Helping a friend

sallyanne12

My best friend (27) has been going out with her boyfriend (30) for a year now. He met her family and all our friends many times over the past few months. They seemed really strong and good together. It was his 30th birthday last week and she was trying To arrange a party for him but he said he got stuck in work and couldn't come. (He works all different hours and travels a lot) anyway she found out he in fact has a wife as she stumbled across her Facebook page- there was a picture of them celebrating his 30th together. This came as a shock to me so You can imagine how big a shock it is to her. She's utterly broken over this and wants my advice what to do.. I don't want to advise her wrongly.. Should she tell him she knows?tell his wife? Would a man like this even explain why he did this to her?
Why did he get such an intense relationship going with her and become such a big part of her life if it was just an affair,??

woodchuck

Assuming the information your friend found is correct, then she should definitely break up with him. And I think she should tell him the reason why! Now she should probably be prepared for him to have some sort of bullsh1t explanation, but if she's sure he's married, she needs to stick to her guns.

As for telling the wife, I probably wouldn't bother myself. Your friend is going through enough atm without worrying about sticking her oar into their marriage. Even if she does contact the wife, the husband will probably come up with an explanation that the wife will buy (e.g. your friend is a crazy ex with a grudge). She's going to trust her husband over the word of a stranger.

As for why he got into such an intense relationship just for an affair? Who knows. He probably just wanted to keep getting the leg over though... I wouldn't tell your friend that though. Just keep telling her what an asshole he is and that she needs to confront and dump him!!

LostTazMan

Firstly your friend needs to cut him out of her life completely. Someone who can lie to that extent will never be a good partner. I would also suggest that she get tested for STIs, as there is no way of knowing if he has passed anything on to her.
I would not say anything to his wife. His family are obviously covering for him already, so telling her will gain nothing.
Best wishes.

LolaJJ

Having been in a similar, but less dramatic situation previously.

If I could go back in time I would have completely closed down any open lines of communication and not given him any indication as to why I'd decided to vanish.

Confrontation is pointless, it happened, it's unforgivable and he's never going to be able to deliver any kind of message that will give any kind of genuine closure....He is a liar. He is comfortable lying to her and he will also lie to get out of this situation (if he's given an opportunity)

My advice is to walk away and don't look back.

One of the positives I'll offer is that its actually easier to get over someone once you realise they are a lying scumbag with nothing to offer you

It's not easy, but your friend will be ok, and she'll come out sronger x

heretothere

What an a$$!!!!! Tell her to drop him like the rat he is. That she has no blame in this, she knew nothing about it.

I'd probably tell him I knew, because that's me.

The main thing you can do is be there for your friend, and help her to see that not all men are like that and help her move on as she is going to find it hard to trust a new man.

Not that it makes a difference, married is married. He probably wasn't even married for that long (judging by his age) before starting the affair he might have even gotten married whilst going out with your friend, his poor wife. I think I would tell her. Send her a message with pictures of us together, tell the wife she can add her on facebook for a few days if she wants and she can look back through posts to see the dates for herself. Just if it was me I'd want to know. She doesn't want to find out in 5 years time with 2 toddlers.

Edit - actually I might not tell him I knew, as it would give him a chance to start lying to the wife about the affair

Whispered

I'd tell the wife. If it were me I would want to know.

Arrival

Whispered wrote: »

I'd tell the wife. If it were me I would want to know.

This, absolutely. Your friend isn't the only one affected by this scumbag's behaviour and any person wronged so badly by someone they love and trust deserves to be aware so they can decide for themselves what happens to their relationship.

Caranica

Whispered wrote: »

I'd tell the wife. If it were me I would want to know.

Absolutely not. She needs to use her energy to heal and move on. Getting involved any more in his marriage than she already was is going to hold her back. Moving on is a priority

bertsmom

Caranica wrote:

Absolutely not. She needs to use her energy to heal and move on. Getting involved any more in his marriage than she already was is going to hold her back. Moving on is a priority

Just think this is the best advice. Her priority right now should be her own well being. It's such a lot for her to get her head around being duped like that I think involving anyone else ie the wife just leads her to more heartbreak.
It's not her fault and now she should just take the time to heal and move on.
I don't think there is anything positive to be gained by telling the wife that's not her responsibility or her problem.

Kidchameleon

The mans wife needs to know, an anonymous letter with evidence would be the way to go. Then the OP's friend should get on with their life

bertsmom

Kidchameleon wrote:

The mans wife needs to know, an anonymous letter with evidence would be the way to go. Then the OP's friend should get on with their life

If the man's wife needs to know I would leave to her to find out. I'm sure she can work out eventually that all is not well in her marriage. I can't see any need for the Ops friend or the OP to be any further involved in this situation it's not her problem.
I would also consider that his actions are hurtful enough for his wife the idea that an anonymous person out there has more knowledge of his marriage and life and has the family home address might also cause her even further distress. I would say just take care of yourself to the Ops friend

strandroad

I'm a straight shooter so I would just message the wife, and dump the guy. As in cut him off. I'd be fuming.

Yes I would absolutely message the wife. The amount of lives wasted because someone who knew didn't feel like opening their mouth or sending a text... and cost the person years of their life and a lot of pain that they could be saved from.

Kidchameleon

bertsmom wrote: »

If the man's wife needs to know I would leave to her to find out. I'm sure she can work out eventually that all is not well in her marriage. I can't see any need for the Ops friend or the OP to be any further involved in this situation it's not her problem.
I would also consider that his actions are hurtful enough for his wife the idea that an anonymous person out there has more knowledge of his marriage and life and has the family home address might also cause her even further distress. I would say just take care of yourself to the Ops friend

I get what your saying but what if she doesnt find out? She probably doesnt know as yet, what damage could a guy like this do if left to carry on cheating? The wife could catch an std for example, or her kids may end up with half siblings, that imho would be a worse outcome. She has to know somehow

bertsmom

Kidchameleon wrote:

I get what your saying but what if she doesnt find out? She probably doesnt know as yet, what damage could a guy like this do if left to carry on cheating? The wife could catch an std for example, or her kids may end up with half siblings, that imho would be a worse outcome. She has to know somehow

I understand what you are saying but I still don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to go informing the wife that her husband is not being faithful.
To me she is in a marriage and it's between the two of them to sort out their own problems and likewise everyone's sexual health is their own business and their own responsibility. Unless she is completely checked out of the marriage or he stops playing around she will find out herself without anyone else getting involved.

sallyanne12

Hi all, OP here. Thanks for all your replies, all very much appreciated xx
Just an update- I told her to leave him, not to look back and not say anything to the wife as others advised. She told him she knows and wants nothing more to do with him. He told her he loves her and wants to continue seeing her and that he feels confused and doesn't want to hurt his wife. She is being silly as a lot of people in love can be and is listening to her heart instead of her head. She's starting to convince herself that he in fact must have feelings for her and must not love the wife if he is cheating on her... I think it's best I stay out of it cos she's not listening to my advice and just wants to stay with him and for him to leave his wife. disgusted with her tbh

bertsmom

Oh well OP theres nothing you can do. The heart is a funny thing. Id just leave them to it. If shes a good friend id try not to be too hard on her its tough for her too. Hopefully in time it will sort itself out however that might be, meanwhile id stay well out of the whole debacle but be there as a friend as you were before if you can. If you view her differently now then maby a bit of distance between ye. Good luck

tupenny

Being "disgusted" with her is a bit harsh.
But Yeah, take a step back if needs be