Low self esteem / Don't like the way I look

Red Lightning

Hi all,

I'm a 24 year old male and have been struggling with my self esteem and my appearance.

I'm in relatively good shape but have been going to the gym for the last 18 months to try and get in great shape.
In that regard, I'm working on things but I've always disliked my face and it has affected my self esteem.

When it comes to looks I rarely get women taking a second look at me. I have a friend who would be quite handsome who gets hundreds of matches on tinder and I would struggle to get over 30 and we live in the same area.

I also have a good few female friends and when they talk about how 'hot' some guy is or what they would 'do to them' etc. it just feels like someone has punched me in the stomach.
I know I shouldn't let this stuff bother me.

I would be quite a happy go lucky fella and try and brighten people's day when I can but Im starting to feel that it just ends up in a lot of people taking me for granted and just not giving me much respect.

It brings me down at times and wouldn't mind if anyone could give me some advice on how to deal with these sort of feelings.
Thanks

Jay Pentatonic

- Keep going to the gym.
- Get off tinder, a break from it would be good as it probably isn't doing much good to your mind.
- Meditate for at least 10 minutes each day, this could help you deal with difficult feelings (especially those feelings that occur when girls you know are talking about other guys).

- Most importantly, set yourself some long term goals and do a tiny bit each day to achieve those goals.

As a guy you're lucky; ambition, confidence and a good personality are highly attractive qualities.
Keep working on yourself, bit by bit each day. You'll surprise yourself in time. Be kind to yourself. You'll be okay.

Red Lightning

Jay Pentatonic wrote: »

- Keep going to the gym.
- Get off tinder, a break from it would be good as it probably isn't doing much good to your mind.
- Meditate for at least 10 minutes each day, this could help you deal with difficult feelings (especially those feelings that occur when girls you know are talking about other guys).

- Most importantly, set yourself some long term goals and do a tiny bit each day to achieve those goals.

As a guy you're lucky; ambition, confidence and a good personality are highly attractive qualities.
Keep working on yourself, bit by bit each day. You'll surprise yourself in time. Be kind to yourself. You'll be okay.

Thanks for the reply. Will take the info on board.

December2012

Why do you need more than 30 likes? Surely only one, the right one, will do.

It sounds like you are doing the right things for your appearance, but you need to change your perspective to boostuour esteem.

Red Lightning

December2012 wrote: »

Why do you need more than 30 likes? Surely only one, the right one, will do.

It sounds like you are doing the right things for your appearance, but you need to change your perspective to boostuour esteem.

You're right that I only need the right one but out of 30 matches on tinder, about 3 reply and that's before we even see if we suit each other.

Red Lightning

I sometimes hate my personality cos I feel as though it isn't the type of one that people like. I struggle to click with people, especially women and always feel like a burden.

leggo

I'm gonna give you some practical advice that might help with your looks, because I think a lot of time guys have to figure this out for themselves as it's not something people are necessarily taught:

Do you wash your face at least once a day? I mean properly, with hot water to open your pores, with face wash and cold water to close your pores. Do you moisturise your skin so it doesn't get dry and stays looking fresh? Do you shower daily? Do you look after your teeth and, if they aren't good, do you go to the dentist regularly and take their advice?

Do you have a good haircut, i.e. one you look at in the mirror and think "**** yeah this looks good"? If not, get one. Google fashionable haircuts and see if you can find one you actually like, then take that to a barber (go to a decent one, no discount cuts), show them the picture and tell them to give you as close to that as they can. Do you dress well and feel good while dressed up to socialise etc? Like, do your clothes fit in a way that flatters you? (So if you're skinny or toned, do the clothes fit nicely but look tight and flattering, or if you're a little overweight wear darker colours and tend towards baggier informal stuff or wear suits/blazers to formal occasions) If not, do the same as with the haircut and Google fashionable stuff, see what connects with you and you think looks good on others.

Do you go to the gym or have some kind of physical fitness routine in place? Do you have a healthy diet or do you eat a lot of processed foods, snack regularly, drink fizzy drinks etc? I recently started doing intermittent dieting and it's great, I've seen great results in just a few weeks. It's not even that strict: it's more about when you eat than what (although you can't eat crap).

You don't have to answer any of those questions here btw, but that's a beginners guide to looking good and feeling better about yourself physically as a guy. It costs money and takes effort and commitment, so to get to the level you're willing to do that, you need to tell yourself that you deserve to have your share of happiness in life like so many others. Even if you don't really feel it at times, force yourself to think it and literally say it to yourself in private. Fake it til you make it and all that. It's all doable and it's what guys you may look at and envy do, so if you can't do it then what you have to see is that you're making a choice to be unhappy. And when you think of it that way, it seems kind of mental not to do it, right?

Give it 4-6 weeks of doing all of the above and you'll feel like a new man. Then the rest will become easier. But the routine and rut you're in that's led to this is what is put you here, so you need to commit to changing that. Posting here and admitting it is a good first step so you seem ready to do so, I wish you luck with it.

Red Lightning

leggo wrote: »

I'm gonna give you some practical advice that might help with your looks, because I think a lot of time guys have to figure this out for themselves as it's not something people are necessarily taught:

Do you wash your face at least once a day? I mean properly, with hot water to open your pores, with face wash and cold water to close your pores. Do you moisturise your skin so it doesn't get dry and stays looking fresh? Do you shower daily? Do you look after your teeth and, if they aren't good, do you go to the dentist regularly and take their advice?

Do you have a good haircut, i.e. one you look at in the mirror and think "**** yeah this looks good"? If not, get one. Google fashionable haircuts and see if you can find one you actually like, then take that to a barber (go to a decent one, no discount cuts), show them the picture and tell them to give you as close to that as they can. Do you dress well and feel good while dressed up to socialise etc? Like, do your clothes fit in a way that flatters you? (So if you're skinny or toned, do the clothes fit nicely but look tight and flattering, or if you're a little overweight wear darker colours and tend towards baggier informal stuff or wear suits/blazers to formal occasions) If not, do the same as with the haircut and Google fashionable stuff, see what connects with you and you think looks good on others.

Do you go to the gym or have some kind of physical fitness routine in place? Do you have a healthy diet or do you eat a lot of processed foods, snack regularly, drink fizzy drinks etc? I recently started doing intermittent dieting and it's great, I've seen great results in just a few weeks. It's not even that strict: it's more about when you eat than what (although you can't eat crap).

You don't have to answer any of those questions here btw, but that's a beginners guide to looking good and feeling better about yourself physically as a guy. It costs money and takes effort and commitment, so to get to the level you're willing to do that, you need to tell yourself that you deserve to have your share of happiness in life like so many others. Even if you don't really feel it at times, force yourself to think it and literally say it to yourself in private. Fake it til you make it and all that. It's all doable and it's what guys you may look at and envy do, so if you can't do it then what you have to see is that you're making a choice to be unhappy. And when you think of it that way, it seems kind of mental not to do it, right?

Give it 4-6 weeks of doing all of the above and you'll feel like a new man. Then the rest will become easier. But the routine and rut you're in that's led to this is what is put you here, so you need to commit to changing that. Posting here and admitting it is a good first step so you seem ready to do so, I wish you luck with it.

Thanks Leggo. Tbh I have nearly all of the above down. I know because I had to ask myself those questions before. I think my biggest problem is my lack of social life. I suffer from anxiety, OCD and depression which makes trying to 'live' life difficult a lot of the time. I've been getting help for years and am in medication but still don't go out as much as I should or would like to.

bloodless_coup

What I'd do for 30 tinder matches...

December2012

Why don't you have a social life?

thebull85

Take an extended break off all social media sites. They are poison to a fella feeling the way you do.

Red Lightning

December2012 wrote: »

Why don't you have a social life?

I live in a rural part of Ireland with very little going on for people my age is the simple answer but I also haven't pushed myself enough in general.

Red Lightning

thebull85 wrote: »

Take an extended break off all social media sites. They are poison to a fella feeling the way you do.

They are poison for most people tbh. I have considered it but it feels like it is my only method of staying in somewhat contact with people. It cud also push me to go out more so it cud work.

December2012

Can you change that? Can you push yourself to get out and meet people in real life?

Red Lightning

December2012 wrote: »

Can you change that? Can you push yourself to get out and meet people in real life?

I could being totally honest. My biggest problem is I have nobody to do things with but I need to learn to do things on my own to try and meet new people.

December2012

Okay well that sucks.

It's a problem lots of people have. Have a look at Meet up.com and see what you can do to change that.

Red Lightning

December2012 wrote: »

Okay well that sucks.

It's a problem lots of people have. Have a look at Meet up.com and see what you can do to change that.

I have to work on that is right. Cheers

ginandtonicsky

Doesn’t sound like your looks are the problem then and more about your mental health. What are you doing to manage that?

Get off the dating apps should be the first step. They’ll ruin even the most confident and emotionally robust of us, they’re no place for someone with depression and anxiety and insecurities.

I’d look into gym or fitness classes or any social activities happening connected to your fitness club. IME most gym classes are about 80 percent female. My gym for example has a tennis round robin every month, monthly social nights, brunch after the Saturday class etc. If that’s a big interest of yours you have to just be a bit smart about using it as a social outlet too.

Ursus Horribilis

Are gyms and fitness classes really a way to meet people though? From my experience of them, people go there to get fit, not to be social.

December2012

It depends on the club. I personally don't want that from my gym.


I see some of the local crossfit gyms seem to do it though.

ginandtonicsky

It totally depends on the gym. I joined a health club recently that brands itself as a social outlet, in-house pub and cafe, loads of classes, monthly night-time events etc. It’s 100% a place to make friends, with perhaps less of that serious sweat-box scrappy gym vibe that lots of other places have.

CrossFit, F45, HIIT studios, yoga schools etc would all have that same vibe IME, it’s there if you want it, far more than your standard Pure Gym or 24 Hr fitness where 99% of people are there to train and train only.

If you’re in a gym 6 days a week then stands to reason you’d like someone with the same interest in fitness and self-care, you just have to do you research and make sure it’s a class / club etc that you love and that you’re not just there to meet a fit girlfriend! (We can smell that a mile away)

HandsomeBob

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Are gyms and fitness classes really a way to meet people though? From my experience of them, people go there to get fit, not to be social.

Yeah....certainly no frill gyms anyway. People aren't there to build their social network.

OP you sound like a good bloke that just needs to tear things down in order to rebuild. For one how good are these friends of yours because if they're making you feel small, even unintentionally, perhaps you need a break from them.

I would also agree taking a break from social media would be good. I know what you mean about needing it to stay in contact with people, but if they really need you they know your number. I've reduced my own exposure to it and it's been very good for me.

Last thing I'd say is I'm in the same boat as you in relation to not having anyone to do stuff with but I'm going on 32, you're 24! Absolutely do stuff on your own and be relaxed about it, look happy and people will talk to you. Best of luck.

Red Lightning

Thanks a million for all the replies folks. Really appreciated.
There is a town 45 minutes away from me where there would be more a chance of fitness classes to try and meet like minded people etc and there is a Institute of technology in the town so would have similar aged people to me.
As has been mentioned, I think my social situation is affecting my self esteem so doing more things and meeting new people should hopefully improve it.