How do you get over dates not replying to texts after a first date?

LegacyUser

I know it's not the end of the world and there's plenty more fish, but it's a pain in the arse when texts fizzle out, you begin to get cold boring replies and they eventually stop replying. Or you just see the signs and stop the texting dead in its tracks.

It takes me a few days to get over it. Yeah I'm making it sound like some sort of break up but whatever. After a week I've forgotten about it.

But do any of you lads (I'm a lad) or lasses have any techniques to just not give a flying f**k if they're not interested in you? It seems like I take it to heart a bit too much.

I'm all ears

vectorvictor

We are programmed to take rejection to heart. Your reaction sounds perfectly normal to me.

Get the commitment for the second date on the first one is the trick and make it soon. Keeps things alive. Texts after first dates are generally boring, stale and pointless as you still know shag all about each other so it's easy for either party to lose interest even if there was an initial spark.

Twenty Grand

Life's too short. Just keep on moving.

LegacyUser

vectorvictor wrote: »

Get the commitment for the second date on the first one is the trick and make it soon.

OP here.

That is a great tip. I've never done that before in my life. And I'm in my 30s.

zcorpian88

You're not the only one OP,

It's become way more of a problem with online dating, I don't think people are as committed to following up with another date when they have the "Catalogue" of potential dates at ease on their phone. I think on a ladies end, a date has lost all sentiment, where as a lot of guys they might not let it be known but we treat it with more sentiment since we don't have 50+ messages to get through in an evening.

Dated a girl last year that gave me the cold text treatment you've mentioned, got pretty frustrating and this followed making plans to meet up and she'd back out or make an excuse at the last minute, after I while I got f**ked up and said "Sure we'll forget about it so..." and she lures me back in with perky "being interested" texts....then I arrange to meet up again, and I got the same s**t. It really does mess with a guy's head this stuff. Then after a while the texts fizzled out, no replies whatsoever on whatsapp even if I can see she has seen the messages. Then I did quiz her about the lack of feedback from her, then she outright says "I'm dating someone else, f**k off"

Livid I was, complete and utter waste of time. Stay away from anyone that pulls that crap, if you see a red flag, forget about them.

TheBoyConor

^ wow! Jesus what a cow to just say it like that.
But to be fair if you got the feeling that she was lukewarm then you shouldn't have been at her trying to get her interested. If she was interested she'd be interested. If you're getting lukewarm or cool responses then you must read between the lines and take the hint.

Ghosting is the reality of dating today. You should not take it to heart. I've been ghosted a few times. But all that means is that it was not meant to be. And I have also ghosted people myself a few times. Some get the hint without having to spell it out to them but I have had two girls who couldn't read between the lines and it had to be spelled out that I wasn't interested. But I wasn't as crude as saying f off. That's very bad manners.

LolaJJ

The whole culture of dating is so far removed from where it was 20 years ago when I first started dating.

The best way to get your head around why you should never take a ghosting to heart is that these days it's basically NEVER about you.

Unless you were drooling or ran over her cat or something.

People are fickle, the options are endless, no one knows what they want anymore and no one needs to know what they want because if they change their mind they can start fresh with someone new the next day.

Basically; there are good people online dating, just like you and looking for the same things as you.

But they are in the minority and you have to meet the time wasters, flakes, and genuine nice but incompatible people for you before you get to your end goal.

The trick....just don't invest anything (hope, time, money, feelings) in anyone until the relationship has proven it has a potential to go somewhere.

XVII

LolaJJ wrote: »

and no one needs to know what they want because if they change their mind they can start fresh with someone new the next day.

that's so spot on.

zcorpian88

XVII wrote: »

that's so spot on.

LolaJJ: A very wise boardsie.

marielovesstea

in the wise words of Cher (of all people)... "if it doesn't matter in 5 years, it doesn't matter'

dudara

@zcorpian88 - you’ve been warned and actioned before about using Boards to share your personal stories. I’ve deleted your last reply, do not do so again or your privileges will be permanently removed.

dudara

power pants

I think people often spend to much texting before meeting up and get almost too invested in the other person

Once having met up, often one might feel no spark whatsoever and has zero interest in meeting again and the texts just fizzle out

Just have to accept this as part of online dating and get over it unfortunately

Arrival

TheBoyConor wrote: »

^ wow! Jesus what a cow to just say it like that.
But to be fair if you got the feeling that she was lukewarm then you shouldn't have been at her trying to get her interested. If she was interested she'd be interested. If you're getting lukewarm or cool responses then you must read between the lines and take the hint.

Ghosting is the reality of dating today. You should not take it to heart. I've been ghosted a few times. But all that means is that it was not meant to be. And I have also ghosted people myself a few times. Some get the hint without having to spell it out to them but I have had two girls who couldn't read between the lines and it had to be spelled out that I wasn't interested. But I wasn't as crude as saying f off. That's very bad manners.

Why would you ever ghost someone or try to subtly have them "get the hint" when you can simply communicate with another adult like an adult? Do you and people that ghost, as you've admitted, have any backbone and respect at all? Literally all you have to do is send a very simple, concise text along the lines of "I'm sorry but I don't feel interested in anything further between us, I don't feel like we clicked very well. You're a really nice girl/guy so I wish you all the best". It's genuinely as simple as that. Like, how can you consciously be hoping someone stops pursuing you when you could simply put a very simple end to it and both people can get on with their lives? You've been ghosted so you know how **** it feels so why would you consciously inflict that same **** feeling on another person?

Honestly, I think autism and Asperger's must be on the rise or something for so many people to have issues with such basic communication skills and etiquette. This is just hilarious.

leggo

On the flip side of that, I'm dating someone currently, but over the past year or so beforehand I made a conscious effort to be more direct with people based off the same frustrations being shared here. You don't get thanked for it. One of my housemates and good mates is a woman who's been through the dating ringer too and is great for advice and I'd run texts and so on calling it off with people by her to make sure they were sensitive, because I didn't want to hurt perfectly nice people either (one thing I started doing was assuming it was mutual, so like "Look I didn't feel the chemistry and that's a two-way thing so I'm sure you feel the same there", so they have an easy out and it's not like a straight rejection). What you get a lot of the time are pissed off people who then try reverse the rejection on you by blatantly insulting you, or on the flip side you'd get people begging and losing their dignity, which is really uncomfortable to experience. I'd have dated quite actively and I don't think I had one mature interaction like it perhaps 'should' be. And, god knows, I tried to!

So yeah, I agree ghosting is wrong and if I find myself single again I wouldn't do it, but in the real world I also understand why people do. The maturity has to work both ways and people often don't know how to handle rejection maturely either. I remember one single mother on a dating app started texting and chasing me, I was essentially just politely replying. Eventually it came up that she had kids and I've had a few bad experiences with single mothers and decided I'm just not one of those guys that can date in that situation. When it came up, I didn't want to lead her on any further, so sent a nice text explaining my situation that I put a bit of time into and must've re-read about 10 times to make sure it was sensitive. She absolutely LIFTED me out of it and began sending me horrible messages to the point of near-harassment until I blocked her. I'd never even met the person or officially declared any kind of interest in pursuing it!

Things aren't black and white. When it comes to dating and love, you can't logic it out and say "Well it should be this way" because that's not how it works when feelings, emotion, history, loneliness/desperation and baggage come into play. The only solution is to not get attached and place any hopes in people that you've either never met and are texting or just met once or twice for a few hours. That's the practical and logical way to handle it. Dating is this way now: you either accept it or you find yourself frustrated and giving out about it while powerless to change anything.

Red Lightning

Matched with a really hot girl on tinder and couldn't believe my luck cos that doesn't happen often. Got chatting to get and got her Snapchat name. Sent a few snaps that night and then one the next morning to say good morning etc. She opened it and didn't reply. No big deal. Sent her one the next day saying hello, she blocked me. I'm the past it would have affected me a little but now I don't get invested until I know it's mutual.
As mentioned already, women have such a pick that they can essentially do what they want with regards online dating. Of course a lot of women are very considerate of fellas feelings but ya get a lot that aren't as well.
*Can only speak from a guys perspective here of course.

Purple Mountain

Red Lightning wrote: »

Matched with a really hot girl on tinder and couldn't believe my luck cos that doesn't happen often. Got chatting to get and got her Snapchat name. Sent a few snaps that night and then one the next morning to say good morning etc. She opened it and didn't reply. No big deal. Sent her one the next day saying hello, she blocked me. I'm the past it would have affected me a little but now I don't get invested until I know it's mutual.
As mentioned already, women have such a pick that they can essentially do what they want with regards online dating. Of course a lot of women are very considerate of fellas feelings but ya get a lot that aren't as well.
*Can only speak from a guys perspective here of course.

I hear what you're saying but isn't being ghosted better than her sending you messages just to save face when she isn't really interested?
Some people are just not confident saying 'Sorry, you're not my type'.

Red Lightning

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I hear what you're saying but isn't being ghosted better than her sending you messages just to save face when she isn't really interested?
Some people are just not confident saying 'Sorry, you're not my type'.

I get your point but as someone mentioned it would be nice to be told adult to adult. Also, it's confusing what changed her mind. I look exactly the same as my photos and nothing changed since we messaged on tinder. As I said, it was no big deal as I didn't get too excited but in the past I may have.

Dial Hard

Red Lightning wrote:

I get your point but as someone mentioned it would be nice to be told adult to adult. Also, it's confusing what changed her mind. I look exactly the same as my photos and nothing changed since we messaged on tinder. As I said, it was no big deal as I didn't get too excited but in the past I may have.

Ghosting sucks, but by the same token, until you've met face to face, realistically people owe you very little.

Maybe you came on too strong, maybe she simply changed her mind, no-one here can tell you what happened. Chalk it up and move on. And personally, if someone genuinely wants to move things on with you, they'd give you their number instead of their Snapchat name, imo.

Red Lightning

Dial Hard wrote: »

Ghosting sucks, but by the same token, until you've met face to face, realistically people owe you very little.

Maybe you came on too strong, maybe she simply changed her mind, no-one here can tell you what happened. Chalk it up and move on. And personally, if someone genuinely wants to move things on with you, they'd give you their number instead of their Snapchat name, imo.

As I said, I wasn't bothered. I just gave my experience on it.
Also I asked for Snapchat.

Purple Mountain

It happened to me once that I can think of after a first date..it was donkeys years ago and I think it was mutual ghosting.
He asked me round his grotty rental to watch a dvd which of course was in his room and was trying to get me horizontal all the time which I refused.
He also stank of sweat.
So basically that was that until I ran into him in town very shortly afterwards and we just waved.
In fairness I haven't been on many dates. I was always a relationship girl that formed from friendships etc so I can't really comment bar that time but it was mutual and even if he had text I'd have ignored him.

Funny Feeling

OP, I would suggest that you take a break from dating. It is only normal to be bothered with the no response, but if you're honest with yourself you probably didn't really connection with them. You might be just focusing on finding someone too much or spending too much time chatting to people. Plenty of people meet their partners online also plenty of other's don't. Online dating can be hard on one's mental health.