My personality is holding me back in my career

LegacyUser

Hi,

As a child/teenager I was always extroverted and had lots of friends, acquaintances and a healthy social life.

Due to some personal issues and poor mental health, I have lost my confidence around people, particularly groups of people. I've become a lot more introverted in the last 10-15 years.

I've always had an issue with feeling left-out if I wasn't included in people's plans, or invited somewhere, etc.

In my current job, which I'm only in 3 months, they are very clique-y. They all go for their tea-break to a local cafe, and never once have they invited me.

I know I could just invite myself along, but I'd feel like I was 'pushing in' and that I wouldn't be wanted.

There are a couple of people in the staff who I find very difficult, and I would like an opportunity to develop some kind of camaraderie with them, to improve work relations, but I'm also intimidated by them. It'd kill me to not be accepted by them after making an effort to be included.

This problem/fear of not fitting in has followed me through my career, and I really don't want it to be like this anymore, but I literally don't know how to be extroverted anymore.

If I invite myself along with them, and then can't hold a conversation due to self-consciousness, they probably won't invite me again.....

I know this is a bit of a rambling post, but I feel so isolated and lonely at work, any help/suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks.

leelee77

I think definitely invite yourself along and think of topics beforehand that you can chat about. It's really mean that nobody has asked you in the first place.

LegacyUser

What age are you op? Whilst ideally it is better if employees can get along with the team, there comes a point where one has to realise that being introverted is your natural disposition. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I know of plenty of people who are quiet and don't have a 'winning' personality, they get on with their job quietly and steadily.

Perhaps the first step is accepting who you are and that there is nothing wrong with it.

In the past I have worked in a work environment with people similar to your colleagues, to be honest they can thrive on having someone to be the outsider, that's what makes their clique!!

I think be yourself, keep the head down and in time if people want to open up to you that will happen.

1122ww

Hi op,

There is nothing wrong with being quiet and introverted, plenty of people in the workplace are like this and seem to get on just fine.

Embrace who are you and don't feel pressurised to adapt this really outgoing persona when that is not you, it will come across as superficial.

I wouldn't bother pushing myself on these people, sometimes groups like to have someone on the 'outside' to keep their group exclusive.

In time people will come too appreciate your character traits and qualities, a lot of people can be quietly confident. Keep the head down and just focus on your job for the moment, the rest will follow.

TomOnBoard

The issue here is not that that youre introverted, but that you are a normal outgoing person who has gone through stuff that has left you with some issues around socialising and self-confidence. I'd suggest that you invest in some life-coaching / counselling and work through some of tbe barriers to your own progress. Its clear you're yearning for acceptance, and if thats not happening, on your terms and to your standards, its getting to you.

zoobizoo

There was an article in the IRish Times Health Section yesterday about Social Anxiety and shyness. It suggested a few books to read. I'd recommend The Feeling Good Handbook.

For me, I got over a lot of my Social Anxiety by putting myself in situations in which I was totally outside my comfort zone.

I went travelling on my own - by week three I was starting conversations with every one and anyone. Prior to that, even if I was out with work colleagues, I felt like a burden.... I felt I was too boring for them. I wasn't totally "cured" as it were, but I developed means and strategies to get on with people.

On returning to Ireland I took up a hobby that was very sociable and that really put me in large groups of people. HAving an interest, a hobby etc and having things to talk about are a great asset in getting on with people.


Back to your situation:

Are they really cliquey or is that your perception of a group of people who have worked together for a while socialising together and just going for lunch? Is it possible that they see you as keeping yourself to yourself and they don't want to bother you. (That's happened to me before).

If you're not great in groups then why not try to do more one on one interaction? Get to know the friendliest person in the group and work from there.

What way are you finding some staff member difficult?
One thing I learned through meeting so many people was that yes, there are some very difficult people out there and you know, they're not worth making the effort with. Forget about befriending them. I experienced two very difficult people in two workplaces. I felt like I was giving my power away trying to make them like me.

HandsomeBob

I get you OP. Just two questions I'd ask:

Are you unhappy with how you are right now and wish to go back to your pre life experiences self i.e. an extrovert? If so it's pretty clear what you need to do to build yourself back up again and that's counselling as others have pointed out.

Second question I'd ask is just how much this is hindering you with your colleagues? I prefer to take time to myself at lunch time for example because that's just me; I work hard and need that alone time away from my colleagues when I can take it. However, this doesn't effect me at all in how I get on with my colleagues. I get on well with them all.

If that's the same situation you find yourself in then it isn't a problem at all. I'm sure your colleagues are mature enough to get that not everyone is the same, and that all they will care about is that the working relationship with you is good.

Now that being said, it is true that being like that will create a glass ceiling. I get it all the time in my reviews; everything is great with you but you need to start "networking" to get to the next level. I simply say that's not me and that I'm happy with how things are, and if they're happy with that as well then we're all good.

Tldr you've nowt to worry about as long the working relationship is good. If you want more and ambitious however then do what's necessary to get you there.