marraige over but still sharing house, what to do?

Lucasgirl1980

Hi

Earlier this year I told my husband that I wanted to end our 10 year marraige after 2 years of trying to make it work. He was against it but after a few difficult months he's realised it's over and we've both moved on to other relationships. We built a house a couple of years back and we're both still living in it with our 5 kids. I've been looking to rent a house but theirs none available in the area. He refuses to give me any money and I've had to resort to asking my mother for money to get the kids back to school stuff. He says as he's paying the mortgage he doesn't have to pay anything else, which would be fine but for the fact that because he's still living with me I can't claim any money. I can't work as he's a fisherman and one child is not in school yet.

He already spends most nights at his girlfriends place which I genuinely have no problem with but I've asked him if he would move out for a few weeks until I find a place to rent and when I do he can move back in and do whatever he wants after that. If he moved out I'd be able claim loan patents etc but he refuses.

What can I do, I can't live on fresh air, he won't be reasonable and move out for the few weeks so I can get money and he wont have pay any himself and I can't work.

I was hoping to avoid getting solicitors involved cos he's a good guy and works hard but he's leaving me with very little choice. It's probably a control thing.

What do I do?

LegacyUser

He does have to give you money, you have 5 kids. Keep the receipt for every expense he hasn't paid for, DO NOT move out of the house, get a solicitor. You might feel that getting a solicitor is a bad idea or a step too far, but is absolutely not, get one, listen to them.

.......

Get solicitors involved. Now.

It is financial spousal abuse.

tara73

how do you feed, cloth the kids, buy anything else you and they need? is your mother forking out for this too?

it's a disgrace, he needs to give you money at least for the kids. they are his too!

what do your mom/ other relatives like brothers, uncles etc. say to this? I know it's not a solution in the long run, but can they not talk to your husband, means putting a bit of pressure behind it as a whole family instead of you being on your own with him?

salmocab

All other issues aside if he moved out for a few weeks he probably thinks he’ll not get back in, so of all the things you’ve described I think that’s one that is not unreasonable from his point of view. Just as someone else has said don’t move out the m sure someone has told him the same.

SusanC10

Please make an appointment with a good Family Law Solicitor asap. You need to have your Options explained to you by a professional who is not involved in the situation.
You may feel that it is a bad thing to involve Solicitors but it is not.

Senature

I echo the advice to see a family law solicitor asap. Other people will give you well meaning advice with good intentions but they are basically clueless. I think you and your husband are both in for a bit of a shock when reality hits as you will be trying to pay the bills and provide for 2 households and 5 kids between the 2 of you. I might be wrong, but it's not likely to be as simple as you moving out and then claiming state support to cover all the expenses for you and your kids and you all live happily ever after.

FishOnABike

Why can't you work? In a lot of households both parents have to work, even when they have young children, just to pay the bills.

Two households takes more to run than one so you will probably need to look for work in the near future as it will probably be necessary anyway.

You've asked your ex to move out temporarily, have you thought of moving out temporarily yourself and leaving him to manage all the childcare arrangements?

B0jangles

FishOnABike wrote: »

Why can't you work? In a lot of households both parents have to work, even when they have young children, just to pay the bills.

Two households takes more to run than one so you will probably need to look for work in the near future as it will probably be necessary anyway.

You've asked your ex to move out temporarily, have you thought of moving out temporarily yourself and leaving him to manage all the childcare arrangements?

Leave 5 kids in the care of someone who already thinks it's reasonable to refuse to help feed and clothe his own children?

Senature

B0jangles wrote: »

Leave 5 kids in the care of someone who already thinks it's reasonable to refuse to help feed and clothe his own children?

The OP said her husband refuses to give her money and she therefore borrowed money from her mother to get the kids back to school stuff. While this reflects poorly on her husband on the face of it, she has not said they are all hungry with no clothes to wear and the electricity/broadband etc for the house has been cut off. Her husband is either also paying these bills, buying groceries etc, or she has other money coming from somewhere e.g. children's allowance. She has not so far made any implication that he is incapable of taking care of his children and would let them starve.

Lucasgirl1980

I'd like to thank everyone for their advice. I've contacted a solicitor and have an appointment next week. Since February he's given me very little money towards the children's care. I've survived on children's allowance and handouts from my mother. My son had his communion in may and my mother again had to buy his shoes but then my husband paid for the meal afterwards, which was nice of him and at the same time made him look good in front of his mother and sisters etc. Yes he pays esb etc. Again because if not it would make him look bad if we are left in the dark. But all practical stuff like groceries clothes school is left to me.

Regarding me working, I worked for 12 years before and up until I had my second child. So its not like I've never worked. My husband is a fisherman so is away for a week to 10 days at a time, so he can't be depended on for childcare. So I cannot work until my youngest starts school.

As for me leaving my children and letting him take care of childcare. Ask any mother on this planet if they would do that and see what answer you'd get. Not going to happen!! Not when his mother lives a mile away and has a spare room for him to sleep in, not to mention that he already sleeps at his girlfriends house every night anyway so he's actually not living here. I don't care what he does but I need to have an income and if he's not willing to pay up then he may get the hell out so I can claim lone parents and get a medical card. Had a chest infection fir 4 weeks cos I couldn't afford the doctors fee to get antibiotics and he just laughed at me and said not my problem. This is the kind of attitude that changes a woman from willing to be reasonable to being bitter and wanting to lash out.

I don't want to go to a solicitor, I don't want to hurt my husband he's a good guy and did nothing wrong, I just dont love him anymore and that's what this is about.

Over the last 10 years ive changed from an independent and social person to someone who is dependent on someone else for financial security and a loner stuck at home with the kids.

I've always been the main carer for these kids and he's supported us and just cos we're over doesn't change the fact that he still has to support us. Or get out and let me do it.

Dtp1979

How much are you going to get from loan parents allowance? Is it enough?
Is it just me seeing this but you basically ended the marriage, expect him to leave the house and literally pay for everything in the mean time. Seems a tad unfair imo. Why don’t you get
A child minder for your youngest and go out and get a job??

Steviesol

I wonder would you be able to get Legal aid as you have no income.
Whatever you do, do not fall into "mediation" trap, where he promises to pay and then doesn't.

As it sounds like, he is all talk and great at making gestures when there is a crowd around.

Make no bones about it, this is domestic abuse, he is mentally trying to wear you down, thousands of women are in the same boat and there is lots of support out there.

Check for local women's groups , or ring women's aid.

Don't feel it's not serious, because there are no bruises. Coercive control is a thing.

If you talk about what you have posted here , the women's group will 100% understand.


Best of luck OP and all women going through similar.

Fol20

Lucasgirl1980 wrote: »

I'd like to thank everyone for their advice. I've contacted a solicitor and have an appointment next week. Since February he's given me very little money towards the children's care. I've survived on children's allowance and handouts from my mother. My son had his communion in may and my mother again had to buy his shoes but then my husband paid for the meal afterwards, which was nice of him and at the same time made him look good in front of his mother and sisters etc. Yes he pays esb etc. Again because if not it would make him look bad if we are left in the dark. But all practical stuff like groceries clothes school is left to me.

Regarding me working, I worked for 12 years before and up until I had my second child. So its not like I've never worked. My husband is a fisherman so is away for a week to 10 days at a time, so he can't be depended on for childcare. So I cannot work until my youngest starts school.

As for me leaving my children and letting him take care of childcare. Ask any mother on this planet if they would do that and see what answer you'd get. Not going to happen!! Not when his mother lives a mile away and has a spare room for him to sleep in, not to mention that he already sleeps at his girlfriends house every night anyway so he's actually not living here. I don't care what he does but I need to have an income and if he's not willing to pay up then he may get the hell out so I can claim lone parents and get a medical card. Had a chest infection fir 4 weeks cos I couldn't afford the doctors fee to get antibiotics and he just laughed at me and said not my problem. This is the kind of attitude that changes a woman from willing to be reasonable to being bitter and wanting to lash out.

I don't want to go to a solicitor, I don't want to hurt my husband he's a good guy and did nothing wrong, I just dont love him anymore and that's what this is about.

Over the last 10 years ive changed from an independent and social person to someone who is dependent on someone else for financial security and a loner stuck at home with the kids.

I've always been the main carer for these kids and he's supported us and just cos we're over doesn't change the fact that he still has to support us. Or get out and let me do it.

It does sound like financial abuse as he is leaving you with the responsibility of taking care of the kids which in turn blocks you from getting a job. I would be having a frank conversation with him to either go 50/50 in minding the kids so you can then go out and get a job yourself or he will have to pony up some money. He can’t have it both way.

Just to play devils advocate, I wouldn’t agree he should move out just because his family are close by etc. it’s his house as much as yours and it should be split equally. So the house should really be sold allow both you and the husband to downsize to something more appropriate for your finances. Until you officially get divorced, I don’t think you could get maintenance off him either.

Senature

OP if he is preventing you from being able to get antibiotics when you are sick I can see this all getting very nasty when it comes to working out financial and childcare arrangements. He is probably feeling very angry towards you, rightly or wrongly, for deciding to end the marriage and break up the family unit. You in turn are feeling angry towards him as you feel he is not "playing ball" in terms of the break up by moving out and providing you with adequate financial support for your children. As another poster mentioned, why should he move out? Why should he, as a grown man having built his own family home, have to move back in with his mother? Personally, and it is just my opinion, from what you've said so far I think both of you are being quite unreasonable to each other. This is very common in relationship breakdowns so I am not criticising you personally its just an observation.
Also, regarding the children, he is their father and legal guardian. Yes, that means he is obliged to provide for them financially, by court order if necessary. It also means that if he decides he wants to have overnight access to them several nights a week/month, and he has somewhere reasonably suitable to bring them, he is likely to be granted that no matter how much you might not like or agree with the idea.
I think you need to prepare yourself for this not all panning out in as quick and easy a manner as you may have thought. I'm glad you have a solicitor appointment, it might take a while to get everything sorted out but that is a good step in the right direction for you.

judeboy101

Lucasgirl1980 wrote: »

Hi

Earlier this year I told my husband that I wanted to end our 10 year marraige after 2 years of trying to make it work. He was against it but after a few difficult months he's realised it's over and we've both moved on to other relationships. We built a house a couple of years back and we're both still living in it with our 5 kids. I've been looking to rent a house but theirs none available in the area. He refuses to give me any money and I've had to resort to asking my mother for money to get the kids back to school stuff. He says as he's paying the mortgage he doesn't have to pay anything else, which would be fine but for the fact that because he's still living with me I can't claim any money. I can't work as he's a fisherman and one child is not in school yet.

He already spends most nights at his girlfriends place which I genuinely have no problem with but I've asked him if he would move out for a few weeks until I find a place to rent and when I do he can move back in and do whatever he wants after that. If he moved out I'd be able claim loan patents etc but he refuses.

What can I do, I can't live on fresh air, he won't be reasonable and move out for the few weeks so I can get money and he wont have pay any himself and I can't work.

I was hoping to avoid getting solicitors involved cos he's a good guy and works hard but he's leaving me with very little choice. It's probably a control thing.

What do I do?

You say he is a "good guy". Doesn't sound like it from his actions.