Want to move out, will posssibly lose friends

areyouwinning

Hi,

I’m in my final year of college. There’s 9 of us in a 5 bedroom house, there was 6 but 3 of the lads house fell through.

I’m sharing a room and I have no desk. It’s grand, not overly uncomfortable and doable. But I don’t think it’s where I should be in my final year if I want to get the grades I’m thinking of getting.

I know if I say it to the girls they won’t be impressed, and it may cause hostility. If I move out I know if I visit their house and go out with them and see them in college, they won’t act the same towards me and won’t invite me places.

I know I’m the bigger fool for not realizing this earlier. I don’t know how to go about it and whether to stick it out?

zapper55

I was in a similar position years ago. I did move out and it did affect the friendships but it just made me realise that they weren't that great friends in the first place. You won't get to repeat your final year again. I'd definitely look for another place.

Tokyo

areyouwinning wrote: »

I’m sharing a room and I have no desk. It’s grand, not overly uncomfortable and doable. But I don’t think it’s where I should be in my final year if I want to get the grades I’m thinking of getting.

I know if I say it to the girls they won’t be impressed, and it may cause hostility. If I move out I know if I visit their house and go out with them and see them in college, they won’t act the same towards me and won’t invite me places.

Which one is of the highest priority to you? I appreciate that we'd all like the best of both worlds, but if you can't, then which one of the two is most important to you?

You are right, your housemates may not be too happy about it, for personal and practical reasons (having to find a suitable housemate to replace you and so on), but if they are actually friends, then they will understand your reasons why. IF they don't, and snub you over it, then you have a fair idea of what your friendship was actually worth to them to begin with.

Xterminator

Hi Op

What are your priorities? Let that decide which option you choose.

Could you get good grades by being a little more clever in how and where you study, eg study at a library/coffee shop, or enlist your housemates aid in setting aside the living room/dining room or bedroom for study at certain times?

Obviously 9 in the house involves more compromise, but as long as they are paying there way, you should be saving far more than the cost of a couple of lattes allowing you to sit in a starbucks for a few hours several times a week?

alternatively if you move out you may find new friends and when you graduate you will naturally lose them anyway. So would the break up of the clique be such a big deal?

Sephiroth_dude

At the end of the day you have to do what's best for you the same way they'll do what's best for them, if it isn't working for you move out.

Mr. Incognito

What's wrong with studying in the library? I lived with a load of people in college. It was impossible to study in the house.

That's what the libarary is for.

I'm still friends with them 20 years later and I would put those friendships before grades.

LuckyLloyd

You're right there in a period of life that is extremely fun and when you move on from it you won't move back. Living in the pockets of all your friends is a unique thing and you will naturally move away from it over the coming few years. Utilizing the library and college as a place to study is a good skill to get in the habit of as you'll need to be able to focus on long pieces of work away from home in the working environment.

Other people may give you different advice, but I'd suggest sacrificing a top grade for a decent grade and enjoying your last year of college. You won't regret it - you have to tone it back of course and get a good grade, just not obsessively focus on a top grade to the expense of your social life. Good luck whatever you choose.

.......

If friendships suffer because you want to get a good grade then they arent very good friendships to begin with.

Think of all the posts you see here about people who didnt get an education when they were young or want to leave a course they dont like etc.

You are in a very lucky position to be considering how much study you need to finish well.

Your real friends will still be there for you.

MissShihTzu

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Other people may give you different advice, but I'd suggest sacrificing a top grade for a decent grade and enjoying your last year of college. You won't regret it - you have to tone it back of course and get a good grade, just not obsessively focus on a top grade to the expense of your social life. Good luck whatever you choose.

Absolutely DO NOT take this advice!!! Crazy...

In my opinion? Why can't you have both, OP? Go to the library, and study hard there. Lots of people have done this (including me) and still managed to get good grades. It's a question of balance. If your friends are true friends, they will understand why you're not going out as much. If they don't? Their loss. What you do now, will set the tone for the rest of your life.



Don't worry about it too much. Things will work out!

lulu1

OP put your grades first you have worked too hard already to get this far Please dont throw it all away at this stage. I would try and use the library as much as possible or some other quiet place. If this dosen't work out for you, you can then move out

Emme

OP can you study in the college library or in a public library? Your priority is getting the best grades you can for your final year. Your housemates should understand this.

paw patrol

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

You're right there in a period of life that is extremely fun and when you move on from it you won't move back. Living in the pockets of all your friends is a unique thing and you will naturally move away from it over the coming few years. Utilizing the library and college as a place to study is a good skill to get in the habit of as you'll need to be able to focus on long pieces of work away from home in the working environment.

Other people may give you different advice, but I'd suggest sacrificing a top grade for a decent grade and enjoying your last year of college. You won't regret it - you have to tone it back of course and get a good grade, just not obsessively focus on a top grade to the expense of your social life. Good luck whatever you choose.

I've seen some poor advise in my time. fair play Lucky!

Op, it's 1 year you will have plenty of time after your finals to get reconnect with your friends or get new ones. It's one year , in the grand scheme of things it's nothing.

As pointed out earlier, it's about priorities and if your friends can't see that they aren't great friends.

judeboy101

Friends come and go but 1.1's only get one shot.

Mr. Incognito

judeboy101 wrote: »

Friends come and go but 1.1's only get one shot.

This is nonsense.

1.1s mean absolutely nothing in the real world.

nothing.

I have worked in practice for 15 years. People coming out of college have no clue about the real world and you will learn more practical knowledge in the workplace in one year then in 5 years in a class room. And I say that with 2 Degrees, a Masters and 3 Professional Qualifications.

In the last 15 years my friends have been there through births, deaths, marriages, stags, birthdays, new years and everything else life can throw at you.

Cherish your friends. A grade is irrelevant in comparison.

leggo

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

This is nonsense.

1.1s mean absolutely nothing in the real world.

nothing.

I have worked in practice for 15 years. People coming out of college have no clue about the real world and you will learn more practical knowledge in the workplace in one year then in 5 years in a class room. And I say that with 2 Degrees, a Masters and 3 Professional Qualifications.

In the last 15 years my friends have been there through births, deaths, marriages, stags, birthdays, new years and everything else life can throw at you.

Cherish your friends. A grade is irrelevant in comparison.

If your friends would've dropped you because you weren't willing to fail college to accommodate their friendship, they probably wouldn't be the kind of lifelong friends you're describing. Mental advice tbh.

OP adults can move in and out of shared homes for their own reasons without taking it personally and falling out. Just don't absolutely drop them in it and leave overnight with no warning the day the next month's rent is due: give them a decent amount of notice (a month should suffice tbh, it's only September so they won't be stuck for finding others looking for student accommodation) and be accommodating in whatever they need to find a replacement. The situation you initially signed up to has changed, the new situation no longer works for you and for one year you want to prioritise your studies and make sure that all this time you've spent working in college ends with you getting the results you want. That is all totally reasonable and I'm shocked there are people here giving any dissenting views.

LuckyLloyd

No - one is suggesting "failing" college. Just not spending a year obsessively chasing a particular grade when a good grade is all you need to move onto the next steps in life. Out of the box thinking? Maybe. But in a decade in my industry I've never heard college grades mentioned once for anyone. Even when looking to fill graduate positions we would only care that there is a relevant degree there of a minimum standard. Everything else is more important.

So, to the OP, I think it's worthy advice to say 'don't obsess over your grades and feel you need to jettison things in your life to pursue a 1:1'. That's all.

leggo

OP hasn't said she's after a 1:1, you've imagined that. For all you know, they could be struggling to even pass. If you listen to their actual issue instead of forcing your own values upon them, what they've communicated to us is that the situation they're in right now no longer works for them. The only reason they have to dedicate a year of their life to a situation they've deemed no longer workable would be to keep their friends placated. There's compromise, there's people-pleasing and then there's just being a doormat for the sake of preserving friendships.

It is a much quicker way to jettison your life to roll over and sacrifice your own goals for the sake of keeping other people happy than to just find new friends if merely achieving your goals is a dealbreaker for one group, who wouldn't be particularly good friends if they expected you to do as much.

.......

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

This is nonsense.

1.1s mean absolutely nothing in the real world.

nothing.

I have worked in practice for 15 years. People coming out of college have no clue about the real world and you will learn more practical knowledge in the workplace in one year then in 5 years in a class room. And I say that with 2 Degrees, a Masters and 3 Professional Qualifications.

I cant agree with this at all and I say it with far more academic qualifications and professional qualifications than you have listed.

In all companies I have worked in if it came down to 2 candidates the one with the higher qualifications was chosen.

Where I currently work they strive to hire people with high academic qualifications.

Also - if you want to work in academia, your 1st will go a much longer way than a lesser grade.

LegacyUser

OP, I would strongly encourage you to disregard the posts that are telling you to forget the grade and "cherish" your friendships. Can't believe people actually posted that! 9 in a house share is a lot and for your last year you're going to need to be in a better head space and a quieter home environment.

You absolutely need to do right by you. If these friends of yours are good friends who care about you, they will support your choice and continue to be your friend. If they're going to get the hump and act like pathetic little brats because you want to prioritise your study, then you don't need them in your life. Truly, proper friends don't carry on like that. Give them the required notice so you're not leaving them high and dry, but do what you think is best for you. These friends of yours, if the situation was reversed, would and will do what's right for them and neither you nor anyone else will come into the equation. Just make sure you don't burn out with working too hard, take proper breaks and time out etc.

Mr. Incognito

....... wrote: »

I cant agree with this at all and I say it with far more academic qualifications and professional qualifications than you have listed.

In all companies I have worked in if it came down to 2 candidates the one with the higher qualifications was chosen.

Where I currently work they strive to hire people with high academic qualifications.

Also - if you want to work in academia, your 1st will go a much longer way than a lesser grade.

I work in law. In practice. Academia- Not for me but each to their own.

It is presumed people here people have high academic ability to even be in the position to be interviewed. But we don't filter it out to firsts or seconds. If someone has the relevant experience to show that they can do the job or have done the job they get a call.

If your company is separating candidates it cannot choose between by academia then it has a piss poor recruitment practice. The point of an interview is to get to know the person. Why do you even bother then. Hire off an algorithm like a lot of the larger companies do.

I have worked in those large practices. They are brutal places to work. HR is usually incompetent. That was in a Big 4 Accountancy practice.

I cant afford to have a bad hire. It will kill the productivity, work ethic and environment and it takes 3 years to train someone. Personally. Daily.

Personally I have exceptional academic grades. I didnt have to sacrifice a social life, or nights out, or friends to do it. I simply studied and applied myself with the time I had alloted to it by taking long hand notes. That works more than anything else in my experience.

Some people do have to sacrifice all that for the sake of a grade. In my experience thats who I weed out in interviews. Without a healthy dose of cop on grades dont matter. They cost money and a lot of wasted time in mistakes.

Strive for balance. Each compliments the other. It's not either or. Keep your friends and go to the library.

leggo

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Personally I have exceptional academic grades. I didnt have to sacrifice a social life, or nights out, or friends to do it. I simply studied and applied myself with the time I had alloted to it by taking long hand notes. That works more than anything else in my experience.

I'm not sure why people are getting the measuring tape out and comparing how many qualifications they have or how difficult it is to train people in a field we have no idea if the OP is interested in or not...but do you see why the bolded quote perhaps hurts your perspective to comment fairly on the issue at hand? It's kinda like a woman coming onto a thread about difficulties during pregnancy and saying, "Well I didn't have difficulties during my pregnancy and I turned out fine."

It's nice and all that your friendships didn't affect the particular study pattern that worked for you, but the OP is in a situation where it's affecting the study pattern that works for her. If she was a situation comparable to yours, she wouldn't be posting here and we'd all be doing something else. So let's maybe discuss her specific situation rather than say "Well my situation was different and I think you should cherish friendship".

judeboy101

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

This is nonsense.

1.1s mean absolutely nothing in the real world.

nothing.

I have worked in practice for 15 years. People coming out of college have no clue about the real world and you will learn more practical knowledge in the workplace in one year then in 5 years in a class room. And I say that with 2 Degrees, a Masters and 3 Professional Qualifications.

In the last 15 years my friends have been there through births, deaths, marriages, stags, birthdays, new years and everything else life can throw at you.

Cherish your friends. A grade is irrelevant in comparison.

I'm assuming you didn't get a first in your undergraduate degree

pwurple

I don't understand the assumption that moving to a less crowded place with a desk will cause everyone to hate you.

Just be straight. The cramped conditions are not for everyone, they don't suit you. Nothing personal in that,vso no reason for people to take offense.

.......

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

It is presumed people here people have high academic ability to even be in the position to be interviewed. But we don't filter it out to firsts or seconds. If someone has the relevant experience to show that they can do the job or have done the job they get a call.

Straight out of college no one has experience. A good qualification will get you a better position than someone who scraped through. Otherwise whats the point - sure let everyone go to college and scrape a pass, good grades dont matter? Nonsense.

I take it you didnt get a good grade and things turned out alright for you - thats great.

I know people who didnt get a good grade and things didnt turn out so well and they are blocked from continuing in their chosen line without upgrading their initial qualification with a masters - but even then there are problems because the minimum requirement to get accepted for certain masters degrees can be higher than a low classification undergraduate degree.