Unplanned pregnancy

LegacyUser

Hi all

Just looking for some outside perspectives. I just finished with a guy who I was seeing for 6 months due to his situation with depression and in my opinion not over his ex wife. He's separated with 3 kids, I am in my 30s and have one older child

Logically I know the best choice is abortion however my heart is saying otherwise. Never in a million years did I thinking find myself in this situation. My birth control failed. I am in a senior role in my job so the thoughts of people talking about me is keeping me up at night and the fact that my mother would be absolutely disgusted. My mother also has a terminal illness so it's been a lot to deal with.

I did tell the father and asked him to tell no one as I'm feeling very vulnerable and especially not his ex wife...he has now told me that he has told her even though they barely speak and in his own words he has described her as toxic. I have asked him to leave me alone as the betrayal was just too great. I begged him to keep it between us.

I feel like a mess, I'm afraid of the regret the shame and just feel like I can't focus. Please go easy with the responses I'm feeling stupid enough as it is.

heretothere

You just need to try and relax. How many weeks are you?
It's good that you spoke to the father, I don't know what he does but with three other kids to support so he might not be much help to you financially. Due to his depression he may also not be too helpful with emotional support either.

Do you have anyone close that you could maybe confide in?

Neyite

Don't feel stupid - you aren't!!

Were you a single mum with your other child? Is that why you feel your mother's reaction will be disgust? You never know, a terminal illness can cause some people to drastically alter their perspectives on life situations and see what's unimportant. And chances are that now you are older and more capable and have a good job etc any worries a mother usually has about her daughter having a baby on her own might be allayed in a lot of ways. Besides, you've a proven track record you can be a great mother.

To choose a termination I think the heart and the head need to be in agreement. And if it's not there, then it's best to decide with a calm and clear head. It sounds like you found out early enough, so take a few days or weeks to think this through. Write lists if it helps. Or take yourself away for a couple of days somewhere peaceful if you can to just adjust to the news and to figure out what will be best for you.

The father sounds like a sh!t. It's none of his ex-wife's business especially in the early stages when you've not even got your head around what to do, and I think you know it's given you a taster for what it would be like with him going forward - your privacy come secondary to his need to tell her everything. I think you were right to tell him to give you some space. I don't think I'd be telling him anything for a long time.

Some years ago, a boss of mine had a pregnancy. She was a separated mum of older children so there was a bit of a buzz initially as to who the father was. But it was nobody's business but her own and that's the way it stayed. I always admired her for not giving a sh!t what people thought of her. And within a couple of weeks it became old news as people gravitated to the next bit of gossip anyway. Nobody can make you feel ashamed, and if they try, it says more about them than you.

Kidchameleon

Go easy on the lad, he can tell whoever he wants, thats not up you. His ex's children have a half sibling coming into the world. OP I would suggest councelling for you both

Dial Hard

Kidchameleon wrote:

Go easy on the lad, he can tell whoever he wants, thats not up you. His ex's children have a half sibling coming into the world.

The OP hasn't even decided if she's keeping the baby yet, so him telling *anyone* about the pregnancy was extremely premature.

OP, I think some neutral, non-directive counselling is what you need right now. You're understandably in a tizzy and that's not a good mindset to be trying to make decisions in. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

TheBoyConor

if you do decide to have an abortion there is no obligation on you to tell your mother, your ex or anyone else if you feel that their knowing about it would cause you additional hassle. However, you probably would have to tell your ex now that he knows you're pregnant. If you felt that he would react badly to finding out you had an abortion you could always just tell him you lost it. This happens more often than you think.

LegacyUser

Hi all op here, after he told his wife he even discussed it with her...ie how the birth control failed etc. And the things she said about me are truly horrific...i won't lie I did get so angry. We are barely speaking now he feels I've no right to be angry ...i begged him not to tell her and he promised he would....its the greatest invasion of privacy.

I have been to counselling and I have 2 amazing friends to talk to but but both of them have completely different opinions.

I look at my child and I get such a pang of sadness

Xterminator

OSI wrote: »

Truly horrific advice.

as opposed to an unwanted pregnancy and loss of relationship with partner/child's father?

i can understand why the advice was offered.

I read a post on recently where a US student was pregnant has 70k in student debt, and had very little money as she was in an entry level job. Lived in a bedsit with no room, and the cost of having a baby there is excessive. the boyfriend was also broke and couldn't/wouldn't contribute money, but when she told him she wanted an abortion he told her that would end the relationship because he didn't want to be with someone who thought that way.

so damned if you do and damned if you don't?

It takes two to make the baby, but the OP here is burdened with all the responsibility and sacrifices pregnancy will entail.

So yes if the person who bears all the responsibility did make a decision without consulting the unsupportive partner i think that's pretty understandable.

TheBoyConor

That's it pretty much. I'm a guy but I think men shouldn't really have any input making or veto when it comes to what his female partner wants when it comes to deciding to have or abort a pregnancy.
At the end of the day it is the woman who bears 99% of the risk whereas a guy can decide at literally any point "f* this, I'm outta here!" and the woman is literally left holding the baby.

if the partner is likely to react badly to news of an abortion then for her to tell him it was a miscarriage is probably the lesser of two evils.

Hannibal_Smith

Opbackagain121 wrote: »

Hi all op here, after he told his wife he even discussed it with her...ie how the birth control failed etc. And the things she said about me are truly horrific...i won't lie I did get so angry. We are barely speaking now he feels I've no right to be angry ...i begged him not to tell her and he promised he would....its the greatest invasion of privacy.

I have been to counselling and I have 2 amazing friends to talk to but but both of them have completely different opinions.

I look at my child and I get such a pang of sadness

Would you normally have a good relationship with the ex wife? I can't remember from reading the original post. Your partner was wrong to break the confidence. But don't absorb her reaction into the problem. It means nothing. Her opinion, unless you respect her, is absolutely irrelevant.

Is it that he told someone, or that he told her, the very last person you would like to know?

I have to say, I would be furious if my partner did that. We had a pregnancy scare recently, maybe my husband discussed it with others, maybe he didn't, but if he had told someone when I had specifically asked him not to I would have been very disappointed in him. It was a pretty freaky time and I was mortified about the possibility of having to tell people and what would happen with work.

It might be worth:-

- thinking about how you feel about the pregnancy. Forget about everyone else's reaction. How do you feel about it?

- have a word with your partner about running to his EX wife with your personal information. He has to realise now that he's in a relationship with you and respect your privacy. I don't think you're wrong for being angry with him.

- discuss the pregnancy between you both and talk about How you both feel and think about it. Whilst I agree you're right to be mad, it's not the time to cut off communication. There are important conversations to be had. Maybe he saw how freaked out you were and didn't want to upset you by talking about it, but felt he had to talk to someone?

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Would you normally have a good relationship with the ex wife? I can't remember from reading the original post. Your partner was wrong to break the confidence. But don't absorb her reaction into the problem. It means nothing. Her opinion, unless you respect her, is absolutely irrelevant.

Is it that he told someone, or that he told her, the very last person you would like to know?

I have to say, I would be furious if my partner did that. We had a pregnancy scare recently, maybe my husband discussed it with others, maybe he didn't, but if he had told someone when I had specifically asked him not to I would have been very disappointed in him. It was a pretty freaky time and I was mortified about the possibility of having to tell people and what would happen with work.

It might be worth:-

- thinking about how you feel about the pregnancy. Forget about everyone else's reaction. How do you feel about it?

- have a word with your partner about running to his EX wife with your personal information. He has to realise now that he's in a relationship with you and respect your privacy. I don't think you're wrong for being angry with him.

- discuss the pregnancy between you both and talk about How you both feel and think about it. Whilst I agree you're right to be mad, it's not the time to cut off communication. There are important conversations to be had. Maybe he saw how freaked out you were and didn't want to upset you by talking about it, but felt he had to talk to someone?

We broke up the day before we found out I was pregnant...he had told 2 friends...it was his wife who left him and he spent a long time trying to win her back. I've never met the ex wife, we were only together 6 months when this happened so it's an absolute disaster

TheBoyConor

Tbh op you owe him nothing. You had a brief relationship with him which is now over because you have broken up. You don't owe him, his wife or anyone else an explanation for anything. Whatever you choose to do is your decision and yours only.

Scraggs

You are being so hard on yourself. The stigma of unplanned pregnancy isn't a thing these days as it was years ago and even if there are office gossips they'll move on to the next bit of news.
Whatever you decide make sure it's what you want, however well meaning advice is they aren't the ones who will have to raise the child or have to travel for an abortion.
The timing of the breakup means you probably haven't fully dealt with that either but it certainly sounds like it was was the correct decision from what you have written here. Going forward try not to pay any heed to what the ex wife has to say, their relationship sounds so f@#ked up and unhealthy you're best to stay clear!

Best of luck with your decision.

Hannibal_Smith

Opbackagain121 wrote: »

We broke up the day before we found out I was pregnant...he had told 2 friends...it was his wife who left him and he spent a long time trying to win her back. I've never met the ex wife, we were only together 6 months when this happened so it's an absolute disaster

Sorry...I just re-read your original post and see you said you've broken up.

Can you talk to a crisis pregnancy organisation. They may be able to help you get your ducks in a row? Your head must be melted.

di11on

Hey OP....

I live in France... you should come over here just for a breath of fresh air. No one cares who's married and who isn't or who anyone's father is. That's because they know it's none of their business.

And in Ireland, attitudes are changing too. So, I would tend to say who cares what who thinks, whatever you decide. As another poster said, you might provide an alternative water cooler conversation topic for a week or two but it will all be forgotten.

I remember being on a night out with the lads once... I had to crash at a buddy's house because I missed the last bus home. Anyway, while very classily emptying the contents of my stomach around the corner, I came back with a big cut on my forehead. I was mortified wondering how the hell I was going to turn up for work with this big cut. I remember like it was yesterday my friend saying there's nothing for it buddy, you're just going to have to take it on the chin.

For some reason, this episode really taught be that even thought the thoughts of being conspicuous for whatever reason can be absolutely horrifying, when you look back, it seems so trivial.

I remember also a girl coming back from maternity leave very pregnant, again :-) She was mortified. Do you think she cares now?

Best of luck op, whatever you decide.

nikkibikki

Opbackagain121 wrote:

We broke up the day before we found out I was pregnant...he had told 2 friends...it was his wife who left him and he spent a long time trying to win her back. I've never met the ex wife, we were only together 6 months when this happened so it's an absolute disaster

This has made me think......is it a ploy to make her jealous to get back with her? He seemed to not care about betraying your confidence.

Try forget about the ex-wife. Her opinion of you is completely irrelevant. She's never even met you, she has no right to judge you. She is not a factor. Try to deal with this matter-of-factly and logically. Get crisis pregnancy counselling.

LegacyUser

Hi, Please listen to your heart. Your heart has a bigger perspective than what seems logical for the short term. What other people think (your mother or anyone else) should not be part of this decision.

I'm writing this as someone who went against my own heart. For me at the time, reasons were not having money, no career(I'd just started a job), not having family to trust to help with a child (I came from a childhood of abuse and could not trust these people with a child). I was dealing with addiction as well and not thinking clearly.

If you're lucky enough to have good health, friends or family who would support, you have a job, a career, some bit of security, then please for your own sake (and everyone who will be touched by this decision) do what you know to be right.

Even though it may be challenging in the beginning, please be strong, it will be worth it. It will work out and life will get better, knowing you did the right thing.

I did not listen to my heart and have not really been at peace since (nearly 20 years ago).

eviltwin

peace11 wrote: »

Hi, Please listen to your heart. Your heart has a bigger perspective than what seems logical for the short term. What other people think (your mother or anyone else) should not be part of this decision.

I'm writing this as someone who went against my own heart. For me at the time, reasons were not having money, no career(I'd just started a job), not having family to trust to help with a child (I came from a childhood of abuse and could not trust these people with a child). I was dealing with addiction as well and not thinking clearly.

If you're lucky enough to have good health, friends or family who would support, you have a job, a career, some bit of security, then please for your own sake (and everyone who will be touched by this decision) do what you know to be right.

Even though it may be challenging in the beginning, please be strong, it will be worth it. It will work out and life will get better, knowing you did the right thing.

I did not listen to my heart and have not really been at peace since (nearly 20 years ago).

There is no right or wrong in a crisis pregnancy, only what's best for the people involved.

I'm sorry you made a decision you regret but that's not a burden you should place on the OP. Her decision should be free from guilt tripping and scare mongering.

Emme

Whattodowithunplannedpregnancy wrote: »

Hi all

Just looking for some outside perspectives. I just finished with a guy who I was seeing for 6 months due to his situation with depression and in my opinion not over his ex wife. He's separated with 3 kids, I am in my 30s and have one older child

How old is your older child?

Whattodowithunplannedpregnancy wrote: »

Logically I know the best choice is abortion however my heart is saying otherwise. Never in a million years did I thinking find myself in this situation. My birth control failed. I am in a senior role in my job so the thoughts of people talking about me is keeping me up at night and the fact that my mother would be absolutely disgusted. My mother also has a terminal illness so it's been a lot to deal with.

It is sad that in Ireland you still worry about what people think. It is none of their business. Sorry to hear about your mother. Would she really be disgusted? You have another life on the way. It's your life, not your mother's. Do what you want. I would say follow your heart.

Whattodowithunplannedpregnancy wrote: »

I did tell the father and asked him to tell no one as I'm feeling very vulnerable and especially not his ex wife...he has now told me that he has told her even though they barely speak and in his own words he has described her as toxic. I have asked him to leave me alone as the betrayal was just too great. I begged him to keep it between us.

You are well rid of your ex. It seems to me like he told his ex wife to annoy her, maybe to make her jealous and maybe to let her know that he still has viable sperm and (depending on his age and her age) he can still get a fertile woman :rolleyes:

He's a dickhead.

Whattodowithunplannedpregnancy wrote: »

I feel like a mess, I'm afraid of the regret the shame and just feel like I can't focus. Please go easy with the responses I'm feeling stupid enough as it is.

Why are you so afraid of the shame? This is 2018, not 1958. Contact a sensible crisis pregnancy agency for advice. You have no reason to feel stupid.

Think of your child - maybe he or she would like a little brother or sister? Don't mind me, I'm biased because I'm an only child.

Is there anywhere you can get support? You should not feel shame or fear because of an unplanned pregnancy in 2018.