Past experiences giving me anxiety about new relationship

LegacyUser

Hi so I’ll try keep this brief in the hope that somebody has been where I am and come out the other side or has any words of wisdom.
So I’m 31 and my relationship history with guys has been pretty bad. My longest relationship was 9 months which I ended. I suppose you could say that I’ve been “burned” quite a lot by different guys in the past. There has been a lot of scenarios where I’ve had 4 or 5 dates, guy has gone cold and he has ended things. My most recent relationship was sort of long distance in that I met him while he was home, I visited him in the UK, he visited me here once and the next time he was home he just stopped texting and said he thought he wanted to see me but really didn’t.
I spent a lot of time after this beating myself up as maybe I can be a bit soft in that I’m probably one of these people who appears quite tough but I’ve always felt it would be so special to meet “the one” as people call it. Maybe I have built relationships up because of this but I’ve definitely been left with issues as a result of the past.
The last relationship hurt me badly in the sense that the guy didn’t meet up with me and literally went radio silence. I never contacted him in the meantime until two months later I just said that while I knew things were definitely over, I was left confused by the whole thing and if there was something about me that he hated or couldn’t deal with then I’d like to know for myself. As you can guess he never replied which left me feeling worse than before.

I met a guy over the summer through friends and we got on well. Initially I was reluctant to give it a chance as I was so scared to get hurt again. We took it slowly at the start and after the first 3 or 4 dates I can honestly say I was a bit numb and it wouldn’t have bothered me if he stopped texting or contacting me. In my head I kept thinking at least if he stopped contacting me I’d know the outcome and I could sort of relax then. Since then however, I have become more and more attracted to him. Things are really good between us. He’s kind, funny, we have similar views on life and the physical side of things is great too.. We have lots of fun together whether that be staying in watching Netflix, out walking or cooking dinner. He has told me twice that he really likes me and he is always excited to see me. I’m totally flattered by that but I can’t seem to be able to say it back to him or show him any sign that I really like him apart from the fact that I enjoy being with him.

Now that I like him, I’ve become scared to let myself fall for him Incase he does what other guys have done in the past. I actually have been seeing him since the middle of June but I haven’t told many friends because I had began to get embarrassed about telling them I was seeing someone and the next time I met them having to say it didn’t work. He came over last night and I didn’t really enjoy the night because for a large part of it I had thoughts running through my head like how much I liked him, trying to find ways to say it, wondering if I should say it because who knows it could be over next week.

I really don’t want past experiences ruining what I have with this guy but the more I get to know him and like him, the more scared I’m getting that I’m going to get hurt. This anxiety and fear is stopping me from enjoying the “now” with him and I’m scared that he’ll dump me if he gets a sense that I’m feeling like this. Is it something I should bring up with him to let him know some information about what I’m feeling or do I just need to cop on to myself and try get over it? If I should tell him some of what I’m feeling, how do I go about that? I don’t want this anxiety to ruin what we have but it’s like the more I like him the worse I’m getting.

di11on

Hey OP.

You know what, you only live once.

Getting hurt is the hazard of being alive and being a creature of emotion. You can't love without opening yourself to the possibility of being hurt.

Of course, there are those of us who are very emotional and need to hold ourselves back a bit, and that's ok... but in the end of the day, we have to live and love and take a chance.

Embrace life. Of course it might end... but maybe if it ended a bit down the line, would you really regret having gone for it.

Sounds like you are young. You have all the time in the world. You don't have to rush anything, but you don't have to be super guarded either.

Also, there are ways of communicating the message you want to get across without making a big moment of it. You could make a point of saying, when you see him next, "it's really great to see you, I missed you" or something like that. He'll get the message. I'm sure you can come up with something that strikes the right balance.

That's my two cent

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the reply. I guess I am just at a stage now where it is beginning to ruin things in my head as I'm not actually present when we are together. In the back of my head is the realisation that I'm mad about him, but part of me holds back and keeps things quite cool. He made a joke a week or two ago that he was the soppy one out of the both of us, but really I am probably just as soppy but I just can't bring myself to say it.
How do you just let go and be vulnerable with someone when you're terrified of falling for someone and being hurt? I feel like the more time I spend with him, the more I like him and the more I like him the more I'm holding back feelings etc.

Has anyone ever shared their insecurities like this with their partner and how did they react? I guess it's not his problem how I'm feeling but maybe telling him would just be a weight off my shoulders.

Faith

I would think that you could share with him that you have been hurt before and that you have difficulty expressing your feelings as a result. Ask him to be patient with you. You don’t need to make a big deal out of it, but I can’t see anything wrong with sharing an explanation about your behaviour.

ginandtonicsky

Your story about the long-distance ex that didn't get in touch is familiar. You've posted about this before I think?

Sounds like you're two things, 1. prone to overthinking and 2. quite an emotionally driven person. The key is to tone down 1 and be true to yourself on 2. It's fine to be emotional, one would argue it's important to be that way in relationships.

Vulnerability is a necessary ingredient to live a happy and fulfilled life. It's not a weakness, it's an absolute strength. I watch this video frequently when I'm feeling as you do - insecure and afraid.

advicewelcome wrote: »

How do you just let go and be vulnerable with someone when you're terrified of falling for someone and being hurt? I feel like the more time I spend with him, the more I like him and the more I like him the more I'm holding back feelings etc.

With respect, you put on your big girl pants and you get honest about your feelings. You're fully entitled to and expected to assert your feelings in any relationship you're in - you absolutely should tell this guy about your past and how that's left you in a place of uncertainty in new relationships. Tell him you're developing strong feelings, but have trouble opening up and to please bear with you because you think he's amazing. Who wouldn't want to hear that?

Calypso Realm

Instead of making a big deal out of the whole thing, why not just say it back when he next says how much he likes you?