Did you consider the legal side of marriage before going ahead?

lazygal

Thought this might fit here mods if that's OK.
Thread in another forum on the legal side of marriage vs cohabiting and other arrangements got me wondering how many here are getting or did get married because they wanted the legal rights and responsibilities of marriage not just the love stuff. We definitely got married for next of kin, tax etc, besides being in love.

Faith

We got married for love with very little consideration of the legal aspects. The only one that really matters to us is the next of kin thing. We live in the UK currently and there are basically no tax reasons to be married here, and we don't plan on having children so that wasn't a factor.

That being said, I'd tend towards advising long-term couples with children to get married for the legal reasons, because I think it's much more important when children are in the mix.

GingerLily

Next of Kin was definitely a serious consideration for me, but wasn't the reason necessarily why we got married.

I completely understand why some unmarried long term couples don't want to have a wedding, but I'd advise them to consider the legal implications of getting married/not getting married!

baby and crumble

I proposed to my girlfriend when we couldn't get married, only have a civil partnership which had like, 100+ differences (lesser rights tbh) than marriage. We decided to wait until we could actually get married in the eyes of the law at the same equal legal footing as everyone else. The legal ramifications were extremely important to us.

Of course we wanted to get married because we love each other but we were keenly aware that I had absolutely zero rights (and vice-versa) should anything happen to us if we weren't married. I had friends who were completely cut out of their partners lives and deaths because of unsupportive family at times of crisis. As we got older we realised how important that could end up being.

I also grew up never ever thinking I'd ever be legally married in my own country. It was kind of a big deal tbh.

love_love

I never wanted to get married, and vowed I would only consider it for legal reasons, probably re: kids. With my OH, we both asserted early on in our relationship that we definitely wanted be parents. We were chatting about something to do with this while he's cooking dinner one evening, and he asserts that he would want to be married before having kids.

Me: Sure, that makes sense. We can nip down the registry office whenever you knock me up.
Him: What?! Like, I want to propose and everything.
Me: Em... hmm... I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, if it's important to you, I suppose that's okay.
Him: Yeah, I want to pick a ring and propose and have a wedding and all that stuff.
Me: Well, if you want all of that, and I want to have kids by X age, I'd need to be pregnant by Y age. It takes at least a year to plan a wedding, so if you're gonna propose, you need to do it by Z age. Or we could just do it my way.
Him: Romantic.

Now as it turns out, we're planning a pretty traditional loved-up day, but I would have been just as happy to the legal stuff on my lunch break from work some day and be done with it (that's actually the only wedding related thing I ever fantasised about before all this).

eviltwin

I got married purely for financial security. I saw someone fleeced by inheritance tax because they weren't married and it was a shock how unprotected we were. Getting married back then was 50 euros in the registry office so it was a no brainer. Obviously we love each other too but I was never really into the whole marriage thing and would have been happy just to live in sin.

Loveinapril

The legal side was definitely a factor for us getting married. We were together a decade and had a four month engagement so we could try for a family once we were married. I wanted to ensure my husband had immediate equal rights of our child at birth. I have health issues so the next of kin thing was important too. The tax credits were a nice bonus considering my husband is a fulltime student.

LirW

Yeah, I worked as an accountant for a few years and tax was a big reason.
We wanted to get married before having a child but found out I was pregnant the day we wanted to put the deposit down for the venue, we decided to push our plans back, then it happened that we bought a house and now we will go for it again.
It's not particularly straight forward for me to get the millions of documents I need from the embassy because their marriage laws don't go well together with the Irish ones and everything is a lengthy, pain in the ar5e process.

But yeah, main reason is tax and equal rights on everything we have already and it makes sense now.
If I'd just nip down to the registry office though, which I can't anyway, I'd get mayhem and hell from certain relatives and they'd be truly hurt about not being there.

jlm29

We’re not married, but have a few kids, live in his house, with a joint mortgage. I am very very aware of how messy life would be if one of us was hit by a bus and shuffled off to our mortal coil.
I couldn’t give a fiddlers about a big white wedding, but we will certainly tie the knot sooner rather than later.
The extra tax credits will be a nice bonus!

silent_spark

Absolutely! The only reason we’re getting married is the legal security it brings.

Neyite

I've also contributed to the other thread where we've discussed people not getting married.

For me, it's partly the legal stuff but also getting married is a big deal commitment wise for me. We are both very close to our own families and to each other's families so for us, it's not just about marrying one person, but about becoming officially each other's family.

I don't want a big wedding. Neither of us do. We are planning it now for a tiny venue with probably less than 45 people - and we've large families so that's pretty impressive. We are having none of the usual stuff people think is needed for a wedding - bridesmaids, grooms men, flowers, favours, band, photography etc, so it will be very low key and hopefully very low cost. Some people do believe that in order to get married you need these things. I don't, but neither do I want to not make the day a special one for us within our budget.

I know I could spend €200 and go to the registry office on a Wednesday lunchtime in my jeans and become my OH's wife. But I don't want to do it that way. I want to be able to host our small pool of guests, feed them well and have good memories of the day we got married.

c6ysaphjvqw41k

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splinter65

Zachary Greasy Whale wrote: »

The only reason to get married is the legal aspects and becoming one legal entity under law. Sorry if that's not very romantic but being married to someone isn't about love, I can love someone without being married. I just found the person I loved so much that we were at the stage where everything was shared anyway so why not make it legal.

Also in our particular case the only way for him to move to Ireland and work was to get married so we probably got married sooner than I would have otherwise, I was only 25 at the time. It was the best thing I ever did though.

It’s about romance too for lots of couples but also religious reasons for huge swathe of humanity.
The 3 main religions forbid procreation before marriage and lots of people still take that stuff very seriously.

c6ysaphjvqw41k

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lazygal

We're not religious and didn't consider it religious. It was a legal agreement to provide ourselves with legal recognition as a couple by the state.

eviltwin

splinter65 wrote: »

It’s about romance too for lots of couples but also religious reasons for huge swathe of humanity.
The 3 main religions forbid procreation before marriage and lots of people still take that stuff very seriously.

Romance is the wrong reason to do it imo. Yes, love matters but it's a legal agreement at the end of the day that's still ridiculously difficult to get out of. You need to have a logical sound head on you when you decide to get married, thinking of romance and dresses etc can take over and blind people to the reality of marriage.

Sleeper12

Close to 30 years married now. Married for love but also for the protection of the law for myself and my wife.

I advised anyone to get married rather than living together. Skip the church if you aren't into that. Just over 250 euros gets you a marriage cert & it brings protection for your family. No inheritance tax for your spouse. Assessment jointly for tax purposes. I genuinely can't see a downside to marriage. Hell we even have devorce if it doesn't work out.

I can never understand couples not protecting themselves and their children with a legal marriage

lazygal

There's a difference between the wedding and getting married. I'd favour making the legal agreement part totally separate from the wedding part like in France.

splinter65

Zachary Greasy Whale wrote: »

People might be of the opinion that the religious aspect matters and they are entitled to their opinions. At the end of the day you cant get married without completing the legal documentation. You can get married without ever going near a church though. We did, because its purely a legal thing. So it only matters if it matters to that person.

I was responding to the poster who stated that the only reason to get married is legality. That’s not true. People get married for many reasons, including religious ones. I’m well aware that you can be married without going near a church.
But a lot of people consider the legal part to be unimportant in comparison to the blessing in the church temple synagogue or mosque.

Peregrinus

lazygal wrote: »

There's a difference between the wedding and getting married. I'd favour making the legal agreement part totally separate from the wedding part like in France.

It's only religious weddings which are totally separate from the legal status of marriage in France. You have to have a civil wedding ceremony at the marie, which - the French know how to do these things properly - can be quite a grand and formal affair. You're married by the maire and it's considered the done thing to invite the elected members of the council to your wedding reception (which is separate from your wedding dinner, held that evening).

If you're having a religious ceremony it usually follows immediately after the civil ceremony, so your guests attend both. Basically, the whole wedding proceeds in a group from the marie to the church.

lazygal

I know that. That's why I chose it as an example.

Peregrinus

lazygal wrote: »

I know that. That's why I chose it as an example.

But I don't think your example supports your point. In France, there isn't a difference between the wedding and getting married. The wedding is how you get married. It has to be a civil wedding, as opposed to Ireland where it can be civil, religious or humanist, but the relationship between wedding and marriage is the same as here.

lazygal

Peregrinus wrote: »

But I don't think your example supports your point. In France, there isn't a difference between the wedding and getting married. The wedding is how you get married. It has to be a civil wedding, as opposed to Ireland where it can be civil, religious or humanist, but the relationship between wedding and marriage is the same as here.

There is one way to get married in France. Any additional ceremony is optional. You're choosing to use wedding and marriage interchangeably.

Peregrinus

lazygal wrote: »

There is one way to get married in France. Any additional ceremony is optional. You're choosing to use wedding and marriage interchangeably.

No, I'm not. Wedding is the ceremony; it lasts anything from about 15 minutes to an hour. Marriage is the relationship or status that results; it lasts until death or divorce. To get the relationship or status, marriage, you have go through the ceremony, wedding. This is true for both Ireland and France. The difference is that Ireland allows for a wider range of ceremonies that are legally effective to secure the relationship/status than France does.

Moonbeam

Inheritance,tax and guardianship are the reasons we got married,it also makes travel easier.

SozBbz

For me it was important. The wedding itself not so much.

I wanted the security that marriage brings. I'm an only child it was important for me to feel like my relationship had pereminance as my parents won't be around forever. I know its no guarantee as marriages can fall apart but I feel it helps to know that we can't walk away from each other each other on a whim.

Also should anything happen to either one of us, I'd hate to think that our relationship wouldn't be recognized in the eyes of the law for decision making/inheritance etc.

miezekatze

We mainly got married because of the legal aspect. We love each other and have been together for ages, but we're not the type of people who want to tell the world about it and make a big deal of it. So we held off getting married for a long time. We finally had a simple reg office ceremony earlier this year because we want the legal status of a married couple, be each other's next of kin and all that. Probably should have done it a long time ago, but we were a bit worried about how our families would react to us only having a small wedding (and sure enough, a good few people are annoyed with us now over this).

splinter65

miezekatze wrote: »

We mainly got married because of the legal aspect. We love each other and have been together for ages, but we're not the type of people who want to tell the world about it and make a big deal of it. So we held off getting married for a long time. We finally had a simple reg office ceremony earlier this year because we want the legal status of a married couple, be each other's next of kin and all that. Probably should have done it a long time ago, but we were a bit worried about how our families would react to us only having a small wedding (and sure enough, a good few people are annoyed with us now over this).

Congrats. Please ignore the shows of annoyance and hurt. We had 17 (including ourselves) at our church wedding followed by a lunch. We left for our honeymoon at 3.30pm.
Lots of noses out of joint at the time. We returned and resumed our lives and never mentioned it again and they had to get over it.
Don’t be dragged into any discussions about what you “did”. Least said soonest mended.

Gatica

During wedding planning, the main focus was the romantic notion of a wedding, I'll have to admit. However, I do remember prior to it that I felt I wanted to be married before having kids because of the legal implications... I wanted my OH to be automatically my next of kin and the guardian of our kids should something happen to me. While nowadays it's probably common for couples not to be married and have kids, I suppose the legal system may make allowances for that, but I wanted to be fully covered, and there not be any ambiguity about his and my rights. Plus, now that we have bought a house together, I'd imagine inheritance is another thing which would be simpler with us being married.

we werent bothered about marriage but as time went on and careers progressed tax, pension and next-of-kin rights made it pretty impossible to ignore

romance doesnt come into it, thats how you treat each other the rest of the time.