Freaking out about my age

LegacyUser

I've hit a weird age in my life where I'm feeling incredible internal pressure from a "where I am in life" perspective. I've also noticed that I've fallen into a bracket where there's incredible societal pressure to accomplish certain things and it leaves me feeling inadequate and insecure a lot of the time. I'd love some opinions.

I'm a 33 year old woman, single about 8 months now. ilive in a big city in central europe, have a decent job in a new industry but feel i am nowhere near where i'd like to, or should, be in life. I flat share due to incredibly high rents, I go to the gym a few times a week, travel quite a bit with work, make trips to home about 3 times a year

I'm just struggling with these feelings of being a failure, for not having 1. a long-term partner to build a life with. I'm not ready to date again yet as the breakup wasn't easy and i'm still working through a lot of issues around that, but that constantly runs in conflict with these feelings of "I need a new partner like yesterday! Babies! Marriage! Get your sh1t together! You're 33!"

2. My own home/property. I hate that I have to flatshare, even though it's a choice to allow me to save as much as I can. I still hate it and get embarrassed at still having a "roomie" in my 30s. The plan of course is to save save save and I've got about 60k set aside at this point, but I'm still far off investing in anything. a big part of that is where would i buy? the breakup has shaken the foundations in that respect, i dont know if i see my future in this city and am increasingly feeling i want to move home and settle back in dublin.

3. My career accomplishments. I never went back to do my Masters after my undergraduate degree , something that I always wanted/expected for myself. I was a straight A student in school and then did a degree that landed me in quite a precarious industry, i worked bloody hard for 10+ years and it looks great on my cv and took me around the world. But was never going to amount to a steady, stable 9-10 and leaves me feeling underaccomplished now. I feel I'm academically quite smart and constantly feel I should be in a managerial role now or should be making more money. im not doing badly, but constantly feel this sense that i should be doing...better.

I feel this constant internal panic that I'm going to suddenly be 40, alone, in a career rut and the chance to have a family will have passed me by. I get so overwhelmed by these feelings that I do nothing...and round and round we go.

On the face of it, I'd be considered attractive, in good shape, hard working, a kind and decent person and have a wonderful family behind me and would be privileged as far as the opportunities I've had in life. But I feel old, and scared for the future.

Does anyone else struggle with this? (Sorry for the thesis!)

di11on

Hey OP,

The first thing I would say is that success is very subjective and in my view, entirely depends on what you want out of life, and less on any sort of traditional idea of success.

So what I am saying is, in my view, the key to being "successful" is trying to figure out what you actually want and then going for it.

I remember being at a similar stage in my life and deciding that I wanted to climb the ladder a bit in work. I really went for it. I took interview courses with a communications company and got help with the CV etc. I found that really helpful and it actually worked well. I went for every promotion that came up and got one pretty quickly.

So with a bit of focus and determination, you can change things.

The other thing is that what you want out of life might very well change over time.

Now I find myself at a stage in life where I consider it quite a significant success that I'm not in management. I am independent and have a very flexible life that is relatively stress free.

Another idea is maybe a big change would help? A different sector? A different country? You might very well find that your options are not quite as limited as you think they are.

baby and crumble

It’s funny op, I’m a bit older than you (36) and on paper I’m doing quite well. I’m married, own a house, permanent job, pension... but I still feel like you do. I have no savings. None. A lot of people our age wouldn’t come close to having €60k so that is a massive MASSIVE accomplishment that you should be proud of.

If you want to do a masters, there’s literally nothing stopping you. You have the savings to cover fees, there are many many part time and evening masters, online courses etc. they’re doable when working, you just need to be disciplined. You clearly are.

seenitall

Hi OP,

Have your eggs frozen. Seriously. It will take so much pressure off all the, very understandable at your age, biological clock thinking and fretting. When there is probably not much you can do about finding Mr. Right, right now (or soon-ish).

These things happen when they happen. Many is the woman who has waited for true love instead of jumping on and settling for the first available man at 35, only to finally find it much later and then had to resort to IVF with old, not very usable eggs. Heartbreak then beckons. So, if you want to lead a relaxed existance, meeting people, socialising and taking life and love and romance and all those good things as they come, instead of a horrible pressurised feeling that happens with "my eggs are shrivelling up AS WE SPEAK!!", (I'm sure I've no need to tell you how, eh, "attractive" a woman becomes to men once they get a whiff of the desperation, either! ) take the pressure off yourself by doing this one positive, practical thing.

At 33, your eggs should still be good quality and a harvesting cycle will yield a good amount for you to have a proper chance of a happy end on that score later on, whenever it may be. An insurance policy, if you will.

(At, say, 38, it will be a different story.)

I am sure you have worked hard most of your life for all the nice stuff you currently enjoy. Your savings sound impressive, so keep saving and the right opportunity for a good solid investment will, like the right man, present itself eventually. The important thing is not to do anything in a rush and a panic. I would suggest starting doing some leisurely research, both on some sound investment opportunities and on newest developments in fertility preservation (if you decide on it). Should go some way toward bringing focus to your life direction. Meanwhile, keep working hard and playing hard, your life sounds good to me!

Sazsazcool

OP, I'm a year younger than you and in an almost identical situation.
I don't have any great advice but know youre not the only one feeling like this x

madwidow

Just about same age. Its hard to live up to someone elses standarts.
Its never too late to go back to study. Whole of Europe is well know for mature students
Women in management are highly sought after. You can be complete without a partner.
Id say the grass wont be greener by having all 3. Pick one to work on and start there. You d be surprised how things turn out and come around your way. A lot of pressure to put yourself under

mvt

If you think this is bad wait till you hit 50:pac:

More seriously you are waay over thinking it,as some economist said"in the long run,we are all dead".

You are in a much better position than the vast amount of folk but maybe putting it down on paper,so to speak, will make you realise that.

Your future will be a lot brighter than your present

If you were your own best friend, what would you tell yourself OP?

You'd tell yourself that you're doing great, because you are. You've had a tough breakup but are still dealing with life in a city removed from the support of your family. You have a degree and a career, being sensible by flatsharing so you can save, and you're forming a plan for at least part of your future by considering moving to Dublin. Not too shabby, eh? You're being unnecessarily tough on yourself. You've given yourself boxes to tick - partner/property/family - but none of those things guarantee you'll be any happier, so try recognize the things that you can do now to feel more positive about your life and what you alone can make of it.

If you want to move back to Dublin, make a plan and as soon as it's viable to do so start executing it.

If you want to do that Masters, first figure out if it'll really make you happy or if you just feel it's something you should do. If it'll make you happy, make that plan too. Maybe not for now, but even if you decide it's something for retirement you'll have a goal in place.

If you want to recover from your breakup before dating again (a very sensible decision imo), then give yourself permission to do that. Happiness isn't a race against time and the most important long term relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Put yourself first and work at feeling good about life again.

Examine if you really want to have a family at this point. Is it something you actively want or is it something you want the choice of? If it's something you really want, then work on recovering from your break up and feeling emotionally healthy again, so you can have a healthy relationship when one comes your way.

When you're ready, put yourself out there and shake the tree. If something good falls out, great. If it takes time, then enjoy the great strides in life you've already made and recognize that you're really in a good place, especially considering the curve ball you've dealt with. You're in charge.

Give yourself credit for how well you're doing, don't dwell on negative things because it's very important you feel positive. Your whole future is ahead of you for you to shape in your favour, it's going to be as good as you make it no matter what does or doesn't come your way. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of your kind words guys.

I think the breakup really rocked my foundations and as a result I sort of lost perspective on where I am in life. It's an easy thing to do really when you're in a totally different place to your peers, who are getting married and buying houses and having kids and all that.

C@ndie your post was so lovely and compassionate, i really do appreciate your kindness. You raise some points that have really made me think too. I think what you said about wanting the CHOICE to have a family is spot on. I'm certainly not broody now and the concept of having kids is kind of alien to me at the moment, in no small part because I'm single and can only imagine doing that with the right partner.

But i don't want to suddenly be 38 and in the same position and have no means to do anything about it. it's like one of the cruel injustices of life, that we really need to think about this with a sense of urgency a lot more than men do. i see the way some men talk about women in their 30s too, online and on dating apps etc. and while dating isnt on my radar at the moment and men still check me out etc, i hate this idea that my age is going to be a big X against me when i finally get back out there.

the advice to freeze my eggs is probably a good one, i just dont know if im in the "have kids no matter what" camp, you know? i'd want a family but key to that would be having the right relationship where im doing it with someone i love. i could see it with my ex, for example, until the glaring issues began to raise their head. my parents were older having all four of us, mother started at 35 and stopped at 42, so that plays into it too.

The masters - i don't know if i want it for the sake of wanting it, but i know that i definitely want more direction in my career and i'd see upskilling as a big part of that. i come from a family of high achievers and struggle with this idea that i don't have a really respected profession, im not a doctor or a lawyer for example, and im in an industry that didnt even exist twenty years ago and there's a great deal of uncertainty with that.

there's a lot to think about really. ive struggled with this breakup in a big way and i think its pulled up a lot of underlying issues, not least of all this sort of defeatist attitude towards life, and with that, a sort of forboding fear that i'm too old to achieve the things i'd like to achieve. how am i suddenly 33 and none of these things have happened for me....and yet it makes total sense, ive just buried my head in the sand and worked and worked and worked for the past ten years. it's a weird place to be!

dory

When I read the title I guessed you would say you're 33! It's a tough age, a sort of crossroads if you will. My mother keeps comparing me to Jesus and all he'd accomplished at this age. I freak out from time to time. Keep thinking what I was doing 7 years ago.....and then thinking that amount of time again and I'm 40!! It's extremely common to be considering your existence at this age. Especially when there are babies being popped out all over the place.

messy tessy

whydoifeelsoold wrote: »

The plan of course is to save save save and I've got about 60k set aside at this point...

I was a straight A student in school and then did a degree that landed me in quite a precarious industry, i worked bloody hard for 10+ years and it looks great on my cv and took me around the world...
On the face of it, I'd be considered attractive, in good shape, hard working, a kind and decent person and have a wonderful family behind me and would be privileged as far as the opportunities I've had in life

Just look at all you have accomplished and all you have in your life! Many people reading this would be extremely envious of your savings, you are in a great position if / when you decide to buy a home. Have you do considered speaking to someone about your career?

It can be easy to focus on what you don't have, especially when everyone around is getting married and having babies. I would say to you to be kind to yourself and try to enjoy your life right now.

harr

Live life OP and enjoy now, the love life will sort itself out but don’t go rushing into a relationship just because you feel you need a partner.
You have accomplished a lot more than most 33 year olds I know.
Go do your masters if that’s what YOU want and if you feel it would help your career then go for it.

Don’t get too worked up about not owning your own property I know plenty of professionals in various European city’s who have and never will own a house or apartment as it seems to be an Irish mentality that we must own a house or go into huge debts to acquire one.

The breakup of your last relationship has knocked you a bit and maybe has you reevaluating your life choices but in reality you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and 33 is still plenty young to achieve what you want in life .
Slow down a bit and enjoy what you have achieved and the rest will fall into place.