Looking for advice

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, Im hoping someone can give advice or suggestions on my situation and how I can help myself.

Ive broken it down into background and current situation so you can skip the background part if its too long to read.

-- Background --

I moved away for college at 19 and after this my life started to spiral, I made some friends in college but my course was very clicky and most of the students wearnt very friendly, the staff where unprofessional too and I was unfortunate enough to move in with two house mates from my course who were complete bullies and broke my self esteem, I became very depression and developed social anxiety. My family wearnt supportive, they were always of the mind set that being a girl I should stay home and get married, not go to college and I could never go to my parents for emotional support at any point in my life so I felt very alone, I started to self harm and was taken to hospital and had to get stitches.

After first year one of my friends failed her repeat exams, another dropped out as she was getting depressed over the negative atmosphere in the college and my other two friends graduated as they were a few years ahead of me. I was too depressed and anxious to make new friends and subconsciously sabotaged every social interaction I had.
I started dating this guy, looking back I know that all the red flags were obvious but at the time but I wasnt in a good place, had very low self esteem and I just wanted support and a friend and I thought I loved him so after second year I moved in with him, he drank all the time, was a serial cheater and bragged about it to all his friends and was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. I couldnt leave the house because of my anxiety, couldnt talk to anyone and everyone I knew treated me like an outcast, I then had a suicide attempt.

I graduated and got out of there as quick as I could, moved back home but my parents wearnt welcoming or supportive and all my old friends had stopped hanging out with me when I became mentally ill so I had no one, still had agoraphobia but also by this stage I couldnt string a sentence together when talking to people, my words would get twisted, I couldnt articulate myself and my head would go completely blank, I couldnt remember simple words or form sentences, it was like I had a disability and I was beginning to believe that I did.

Throughout the years I tried getting counseling, the college counselor didnt want to know, it was like I was bothering her. I went to a few different discount counselors but they were a waste of time and money and they couldnt help me. I had been to different gp's but they only prescribed me meds which made me worse until last year I got a new gp and she referred me to a psychologist.

I had to wait 6 months and was only given 6 weeks of counseling but she was amazing, by the 5th week I was noticing a massive difference and I was calmly interacting with people and connecting with them. She couldnt offer me further counseling so referred me to abuse counseling as I was abused as a child, that was 7 months ago and I still haven't received the counseling, I contacted them and they said im on a waiting list and the list is very long.

--- Current situation --

I got a job in a small company in a really supportive environment, the staff were very inclusive and trusted me with responsibilities. Over time my confidence grew, my communication skills improved and I was slowly able to articulate myself again. I also started reconnecting with old friends.
A few months ago the company I was working for went into liquidation and I haven't been able to find another job. I met up with a friend who I hadnt seen in a while because he moved away but the whole time we were together he kept putting me down, contradicting me and correcting everything I said, when id start a conversation he'd straight out tell me he didnt care, made me feel really stupid, these two events triggered my low self worth and my mental health started to slip again and friends stopped contacting me.
Over the last two months ive felt very isolated with no support and im anxious around people again. I learnt skills over the years to help my mental health but its not enough now and I need support. Im starting to notice my communication skills are beginning to slip backwards and articulation is becoming difficult. I had a job interview last week and I sounded like I was stupid as I could barely string a coherent sentence together.
Ive looked into courses, clubs and groups but theres none in my area and im not in a position to move, financially or mentally.
Is there anything I can do to help myself? I got a taste of what its like to be confident, sociable and articulate so I know im capable of it but I need support and dont know where to go or how to help myself at this stage.

Thanks

Mr. Incognito

Hi there

That all sounds horrible.

There are some mental health links in the stickies. I'm not qualified to give you advice but I would say to hang in there.

Is there anywhere locally such as a charity shop you can volunteer even to get you out to interact?

That's the problem really. People talk about talking about mental health but the supports just are not there.

Could you contact someone like Pieta House and ask them for referrals?

per aspera ad astra

My life's a tiny bit of a mess these days too, so I don't know if I can offer much advice! I will say this though – everything will work out. Small steps, little wins – you can do it. For what it's worth – I believe in you!

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Hi there

That all sounds horrible.

There are some mental health links in the stickies. I'm not qualified to give you advice but I would say to hang in there.

Is there anywhere locally such as a charity shop you can volunteer even to get you out to interact?

That's the problem really. People talk about talking about mental health but the supports just are not there.

Could you contact someone like Pieta House and ask them for referrals?

Thanks for replying, Ive tried ringing the Samaritans but they wearnt any help, they just repeated back to me what I had said and then told me I should go and talk to someone so I contacted Pieta but I was just sent an email from a volunteer who told me I should talk to someone. Its frustrating because im turning to helplines so I can talk to someone but theyre just telling me to talk to someone else. I feel like im going around in circles.

LegacyUser

per aspera ad astra wrote: »

My life's a tiny bit of a mess these days too, so I don't know if I can offer much advice! I will say this though – everything will work out. Small steps, little wins – you can do it. For what it's worth – I believe in you!

Thanks Per aspera ad astra, this was very helpful.

Jenneke87

Hey there,
First: hats off to you! You went through a terrible time in college with no support, and despite a horrible boyfriend, depression, a suicide attempt you still managed to graduate! That is no small thing and I think you're giving yourself way to little credit for that. Lots of other people would have cracked under those circumstances, but you kept going, kudos!
There are a lof of free online courses that could help you while you await counseling (and please go and do that), that can help you cope in the meantime. Is there really nothing in the area you can go to? A library, swimming pool,  park, a second hand store where you could help out. Maybe there is nothing within walking distance but could you maybe cycle?
I hope things will go your way again soon. Hold on, and believe in yourself, we do too!

orthsquel

You're an incredibly strong person - never forget that! You've been through so, so much, and been through it alone, a lot of people wouldn't get this far. There's a courage in you to fight back and take back your life.

lookingforadvice wrote: »

I met up with a friend who I hadnt seen in a while because he moved away but the whole time we were together he kept putting me down, contradicting me and correcting everything I said, when id start a conversation he'd straight out tell me he didnt care, made me feel really stupid

Don't ever meet this person again. Do not contact, do not engage. Delete them, block them just get him out of your life. all the hard work you have done is going to be undone because of him....do not let this happen!! This is a learning experience for you.... don't take people like that back into your life. They will do nothing for you, but **** all over your life and your self esteem and confidence.

lookingforadvice wrote: »

until last year I got a new gp and she referred me to a psychologist.

I had to wait 6 months and was only given 6 weeks of counseling but she was amazing, by the 5th week I was noticing a massive difference and I was calmly interacting with people and connecting with them. She couldnt offer me further counseling

Can you get into contact with that psychologist directly, or through your GP? You may be on a waiting list for abuse counselling, that doesn't mean you can't speak to psychologist again about a relapse of your self esteem and current situation. You may have been given tools to maintain your mental health, but sometimes those tools aren't enough when you are confronted with someone running you down like you old "friend" did. You need that strengthened and you need to re-learn and prepare yourself again for it. I'd also look into building your resilience in the future and other tools to help yourself.

Have you still friends from the company that went into liquidation? If they were supportive and inclusive, would you consider getting into contact with them?