Accept it, it is who you are. Yes potential partners may be querying why this was, but be truthful with them. That was the past you. The new you will be confident, sporty, healthy and as you mentioned looking young for your age.

You dont have many friends. Well this is something you can change. Maybe a the gym ask some guys who you see there often to spot you on a heavy lift. say thanks then then say Hi next time you see them etc.

Also since you have so much free time there are loads of stuff you could get involved in, sports, maybe some further education if you wanted or even some random new skill like wood working.

He doesn't have much going on for himself outside of work. Easily resolved by finding friends and hobbies.

Payton

Congrats on the new you. Have you tried Meetup.com, there are plenty of activities there. A good few of my friends took up dancing and now they travel around going to differant dances and some have met partners it seems to be a great social outlet.

RhubarbCrumble

Op, you're being very hard on yourself. You've done SO well with the weight loss. 5 stone down is no mean feat. I know you've said you're not at your target weight yet, but think of it this way, you have more lost than left to lose.

Well done too on stopping drinking. You sound like a very determined person and obviously have great willpower. It sounds like when you decide you really want to do something, you go for it and achieve it.

As for friends, to be honest, I think a lot of people these days seem to be in the same boat. Lots of people have a wide circle of acquaintances but not too many close friends. It can be hard to go to meet up groups etc when you don't know anyone. Are you friendly with any of your neighbours? I would be quite friendly with two of mine, but we've only got to know each other in the past few years. Next time you bump into yours, say hello and have a little chat.
Are you in a gym? The one I go to is quite friendly and easy going and I have made some friends there, but I know some gyms can be a bit more intimidating and not as friendly.
Are you on facebook at all? It's been about twenty years since I left school, but have some school friends on there and suggested meeting for a coffee with one or two and that went well too.

As for the financial aspect of things, you're worrying that women will judge you for living in rented accommodation and for driving an old car. To be honest, I think any woman who would judge you for these things isn't someone who I'd want to be in a relationship with anyway.

You don't have to explain to anyone that you haven't had a girlfriend. You can just say something like you haven't had any serious/long term relationship and if you meet someone that you really want to be with and you feel that you want to explain, then just tell them the truth, that you were uncomfortable with your weight. Anyone who really likes you for you should understand that.


Give yourself a pat on the back and a bit of praise for all that you have achieved so far. You should be proud of yourself.

Rubberchikken

The weight loss is good
Anything that helps improve your health is a bonus

Most Girls dont care if a guy has had girlfriends before or if they have savings or a car or whatever. They want a guy whos good company. Happy.on himself. Kind. Decent. Generous. And with a sense of humour.

Why not ask the girl at work out. Whats the worse that can happen. You have to start somewhere.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

The weight loss is good
Anything that helps improve your health is a bonus

Most Girls dont care if a guy has had girlfriends before or if they have savings or a car or whatever. They want a guy whos good company. Happy.on himself. Kind. Decent. Generous. And with a sense of humour.

Why not ask the girl at work out. Whats the worse that can happen. You have to start somewhere.
Good luck

Op here , meeting her out for coffee soon

pwurple

Can I suggest volunteering? Tidy towns, local clean-up groups, sport coaching, gardening groups.

There are heaps of groups looking for able bodied people who can give back and get involved with the community. It’s a fantastic way to meet local people in the area, and such a productive use of spare time. You will get a great sense of achievement from it. You can commit as much or as little time to it as you want.

What kind of things interest you? There are art groups, people who maintain walks and parks, organisers, groups who do historical bits. Sports... the gaa are always training people. Politics/ community work... you could do some community support work with the Gardai, or help out the local councilors. Go to a ward meeting is a good step there. If you find something where you have an interest, it’s great fun and you meet people with that common interest.