Am I being stupid

LegacyUser

I need some rational viewpoints as I am emotional and not sure if I'm being rational or not. Been with my partner for 3 and a half years and we have a baby together. He is currently in college studying for his career. He is about to get his results and can then apply for jobs in his field. Today we were discussing things and he mentioned that he might need to go to another country for training for 3 months. I was a bit taken aback as I didn't expect this. I asked if myself and the baby would be going with him and he said definitely not. He said he would be going alone and no way were we coming. It upsets me how coldly he said it and how unemotional he was. He said he wouldn't find it hard to be apart and that its important for his career (I realise this but surely he wouldn't want to be apart from his family so long)
To the men out there: does it mean he's not serious about me?

Xterminator

Hi OP

i dont think anyone who doesnt know you and your partner can tell you for sure if it means he is not serious about you. how could they?

your partner has been studying in college, and his next step is to try to get a job. you tell us he believes he needs to go to another country for training for 3 months.

What a stranger cannot tell you is why. Is he putting more importance on his career because hes not too bothered , or is he doing all this because he wants to provide a good life for you and his child? Couldn't tell you.

Surely after three years you have a sense of how committed he is, and what his motivations are. Trust your gut feeling. OP - you seem to be looking for some reassurance here, you sound a little shocked. look for that reassurance from your partner. If its not forthcoming, that may be indicative.

Alrigghtythen

Where would you and the baby live in another country? What would you do during the day (childcare and you working or you stay at home). Is his company offering accomodation for you too? 12 weeks is a relatively short time. Is it in your childs/your best interest to uproot your lives and move for 12 weeks? Are you going to keep a property here to return too or will you have to secure a new property once you return? "

There are lots of things for you to consider.

jimmycrackcorm

Lots of people have to work away from home for periods at a time for career or financial reasons.

However, a key factor is whether or not there are opportunities to come back over for some weekends.

The harsh reality is that your partner needs to build a career to support your family and that means you have to look at this as a sacrifice to achieve that.

I think you are looking at the situation emotionally with your heart. But he is looking at it with his head.

LirW

How does he know already that he might have to go when he's not secured a job yet?
This is a highly exciting time for him alright but no need to get ahead of himself.

Anyway, not saying you're stupid, did he give you a reason why he'd prefer to go alone?
It's 12 weeks and there aren't any details or any certainty about it, I wouldn't worry too much about it yet. Imo it's not worth moving for 3 months, it's more hassle than anything else plus you'll probably be very lonely in another country not knowing anyone.
If he really has to go, you'll talk about it again anyway. There might still be an option for you to visit or him coming home on weekends.

I'd relax, it sounds very much like a "what if" scenario at the moment.

Unanimous

We can't say if he is not serious about you or not but you have a right for feeling that way!

Why does he think its ok to make the decision alone to go off to better his career while you stay here taking care of the kid.

If you have not had any serious issues with him then I would say don't take this too person but let him know that he can't just make a decision to leave the kid for 3 months and expect you to do that alone without being nice about it.

He may be logical with his decision but I would expect him to give you reasons for not wanting to bring you and the baby rather than saying it can't happen.

up for anything

Too emotional wrote: »

He said he would be going alone and no way were we coming. It upsets me how coldly he said it and how unemotional he was. He said he wouldn't find it hard to be apart and that its important for his career (I realise this but surely he wouldn't want to be apart from his family so long)

I can understand why you're upset. He was pretty brutal and to be honest in the way you've retold what he said I would think that he actually doesn't give a damn about being apart from his family for that length of time if not longer. It seems to me that quite a few people drop the supportive partner that they had while studying or retraining in order to move into their new life unencumbered. I'd be inclined to sit down with him and have a proper conversation about the situation and not let your hurt feelings intrude for a bit.

Teyla Emmagan

I think you have every right to be annoyed to be honest. He has just announced you are going to be a single parent for 3 months!! What gives him the right to make that decision all by himself? You have got to be kidding me.

osarusan

I'm a guy who spent 3 months apart from my wife and 2 kids for work reasons a few years ago. It wasn't easy for anybody, but it just had to be done. We got over it.

Certainly, I can understand you being upset that he feels this is his decision to make all by himself. It should be something the two of you agree on. And maybe he is being very cold about it, although he might view it as being objective and dispassionate.

Moving beyond that, and looking at the issue itself. From his perspective, he might be thinking along these lines -

If he needs this training to progress in his field and career, then he should be doing it. It's probably quite an intensive period as well, he might not have much free time.

And moving for 3 months sounds like a pain to be honest. Especially with a baby, and all the stuff that goes with them.

Would your partner have accommodation provided for them while they are there? Sometimes the trainees in situations like this are put up in a kind of dorm, and just go to training and go back to their dorm single room after training and that's it for 3 months.

I actually don't think the idea is unreasonable, although it definitely should be something you work out together.

OP, do you think that if you and he had discussed the pros and cons of it all, would you likely have agreed that you and the baby should stay home?

Mr. Incognito

Men, when they think logically do not apply emotion to the scenario. It has to be deliberately thought about.

I think I would be the same, if it was required for work progression I would see it as a sacrifice for the good of my family in the long term and probably would be a bit foolish and crude about it too as I can be that way.

I think if you talk to him about it and say that you are apprehensive about being alone for 3 months and if you could discuss practical steps for support while he is away it becomes another logistical problem to be resolved and he might apply himself a bit better to it.

Big Bag of Chips

It's strange that he has said he "might" need to go, so sounds like nothing definite is planned or organised, yet he is absolutely definite about you not going with him. He doesn't know anything about where he might be going. What the work schedule will be, what the accommodation setup will be. Yet he is definite you're not coming.

I'd be talking to him and asking him what are the reasons for him definitely not wanting you to be with him. If he can't give you a reasonable and sensible reason you might have to consider if he sees a proper future with you.

Now, a reasonable answer in his mind that this is something he wants to do alone. Which would be fine if he wasn't a parent. You then need to decide if you're happy with his answers.

When you're a family, these are decisions that need to be discussed and made together.

JMNolan

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's strange that he has said he "might" need to go, so sounds like nothing definite is planned or organised, yet he is absolutely definite about you not going with him. He doesn't know anything about where he might be going. What the work schedule will be, what the accommodation setup will be. Yet he is definite you're not coming.

Why is it strange? I might be presenting at a conference in China next March yet if I am I definitely am not bringing my family as my kids have school. I don't know the schedule or accommodation setup but I know my wife and kids aren't coming.

Big Bag of Chips

The OP's partner doesn't have school age children. And I did say to talk to him, he may have a valid reason for not wanting her and his child there.

Until you actually discuss it with him, OP, you won't know. There could be a valid reason. But if he doesn't have a valid reason, then of course you have a right to be upset and question whether or not he sees you as a family unit.

strandroad

He effectively told you "you"ll be alone for three months, deal with it". This is not how you arrive at a major decision in a mature relationship - you put the options on the table and discuss their impact and how to mitigate it together.

There might be a legit need for him to leave for a while but the way he communicated it to you is completely wrong.

Ursus Horribilis

Until now, what was your relationship like? This incident seems to have made you feel unsure about where you stand with your partner. Was the baby planned? Is he a good dad and does he play an active part in your child's life? Have you had any reasons until now to doubt his commitment to you? Was the way he spoke to you out of the blue or has he been like this before?